11. On A Knife’s Edge
On A Knife’s Edge
D eclan dropped the knife to the floor as if it were made of magma. It clattered and spun, ending somewhere under the bed. He stared at Aquilan. Aquilan stared back at him. The king did not look afraid. Alarmed? Yes. Concerned? Yes. But not about himself. About Declan? Maybe. Aquilan slowly and gracefully lifted a hand towards Declan. The firelight–that was the only light in the room–sparkled on the gold vambraces he wore.
Thank god, no sunlight!
The king spoke, “Declan?”
Declan? Who is Declan? I’m…
His brain screeched to a halt. He was Declan. Declan was him. He lifted a shaking hand to his forehead, which was covered in cold sweat. He felt so weak. So awful. Was this now ?
“How did I get here?” Declan asked as his legs started to wobble beneath him.
He firmed them. He would not show weakness. To show weakness was to invite attack. To be attacked in this state was to likely fail. To fail was to die… again .
“I brought you here,” Aquilan explained softly. “Myself, General Baston and Rhalyf found you outside.”
Outside? The Sun… oh, the Sun… It was so bright.
But it wasn’t bright here. It was dark. Blessedly dark. The window’s shutters were firmly closed. If Declan could have hugged the darkness to him, he would have. More cold sweat soaked the collar of his shirt.
Aquilan continued “You were quite ill so I took you up to one of the–”
“Rooms at the Dawn. Yeah, I know. I recognize it… now,” Declan interrupted, pleased that he remembered something clearly, but displeased he had stopped the king from speaking.
His voice… God, his voice… It’s like warm honey.
He shook himself. This was not the time! He was… was sick… weak… exposed. And all of that in front of the damned king .
“Good. Good, I’m glad you know that. Perhaps we could speak further once you sit down. Or perhaps lay down?” Aquilan offered, taking a step towards him.
Declan froze and his eyes were fixed on the Sun Elf again. Aquilan held up both hands as if to show he carried no weapons, was no threat, intended no harm. But Declan knew that meant nothing. Sun Elves had magic. They needed no weapons. They could strike…
But why would he? Why would he hurt me? I’m nothing to him. I’m nothing…
His legs were wobbling again. He tried to keep upright, but went down on one knee. And then the king was on him. Declan let out a shrill cry of despair that he had fallen, but Aquilan didn’t hurt him. He was gently helping Declan lay down on his back on the soft, soft bed. He was arranging the pillows for him, pulling the comforter over him.
The comforter will bind my arms! It will make it hard for me to fight! I–
“Shhh, shhhh, Declan, it’s all right. You are safe,” Aquilan murmured.
“Safe? Nowhere is safe. Like trust, safe is a weak word,” Declan muttered, half unaware he was saying anything.
A flash of pain appeared in Aquilan’s eyes. “That’s not true, Declan. You are safe with me . And you can trust me. That does not make you weak.”
Vulre wouldn’t buy that. He… who is Vulre? The guy in the dream. The Kindreth. The one that… that was going to kill me… But it was a dream. And it’s over. Thank god, it’s over.
He shivered as more cold sweat burst out from every pore and yet he felt on fire at the same time.
Hot and cold.
Sweating and freezing.
Aquilan’s empty hands were now limned with soft green light.
Healing magic, Declan remembered. That’s what she wanted to use… Lady Ashryn… God, that dream! More like a nightmare.
Aquilan placed one of those green-limned hands against the center of Declan’s chest. It was the green of new spring shoots. The color of living things. And Declan swore he smelled freshly cut grass after the rain as waves of warmth flowed out from that hand throughout his whole body. He let out a moan of pleasure understanding now why Vulre had reacted as he did.
But that was a dream. I didn’t know how healing magic felt before now.
“This will help you. I swear I will not harm you. No one will harm you,” Aquilan soothed.
Against his will, Declan settled down into the pillows and mattress more, his body lax, his eyelids beginning to droop again. If he was not careful, he would sleep once more.
Sleep and dream? Or sleep and…
Aquilan was speaking again, “I am not yet certain what ails you. What I am doing now is balancing your energy. As I said, this will not harm you in any way. It will aid you in healing.”
“I’m not ill,” Declan insisted through chattering teeth. Even without his teeth pretending to be castanets, it was a rather ridiculous thing to say considering he couldn’t even keep on his feet.
He can’t know about me and the Sun. He can’t…
Except Aquilan already must know. He’d found Declan like a fish out of water in the Sun, gasping and unable to even crawl to the thin shadows the trees cast. He’d told Finley that the Sun Elves would naturally distrust anyone or anything that was affected adversely by sunlight. After all, weren’t the Leviathan blown apart by light? And most of the beings that had come from the Under Dark–monsters and the morally suspect–were also harmed by the Sun. So if he was harmed by the Sun, too, then…
But he was human.
