42. Astraea
42
A straea
I passed through the celestial veil alone. Well, as I’m sure Eltanin in my hood didn’t classify as what the celestials would consider to be company. I traveled on foot this time as I couldn’t help my desire to explore the feeling it gave me for a while longer. Surrounded by a storm of darkness and shimmering starlight, I couldn’t place why it was so welcoming, familiar. It awakened my magick and embraced the call. The key staff in my hand glowed with my silver tattoos and I felt so light and powerful. Even Eltanin purred like this force soothed him.
Emerging on the other side, I was immediately met with the sight of the four High Celestials, flanked by a number of guards that seemed excessive.
Did they not trust me not to bring Nyte here?
It had been two days since the temple. I hadn’t told Auster I was coming, and the fact they were waiting for me regardless crawled my skin. Had they sent spies to watch me?
“We weren’t sure when you would come back,” Auster said, breaking the tense silence we stood off in.
“Seems like you did,” I countered.
“I can feel when you’re near.”
I recoiled internally at that, often forgetting that even though our Bond wasn’t claimed, it was a lingering connection between us. That enlightenment pressed on a sore spot for both of us.
Admittedly I came here built up on annoyance and anger for the attack on Nyte and my friends, but now, faced with the sadness Auster tried to hide under a steel mask, my guilt was breaking down that wall.
“I’m not your enemy, but I’m not his either,” I said.
“I know.”
Notus and Aquilo could hardly hide their distaste toward me but I didn’t care for their approval anyway. I’d learned that the High Celestial with long red hair, a few strands loose from a half tie highlighting green eyes, was Notus. Aquilo had cropped black hair with dark eyes nearly as depthless. Whatever their reasons for disliking me in the past, it didn’t seem like they were likely to set aside their indifference. Zephyr was the only one to offer kind eyes and a partial smile.
“What is that?” Notus demanded.
He must have caught a glimpse of Eltanin, who tickled my neck to crawl onto my shoulder with the new commotion.
“His name is Eltanin. He’s a celestial dragon.” Dipping into my pocket, I lifted a piece of dried rabbit to him.
He was surprisingly gentle at taking food now and I wondered if it was because of the training of Nadia, who I’d seen with him often. Despite her initial refusal, and though she still denied it, she had quickly become engrossed with him.
“Impossible,” Aquilo accused.
“Do your eyes deceive you?” I said flatly.
I decided I liked him least of all. He presented himself as so bitter and challenging and I was going to give it right back if he kept testing me.
“It’s remarkable,” Zephyr said, taking a step forward.
“Where did you find such a creature? No one has seen them in over a thousand years,” Auster said.
“It’s a long story,” I said. Literally, it was. I’d held him in his egg for the first time centuries ago and it was bittersweet to think we’d waited for each other all this time. That right now was when we were truly supposed to meet.
“If you’d stay a while, we’d love to hear,” Auster said, the first time his tone started to warm to me.
I smiled with a nod. I didn’t want there to be a rift between us. Despite my heart being Nyte’s, I still cared for Auster and wanted to help him find the happiness he deserved too.
The guard retreated and I wished his brothers would too but they trailed a few paces behind us as we headed toward the bridge that would take us onto the Nova province. My sight cast past it, however.
“Can we visit the Luna province?” I asked.
Zephyr’s brow lifted in surprise; he looked to Auster for an answer, which I didn’t like.
“If you wish,” Auster agreed, but I got the impression he would rather I decided to go back to his land.
I didn’t know what it was about the snowcapped mountains of Zephyr’s lands that felt compelling.
Taking Auster’s hand, we stepped through the void to get there fastest. Luckily I was already dressed for the colder temperature with winter thick on the other side of the veil.
The castle here was high between mountains, made of beige stone but glittering spectacularly with the ice and snow. A wide waterfall fell from the height with a river running through the fortification. It almost looked like an island floated in the sky.
“Can we go there?” I asked Zephyr.
“Of course.” He seemed receptive to my eagerness, but still wary of Auster who kept close to my side.
