15. Eveera
Eveera
I’ve no idea how I am meant to sleep here.
The ceiling and I are becoming really acquainted at this point. It started getting awkward after a while of me staring up at it, so I introduced myself. It didn’t give me much back but it’s served as a decent distraction from my headache. I thought I’d be fine here. I thought that my purpose would supersede these asinine fears I have.
I thought, I thought, I thought.
All this thinking hasn’t droned out the pounding or the panic rising in my chest of being in a room meant for them . In a bed they’ve potentially peacefully slept in. The scars on my back have become itchier the more I lay here and without a thought my hand reaches haphazardly for my belt my eyes staying trained on the ceiling. Finally my fingers find a small blade. I run my thumb along the edge of it to see if it’s dulled. Thank the gods, I think when I lift up the blade to inspect it. Sharp . My fist closes around the handle and I swing my legs around to rest on the edge of the bed. I take one more look up at the ceiling, “you’re a shit talker, but a good listener.” I whisper. My eyes drop back down to the blade in my palm and a few thoughts cross my mind.
Vada would chastise me, Ezra would ignore it, and Axel would hold me. No one is here for that now .
I suck in a deep breath and dig the tip into my exposed thigh, dragging it across an already scarred patch of skin. Blood beads up at the cut as I exhale, “one.” Again. “Two.” It burns this time but I don’t let that stop me. Another breath, another drag, “three.” The tension in my chest starts to break up as my body hones in on the pain.
“Four.” I hiss - my left hand curls around the bed sheets with the sting of that one. One more , I think. “Five.” Dropping my head back I let the knife clatter to the floor. My vision dots with stars that flick and bounce all around and warmth spreads through my body. In my last moments of consciousness I re-position myself back to lying down and wait for the pain to black me out into the most devastating sleep.
-
“Mommy please. No mommy. MOM! NO! No no no no no.” I want to get up. I want to put her back together. “Mama!” I wail out. But her face is lifeless. Her gold eyes glassed over and the brightness usually held within them is nothing but tarnished and dim now. I’m crawling across the floor to where her blood has pooled. “Mama please. Mommy come on, don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead.” How could she not? Her entire body has been ripped apart in a sick display.
I reach for her hands and her fingers are so cold…
“Eveera?”There’s someone else…someone shouting. A man. “Eveera?!”
The voice tugs on my arm. “No. No, don’t take her away, don’t take her away.” I beg the voice.
-
Hushed whispers come flooding in, “Eveera…it’s just a dream. Shh, it’s just a dream.” The voice is no longer in my head but my ears.
“It wasn’t just a dream.” I whisper my voice sounding garbled outside of my body. My eyes snap open, finally registering that I'm being rocked back and forth. Blinking the sleep away I notice two tanned arms holding me. Definitely not Ezra . I'm hot all over, sweat plastering the hair framing my face to my skin.
Rorin clears his throat, stiffening before letting go of me and scooting to the other side of the bed, “the uh- the flesh on my arm suddenly felt like it was melting off my body which was a…startling way to wake up and so I came in here…and you looked like you were having a fit. