Chapter 15
By the time I reached my hotel room and felt the cool breeze from the A/C across my skin, Kennedy had called four times.
My head thudded. Between my stepdad’s voice, Kennedy’s hands on my chest as she pushed me into the lobby, and the way that people stared, I wasn’t sure which event caused me to feel dizzy.
The screen on my phone kept flashing her name and photo as if she were trying to pull me back to reality, but I couldn’t answer.
I just needed some time to think and be alone.
I walked into the living space in the two-bedroom suite and stood there with my hands across my face.
It had that “hotel” smell to it, such as clean sheets, carpets, and somebody else’s cologne from down the hallway.
The city lights outside the window shone through the blinds as if the world didn’t care that I’d just gone to war in a church during a wedding rehearsal.
I dragged my hand down my face and looked at my phone again. I tapped the screen and hovered my thumb over Kennedy’s text messages.
Kennedy: Zay please answer the phone.
Kennedy: Are you okay??
Kennedy: I’m sorry. I didn’t know he would come at all.
Kennedy: I’m not mad, but I’m worried. Please just text me something so I know you’re okay.
I stared at the screen and exhaled deeply and slowly. She didn’t deserve to carry my emotions during her time. That was her wedding. It should’ve felt special. I was ashamed I reacted in that way.
I typed back slowly.
Me: Sorry sis. I didn’t mean to start no drama at your wedding. I just don’t feel like talking. I’m back at the room. I’m good.
I watched as the message notification at the bottom read ‘delivered’ and swallowed a lump in my throat. Almost immediately, she responded.
Kennedy: I love you.
Kennedy: Its ok.
Kennedy: I’ll see you tomorrow.
I locked the phone and tossed it on the couch.
It buzzed again as soon as it landed. I read Kam’s name across the screen. I shook my head and picked the phone up to shut it completely off when I read his words from the display.
Kam: Hey, stopped by your room earlier. I made it to the D! I’m down on the 8th floor, but I’ll be in meetings all day so I’ll just see you at the wedding tomorrow. But I wanted to let you know I left the kit for the DNA test. I put it on the table.
My stomach dropped. It seemed like life insisted on reminding me that I didn’t get to deal with one thing at a time.
I looked around the suite and spotted the white box that stuck out like a sore thumb, on the table near the lamp. I walked over slowly, as if it might bite.
I stood there, staring at it, and thought about the baby’s face on Instagram again. I remembered Princess’s silence. I thought about how Yana texted me, not knowing exactly what happened, but she could feel something wasn’t right.
The kit looked too bare for how much chaos it held.
I picked up the box and opened it. Inside were instructions, a long cotton swab, and a tube halfway full of some substance that I didn’t recognize.
After reading the instructions, I peeled the cotton swab out of its wrapper and unscrewed the top of the tube.
For a moment, I just held it in my hand and stared at the cotton tip.
“Just do it,” I muttered.
Following the instructions, I swabbed the inside of my mouth. It seemed to be the easiest task for such a big outcome. It was more of a regular errand, like mailing off a package at the post office, yet my hands shook as I screwed the top on the tube.
I packaged and sealed everything up carefully, pressed the tape down, and set the kit back on the table. Then I stood there, rested my palms on the back of the chair, and lowered my head.
The room was quiet, and for the first time in a while, I felt it.
I pulled my arms up from the chair and stretched them high. My neck felt stiff.
“I’m tired.”
I walked into the main bedroom, sat on the bed, and looked around.
The king-size bed with crisp, white sheets was centered against a padded, charcoal headboard.
There were two nightstands with a lamp on each.
I looked in front of me and noticed there were two bottles of complimentary waters placed evenly.
Everything in the room seemed balanced, as if it was meant for more than just me, just as we intended.
Princess and I previously decided to get this suite and stay together in Detroit for the wedding.
Yana had her own space, down the hall, in a room that sat on the opposite end of the hallway.
I imagined Princess on one side of the bed, scrolling through her phone, and Yana running in and out of the room, asking about room service.
I would be complaining about the wedding itinerary while Princess told me to relax. That had been the plan.
Instead, I let my bullshit ruin it. She and Yana had gotten their own room downstairs. She told me she needed space, yet I was the one who sat in the biggest one, alone.
