Violet
The trouble was, despite being angry she was also desperately sad.
And despite saying never trust a charmer, she had trusted him.
Because he was a good man and because she wanted to believe him.
In a way it made the betrayal even worse.
He had not only lied to her but he’d lied to himself– which made the dishonesty sound all the more plausible.
‘Are you not thinking that’s likely to aid your recovery?’ she asked.
‘Indeed. Luckily I am the very epitome of youthful vigour and resilience. This paltry offering of’—he poked the grey lump with his fork—'chicken? Shall not impede my return to full strength. Just a little sad that my penultimate meal in this delightful establishment is so lacklustre. My fond memories of the place may be adversely affected and the TripAdvisor rating has definitely gone done a star.’ He looked up from his plate with a smile.
‘Anyway, my gorgeous girl,’ he said. ‘How goes it out on the mean streets of Bristol?’
Marvin patted the bed next to his leg. ‘Sit down, lovely,’ he said. ‘You look a little forlorn. Would you like a cuddle?’
She nodded and sat as close to Marvin as she could without getting in the way of his supper or his broken ribs. He put an arm around her and then winced. ‘On second thoughts, I think you might have to cuddle me.’
They rearranged their limbs into a more sensible position but it was clear that this was not a particularly comforting arrangement for either of them. Violet pulled away. ‘I’ll just sit on the chair,’ she said. ‘But thanks for the offer.’
‘So, what ails thee?’ he said. ‘I can’t possibly eat my dinner, appetising as it is, with you looking so sad, so you’d better tell me, if only for my own health.’
Violet related the events of the preceding hour and Marvin listened in silence, nodding occasionally, a worldly-wise expression on his face.
‘So, she’s returned to the apartment,’ he said when Violet had finished. ‘For good? Is the engagement back on?’
She shrugged. ‘I wasn’t sure when I saw her.
I had my suspicions, just from the way she was– proprietorial, you know.
’ Marvin nodded. ‘But I mean she didn’t say categorically, “I am reunited with my estranged fiancée so why don’t you take your little pot plant and fuck off”, but then, she wouldn’t say that, would she? ’
‘Probably not,’ conceded Marvin. ‘But have you spoken to Gus?’
‘To start off he sent me a text message ,’ Violet spat out the words, ‘saying something had “come up”.’
Marvin grimaced. ‘Yes. Texting that sort of info is not a good look.’
‘But then he called a while ago, said he wanted to talk. In fact we’ve just finished, you know, talking .’
‘And?’
Violet screwed up her face, realising she was building up for another ugly cry.
‘And– and– I think they probably are getting back together,’ she said eventually.
‘I don’t know for certain; he didn’t seem to know for certain– and that was part of the problem.
I don’t want to hang around while he decides.
I mean, I told him off for acting as though he had no agency in the decisions being made by Amelia– it would be stupid of me not to follow my own advice on decisions being made by him. Oh, Marv! What am I going to do?’
He held her awkwardly as she spoke between sobs. ‘He said everyone deserved a second chance and that they had this shared history and he couldn’t just turn his back on her and… You know… He’s a good guy. Apart from being a liar.’
There was a pause before Marvin’s voice broke through her quietening sobs. ‘Is he a liar though?’ he said. ‘Did he actually lie? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d like to shake the man for his abject stupidity choosing anyone over you– but did he lie outright?’
‘As good as,’ said Violet. ‘I asked him directly whether he still had feelings for her a couple of nights ago. And he said no.’ She sighed.
‘If he’d just been honest with me– if he’d said, “I’m not over Amelia, it’s going to take me a while to get over her, and chances are, if she wanted me back I’d welcome her with open arms”, then I could have lived with that. ’
Marv gave her a sceptical look.
‘I could, Marv! I can cope with knowing I’m second best. I would have just accepted that this was a temporary situation, like that time I was with Daniel and we knew he was going off to Australia and that was okay– I could have enjoyed being with him for a few months and kept my heart safe.’
‘Really? Are you sure you wouldn’t have just left him for dust?’
She looked thoughtful. ‘Well, yes,’ she conceded.
‘I might have. But then that would have been my choice, wouldn’t it?
I’d have been making an informed decision, just like I always bang on about with my patients.