Humans were not impacted adversely by sunlight. They needed it. He could almost hear Finley lecturing him about the benefits of Vitamin D. But the very thought of ever going into daylight again had him shuddering. If Aquilan hadn’t come when he had, what would have happened to him? He should be grateful to this elf. Again. Aquilan had saved him for a second time.
But what must he think of me?
“While I am not a Mender,” Aquilan was saying, “I am quite good at healing.”
There was a slight bashful smile as he added that last bit.
“You’re the most powerful magic wielder of all the Aravae,” Declan croaked out.
That had Aquilan reaching for a cup of water on the nightstand beside the bed. He helped Declan sit up and placed the cup to his lips. Declan took a drink of water and then he was taking the cup from Aquilan’s hands and downing it. Water sloshed over his chin and soaked the front of his shirt. He thrust it out towards the king without thinking.
“More?” Aquilan asked.
He nodded then flushed. He’d just asked–no, demanded wordlessly–that the king get him a cup of water. But Aquilan didn’t seem to mind playing nursemaid to him. Indeed, Aquilan merely poured another cup for him from the pitcher on the nightstand.
Declan wanted to do it himself, but his hands were shaking and he feared he would simply drop the earthenware pitcher on the ground where it would shatter. Aquilan gave him the full cup. He drank this one more slowly and carefully, only letting a dribble of water escape and run down his chin. He wiped his mouth with the back of his right hand and stared at the king.
Is this real? Is he actually here? I’ve been thinking about him for so long… This feels like another dream. Or another nightmare. Not sure which.
“Why are you here?” Declan asked, then quickly amended, “With me?”
Aquilan moved his long hair back from his shoulders. It looked soft and even in the low light of the fire, he could see different colors of gold, bronze and platinum in the strands. The firelight shimmered in it. He wondered what it would be like to draw his fingers through it. Would it be as silky as it appeared? Would it smell of roses? He dragged his eyes away. The king’s hair should not be so fascinating.
“We were coming to the Dawn when we found you outside. My skills at healing exceed even Rhalyf’s so… but if you were to prefer a Mender, we could send for one,” Aquilan offered, but there was the faintest hesitation before he said that as if he didn’t want Declan to desire another healer.
“I don’t need a Mender,” Declan stated flatly.
His adopted parents’ caution for him to be examined by doctors of any sort reared up inside of him. Magical doctors would be even worse. But wouldn’t having the king look at him being the absolute last thing he should want? Well, the king had already examined him. So there was nothing to be done about that. He could–and would –keep anyone else from being involved.
“Are you certain you just don’t want… me?” Aquilan gave an uncertain smile. “When you realized it was I who found you outside, you said… Well, it doesn’t matter. Just know that if wish for another to assist you I will not be offended–”
“No.”
Aquilan blinked. “No, as to me helping you or–”
“I don’t want anyone else,” Declan answered, cradling the cup to his chest. “I don’t need… What did I say to you when you found me?”
“You indicated that you were upset it was me who found you like that,” Aquilan said.
“Why would I say that?” Declan asked, though he already knew.
His adopted mother had always said to him, “The problem about secrets is that the harder we try to keep them hidden, the more fate seems to want them revealed.”
Hadn’t she said that when his high school had been asking for more medical clearances? Yes, she’d been staring at her laptop at the required lists of forms she had to fill out for him to attend school. She’d given a helpless little laugh and covered her mouth as if to stop more from escaping. When he’d asked her what was wrong, she’d said that to him. About secrets being revealed. And wasn’t that happening here? At least in part? His Sun sensitivity was dangerous for any normal Sun Elf to know about, but the king ? For god’s sake, he could not have planned this worse if he had tried!
“I do not know why you said that, but I would hear whatever reason you have,” Aquilan said with a faint smile.
Declan turtled forward, realizing he was being foolish. Again. Finley was the one that was good with words. He just needed to be quiet or he’d get himself into more trouble.
“Of course, you don’t know. I… That was stupid. Everything I’ve said to you is stupid and not worth repeating or thinking about,” Declan mumbled. “I was ill.”
Aquilan studied him carefully. “I do not believe that you ever say anything stupid or not worth thinking about.”
Declan’s eyes shifted to Aquilan, but then quickly away. He kept his mouth firmly shut.
Aquilan didn’t rush to fill the silence. The fire crackled in the hearth. There was the faint noise of the bar beneath them. And yet, Aquilan seemed in no hurry to leave him.
Finally, the Sun King said, “So are we in agreement that I will be the one taking care of you, Declan?”
There was no getting out of this without offending the king. He was nobody. He was nothing. But Michael, Finley and Gemma’s lives might be adversely affected if he earned the Sun King’s ire, too. So he did the only thing he really could.
In a tone that was oddly formal yet felt right, Declan answered, “I would be honored, King Aquilan.”
“You are recovering swiftly on your own,” Aquilan said, but there were faint worried lines appearing on his forehead. “But we do not know what caused you to collapse in the first place. Finley–”
“You spoke to Finley?” Declan’s eyes immediately searched the room for his best friend, but he already knew that he and Aquilan were alone here. He was keenly aware of that.
“Yes, he was quite concerned about you. He mentioned you’d gotten ill earlier in the day,” Aquilan let that sentence hang.
Had Finley said too much? No, Finley would have kept his mouth shut even with the king. Except Finley had said if he got sick again, he would go get a Mender. Finley didn’t believe him that the Aravae would look upon him with suspicion if he was Sun sensitive.
Sensitive? It was far more than that!
“Where is he? Finley?” Declan qualified.
“He and General Baston are downstairs with my best friend, Lord Rhalyf Neres. I assure you that both of them truly wished to be by your side, but I thought quiet was better,” Aquilan explained.
“Michael is here?” Declan couldn’t help his shock at that.
General Michael Baston was many, many good things, but he was also a workaholic. He would never go to the Dawn during the workday unless…
“Yes, he met us on our way to Tyrael,” Aquilan said and looked thoughtful. “He is an interesting man.”
“He’s a great man,” Declan stated firmly.
Aquilan’s blue eyes flickered over his face, but then he nodded. “Yes. He thinks the world of you and Finley, too. You saved his daughter, Gemma, from the Leviathan.”
Declan lowered his head and gripped the empty cup. “We just made it through until you came.”
Though he wasn’t looking directly at the Sun King, he sensed Aquilan stiffen. He let his eyes flicker up to the Sun King’s face. Aquilan’s mouth was flattened into a tight line.
Carefully, Aquilan said, “I saw you three that day. I don’t know if you saw me–”
“You were the sudden dawn,” Declan said, his voice thick with emotion. “You destroyed the monsters. We all saw you. I saw you. No one could miss you. It’s why Helgrom named the inn that. The Sudden Dawn. After you.”
Aquilan had done what he could not: destroy every single one of those foul beasts that had killed his adopted mother and father.
They came for you, his mother’s whispered words went through his head. She hadn’t meant the Sun Elves. She’d meant the Leviathan.
No, they couldn’t have come for me. I’m nobody. I’m nothing. Why would they come for me? His mind went very still and then he thought, Please let them not have come for me.
“I am so sorry that I did not arrive sooner,” Aquilan’s voice was brittle as if it might shatter. “I am sure that is cold comfort for you and yours considering how much everyone lost in Tyrael.”
Declan frowned, confused at the guilt in Aquilan’s tone. “You… you came. You didn’t have to. You could have let the Leviathan wipe us out. We were nothing to you back then, not even part of the Empire.”
Aquilan’s hands bunched in his lap. He had such elegant hands. Declan knew that he wielded swords, bows and magic with those hands. He wondered if the king’s palms were rough with calluses or were they soft like silk. He wrenched his eyes away from those hands.
“You live under the Sun, therefore, you are my concern,” Aquilan finally said.
Not me. The Sun hurts me.
“You did all you could. You conquered the Leviathan. They retreated,” Declan said, feeling the absurd need to convince the Sun King that he had done enough for humanity.
“But not iefyr ,” Aquilan murmured.
Declan froze.
That’s the nonsense word I yelled after Mom… Mom died. But it’s not a Katyr word! What–
“It’s a Kindreth word. It means ‘to the end’ and so much more. So very much more.” Aquilan gave him a shadow of a smile, having intuited what he was thinking. At least in part. “Of course, you would not know it. Few do even among the Aravae. It is not encouraged to know much about the Kindreth.”
It’s a Kindreth word. Why do I know a Kindreth word?
He thought of Vulre. Was that just a dream? Vulre had white hair and red eyes just like Finley had told him of the Night Elves.
And Night Elves are harmed by the Sun…No, it was just a dream. I… I… can’t be…
Despite his mind spinning, he found himself asking, “Why? They’re your great enemy, are they not? You should know everything about them.”
Another soft, sad smile. “The Kindreth left long ago for the endless depths of the Under Dark. We have not seen even one of their kind for…” Here, Aquilan’s eyes left him and he was staring into the distance. “For a very long time.”
