Chapter 32 #2
“The idea of being suffocated by someone else’s desire horrifies me,” she admitted, hugging her middle.
“I deserve to feel... loved without being forced to feel all the dark parts of it.” The salt of her tears dipped into the corners of her lips, and she tasted it like acid upon her tongue.
“Love isn’t pure. It doesn’t come without its faults or its pains.
Even a mother’s love... it comes with fear, anxiety, exhaustion.
” Somehow, her tears grew heavier and stung even more, like the wounds of her heart and soul had always been present in her flesh.
“Behind the affection, I don’t want to feel someone else’s resentments, regrets, or worries. Only my own.”
As a child, she’d suffered long before her mother knew of her abilities.
Tiny and incapable of speaking, she screamed and cried in reaction to the heavy weight of her mother’s burdens.
And the more she refused to settle, being bounced and petted soothingly, her mother’s frustration only ensured it continued.
She hadn’t been able to soothe Carwyn when she was the source of her distress.
Carwyn was aware her mother hadn’t meant to push any of that onto her.
None of it was done maliciously, and her mother hadn’t even known until she’d realised Carwyn was an empath.
Her feelings had been natural, motherly – both loving and anxious.
Carwyn would never blame her mother for it, and had forgiven her the numerous times she’d apologised – especially as she’d always tried to be accommodating of Carwyn’s physical boundaries.
But it’d still scarred her mind.
“I want to hold someone’s hand and only feel their warmth and touch. Even if their heart is filled with adoration, I don’t want their feelings to control my own and make me question if what I’m feeling is true or just theirs swimming in my veins.”
Even emptiness is hollow. Cold-heartedness burns like ice.
Valerie had shown her what that felt like.
Yet the more she knew the person, the more she touched them and experienced their emotions, the easier it was for her to decipher them as if they were words.
She could untangle their sadness and find its roots, like if it was from the grief of death or due to walking away from someone they dearly loved.
“Let me prove you wrong, Carwyn.”
But trying meant trusting him with her heart, and she didn’t know if she had the strength for that. If he hurts me... Not in the way he had, but deep from within, from inner truths that would riddle her mind like scars forever.
Emotions that would be out of context. And his were so big they were scary. They were animalistic, barbaric, beastly.
They had fangs.
Because even his tenderness when he had stroked her cheek had boiled with emotions she didn’t know how to decipher. Maybe obsession? Possessiveness? They’d been dark.
They could easily swallow her up in their hunger, and she worried about what would be left of her once they were done feasting and spat her back out.
What if it’s too much? What if her heart gave out under the pressure?
She could die as easily as a human. She didn’t have the strength he did to contain or control the overwhelm.
Worse, what if she loved experiencing the extreme emotions so much that she grew addicted to the way they tore down to her bones and injected themselves into her soul?
Maybe if he hadn’t been a dragon... Something so mighty and powerful, she could have accepted it easier. But then... I wouldn’t have everything else.
He was right. His paw was comforting to hold, and he was able to embrace her in this form without overwhelming her. She could lay her head on his bare chest and listen to his heart beating without fear, experiencing only the moment as she fell asleep peacefully.
But I want to be kissed without choking.
Her breaths came out shallower and shallower with every second her mind spiralled. When she stepped back, her vision wobbling with dizziness, her body met the wall and she leaned into it for support.
What if I let him and he changes his mind later?
Worse. What if sex between them was when he figured out he was wrong? Bile rose in her throat at the idea of being below him as he came to such a realisation.
“Let me try,” Kier stated, causing her to lift her stark and panicked gaze to him.
She found him even more daunting than before in the darkness; the moonlight now illuminated half of his body in cold light that allowed her to see all the parts of him that were monstrous in comparison to her. “I’m asking you to trust me.”
Her nails scraped against the wall. But I don’t. I don’t trust anyone.
Not her mother, who couldn’t love without anxieties. Not her sisters, who couldn’t hold back long enough to give her a proper hug – even when they promised. Not the men in the past who betrayed her with their empty hearts once they were done with her, or revealed their regrets and guilt.
At her silence, her pitiful state as she nearly hyperventilated against the rock cliff, he narrowed his eyes and growled at her.
“Female, I want to bond with you! If my feelings were so wavering, I would not be here. I’ve known the entire time that you have wanted to leave my side. I hoped it was because you didn’t understand the depth of my desires.”
Her next rapid breath hitched at his declaration, helping to settle and slow the next pant that came.
“What if you change your mind?” she whispered.
“I won’t,” he stated so definitively, it almost sounded like a... vow. “And you’ll know it the moment I’m between your thighs and you feel it.”
Her eyes widened at that, and her pulse tripped. Her nails dug harder into the rock, as terror and arousal clambered through her veins.
She wanted to.
I want to be with him. She knew it even when she’d left with Selene.
But I... I cannot do this.
He’d already broken promises.
“I want to be in control, Kier,” she whispered. “I want to live without suffering.”
The arrogant dragon rolled his eyes. “Fine. Then I will come with you.”
Her lips parted. She thought he’d leave once she rejected him again! That this would be the end.
“If this is a requirement to you, then so be it. It doesn’t matter to me if you can or cannot feel my emotions. If this is what will make you content, then I will make sure you are safe during this journey.”
He plopped himself on the ground with a dissatisfied harrumph and gave her his back when he lay on his side. His tail tapped against the ground as he placed the side of his jaw in his paw.
She regarded him shrewdly. “No. You just want to convince me otherwise.”
“True. I won’t lie and say I don’t have an ulterior motive, so we can cease with this foolishness.”
She opened her mouth to argue with him, but only a wheeze of air came out. Truly?
Why did that... elate her so much?
He was trying so hard to prove himself and – curses! – Carwyn was weak to that. He wanted to protect her during something he obviously disagreed with.
“And if I fail and the gods wish to punish us for your slight, then so be it. I won’t care so long as I have you.”
Does... does he really care about me to this degree? Was he actually as unwavering as he claimed? If I touch him, I’d know. Well, not through his scales, but... what he said earlier came rounding back to make her belly quiver. “And you’ll know it the moment I’m between your thighs and you feel it.”
If her heart didn’t give out, what if it was so euphoric that Carwyn craved such a level of intimacy only she could achieve?
I’ve never considered that before.
He said he wants to bond with me, but not that he loves me. Or were they the same thing? He had the perfect opportunity to say it and he didn’t. Do dragons bond without love? And why her, when he’d always pictured his own kind?
There were so many unknowns and variables that it just didn’t make sense to her.
She hated the warring within her once more. The yes and no. The fear and curiosity. The wants and needs that had, for so long, been the same and now were pulling her in two different directions.
I also have another secret. One that may make all this... pointless. But if I get rid of my abilities, maybe it won’t matter anymore.
It’s why she knew no matter what he did... it would change nothing. She needed him to understand how much of a losing battle it was.
Her voice was solemn and soft as she murmured, “I told myself that if this journey didn’t have the answer... I would lock my witchcraft away behind a hex.”
His head pulled away from his palm. “If you do that, anything between us is impossible.” He peeked at her over his shoulder, and his singular ruby eye looked panicked. “I’m not like Faerydae the Destroyer. I won’t watch my mate wither and die years before me like a human.”
She looked off to the side. “I know.”