Twenty-One
Ben just tried to kiss me.
I think.
And I can’t sleep, turning over the moment in my head, analyzing it from all angles. I toss and turn, hitting the pillows with my fist as if that’ll help knock out the stupid thought from my brain. He wouldn’t do that. Not when he’s with Alice. Besides, he’s the one who said we were better off as friends and has never once given any indication that he’s changed his mind. He wouldn’t try to kiss me.
But if he did…
If he really did try to kiss me, well, isn’t that what I’ve always wanted? For him to show some kind of interest? I thought I would’ve jumped at the chance if it ever arrived. Lord knows I’ve fantasized about it enough times to lose count.
Sometimes in my fantasies we kissed after he announced he was leaving Alice. Because he realized I was the only one for him. I’d admit that I never really got over him either, and he’d interrupt me midsentence to plant his mouth on mine. I’d kiss him back until desire pooled low in my belly and made me dizzy with want. Other times the moment would sneak up on us, like it did today. All it would take is one longing look before he crossed the room in quick strides and closed his mouth over mine.
But instead of reliving my fantasy, I jumped away. I stepped out of his range, stuttering like a tongue-tied fool and apologized over nothing. Absolutely nothing. He totally tried to kiss me, and I backed away from him. Because I didn’t want to kiss him.
I didn’t want to kiss him.
This is monumental progress, isn’t it? Even if that wasn’t what he was doing, it’s what I thought he was. And I did the right thing, not for any sort of moral reason but because he isn’t—
The new, sudden realization hits me with the force of a brick wall. Theo. I didn’t want to kiss him because he isn’t Theo, the only person I want to kiss. I blow out a breath between my teeth.
What have I done?
When Theo’s apartment is finally perfected to his standards, he texts asking if I want to come over on Saturday to see it.
I haven’t told him about the conversation I had with Ben, and I’m not sure if I should. There are so many things I want to ask him, like what Ben meant when he said Theo was only with me to get back at him. But I can’t think of a good way to broach the subject with Theo without revealing my feelings for his brother.
They’re not nearly as strong as they were before Theo and I became rebounds. Clearly, since I jumped away from Ben the first time he tried to kiss me since we broke up. But I’m not sure if it’s enough. I could still backslide, if I’m not careful.
It’s dishonest that I’ve kept this secret from him for so long, but I figure if none of this is real, then it doesn’t matter. Theo and I aren’t really dating, so he doesn’t need to know that Ben is the reason I need a rebound. But the longer we keep hooking up, the less convinced I am that that’s true.
Theo’s apartment building is tucked away beside a tall oak tree with changing-colored leaves. I’m wearing a thick black turtleneck and skinny jeans tucked into combat boots. The weather has finally cooled to a chilly forty degrees, and my severely underused winter wardrobe couldn’t be happier.
On my way over, I stopped by Target for an assortment of cookies as a housewarming present. I carry the bag with me as I walk up to his apartment, but before I have the chance to knock, I freeze at the sudden sound of raised voices.
“I don’t care!” I immediately recognize the deep baritone as Theo’s voice. “I don’t insert myself into whatever weird, codependent relationship you have with her. And I surely don’t try to convince Alice she’s making the biggest mistake of her life by marrying you, so you don’t have a right to—”
My lungs stop working. I don’t hear the rest of what Theo says, or Ben’s reply, because Theo’s words stick in my brain. Biggest mistake of her life. Does he really love her that much to believe that? I try to take in a shaky breath, but I don’t quite manage it. Not even when I try a second time.
He doesn’t owe you anything, I try to remind myself. But the words are a gut punch. A much-needed wake-up call to the reality of what it is we’re doing.
“… just doing this to get back at me!” I catch the tail end of Ben’s yelled reply. “She doesn’t deserve to get dragged into our mess! Whatever you have to say to me, just go ahead and say it.”
“Fine. You were wrong to go after Alice, and she was wrong to let you. You’re gonna tie her down to this town, and she’s going to resent you for it.”
If he says anything else, I don’t catch it. I’m so invested in eavesdropping that I flinch when the door flies open, a red-faced Ben emerging from the other side. The wind whips his hair back, a large vein bulging in the middle of his forehead visible from outer space.