And, for some reason, Declan felt the Sun King was lying about that. But why would he?
Likely so I don’t freak out and start telling everyone that the Kindreth have been sighted. From how Finley explained it, the Kindreth are the monsters under the bed. Worse than the Leviathan. Worse than anything.
His mind flashed back again to the dream he’d had. Vulre Vultorus, Blood Knight to Lady Ashryn Zinsandoral and Master of the Venomthorn. They were such specific names. Hardly ones he would just make up. Maybe Finley had told him something about these people in his research on Vex? He must have.
But, even so, what was going on with him? First, this Sun sensitivity and now this dream that didn’t feel like a dream at all. He was drawing attention to himself. He was sticking out. He must not do that. Especially in front of the king…
Who had told him to keep low? His adopted parents? Himself? Why was he so very certain that he should keep himself hidden at all costs?
Except I’m not hidden now. I’m in front of the most powerful person in all of the Empire. He saved me from the Sun. He’ll have questions. I have to get out of here before I give too much away. Too much of what?
His voice was low and rushed as he said, “King Aquilan, I am the one who should be sorry. I’ve been behaving probably not how I should with you and–”
“The knife,” Aquilan interrupted his apology and attempt to slip out of bed. In fact, the Aravae placed a firm hand on his chest and kept him right where he was.
The knife. The damned knife.
He swallowed hard and said, “I’m so very sorry about that. I just–”
“Was it the same one you had the day the Leviathan came? The one you had in your hand when I saw you with the other two? Gemma and Finley, right?” Aquilan asked.
His expression was quite intent, quite earnest, but not like a man who had a knife pulled on him. It was something altogether different.
“I…” Declan swallowed again. His throat was so dry. It felt like the sides of it were sticking together. Was the knife back on his arm as a tattoo or still under the bed? Which should he wish for?
Aquilan’s expression grew gentle as he asked, “Have you kept it with you since the attack? To feel… safe?”
Oh, Declan had kept it with him all right. He had it literally tattooed on his skin. And what human could do that? He thrust that thought aside. Finley thought humans could do magic. Maybe he truly was proof of that. Or maybe it was something to do with his exposure to the Leviathan that had changed him and the knife. Or maybe…
Declan got out, “I’m so sorry I attacked you. I did not mean–I would never –harm you. I was… was dreaming and–”
“Declan, I am not angry or concerned about that,” Aquilan assured him. His right hand–which was still touching the center of Declan’s chest–pressed tighter against him. “I merely…” Aquilan lowered his head. “Tyrael was the first place to be attacked. You three were the only ones who survived. I want to make sure that you, of all people, feel safe now.”
There is no safety! Anyone who says otherwise is lying to get you to drop your guard so that they can strike, Vulre’s voice rose up in his mind.
“I feel safe,” Declan lied.
Aquilan lifted his eyes to study Declan’s face. He did not believe Declan. But he did not say so but there was a flash of disappointment or sadness–Declan couldn’t tell which–that passed over his hauntingly beautiful face.
I’ll remember every moment of this time with him. I will have to. I am certain it will never come again. I should hope it does not.
“I need to get downstairs. Lily can’t handle the Dawn on her own,” Declan said as he resolutely pushed the covers off of him.
“Declan, we have not determined what is wrong–”
“Nothing is. I haven’t eaten today and didn’t get much sleep,” he lied again, not meeting Aquilan’s eyes, “and the honey brew was cursed by fairy magic so…” He shrugged.
“Fairy magic? Ah, that explains the smell!” Aquilan let out a delighted laugh that skated down Declan’s spine. “So that’s what you were doing with the barrel outside.”
He nodded as he slid around Aquilan’s seated form on the edge of the bed and got onto his feet. He held his breath as he stood up, fearful that he would collapse again and cause the king to investigate his “illness” yet more, but his legs were firm. He saw his boots were set nicely by the foot of the bed. Had Aquilan taken off his boots and put them there? It was such a kind gesture and so beneath a king that Declan couldn’t quite picture it. Or rather, he could picture it and it made him feel strangely warm inside. He thrust that thought away too as he stuffed his feet in his boots.
“I truly think you should rest, Declan,” Aquilan advised, but he didn’t order Declan to stay so Declan supposed he could ignore it.
What were the rules of dealing with a king? His king, he supposed. It was so strange. Aquilan did not act like some kind of god high emperor or anything. Instead, he was quite down to Earth. Well, for a glorious Aravae anyway. He actually made the non-royal Aravae look snotty in comparison. It was strange. Declan was certain he would think about this for endless hours, days, months– years –to parse it all out even though he was trying to get out of the man’s presence now as quickly as possible.
