Chapter 16
Sixteen
ATLAS
“Tell me you at least did something fun today,” Tollin said, pushing his salad around his plate with the tines of his fork.
I stared at him flatly. “I’m on a tropical island. Everything is fun.”
Tarik shuddered. “Not everything.”
At that, Gracie burst into laughter. “Yeah. He ate shit so hard today.”
I blinked. “What?”
“Let’s just say that Jet Skis are not for me.” His voice was low, drawn, and, if I didn’t know him better, pissed off.
“To be fair,” Hasan said, “that guy was a terrible guide.”
Ryan lifted a brow at him. “I thought you were doing kayaks.”
“They had a Jet Ski option,” Tollin said, looking apologetic. “I thought it would be a good idea. Tarik disagreed.”
“I did. And I was right. The water was choppy from the storm, which was unsuitable for beginners,” Tarik said with a sniff. “He said it was easy to learn if I just drove in a few circles. He said he was going to go slow so I could keep up.”
This time, Tollin looked like he was trying not to laugh. “He flipped his Jet Ski a couple times, then turned around and went back to the docks.”
My eyes widened, and I leaned forward. “You could have come to find us if these assholes abandoned you.”
“Excuse you,” Gracie said. “We did no such thing. Once we realized that he was gone, we turned around and went back. The guide didn’t even care. He got paid before we started.”
Tarik hunched his shoulders. “I was mostly embarrassed. I’m not really a thrill-seeker.”
Ryan made a startled noise. “Wait. Weren’t you, like, a roadie?”
Tarik immediately looked offended. “A security guard. The head of security.”
“Oh, shit. Sorry.” Ryan shot me a look. “That’s different, right?”
Tarik rolled his eyes, and I leaned over to steal a quick kiss and answer before Tarik could say something mean. “It’s very different.”
Ryan hummed with a small smile, then turned back to Tarik. “Wait. But that sounds more dangerous than a roadie.”
“Sweetheart, I’m not one of the Beatles. People barely knew who I was.” I stroked a touch along the back of his hand. “His job was keeping teenagers from trying to sneak into our dressing rooms to get naked.”
“That’s a lie. There were a lot of people trying to do a lot of things.
But the perpetrators trying to sneak past lines and barriers were teenagers,” Tarik said with a shrug.
“I didn’t feel particularly threatened. Plus, Atlas was always a softie and always took selfies with them before they were escorted off the premises. ”
“Oh my god, you are a marshmallow,” Gracie said, pointing her fork at me.
I shrugged. I had no shame about it. If they went to all that trouble of getting permanently banned, the least they could get was a damn photo.
“It never bothered me. I kind of wish I’d been that passionate about something as a kid.
I took up guitar to keep myself busy. Writing music came naturally, but it never felt like…
” I struggled to find the right words. “All the songs that made me feel something weren’t songs that fit the band.
What I did write for Tender Fracture wasn’t for me.
It was for the kids who came to our show.
I didn’t really have much passion until recently. ”
Ryan slid his fingers between mine. “Me either. I obviously love history—”
“To the point he used to annoy the shit out of me on shift,” Gracie said with a small smile.
He flipped her off and grinned. “But it’s not like I feel something fulfilling my soul standing in front of a bunch of kids who would rather be doing literally anything else than sitting in my classroom.”
“What about now?” Gracie asked.
I frowned at her. “Now?”
She pointed her fork from me to Ryan. “Yeah. This whole thing is moving so fast. And I’m not judging,” she said when Ryan sucked in a breath to tell her off. “I’m just saying this doesn’t happen without some kind of passion.”
“Maybe that’s their business,” Hasan said quietly.
Gracie’s cheeks darkened. “Sorry. I’m doing it again.”
Ryan’s shoulders sagged, and he squeezed my fingers. “It’s fine. I get it. And…I guess I didn’t really stop to think about it. But there’s not really words for how all this feels.”
