Chapter 47 #2
I loved that she nested in my home. Sprinkled colorful little things all over the house the way she did at the apartment with Nancy.
Made it her own. I could feel her in every room but mine and it made me never want to go to bed.
She burned candles that smelled like cookies and organized the library in her room and put Mom’s paper quilling in the middle of the shelf.
Mom would have loved it, to be remembered, nestled in with all those books in the bedroom where she always stayed when she came to visit.
Larissa brightened my life. I was beginning to forget what it was like before she was here.
I didn’t want to remember.
“I would have put my gloves on your feet before I carried you to the car,” I said quietly.
Her eyes came back up to mine. “When? After the concert?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t believe he didn’t cover you up.”
Something sad slid across her expression. “You would have started being you, right from yes, wouldn’t you?”
I didn’t answer.
“Why did you stop talking to me?” she asked. “When you started dating Heather?”
I let out a slow breath. “Because it was too hard. Seeing you with him.”
“I was so jealous when I saw Heather in the car.”
I blinked at her. “You were?”
“Oh yeah. I hated her.”
“I thought you were carsick.”
“I think I was heartsick, actually.”
I smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. It was weird talking through this. The what-ifs. The truth. Having it just be out there in the open, on the table. Us both knowing it. Acknowledging it.
She stared silently at my hand like maybe she was thinking about threading her fingers through mine too.
She let go of me instead.
“How was Lexi?” I asked, changing the subject.
She shrugged. “Good. Still dating that guy. Working in Minneapolis. You know what she said?”
“What?”
“That I’m out of survival mode.”
I looked back at the billboard. “Are you?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“I think I am too.”
“You were in survival mode? Why?”
“Because I worried about you. I don’t have to do that anymore. I mean, I still worry about you,” I said, glancing at her. “It’s just different now. With you here.”
She studied me.
“You know what I realized today?” she said.
“What.”
“I’d go through any door with you.”
I turned to look at her. She gazed back at me, something earnest in her expression.
And then we just sat with it. Because what else could we do?
Half an hour later, Larissa and I were taking the last bags of books to the bookshelf in her room when someone knocked on the front door. Woofarine started barking.
“Expecting someone?” she asked, stopping.
“No.”
She turned and looked out the peephole. “Oh, it’s Jesse.” She set her bag down and opened the door. “Hi,” she said, smiling, stepping aside to let him in.
“Sup,” he said, stomping snow from his boots. “Fuck, it’s cold out there.”
“Hey,” I said, setting my bag down. “I didn’t know you were stopping by.”
He looked around the living room while he took off his coat, our dog leaping at his feet. “Yeah, well, you’re not really on the group chat so. Figured I should make sure you’re alive.” He looked at Larissa. “How you been? You good?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Just hustlin’.” He nodded in my direction. “Hey, mind if we have a few minutes?”
Larissa glanced at me. “Sure,” she said. She picked up my books and went to her room with Woofarine and shut the door.
Jesse hung his jacket and joined me on the sofa.
“So what you up to?” he asked, sitting.
“Not much. You want something to drink?”
“Nah. Thanks.” He scanned the living room. His eyes settled on Larissa’s sweater draped over the back of a chair. “You’ve been kind of MIA,” he said, looking at it. “Haven’t been going to the gym.”
“Don’t feel like it.”
He looked back at me. “Didn’t go to lunch with us the other day too.”
“Didn’t feel like that either,” I said.
It had been over a month since the cabin. I hadn’t seen anyone. And it wasn’t for lack of them trying.
Mike tried hardest of all.
Xavier called twice. I sent him to voicemail. I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about, but I had my guesses.
“So you’re just gonna ghost everyone, then, huh?” Jesse teased.
I didn’t answer.
He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “He’s not mad about it, you know. He knows why you hit him. He forgives you—”
“I don’t forgive him,” I said.
“He was messed up, man.”
“I’m just not ready to talk to him right now,” I said. “And you pushing me into it isn’t going to change that.”
“Don’t you even want to know if he’s okay?”
“Is he?” I asked.
He gave a one-shoulder shrug. “Define okay. He’s working for Tony. He fucking hates it, but he’s doing it. Moved out of Donna’s too. Got an apartment in New Hope. Got a therapist.”
I looked away from him. “Good.”
“He’s doing it for her, you know.”
I glanced back. “Doing what?”
“All of it. He wants her back. I think hoping for that is the only thing keeping him going. I think it’s the only reason why he’s not full twelfth-grade right now. Or worse.”
I nodded slowly. “You know that’s not going to happen, right?”
He puffed out his cheeks. “Yeah. I figured. But if hoping is what gets him through it, let him hope.”
We sat there in silence.
He leaned toward me. “How long is she going to be here?” he whispered.
I blinked at him. “As long as she wants to.”
“Look, dude, I get why you’re helping her,” he said, his voice low. “But it’s sort of inappropriate, no?”
“What’s inappropriate? We’re friends.”
“She’s living with you.”
I pressed my lips together. “And?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything,” he said quietly. “I know you’d never do that. But think of how this makes Mike feel. I mean, he didn’t say anything but you’re barely speaking to him and you’ve got his girl here—”
“She’s not his girl. And I’ll help her as long and as much as she needs.”
He studied me. The conversation wasn’t going the way I think he’d hoped it would. But I was not negotiating when it came to Larissa. Not anymore. I was going to do what was right for her—and I really didn’t care if it was right for Mike when it was Mike’s fault she needed help in the first place.
“You understand how she got here, yes?” I said. “You were there.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t she have her own friends she can stay with? There’s gotta be another option—”
“There isn’t,” I said.
He blew a breath through his nose. “Right. You know, I’m not the only one saying this. Tony thinks it’s weird. And Donna’s not very happy with you right now—”
“I couldn’t care less what Donna thinks.”
“Well, my mom thinks it too. It’s not cool, man. I’d be pissed as hell if Becca and I broke up and she was living here. You have to see that, right?”
“If you almost killed Becca, I wouldn’t give a shit about what you think then either.”
“Oh yeah? Because I’m getting the feeling Larissa and Becca are pretty fucking different when it comes to you.”
I bristled. “What exactly are you trying to say?”
“I think you know what I’m saying.”
He looked me dead in the eye.
“I guess you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, right?” He pushed up on his knees and walked to the door. “Just wanted to stop by and give you my thoughts. In case you still give a shit.”
“I am not the asshole here.”
He put his boots back on. “You sure?” He grabbed his jacket and let himself out.