Chapter 1 #3
“I don’t know. I need to look at what my options are,” I told him. “If I leave, it’s going to cost me. But I think it might be worth the price. I can sell this not-a-home to pay for it.”
“Look, I’m sorry about making you feel bad about—”
“No,” I interrupted quickly. “The truth is, this has never been home. And I’m sorry I didn’t call you before. I just needed a minute to deal with everything.”
I forced myself to turn away from the Victorian Ghost trapped in the mirror and went into the kitchen. I had tea, at least. The kettle was half-full, and the water level window had condensation from the last time I’d boiled it.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Tollin asked, his tone hesitant.
I sighed and leaned against the table, rubbing at my eyes.
“Same shit, different day. I don’t know why this one broke me, but…
” I paused and took a deep breath, my throat a little tight.
“I think I just had this moment where I realized it was never going to change, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I deserve better.”
“I hate to say this, but I’ve been telling you that for years,” Tollin replied softly.
I hated him for pointing that out, but it was true. “I’m not going to argue. But I don’t have a good answer for you—or anyone. I stayed until I couldn’t. Now I’m gone, and I don’t know what the fuck comes next.”
He was quiet for another beat, then said, “Tarik called me this afternoon. He said he’s sent you a few emails, but you’re not responding. I think he’s kind of freaked-out that you’re not okay. He said he has a proposition for you, so I told him I’d call and ask you to check out his message.”
Abandoning the tea, I walked into the living room and dropped onto the couch, pulling my laptop close.
I’d been avoiding my inbox for a good reason.
Luckily, I had friends and family filtered into a specific folder, and Tarik counted, considering we’d known him since high school.
He and his wife lived six blocks from Tollin and Lyria.
And yep. There was his email. A few succinct lines without any pomp or circumstance.
Atlas: How would you feel about an unplugged show at the Blue? Their NYE performer cancelled, and they asked me if I knew anyone. You can play those songs you’d been working on. We don’t have to announce your name either. It can be one of those anonymous shows.
Something in me blazed to life—a fire I hadn’t felt in years.
An anonymous show, just me, just my voice and my words, and not needing to worry about Raleigh and what he’d think.
Just me, and being able to pour out every ugly thing I was feeling so I could hopefully relieve some of the pressure sitting on my chest.
“Did you get it?” Tollin asked. Shit, I forgot he was still on the line.
I cleared my throat. “Ah, yeah. Are you and Lyria in town for New Year’s?”
He let out a small sigh. “We’re at Mom and Dad’s.”
That figured. But it was fine. “He was suggesting some plans for New Year’s Eve, and…and I think I might take him up on it.”
“Yeah?” Tollin sounded relieved, though he didn’t ask what kind of plans. He rarely did though. The only way for him to not stress about my well-being was to not know what I was getting myself into. “That could be really good for you. It sounds like you need a night out.”
I couldn’t tell him if that was right or wrong because I didn’t know what the fuck I needed besides to rewind a clock somewhere and go back to the moment Raleigh looked at me from across the quad and decided that I looked like a good opportunity.
That I looked lonely and willing and a little desperate.
Which I was.
And if I’d had the spine back then, I would have laughed in his face. But I was weak and desperate for affection, and now here I was, trying to patch up those scars.
I sat back and stared up at the ceiling. There was a thick layer of dust on the ceiling fan, and in the chrome lining, I could see reflections of snow falling out the window. “I can do this, right? I can make a life outside of him?”
“Yes. I might not have agreed with all the decisions you made over the course of your life, but I know you’re fucking strong. I know you can do this.”
“I just wish…” I trailed off for a second.
“What?” he pressed.
“I wish there was a way to make sure I don’t ever go back, you know? That he can’t show up and somehow convince me that going back to him and the band is the right idea.”
“You’re strong enough,” Tollin repeated. “I can hear it in your voice. I know you’re done.”
I wished to hell I could believe him, but what proof did I have? It couldn’t hurt to try, but god, I’d lost trust in myself so long ago. “I should go. I need to call Tarik and then get a car. There’s not a chance I’m driving myself in this mess.”
“I hope you have fun tonight,” Tollin said softly.
I almost laughed, but I knew he was being sincere. “I think I will.”
Something in my gut told me this was big. That tonight was going to change everything.
I just wish, in that moment, I understood how profoundly things would be different by the time the clock struck midnight.