“Did I come here often… before?” I asked.
“Yes. Whenever you came back to Althenia you would spend time here and of course on the Nova province.”
It wasn’t surprising I clearly didn’t favor Notus or Aquilo’s lands, or I wasn’t welcome there. I was curious in this life, however, and made a note to visit even if just to piss them off because they had to host me.
“Actually there’s a place you might find more intriguing than another boring castle,” Zephyr said with a knowing smile.
It turned me giddy and I followed without regarding Auster. The streets here were so tranquil and beautifully snow-covered. A carriage pulled up, silver and pulled by two magnificent white horses. Except…
“They have wings,” I marveled. I had never believed such a creature existed.
“Pegasus,” Zephyr told me, coming around to stroke the mane of one. “They’re very rare in our age. Sacred to our people.”
I thought back to the time I’d gotten to ride a regular horse on my way to the Libertatem. I might not have mustered the courage were it not for Nyte. Even though he’d only been in my mind, the memory was as real to me as if he’d physically been there, pressed tightly behind me and helping to guide the beast.
I wondered if riding the Pegasus would be more like dragonback, something I was excited to experience when Eltanin was big enough.
“Want to ride?” Zephyr asked, tipping his chin to the carriage.
Beaming, I all but skipped up to it, taking Auster’s hand for help. My gut tightened in anticipation and Eltanin gave a small caw, burrowing in my hood deeper. He could fly alongside, and I should be encouraging it; he was becoming quite the lazy dragon.
I clutched the side of the open double facing carriage as the Pegasus walked. Their wings expanded as they picked up speed, then my stomach tumbled to the leap they took into the air. They were so smooth in their flight that it was like we were gliding. Eagerly I peered over to drink in the snowy province below us that expanded with so many homes, forests with hidden communities, and mountains.
“How is your own flying coming along?” Auster asked.
His eyes had tuned soft on me and I sank back into my seat.
“Good, actually. Once I felt what it was like to fly I think it came back to me quite easily.”
“I am glad,” he said with a smile.
“And your powers?” Zephyr asked.
My fingers flexed subconsciously at that; the key was now a small baton strapped at my hip.
“I’m getting better at reaching that too.”
“Is he treating you well?” Auster asked with a stiff edge.
“Yes. He’s careful with me.” That wasn’t a lie despite the time I’d provoked him into a battle after seeing Drystan. Though I kind of wanted to unleash like that with him and our powers again.
We landed high and I hopped out the carriage on my own, eager to trace my hand down the beautiful wings of the Pegasus I might not see again for a while.
“This way,” Zephyr said, already strides ahead.
I bustled after him heading toward a small woodland around the bend of tall rocks. My breath was stolen when I saw it wasn’t ordinary. The ethereal glow of the nature here gave off an enchanted energy. A quiet pocket of magick.
So much glowed in the brightest neon colors, which I’d only seen by Starlight Matter enhancements. Lights flew around—insects—which immediately caught the interest of Eli, who jumped suddenly from his cozy nest around my neck. I grinned watching him chasing after the small life around here.
“What is this place?” I asked, wandering into the greenery that was untouched by the snow.
“There are a couple of spots like it around Althenia; no one really knows why they bloomed, though some speculate they’re places where the spiritual veil is thinnest. I believe you liked to come here because you’re the star-maiden.”
“We call them Light Nests,” Auster added. “Many come to them to heal and find spiritual guidance.”
That took my interest as I trod carefully. When I touched the soft bark of a tree, small waves of energy lapped over my skin, the silver lines and swirls on me came to life, adding another glow to the ethereal space.
“Do you think it’s possible to reach guidance from a spiritual realm such as… the realm of the guardians?”
Auster looked me over curiously. Then he frowned at the grass he walked over, which was brighter than any I’d seen before. I followed, touching and weaving through the trees between us.
“Your guardians did well in raising you to be an unbiased and fair ruler, but I think even your parents thought their own hearts meddled too often.”
I didn’t expect Auster not to be fond of them.
“What do you mean?”
