Twenty-Nine
Do you want me to stay?” Angela whispers as I put the phone to my ear. I shake my head, resolute. This is something I need to do on my own.
Angela leaves my apartment wordlessly, mouthing Good luck before the front door shuts behind her. I sit down on the couch with a sigh, Ben’s voice on the other line hitting me like a ton of bricks.
“What the hell, Marcela?”
Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I’m glad I waited this long to confess—even if confessing to Ben wasn’t what I’d planned on doing at all in the first place. Thanks a lot, Drunk Marcela. But now that the truth is partially out there, I want to be more like Theo. I want to be honest with other people, but more importantly I want to be honest with myself. “Look, Ben, I’m sor—”
“Why now?”
I freeze, the explanation dying on my tongue. I’m sorry if I confused you. I was drunk, and that text wasn’t meant for you. He doesn’t sound surprised.
Why now?
His voice is lowered, a husky whisper as the creak of a door opening and closing sounds over the speaker. I don’t know where he is, but I immediately know he’s hiding from Alice. He wouldn’t ask that kind of question if she were in the room with him.
He knew. All along, he knew.
“I’m engaged,” he says, as if I could possibly forget. “Is that why you’ve been so weird, lately? Why you went after my brother of all people?”
“I—” I have no idea what to say to that. No idea what we’re even talking about anymore. Is he admitting he knew? I scoff over the line. “I didn’t go after Theo. It just sort of… happened,” I say, which is mostly true.
“Really?” he asks in a tone that’s clear he doesn’t believe me. “You hook up with my brother the night of my engagement party. And then turn around and text me what you did last night. Now I’m expected to believe your relationship with Theo had nothing to do with me?”
I’m stunned silent, chastened in a way I deserve to be. To him, I’m messing with his head, with whatever his mixed-up emotions are right now. It doesn’t matter that I never meant to, that I held my own emotions back and lied for so long that I no longer recognize the truth of them.
“I did have feelings for you,” I tell him, and though I cringe as soon as the words are out, I also feel immeasurably relieved. “Past tense. You probably won’t believe me, but that message wasn’t intended for you. I was never going to tell you how I felt. That was a secret I was content to keep buried for both our sakes. For Alice’s, too.”
This might be the most honest I’ve been with him in years. As hard as it is admitting all that to him, I’m glad I finally did.
“Last night was a mistake. You weren’t supposed to get that message, it was meant for someone else, and I’m sorry you did. I’m sorry if I hurt you or your relationship with Alice.”
His sigh is deep, edged with frustration. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to think at this point.”
“Just forget it ever happened,” I tell him, as if it’s that easy. But he has to. We both do. “Because it was never supposed to.”
“Marcela—”
I hang up before he can finish, because I am. Finished. Is this what closure feels like? My hands shake as I set my phone down, every nerve end jittery and wired. It’s not the feeling I expected, but it’s close. The last chapter before the epilogue. But before I get there, there’s a new page I’m ready to start fresh on.
Can we talk?
I hit send before I can overthink it. I want this. If he meant what he said and he’s still in this…
An hour later, there’s a knock at my door. I jump up immediately, imagining Theo behind the door as if summoned by the message I sent.
I take a quick glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes are dark and hollow-looking from lack of sleep, and my hair is a mess of tangled curls. I pull it back with a chongo, making a low bun that will have to do before going to answer the door.
But it’s not Theo on the other side of it.
It’s Alice.
Oh god. What the hell did I do?
Her usually pristine hair is flat and greasy, tied at the back of her head in a low ponytail. She’s wearing a puffy jacket over black leggings and a UTSA sweatshirt. The roadrunner logo makes me feel queasy (or maybe that’s the hangover), a callback to those college days of pining over Ben rushing to the forefront, more raw and visceral.
“Can we talk?”
“Y-yes,” I say, stepping away to let her inside.
Her left hand comes to rest on her forehead, like she’s staving off a headache. Aside from obvious exhaustion, there’s something different about her. I just can’t put my finger on it yet. She finally sighs as I take a seat beside her. “I saw the message you sent to Ben.”
My stomach drops to the floor, along with some other essential organs, I’m sure. My chest tightens, preventing air from reaching my lungs. All this time, I’ve been so afraid that she already knew. Or suspected, at least. Her keen eyes bore into me, but this time, it’s like she’s looking at a stranger.
“I always hated that I ruined our friendship,” she says suddenly.
“Alice, you didn’t—” I shake my head, but she holds up a hand. I’m the one who lied and said I was completely over him.
“I know you gave me the go-ahead, but it still wasn’t cool. It’s girl code, for god’s sake.” She throws out her arms. “It caused the rift between us. Maybe you pulled away because of residual feelings, but I pulled away because”—she takes a deep breath as if steeling herself—“because I was jealous.”
My brows furrow, not believing her for a second. Jealous? Of me?
“I hated how close you two were, knowing your history. It didn’t matter that you were never exclusive. As if that really matters.” She rolls her eyes. “But he insisted on keeping you in his life. He said you were a good person, his best friend. The way he talked about you was the way I wished he talked about me, back when we were first dating.”