“Ben, wait!”
I’m not sure why I bother calling out to him. It’s almost a reflex at this point to make sure he’s okay. When he turns around, he doesn’t even seem surprised at my presence.
“I’m done. You can do whatever you want, okay? You wanna let him destroy your life? Fine. Just don’t come crying to me in the fallout.” And with that, he escapes into his car and peels out of the parking lot. I watch as he leaves, hollow and useless.
Theo’s eyes are trained on my face when I turn around. His expression isn’t welcoming in the slightest, blue eyes narrowed and mouth open slightly. His eyes bore into me, analyzing in a way that makes me antsy. I try to blink away the tears filling my eyes. How could this day have gone so wrong already?
My arms cross over my chest, a guard against the wind and Theo’s penetrating gaze. He looks from me to Ben’s car pulling out of the lot.
As if he’s just realized something.
“It’s him, isn’t it?”
“Is what him?” I can’t look him in the eyes. I try to hand him the gift in my hands, but he doesn’t take it.
“The guy you’re using me to get over.” He lets out a scoff. “He told me you guys used to date in college. He’s the ex you’re trying to get over, right?”
I should be angry he’s putting it that way—the guy you’re using me to get over—like he’s not doing the exact same thing to me, but all I feel is shame. My face heats despite the cutting, cold air, my whole body growing warm under his stare.
I knew about Alice from the very beginning. He promised he’d always be honest with me, and I kept the biggest secret from him. And this whole rebound relationship was my idea in the first place. Alice and I haven’t been friends in years, but Ben is his brother. And they already have one girl between them.
His voice is as harsh as I’ve ever heard it as he continues. “I tried to ignore this feeling for weeks that there was something you weren’t telling me about him. Something that felt like an awful lot more than friendship. But I ignored it.” He makes a sound between a scoff and a humorless laugh. “I told myself it was nothing, and even if it wasn’t nothing, that it wasn’t any of my business. We all have our pasts.”
“I guess they’re not so past after all,” I mumble, half hoping he can’t hear me over the wind. I’m talking about myself as much as him, but I still can’t get past what he told his brother. Still can’t stop wondering if this arrangement of ours worked better on me than it did on him.
“Guess not,” he says dryly, pointedly. His eyes have gone black, piercing me in a way they never have before. I’m reminded of the knowing glint in Alice’s eye in our every encounter, only this is so much worse.
“I told you everything. I know it shouldn’t hurt that you chose not to, since we’re not…” He scrubs a hand down his face. “Look, I know what we are. But please, Marcela. Just tell me this much. Is he the guy?”
When I dare to face him again, I can’t tell if he’s more hurt or angry. Either way, I know one thing. There’s no coming back from this. Once I tell him the truth, it’s over. I wouldn’t want anything to do with me, either.
“You’re right,” I say. “Ben’s the guy, and I should have told you sooner.”
He’s the one who won’t look at me now. “We all make quite the love square, don’t we?”
I expect him to turn me away. Slam the door in my face and announce good riddance. Instead, he holds the door open and motions me inside. I don’t move an inch, brows furrowed as I look between him and the front door, confused.
“What kind of person do you think I am?” He shakes his head, rubbing a hand down his face. “I’m beyond pissed at you for lying to me, but I’m not a saint, either.” He takes in a giant breath, and when he speaks again, there’s a measure of calm in his tone. “Come in. Let’s talk about this.”
I still don’t move, eyes blurred again as I realize he’s offering me the same grace I gave him the night of the engagement party. A hand comes up to cover my mouth. I choke down an incoming sob. I’ve spent so much time hiding my true feelings, the awful person I really am, but he’s not turning me away. Is this how he felt when I discovered him about to confess everything to Alice? Like his whole life was unraveling at the seams?
He doesn’t move from the door to comfort me, and part of me is grateful. I don’t deserve his kindness. But another part of me desperately wants his arms wrapped around me like a cocoon of warmth I never have to leave.
“Marcela.”
I walk past him through the door before he can finish, dropping my bags as I rush to find his bathroom. The first door I walk through is a hall closet, but I don’t even care. I slide down the wall until my butt hits the floor and finally allow the sobs to rip through me.