“The guardians let your rebellions thrive when they were supposed to teach you discipline.”
I turned tense at the way he spoke of me like a child out of line. The guardians had been kind and genuine—I’d never felt the kind of safe attachment like I had when I’d been around them. As if no matter what I confessed, they’d help me find a way.
“My parents seem to have given up on me anyway,” I muttered resentfully.
“They only want what is best for you.”
“They wanted a perfect creation. A person they could control the world with. They should have given up their supreme forms to be here themselves.”
“Don’t reject those who made you and want to better the world, Astraea. Not for him.”
It always came back to Nyte. It always would.
“You have to accept he’s part of me.”
“Then Bond with him!” Auster’s outburst shocked me.
Zephyr shifted awkwardly before turning, following Eltanin’s antics to appear uninterested.
“Now you’re encouraging me to bond with him?” I said bitterly.
“I can’t bear it, Astraea. Being around you with that chance, even if just a thread, that you could still choose to bond with me instead. So do it; let us both heal from the fact that it would never have been me. It’s the only way I’ll believe there’s no hope for us.”
That confession tore through me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Auster shook his head. “Don’t be. Just get it over with.”
His words stung. “Nyte showed me a memory—”
“Please don’t speak his name,” he snapped.
I winced. “He showed me something I’d told him once. That I loved you and always would. We were friends. I didn’t want to lose that then and I don’t now.”
“I am trying. Which is why you have to do this for me to move on.”
How could I tell him that I couldn’t bond with Nyte? Not yet. His father was at large with a way to kill Nyte now if we forged that bond and became part of each other.
“I will.”
“Now.”
His persistence made me uneasy but my guilt about hurting him made me understand why he wanted it over with. I hoped he was right, and that once Nyte and I were bonded, we could heal from it as friends even if he would never warm to Nyte.
“Such a thing shouldn’t be rushed into,” Zephyr said carefully.
It was the first time I’d seen Auster direct a hostile stare at one of his brothers. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“We’re all here to counsel her. Let us get past Star-Maiden Day, at least.”
“It doesn’t need to wait. She’s made her choice,” Auster argued.
I interjected, “And that means I choose when it happens. I’m sorry this hurts you, but it shouldn’t take this for you to accept that our bond is gone.”
“It’s not though,” he said, in a low tone that had me balking along with his step toward me. “So long I can still feel you, the essence of you that reaches for me, it’s fucking torture. I want it gone and the only way that happens is if you bond him.”
“Or you both declare your rejection,” Zephyr countered.
I stiffened at the dark look that flexed around Auster’s eyes from that. “This is none of your fucking business.”
“We can reject it?” I asked.
“I won’t,” Auster said firmly.
“Why not?”
“Because the only way I’m letting you go is if it’s impossible to bond you, or you’re dead.”
Auster began to leave after hanging those haunting words in the air. My throat tightened at them and my vision swayed. I didn’t know why they impacted me this way. It felt like panic, fear.
I spun to go after him but Zephyr caught my arm.
“Let him be for a while.”
It was a relief to hear that when I didn’t want to face him after that but I wondered if I was being selfish, hurting him more than he deserved and this lashing out was justified.
“It would have been so much easier if I could have fallen for him, instead,” I whispered. It ached my soul to acknowledge that, but it was the truth.
“Easier to everyone but you.”
“Is that not what being a leader is? The star-maiden?” I pulled my arm free, pacing in a restless growing resentment. “No wonder your brothers see me as nothing more than a stubborn, rebellious child back then and now.”
When Zephyr didn’t respond I stopped walking to scowl up at him. I didn’t expect him to be standing there watching me with an amused smile.
“This isn’t funny!”
“I didn’t say it was,” he said through a chuckle. “Stars, I’ve missed you, Astraea. You haven’t changed; you’ve just been hiding.”
I blinked at that. “We were good friends, weren’t we?”
“You could say that,” he said somberly now.
I ran a hand down my face. “Everything would be so much easier if I just remembered.”
