Epilogue
RYAN
One Year Later
There was something profoundly lonely about watching the ocean by myself on the beach. The waves were lapping at the shore, a storm off in the distance promising to either be a spectacular lightning show or to ruin what little peace there was on the island.
A small part of me regretted being here instead of up where it was snowing. I did like when winter felt like winter, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would be. At least, not for this year. And probably not for next.
And not for any time that it was meant to feel like home and family.
There was still a small part of me that felt like I was being choked with regret. That I’d made decision after decision that led to misery and defeat.
But…
“Are you seriously still brooding out here?”
I turned to see Gracie standing there with her hand on her hip, her stomach protruding slightly beneath her gauzy bathing suit cover. Her hair was longer and wild in the wind, making her look like some kind of vengeful goddess.
Especially with the scowl on her face.
“Can you not judge me for five minutes?”
“No. Baby hormones say I have to judge you twenty-four seven.”
I rolled my eyes. “Like that’s any different from pre-pregnant Gracie.”
She softened a bit and laid her hand on her stomach. Her life was profoundly different too. They’d planned on waiting a long while before doing the baby thing, but when she came to me four months ago with a white stick that still had pee stains on the side, I knew she was happy about it.
It was the look on her face. And how much she loved Hasan and adored his family. And, of course, how excited she was to have one of her own. She’d come from a large family, and I knew what this meant for her.
It was not my journey. It never would be. But I was excited to be a fun uncle.
“Atlas has been watching you with his face pressed to the window like one of those old-school Sad Cat Diary videos.”
Glancing over, I could just make out Atlas’s face—slightly pale from being inside all winter. I could picture him in my head, his wide eyes looking like a kicked puppy, even though I’d just gotten done sucking him off in the shower.
He was pouting because we were sandwiched between family members, which meant we had to be quiet and had to deal with them trying to break in through the adjoining door all week. So far, we’d managed to keep the bolt tightly locked, but it didn’t stop them from trying.
Or Gracie from trying to pick the lock when she decided the baby was craving the Swedish gummy candy Atlas had brought along for our New Year’s Eve treat night.
I wasn’t trying to get away from him either.
I just wanted a moment to reconnect with myself.
It had been a long year—which was both good and bad.
Atlas was finally recording again, though we still had some peace since he hadn’t released any music yet.
But entertainment news sources had gotten wind of his new recording contract, which had triggered a cease and desist by his ex, claiming that he had the right to look over Atlas’s new music to make sure none of it violated their previous agreement.
It had been a long court battle, and it meant me setting eyes on Raleigh in person for the first time four months ago.
He’d rattled me with how good-looking he was.
And how smug. He looked through me like I didn’t exist and flirted with Atlas outside the courthouse as though he would be able to bat his eyes and get what he wanted.
It had been ugly, and I’d felt a little insecure for a while. It was something I’d kept to myself to try and spare Atlas, but then that led to me lashing out and several fights before I broke down and actually cried.
It was mortifying, but it was also freeing because he understood.
Things were better now, but sometimes I felt a bit lost. I felt a bit unworthy of being with a person who was so bright and intense. But again, that was on me.
Atlas had never, ever made me feel like I wasn’t his perfect fit.
“What are we doing for dinner?” Gracie said as I turned toward the suites. “Beach party thing?”
“I have no idea what your plans are.”
“Ryan,” she started to whine.
I turned and gave her a look. “I let you boss us around most of this trip, but not tonight. Tonight is for me and Atlas.”
“But—” She stopped and sighed. “Actually, yeah. I get it.” She took my hand and squeezed it. “Next year though—”
“No.”
“But there will be more babies.”
“Gracie,” I said, quiet but firm, “no. Every year, this night is for me and Atlas. Nothing is going to change that.”
“If you two have kids—”
“Literally, we’d have to switch into a new universe where two cis men can get pregnant together and where we have brain transplants to want them, because he and I are not having them any other way.”
“You might change your mind.”
I sighed. I loved her with all my heart, but sometimes it was frustrating how she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand how Atlas and I could be fine without all the things that made her life complete. She didn’t understand that we were fine. No, we were more than that.
We were perfect.
