Thirty-One
We go back to his place.
We waste no time stripping each other of winter layers. First our coats, then the second layer of outerwear, until finally, the last layers come off and we’re skin to skin. A ridiculous amount of clothing litters the living room floor as Theo walks me backward through the living room, kissing down my neck as his fingers find the top button of my jeans. He pushes me against the door, hands moving up my back as I step out of my pants and kick them to the side. My bra is the next article of clothing to go, and then he twists open the doorknob to his bedroom and leads me inside.
The back of my knees hit the edge of the mattress, and everything becomes real. We should talk first, maybe, before we do this. He has no idea I’m reconsidering everything, that I’ve fallen in love with him despite the odds, that even though I’m still not sure if we can make a real relationship work, I’m not ready to lose him for good, either. But where does that leave us, if not the limbo my fear has created for us?
“Wait.” He pauses from rifling through the top drawer of his nightstand. I reach for his shoulders, hands curling in his hair as my arms wrap around his head. “Come here.”
I kiss him slowly, using my body to convey what my words can’t. My fingers hook in the belt loops of his jeans, pulling him into me. I find the button and zipper of his jeans, then push them off him. My hands skirt the top of his boxers, and his body shivers in response. But when I touch him through the thin material…
“Fuck.” He buries his head in the crook of my neck. When I inch my hand inside his boxers, he lets out a guttural groan in the form of my name. He bites down on my shoulder, light enough not to break skin, but hard enough for me to let out a hiss. He replaces his teeth with his lips, kissing the spot to ease the slight sting.
His hand closes over mine, easing it away from his cock. When I look up at him, his eyes are hazy. His other hand settles on my lower back as he eases me backward onto the mattress. His knees settle on either side of me on the bed. We never got to christen this bed before I blew up our first date. This is my first time inside his bedroom. Maybe my last.
I shut my eyes, as if that’ll help shut off my thoughts.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t answer his question. Instead, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down. I close my mouth over his, kissing him hard and fast, until all thoughts outside this moment dissipate. His hands travel down my hair, down my back, and then come up around to my chest. My breasts fill his hands, and I let out a groan into his mouth. Yes.
His fingers circle my peaked nipples. When his mouth closes over the right one, my nails dig into the skin of his nape. He sucks in a breath, but I’m barely breathing. Not when his other hand keeps circling, or when it dips down inside my panties.
“Marcela.” His voice is breathless when he feels how wet I am, two fingers gently moving up to reach my clit. He rests his forehead against mine. Through the dim glow of his window, his face twists into a pained expression. “Don’t tell me this is the last time.”
He kisses me before I can respond, before I can even think of a proper response. A kiss that slices a gaping hole inside my chest, even as a shot of pleasure surges through my veins. His hand works fast, but his mouth moves faster. So fast I can barely keep up with him, so I let him lead the pace. I nearly whimper when he pulls away, until I realize it’s to search through his nightstand for a condom.
Before I can process what’s happening, he flips us over until I’m on top of him. He lifts us up until he’s pulled himself into a seated position with me in his lap, his head leaning back against the headboard. Our eyes meet and lock for the first time tonight. They’re obsidian under the pale moonlight, glittering black rocks cast in a neutral expression. There’s no smug smile tugging his lips, no hint of the devious smirks I’m used to. It’s disorienting.
He tears through the packaging and sheathes himself in one swift motion. This time, I don’t need help guiding myself on top of him. I almost reach for his shoulder, but steady myself with a hand on the headboard instead. Our faces are so close this way, chest to chest. Too close for comfort, when he wears that guarded expression I’ve never seen on him. When I know it’s because of me that he has to protect himself in the first place.
Slowly, I move my hips up and down. I grip the headboard tighter to hold myself up, and I shut my eyes to avoid looking into Theo’s face. His hands close over my hips and squeeze, helping to quicken my movements. I think I hear him say my name, but I’m too stuck inside my own head to be sure. His lips graze my shoulders, kissing up my neck, my jaw, until finally his mouth closes over mine.
“Theo,” I moan his name into his mouth. I let go of the headboard, reaching for him instead. My arms wrap around his body, hands curling inside his hair. I melt into him, until I can almost pretend nothing’s changed between us. That this isn’t our last night. What an absurd thought. Why would either one of us give this up when it feels this good?
He finishes soon before I do, his hand replacing his cock until a wave of pleasure washes over me. We collapse onto each other, breathing fast and shallow.
“Stay.” Is that a note of pleading in his voice, or is that my own twisted, wishful thinking? “It’s too late for either one of us to be on the road. Please.”
“Okay.” I can’t make out his features anymore. Total darkness swamps his bedroom now. Maybe that’s better. “I’ll stay.”
He pulls me into his body until I’m crushed to his hard chest, burying his head in the crook of my shoulder, one hand settled beneath my hair at the nape of my neck. My heart slams in my chest, emotion choking the back of my throat. There’s no way he can’t feel my heartbeat through my skin.