“Alice, about the message—” I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.
“He reminded me of Theo a little, actually,” she says over me, and I wince. I can so easily imagine Theo talking about her with the utmost respect, even after all they’ve been through. His eyes shining from just thinking about her. “The way he used to be around me in high school. I’ve always admired how unafraid he is to wear his heart on his sleeve, even when it’s broken. Ben has never been that way.”
“Yeah,” I say, because I don’t know what else to do.
“You look good together,” she says abruptly, her eyes turning to me. “You and Theo. Whatever their differences, these Young men have eerily similar taste in women.”
I nearly choke on my own saliva. Alice’s eyes light up with humor at whatever expression must be on my face.
“Alice, you have to know that Ben has never felt the same way I did. I never meant to send that message to him, and I can’t apologize enough for whatever trouble I caused you guys. I’m the one who’s to blame—”
“Stop.” She motions with a tired hand. “Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re entirely to blame for what happened with Ben. I’ve always had good instincts, but my mistake was never listening to them. I tried to tell myself for years that what you two had together was purely friendship.”
My eyes catch on her hand, and suddenly, I know what’s different about her. I let out a gasp.
No ring.
She catches my line of sight and glances down at her bare hand. “Oh, yeah. We’re over. Please don’t feel guilty. I don’t blame you for it. At least, not entirely.”
I gulp, feeling immensely and painfully guilty anyway. “Why not?” I ask. I’d certainly blame me if I were her.
“He shouldn’t have kept coming to you for emotional support. Not the way he was, and definitely not when he was with me,” she tells me. “Even if physical lines weren’t crossed.”
She shakes her head, and when she opens her eyes again they’re shining with empathy. “But if it’s any consolation, Theo is nothing like his brother. He’s never hidden a single part of himself from anyone. What you see is exactly what you get.”
“Yeah,” I agree, eyes filling. “Yeah, he deserves someone great.”
Alice’s brows furrow. “I thought you two were…” She trails off when I shake my head, understanding dawning in her eyes. “Well, that’s a shame. I could tell he cared about you.”
“He does,” I say. Then, as much as I know I’ll probably regret asking, I say, “How come you never returned his feelings? Or did you, at one point?”
She lets out a sigh, looking away from me. “There was a moment, my junior year of high school. He’d just finished a football game, and I stayed after to congratulate him on the win. His eyes seemed to pierce through me, and for a moment… I don’t know. My heart jumped, and it was like I was seeing him for the first time.”
My own wrenches at her admission. If Theo knew, it would change everything for him, wouldn’t it? She shakes her head suddenly. “But then he started talking about the NFL, and how I was gonna be a big-time journalist. We’d Skype every weekend and visit each other every other month. All these plans of staying in touch that fell through the second high school was over.
“This feud with Ben felt like my fault, so I thought I should be the one to fix it. I wanted them to resolve their issues before the wedding. Be real brothers to each other again. But the more and more I reached out, something funny happened.” Her lips curl in a smile. “Theo reminded me of all the dreams I’d forgotten about. Leaving Texas behind for some big city. New York. Chicago. DC. It reminded me that somewhere along the way, with Ben, I had settled before my life could really begin.”
I look over at her, not entirely comprehending what she’s saying.
“We didn’t break up because of you,” she says, holding up her ringless hand. “It was because of me. I’ve secretly been applying to jobs out of state for months. Not because I really intended on leaving. I wouldn’t have said yes to Ben if I was,” she explains quickly. “But last week, I got offered a position at the Washington Post. I was all set to turn them down, until I saw your text on Ben’s phone this morning.”
My eyes widen, emotions spinning in different directions. I give a surprised laugh. “Should I be congratulating you, or…?”
She nods, mouth breaking out into a wide grin. “Yeah, that’d be a start.” She laughs. I pull her into a hug, half surprised when she accepts and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I have no idea how I’ll afford rent since it’s only an intern position, but it’s a starting point.”
“That’s incredible,” I tell her. “Really. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks,” she says, pushing her hair back behind her ear. “And you won’t have to worry about me anymore, if I’m part of the reason you and Theo aren’t together anymore.”
“I…” I start, not sure what to say. Does Alice and Ben’s breakup change anything? On my side, I don’t think it does. But for Theo? If any part of him still cares about her in a romantic way, there’s no way I can see past that.
Finally, I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I hope you get some clarity soon,” she tells me, getting up from the couch. “Thank you for talking with me. And don’t beat yourself up too much.”
When she smiles, I can see what Theo saw in her. Her warmth comes through, eyes sparkling like we’re in on a secret from the rest of the world. I see her to the door, and she stands tall as she walks away. She doesn’t look back, but I don’t expect her to. That bubble of jealousy I’m used to doesn’t fill me. I have nothing but respect for her.
I close the door, leaning back on it with a sigh. They’re really over. How many times in almost a decade have I waited for this exact moment to transpire? I imagined I’d be thrilled. That I’d run to my car and speed down the highway to where he lives, hesitate before knocking on his door, and then… the fantasy always ended there. I never once imagined that the outcome would fall in my favor.
Only now, I can’t imagine wanting anything less.