“I’m not saying that it’s, like, a need,” she said as we approached the patio doors. “I’m not that much of an asshole. I just think you two would make cute dads.”
“He would definitely make a cute dad, but we’re happy the way we are, and I don’t think he’d be cool with leaving a child when he has to go on tour. It’s bad enough when he thinks about leaving me behind.”
She bit her lip, then groaned as she nodded. “Fine, I get it. But you’re not going to disappear on me when he goes on the road, are you? I mean, not the whole time.”
“No.” I tugged her close and hugged her. “You and Hasan are my family. I’m not leaving you three behind.”
She laughed softly. “Thank you. And you are going to be an amazing uncle. That’s all I can really ask for.”
I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you too. And I know I’m a pain in the ass, but I am trying.”
“You’re good. Now, I’m going to go soothe my pouting boyfriend while you guys head up to the beach.
” Letting her go, I pulled open the sliding door, then flipped the lock after it snicked shut.
I yanked the curtains closed, then made my way into the bedroom, where Atlas was scrambling onto the bed, trying to look casual.
“Cute.”
He scowled, but it turned into a laugh as I took a running leap and landed on top of him. He lost all the air from his lungs, but he stole some of mine with a long, thorough kiss. When he pulled back, we were both a little breathless, and I knocked my forehead against his.
“Hi.”
He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, then his legs. His grip was tight, which was a mark of how relaxed he’d been over the last week. “Hello.”
“I love you.”
His eyes closed, and his lips softened into a grin. “I’m pretty sure you were on top of me like this the first time you said those three words.”
“Yeah, but we were more naked,” I reminded him.
He wasn’t wrong. It was the morning of our first New Year’s Day together, and I’d woken up, rolled on top of him, and felt ready to say it.
I rocked into him until I got hard enough to fuck him into oblivion, and when I’d spilled on his chest, I pressed my lips to his and whispered the words.
He took them down with a kiss, then gave them back on the most contented sigh. And we hadn’t gone another morning without saying them to each other from that moment on.
He laughed. “Yeah. Your dick was all come-covered and floppy.”
“You fucking loved it.”
His eyes opened. “I did. I love everything about you. Even a flaccid, slimy penis.”
“Oh my god, why do you have to say it that way?”
“It’s the title to my next song—”
I shut him up with a kiss. It was the only way to get him to stop. The worst part was, I’d seen his lyrics notebooks, and half the songs were ridiculous titles, like ‘Your Naked Ass In The Shower’ and ‘The Way You Fuck My Thighs.’
I wanted to believe those would change when they got to recording, but I didn’t trust him or his producers.
“Stop,” I whispered when I pulled back.
His eyes were gleaming. “Alright. For you.”
I kissed him again, then nuzzled his neck as I rolled onto his side.
I was mostly hard now and definitely wanted more, but it could wait a little while.
I didn’t mind when my need simmered for a while, then eventually grew into a blazing inferno of want so powerful, he bent me over the bathroom sink and fucked me breathless, forcing me to watch the pleasure on my face as he edged me to hell and back.
And I knew if I was good, he’d do that for me tonight.
I took his hand and lifted it to my lips, kissing his palm. “I think I love you more today than I did a year ago.”
“It was new then. And a little scary,” he admitted, dragging a touch across my cheek. “The feeling was so…big.”
It was. “Regrets?”
He snorted and rolled his eyes. “You know there are none.”
I bit my lip. “Gracie was bugging me about kids again. I told her we haven’t changed our minds. But if you ever do…”
Atlas rolled his eyes. “Sweetheart, no. We are on the same page, and she’ll get over it once she realizes what it’s like to have them. I mean, Tollin doesn’t regret it. He loves his little family and probably wants more, but it’s a lot. And it’s not for me. Unless you…”
“No. God no.” I knew where he was going with that, and I had plenty of gay friends who were married and did the surrogate thing or the adoption thing.
But that wasn’t how I’d ever pictured my life.
If I were going to free up my schedule to do anything, it would be following Atlas on tour, not changing shitty diapers. “I’m happy.”
He softened against me. “Yeah. Me too. And our nieces and nephews can take care of us when we’re all old and forgetful.”
“We can be the creepy retirement home weirdos who never have aides come in without knocking because we’ll always be fucking,” I told him.