It’s all about having the facts, basing your decision on probabilities and known information. ’
‘But feelings aren’t really like that Violet,’ Marvin said gently.
Violet frowned. ‘He could have been clearer though,’ she said eventually.
‘I asked him a direct question. I didn’t expect cast-iron guarantees, I’m not stupid, but I gave him the opportunity to remove any ambiguity from the situation, to tell me straight.
Jesus, it was only two nights ago. He knew how important honesty is to me. He should have told me the truth.’
She looked down at the floor, scuffing the lino with her toe.
‘But instead, he gave me the impression that he was starting to see the split as a good thing– that he’d become aware of issues in their relationship.
He lied to my face. And, what’s worse, is that he dressed that lie up as the God’s honest truth.
’ She looked back up at Marv. ‘And I totally fell for it.’
‘Maybe he didn’t mean to mislead you? Maybe he really thought he was over Amelia?’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘He’s clever. He’s used to maintaining a facade, being convincing. He’s a charmer. Anjali warned me at the start of the week. It’s just his manner, she said. He can’t help it.’ She kicked her foot a little more firmly into the floor. ‘I should have listened to her.’
* * *
Marvin advised her that whenever he had been heartbroken in the past it had helped him to think in terms of taking back control (although not in a Brexit type way, he’d been quick to clarify).
It didn’t matter what form this took, just that it was important when a big decision had been taken out of your hands to feel there were still aspects of your life you had some say in.
Thinking on this, Violet made her way to ward twelve for handover and started making a list in her head.
She would begin with her career. There were bridges she needed to build and she also had to get her story straight before she spoke to Dr Corbishley.
Whatever else happened this week she could not lose her job as well as the man she loved– especially not within the same twenty-four hours– that would be disproportionately shit.
She would also speak to her parents. Come clean about her feelings of failure.
She wouldn’t necessarily admit to opting into the week of nights specifically to avoid them over Christmas, even she could see this was a bit brutal, but she needed to stop lying to them about how well things were going at work– she wasn’t a people person, and if they were hoping that she’d follow in their footsteps, beloved by her patients and happily married to someone who adored her, then they were wrong on both counts.
She wasn’t capable of inspiring devotion in either her working life or her personal life.
The sooner they knew this, the sooner she could stop living a lie and the sooner she’d stop being a massive hypocrite for despising liars in general when she was one herself.
Part one of her plan began almost as soon as she arrived on twelve.
The nurse she’d upset on Christmas Eve was working the night shift again.
She knew this nurse wasn’t the one who’d complained about her– from what Anjali had said, the two complaints had been logged well in advance of their falling out about medication– but she also knew that she had upset this particular individual and right now she had to deal with known quantities.
She tried to put together the little skills she’d picked up from Gus over the course of the week, after all, if she couldn’t have him then maybe she could be a bit more like him– turn the episode into a learning experience instead.
Every day’s a school day as Dev often said.
She found the nurse in question and had a discreet look at her name badge.
‘Sorry to bother you Jackie,’ she said. ‘I was wondering if I could have a word when you’re free?’
Jackie gave her a suspicious look. ‘I’m just finishing with this patient, Dr Winters,’ she said, her voice polite but cold. ‘I’ll be with you as soon as I can.’
‘Of course.’ Violet gave her a big smile. ‘Take your time.’
When Jackie had finished checking Mr Norman’s obs she returned to the nurses’ station.
‘You wanted a word?’ she said. She still looked tight-lipped but Violet wondered whether there was a note of anxiety in her voice as well– it was hard to decipher underneath the combative tone but maybe Jackie’s previous experience of Violet ‘having a word’ had been a deeply unpleasant one. Time for humble pie.
‘I wanted to apologise,’ said Violet. ‘For how I spoke to you last Monday.’
‘Oh!’ Clearly whatever Jackie had been expecting it wasn’t this.
‘It was my first night shift,’ continued Violet. ‘I was really nervous.’
Jackie nodded. ‘I didn’t realise.’
‘And I’m sometimes a bit rubbish at– uhm– knowing what to say and how to say it?
’ Violet stared down at her feet. She didn’t like admitting this stuff out loud.
‘But it’s still no excuse for speaking to you in the way that I did,’ she said, looking back up.
‘Not when you were asking me a reasonable question.’