I sighed again, long and heavy, as I reached over and unzipped my duffel bag. I pulled out my deodorant, soap, and toothbrush and stood. As I walked to the bathroom, I said a prayer in my head that God would let the water wash over me and take away the pain I felt throughout my body.
I was lying on the bed in the hotel robe when I thought I heard a faint knock on the door. With my face twisted in confusion, I grabbed the remote off the nightstand and pressed mute.
The knock came again, this time louder. I grunted, stood from the bed, and walked over. When I looked out the peephole, my whole expression shifted.
Yana stood on the other side of the door with a cheetah-print headband with a big bow and a silly smile that caused me to laugh out loud.
I opened the door immediately. “Hey, baby girl.” I opened my arms, and she fell into them. “What’s up?”
She pulled back, and I saw she had worn pajama pants and a hoodie. She had a small bag over her shoulder, and her eyes flicked past me and into the suite.
“Um, . . . I kind of wanted to spend the night with you, if that’s okay.”
I blinked. “Spend the night with me? Where your mom at?”
“She downstairs,” she said. “In the room.” I nodded slowly when I remembered. Yana stepped past me and walked inside as she continued. “She just got a regular double bed, and I know you got like . . . a whole extra bedroom in here, so I figured . . . why not?”
I shut the door behind us and smiled. “Yeah, come on.”
“Thank you,” she said as she threw her bag on the couch.
I walked behind her and saw her glance around the room.
“Yeah, this real nice. Where my room at?”
I pointed to the door on the opposite side of the hallway. “Right there. I haven’t been in there. Can’t tell you what it look like.”
She continued to look around, and I saw the moment her eyes moved to the cotton swab that sat on the table. They landed on the white box that loudly displayed “DNA Testing Kit” in bold letters.
Her expression shifted. She didn’t seem shocked. It was as if an answer to her question was confirmed. I dropped my head but quickly picked it up. I felt terrible, but I braced myself for a conversation that needed to happen. Yana deserved that much.
“So,” she said softly, “I guess this really is happening.”
I didn’t answer right away. To hear it out loud from my daughter made it feel heavier than any headline from a blog ever could. I walked over and sat on the couch.
With a calm tone, I said, “Yeah. It’s happening.”
Yana plopped down next to me. “Is it yours?” she asked, voice even.
“I don’t know yet,” I admitted. “That’s why the test.”
She nodded, then looked at me. “Mom was trying not to say too much, but . . . I could tell she was upset.”
My chest tightened. “I shouldn’t have kept it from her,” I said quietly. “That part, . . . I messed up. That’s on me.”
Yana tilted her head. “Why didn’t you tell her?”
I swallowed. How could I explain fear to a kid who was supposed to believe I was Superman?
“I thought I was protecting peace,” I said. “But sometimes, . . . you think you protecting people, and really you just choosing what you think is best for them. I didn’t want your mom to hear ‘maybe baby’ and feel embarrassed or hurt before I knew anything for sure.”
Yana’s eyes softened a little.
“So you tried to wait it out,” she finished.
“Yeah,” I admitted. “And I shouldn’t have.”
She nodded again, then shrugged. “It hurt my feelings too. Not because of the baby rumor exactly, but because it felt like y’all was doing that thing again.”
“What thing?” I asked, even though I already felt like I understood.
She sighed. “Like acting normal but not acting normal.”
I tried to keep my face straight, but my throat tightened. “I’m sorry, baby.”
“I know you trying. I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want y’all to stop talking too.
It was weird when her and my dad . . .” She paused at the word and corrected herself.
“I mean, uh, . . . when her and Juwon stopped talking. It just felt different. I just don’t want to feel like that again.
Not with y’all. She seems happier when y’all are talking.
Like, I haven’t seen her this happy in a while if I think about it.
” Her brows turned down like she had to think about it.
I exhaled slowly. “It’s okay. I’m not offended that you still call him Dad. Why would I be? He was . . .” I paused to correct myself. “Is . . . your dad. He was there before I knew about you and still loves you today. He’s at all your events; he still calls to check on you. He’s a stand-up guy.”
She smiled and gave a small chuckle.
“As far as your mom being happy, I’m happy to hear that. I like when your mom is happy too.”
We stayed there and let the moment settle in before we spoke again. Then, her eyes narrowed.
“Are you okay though? Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.”
I laughed. “I’m straight. Why you say that?”