“And if you—”
“Gracie,” Hasan said, stopping her words.
She bit her lip, then sighed. “Fine.”
This time, Ryan didn’t tell her it was okay. This time, he nodded and leaned a little closer to me as the server approached to take our salad plates so we had room for our mains.
The conversation switched when the food arrived. Gracie talked about her job and her wedding. My brother talked a little about the upcoming birth of his child and how he wanted to take his wife to the island once the kids were a little older.
Gracie floated the idea of making it a family trip, and I could see something shift in Ryan. I just couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. “I mean, this is nice, right? All of us here like this? And I wouldn’t mind if kids came around.”
Tarik looked happy, and so did Tollin. But Ryan was tense again.
“There’s plenty to do,” Gracie went on. “We could start our own family traditions! Sitting by the sea, having steak and white wine—”
“White wine is for fish,” Hasan said, his voice suddenly louder than usual. “Red is for steak.”
“Um. Bullshit,” Gracie fired back. “Red wine is for fish.”
“Excuse you—”
“Hey,” I murmured when the argument got louder and distracting. “Are you upset?”
Ryan shook his head and swallowed thickly. “No. But…she’s serious, isn’t she? About making this a family thing.”
“Seems so,” I murmured back. “It’s not something you have to agree to, you know.”
He rolled his eyes a little, then squeezed them shut. “I know.” He took a breath. “Can we talk when we get back to the room?”
“I am all yours. In every way it’s possible to be yours,” I added. It was the closest to those three little words I wanted to say but couldn’t.
He bowed his head, then looked over at me and smiled. “Same.”
For now, it was enough.
Gracie and Hasan agreed to disagree after Tollin and Tarik refused to weigh in, and I had lost the plot a while back. Ryan just shrugged and said, “Drink whatever the fuck you want, who cares,” and that killed it.
Luckily, no one wanted dessert, which made my tension ease a little. All I wanted was to get back to the room so I could figure out what was bothering Ryan. I wanted to know what he’d wanted to say.
What he’d been holding back since Gracie had asked him about passion.
“Alright, so tomorrow—” Gracie started.
“No.”
“Dude, we came here to see you,” she whined. “And we’re going home tomorrow night.”
“Yes, and again, you showed up uninvited,” Ryan said. “I love you with all my heart, but you don’t get to demand my time. I have plans.”
Gracie turned to me. “Do you mind if we—”
“No, sweetheart,” Hasan said, taking her arm. “We’re not going to do this. Dinner was enough. And if Ryan doesn’t hate the idea of a family trip, we can plan something together. Then you get to be demanding.”
She narrowed her eyes, but after a beat, she broke away from her fiancé and walked up, tugging me into a hug first and Ryan next. “You’re both pains in my ass. You deserve each other.”
Ryan laughed and squeezed her as Tollin came around and touched the center of my back.
“Can we talk for a moment? It won’t take long.”
I nodded. “Meet me at the room,” I said, leaning in toward Ryan. “It won’t be more than a few minutes.”
“So he gets to—” Gracie complained loudly, but I tuned her out as I followed Tollin away from the table and out the back door that led to the oceanfront seating. It was chilly, even near the equator, so no one was eating outside, but I liked the breeze on my face.
We moved to the little concrete bench that sat in a small half circle at the edge of the patio, and Tollin sat first, leaving me standing, staring out at the endless inky-black Caribbean.
After what felt like a short forever, Tollin said, “Is this going to be something? You and him?”
I looked over at him. “It’s not your business.”
“I know, but I sat back and bit my tongue with you and Raleigh for a long time. I thought I had no place because it was partly your job, and I regret that now. If I’d said something earlier, maybe that night—” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Sorry.”
With a sigh, I moved over and dropped down to the bench beside him. My nerves were still flaring up, so I didn’t quite feel the chill against my skin, but I could feel the heavy weight of the stone beneath me.
“Do you really feel guilty about my accident?”