I don’t know what this was, but I don’t want it to be goodbye. The thought of losing him only makes me want all our nights to be like this, curled in his arms, listening to his breath even out as he falls asleep. Maybe that’s what finally gives me the courage to take the leap.
“I want to try.” I can hardly hear myself speak, my heart is beating so hard. His body stills beside me, waiting. “But this is hard for me. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, and I don’t want to fuck this up.”
“You won’t.” Those two little words hold more conviction than I have in my whole body. “I won’t, either.”
“That’s not something you can promise,” I say. “I already fucked up. I’m part of the reason they broke up. I sent Ben a text meant for you, and it blew up their relationship.”
His body rolls away from mine, and for a moment I think he’s changed his mind again. I should’ve told him the truth sooner, before we slept together. Maybe he’s realizing a real relationship together is all too much to deal with, and we were foolish to try. I squint my eyes against the light as he flicks on a lamp. Theo sits up, back against the headboard.
“Explain.” His face is carefully controlled neutrality.
I explain the situation as best I can, talking through my feelings with Angela and the drinks that followed, and how that plus sleep deprivation may have contributed to sending that text to the wrong brother.
“Alice saw the message before he did, and then, well. You know the rest.”
He’s quiet for a beat, contemplative. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“That text is the reason they’re not together anymore.” I shake my head. “Of course it’s my fault.”
“No.” There’s that conviction again. I only wish he could share some of it with me. “It’s not. If their relationship were stronger, they would’ve been able to handle it. They had deeper issues they needed to work through, but they couldn’t do it.”
He’s right, I suppose. Alice wouldn’t have applied to jobs out of the state and kept it from Ben otherwise. She looked happier telling me about her internship than she did telling me about her engagement. Maybe she was looking for a reason to leave. Maybe I gave her one.
“Are you sad that she’s leaving?”
“No.” He turns off the lamp and returns to his place in bed, arms around my body. His hand moves up my back in gentle strokes. “No, I’m not sad. We talked about this for years when we were in high school. The reason I said their engagement was a mistake is because she boxed away her dreams without even trying. Ben—” He blows out a breath. “I know how he is. Before we stopped talking, he didn’t want me to leave after high school.”
“What?” I ask. “Really?”
“Yeah, he thought I’d abandon him if I made it into the NFL. Our family was already falling apart. He didn’t want to lose me, too. And in a way, I guess he was right.” He shakes his head. “I know my brother. He holds on to the people he loves impossibly tight. He knows how to twist your words into something you feel guilty over for years. He turns your ambition into selfishness if it doesn’t include him somehow, but especially if it means leaving him behind.”
I can’t lose you. Yes, I know exactly what Theo means.
“It was exhausting. He was my brother and I loved him. I still do,” he explains. “But sometimes, I think I hated him more when we were close.”
The realization hits me then. If what he’s saying is true, and there’s not a doubt in my mind it is, then Ben would’ve done anything to make sure Theo couldn’t leave, that he’d never be able to achieve his dreams and leave Ben.
“Do you think that’s why he hurt you?” My heart thumps wildly in my chest. This is none of my business. Theo’s shoulders tense up under my touch. “I’m sorry. It’s just—I saw him a few days ago and he let it slip that he was the reason for your injury in the first place. If it wasn’t for him—”
“God, how do you do that?” He sounds like the wind’s been kicked out of him.
“Do what?” I shrink, even though he can’t see me.
“Find all the worst parts of me.” He rolls away from me. “I’ve never even let myself say it out loud, but it’s like you’ve infiltrated my most selfish thoughts. The injury was an accident. I’ve come to terms with that over the years, because the alternative…” He trails off, as if afraid to voice it. “The alternative has almost broken me too many times. I’ve entertained the idea too many times, but it never made me feel any better. I’m through wondering if my own brother would do that to me on purpose. The truth can’t do me any good now. It’s over.”
I nod to myself. Better to drop the subject now, and let bygones be bygones. If that’s what will help him heal.
“It doesn’t matter. Not if I left anyway and shut him out when I did,” Theo says. “I knew it would hurt him, but I still did it. Maybe I am selfish, but I never thought that was the right way to love someone. To hold on to them so tightly, you never gave them room to breathe. It’s the same way he loves Alice. And you.”
I vaguely remember Alice majoring in journalism, but not any of those dreams Theo’s talking about. In fact, when she talked about her future back then, it mostly revolved around Ben.
“I never thought of it that way,” I say. “I was probably conditioned not to because of my dad.”
He doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. I don’t plan on saying anything more, but something about his comforting silence, the darkness engulfing us, and my promise to try makes me continue.