Zephyr’s mouth firmed with that. “I have to believe everything has an order and that you will, when the time is right.”
“I don’t think time is ever right. It can’t be stopped, or reversed, or pushed faster. Time gets the blame for things we do or that happen in a way that is unfavorable to our current circumstances. Or how we feel better about the things we let get away when they were desirable.”
“Or how we push through the hardships believing time has a plan—something better waiting in its passage. You’re right. Sometimes I think time is used as a means of hope, and that there’s a reason for why we don’t achieve what we want in the present, or have lost what’s in the past. Have faith, Astraea. It might be the last light you have to make it through the dark.”
My shoulders slumped. Peering up at Zephyr, I felt both yearning and unsure about what I wanted right now.
“Can I—?”
Zephyr already crossed the few steps, pulling me to him in an embrace. I sighed with the wrap of comfort, deciding to trust that our past friendship was true.
“How is Katerina?” I asked, flooding with concern that I hadn’t inquired sooner. “And all the others that were saved?”
Zephyr tensed before he broke our hug. “Everyone is healing. Glad to be home and alive, at least.”
I got the sense he wasn’t telling me everything. “Can I see her?”
“Probably not best right now.”
“You’re her bonded… she was worried about what you would think about her lost wings.”
I backed a step, suddenly awash with a cold chill. Had she been right in her fear that he would reject her?
“I want to see her,” I demanded.
“You can’t.”
“I’m going to the castle by invitation or not.”
“She’s not there.”
Now I was retreating, regretting that embrace and how easily I felt myself trusting that he was an ally. Not like Notus or Aquilo.
“Astraea, there are things you don’t yet understand or remember about our ways here. This is what I meant by having faith. Being patient.”
“This seems pretty damn clear,” I said. My fingers brushed the key at my hip. “What did you do to her?”
His jaw worked. He knew the truth wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
“She’s exiled from all four provinces.”
My mouth fell open. “How could you?”
“She is safe—”
“How would you even know?”
Oh gods… I should have believed her fear, helped her, offered to let her stay with me and Rose and the others.
“Because I wouldn’t exile her to an unknown fate,” he hissed.
He had a fucking nerve to be angry.
“Wings don’t change anything about a person.”
“It makes a celestial powerless. Impure. At least that is what our laws have dictated for millennia. There was a time black wings were more common because it was a curse. There’s a reason Nyte is so villainized because of them. A celestial’s wings turning black was a mark of their sin that they’d slain another celestial, or had their shadow stolen—been cursed essentially. Though since that’s not happened in over a century some believe that was a myth. Either way, the High Celestials in past decreed black wings would be torn out and those celestials exiled. Over time if someone had them poached, people often believed it was because they were black and they’d had them ripped out themselves to hide their sin. So it became part of our laws to exile them all.”
My mind spun with all that information on top of my outrage over Katerina’s exile.
Zephyr’s eyes turned pleading. “Celestials are prideful and arrogant—we’ve always been known as the species chosen by the gods, that were depicted as their perfect mortal image. It’s always been the role of the High Celestials, four individuals, to keep our species thriving and pure.”
I shook my head. “None of this makes me see what you did as right . What does that make me? I am the star-maiden, a direct daughter of gods. What if I say no to this?”
To my surprise, Zephyr relaxed, almost smiled. A stark contrast to my building fury.
“Like you never left,” he said to himself. Zephyr took a long breath, closing in a step toward me. “Please don’t do anything reckless. There’s more you’re yet to see and understand. If you take this to Auster it will disrupt a lot you don’t want to shake right now. Can you trust me?”
“I barely know you.”
“That’s not true and you know it.”
I let him take my arms. Shit, I wanted to believe how I felt was real and that I could trust it—trust him.
“I love her with all I am, Astraea. She’s half of me. Nothing could change that even if she’s not with me now.”
Time. Order. And faith. It’s all I had. All I could hope was that I wasn’t being led astray by my own intuition to be patient with Zephyr like he’d asked, and that I’d have the strength to challenge all the High Celestials on this cruel, unjust law when the time was fucking right.