He shrugged and swallowed. “I feel a lot of things. Pissed off that you got into a car without realizing it wasn’t your Uber.
” That was fair. I was pissed at myself about that.
“Still lingering terror that I almost lost you. Confusion because I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel happy that you’re walking or sad that you’ll never walk the same again. ”
I couldn’t give him an answer to that one. Sometimes it was one. Sometimes it was the other. Sometimes—most days, actually—it was both.
“I’m angry at myself for not realizing I was smothering you and annoyed with you for not telling me.”
“That’s on me.”
“I know,” he snapped, then stopped himself. “I’m happy that you’re not letting anything ruin you. Not the accident, not Raleigh being a total shit-stain. Not the music industry for being soul-sucking.”
I laughed. “Yeah. That sums it up.”
He met my gaze. “I’m terrified that you’re getting into a bad situation because the man who kept you from slipping away is hot and into you. I’m scared that he’s got some secret bad side and he’s going to break you worse than Raleigh did.”
“Raleigh didn’t break me, and it’s upsetting you think he did.
I made my choices, but I knew what I was doing.
I knew who he was. I made a bad decision the night of the accident because I’d been really lost, but I hadn’t realized how many people were on my side.
I was riding a high and…I don’t know. I didn’t think. ”
“I get it.”
“I’m not sure you do,” I told him. “But that’s okay.
” Passing a hand down my face, I let out a sigh.
“I don’t know Ryan as well as I probably should before getting so deep into my feelings, but he’s a good person.
I never thought that about Raleigh. He was never good to me, and deep down, I knew he wasn’t really worth saving.
So I understand why you’re afraid about Ryan. ”
Tollin bowed his head, nodding. “Gracie feels the same way about you, you know. She grilled me for hours today on whether or not she could trust you not to hurt her best friend. I don’t think she’s the kind of person who would go to blows for a bad guy.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“There isn’t one,” Tollin said. “I guess I needed to say all this so I felt a little less guilty about staying silent all these years. I think Ryan is worth the risk. And I know you want me to go. I know I shouldn’t be here, so I’ll be taking off as soon as I can.”
“I don’t want you to stay,” I said after a second, “but I’m glad you came.
All of you. I’m not sure how Ryan feels about all of us being, you know, family.
But I like the idea of it. I like the idea that next year, this could be something for all of us.
” Licking my lips, I took a fortifying breath.
“I think New Year’s Eve is always going to be hard for me.
I’m not sure if I want to remember or forget.
I didn’t think I’d be walking on the anniversary of my accident, so that’s something, but it doesn’t make the memories of the last year any easier to deal with. ”
“Yeah,” he breathed out.
“I didn’t think I’d ever find Ryan again either. I still don’t believe in fate, but I think I believe in him. In us.”
“So you want this to be something? Between you two?”
“If he’ll have me,” I answered.
Tollin laughed. “Are you joking?”
I stared at him. “No.”
“Atlas, fuck’s sake. That man is so fucking in love with you it’s ridiculous.”
“Please don’t—”
“I’m sorry, but no,” Tollin said, shaking his head. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’re feeling insecure. I just want to make sure that you two are sure about this. That you’re ready.”
“I want to be,” I told him. “For Ryan…I want to be ready for the rest of our lives.” It was strange to say the words aloud to my brother when I didn’t have the courage to say them to the man I was falling for.
“Just promise me you’ll give me a heads-up if you decide to go do something foolish. Like get married.”
I laughed and reached for him, pulling him into a hug. “I promise.”
“Good.”
We stood up, and he took a step back, giving me a slow up-and-down look. “You look like you needed this trip.”
“I did.” I felt less like myself, but that was also a good thing. The man I’d been before all of this wasn’t the person I wanted to be. “But I think I needed Ryan more than the trip.”
“I won’t argue with that.” He hugged me again, then took several steps back. “Next year…”
“Yes. It’ll be different next year.” I was going to go ahead and let myself hope.