Aquilan was still sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him, and Declan flushed when he realized he was under the king’s regard. Aquilan’s expression was so odd. It was as if he wanted to ask Declan something quite desperately, but could not or would not. Yet what kind of question would a king not ask his subject? And what could Declan answer that would mean so much to his king?
“You should join your friend downstairs, King Aquilan,” Declan advised, wondering if it was okay to advise a king of anything. “If you’re staying… we have wonderful wine and food. I don’t know if that would interest you, but I will make sure you’re taken care of.”
Aquilan smiled. “I wish to be taking care of you, Declan, but I can see that you will not let me. At least not today.”
Declan blinked. That last part seemed to indicate the king intended to try and take care of him another day . But no, once Aquilan left the Dawn, Declan would never see him again. Not so close. Not so personal. Not to notice the way the firelight reflected in his hair or the way his full lips pursed just so or how he moved with such grace and economy…
Aquilan rose. “Yes, I will go down with you if only to keep an eye on you. And if you feel ill in the least–”
“I am fine,” Declan assured him and, like with the time that afternoon, he seemed recovered.
But if I went out into the Sun again, I think I would get sicker far faster and maybe not recover for some time.
“Good,” Aquilan said. “But if you do–”
“I will sit down and rest,” Declan stated.
“Excellent. Now do you wish to get your knife?” Aquilan tilted his head towards the bed.
Declan’s mouth dried of all saliva. Was the knife still under the bed? Or was it a tattoo on his arm? Regardless, he had to get it or pretend to. Aquilan would find it awfully strange if he didn’t.
I need to show him it when I get out from under the bed.
“Ah, yeah, I–”
“Actually, I should get it for you,” Aquilan said, frowning slightly. “You should not be crawling around–”
“No, no! I’ll get it!”
Declan immediately dropped to his hands and knees before oiling underneath the bed. There was no knife under there. It was back on his arm. How was he going to explain this?
“Do you see it?” Aquilan asked.
“Ah, it’s just… wait a minute… let me…”
“I can use magic to–”
“No, no, I have it!” Declan lied.
He wrenched the sleeve of his hoodie up to expose the “tattoo.” For the first time in his life, he willed the damned thing to appear in his hand.
Nothing happened.
Oh, come on! Appear! Appear, goddamn you!
“Declan?” Aquilan said and he was staring into the king’s blue eyes again.
They were both under the bed.
Both of them were lying on the ground on their bellies, staring at one another, across the length of the mattress. A dust bunny drifted between them. Both of them tracked its progress as it passed from left to right and… the knife! It was in his right hand. The dust bunny passed it by.
“Ah, I see you found it,” Aquilan said with an almost rueful smile as if he was regretful that they couldn’t spend more time rooting underneath the bed looking for the knife.
“I… I did!” Thank god. “It was just… just far under… ah, here,” Declan gestured with the knife around them before. realizing that he was, once more, using a knife around the king. He firmly set it flat against the ground. “But we should get up.”
“Yes, indeed.”
Declan waited for Aquilan to move first. And, seemingly, Aquilan was waiting for Declan to move first. The laughter that bubbled out of the king’s mouth soon had Declan smiling as well.
“I think neither of us really wants to go back to our duties,” Aquilan sighed and rested his chin on his hands.
“What duties await you downstairs?” Declan asked. “If–if you can say.”
Those blue eyes met his. A rather rueful smile crossed the king’s lips, but then he gave a brief nod. “I think… I think I can tell you. Perhaps I can tell you most of all.”
Me? Why me? I’m nothing…
“I need to… to understand how things truly are here and with all of humanity,” Aquilan explained. “Perhaps you could help me with that?”
Declan wanted to say yes. Nearly every part of him was screaming at himself to say yes. He had never felt so comfortable with anyone other than Finley. But this was a different sort of comfort. It made him feel warm in ways he couldn’t fully explain.
But unlike Finley, who accepted everything he did as miraculous and special, he could all too well imagine Aquilan’s teasing, welcoming expression dying when he figured out that Declan… Declan was… He couldn’t be in the light. He couldn’t stand in the Sun King’s presence and not be discovered. Whatever that meant.
They came for you, his mother’s anguished words echoed in his ears.
“I would like to, but…” Here, Declan licked his lips, hesitated, but then he forced himself to say the next words, to stop the possibility of being more in the king’s presence, “But I’m not like other people.”
Declan quickly scooted out from underneath the bed and headed towards the bedroom door. It was better to end this now. This would be the last time he would be alone like this with the Sun King. And though his heart ached, he knew it was for the best.