“I hated him for leaving us. I’ve never hated anyone like I hate him. My whole body burns with it when I think about it for too long, even now. For years, I thought the worst thing you could do to someone you love was leave without a trace.” I take in a steadying breath, steeling myself to be as honest with Theo as he’s been with me. “That’s why I kept hanging on to Ben the way he hung on to me. Because even if I could never have him the way I wanted, I knew he’d never leave me. That’s what I thought love was. Never leaving.”
A beat of silence. “Do you still think that?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He wouldn’t have held on to me the way he did if he really loved me. He wouldn’t have cast me aside so easily. It wasn’t good for us, staying in each other’s lives the way we did. It just took me way too long to realize that.”
“Okay,” he says, my head tucked beneath his chin. “Are you sure you want to do this? Try?”
“Mm-hm.” I cover a yawn with my hand. It crosses my mind that we should probably talk about what that means, but I’m too exhausted and the warmth of his body is too comfortable. I sink into him, into the best sleep I’ve had in weeks.
It’s early when his alarm goes off. The curtains are still dark, which is how I know it’s way earlier than I need to be up for work. He turns his back as he gets dressed, careful not to make another sound to wake me, even when his lips touch my forehead. I’m still in shock over what I agreed to last night.
I want to try.
Try what, exactly? A relationship? Trusting us?
I turn these thoughts over in my head in the adjoining bathroom. I hop into the shower for a quick rinse, where I revel in the ocean scent of his body wash. I’ll smell like him all day. Every time I catch the scent, I’ll wonder if I’m making a massive mistake. Maybe I’ll have a different answer each time. For now, I choose to move past my reservations and do exactly what I told him I’d do. Try.
The smell of coffee and bacon wafts through the hall as I make my way into the kitchen. His back is to me as he fixes two plates with scrambled eggs. When I clear my throat, he turns around. The smile he sends me is tentative, half guarded and half hopeful.
“Morning.” He pushes a plate across the counter. His eyes crinkle at the corners when I don’t move. “Why are you so far away?”
I push myself off the wall I’m leaning against, barely registering that I seem to have forgotten how to walk. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” He places a fork on my plate. “Eat.”
“Okay.” I cross the space and plop myself on a barstool. “Can you—”
He’s already pouring me a mug of coffee, with cream and sugar just how I like it. I take a bite of bacon, smiling up at him when he places the mug beside my arm.
“So,” I start. He glances at me, eyes startlingly blue, and I lose all my nerve. “I didn’t know you could cook.”
“I know the basics. I don’t normally cook this much before work, but I have some extra time before I have to go in today.” He’s already scarfed down half his plate. “We should talk.”
My stomach flips, but I manage a small nod. “We should.”
“That wasn’t just the heat of the moment talking, was it?” he asks, and part of me is grateful he’s making sure this is what I really want. “I don’t want to hold you to something you’re not ready for.”
“I meant what I said,” I assure him. “I…” I love you. I’m nowhere near ready to tell him that yet, so I change tact. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re important to me, Theo. If you think this can work—”
“It can.” A determined glean enters his eyes. “I know it can.”
He’s so sure of himself. So sure of us, despite knowing how we started. Even without all the baggage we’re bringing to the table, relationships are always a gamble. If we do this, we could end up losing each other. It’s all or nothing with Theo. And that terrifies me.
“I’m willing to try.” I wish I could give him more than that, more than my cautious hope. He deserves someone as all in as he is. But maybe I’ll get there if I try hard enough.
“Are you still scared we won’t make it?” he asks, his voice quiet.
“Oh yeah.” I try to laugh, but it comes out breathless. “That’s a given. I don’t know how not to be. I’ve never done this before, Theo. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Neither do I,” he says, reaching for my hands. “This is all new to me, too. We’re navigating this together.”
I like the sound of that. Together.
“That being said”—he takes in a deep breath, and every nerve ending in my body stands on alert—“I don’t mean to test your newfound trust so soon, but I agreed to help Alice move out of her apartment tomorrow night.”
“Oh.”
“I can cancel if you want me to,” he says quickly. “If you’re not comfortable with that.”
The thought of them alone together doesn’t make me feel good, even though I trust Theo enough not to do something stupid. He’s not the same man who almost ruined her engagement party all those months ago. We’ve both come a long way since then, but I’m not ready to put our relationship to the test so soon, either.
I open my mouth to ask him to cancel, but what comes out instead is “Can I come with you?”
He seems surprised at my request, but he nods and says, “Sure. She’ll probably appreciate the extra help.”
“Cool.” I nod, feeling anything but. “We’re really doing this, huh?”
“We really are.” He walks around the counter and takes the stool beside me, turning me until we’re facing each other. He breaks out in a smile that rivals the sun. “Does this mean I get to call you my girlfriend?”
“I don’t know.” I melt into him when his hand lifts to cup my cheek. “Does this mean I get to call you my boyfriend?”
“Call me whatever you want,” he says against my lips. “As long as I get to call you mine.”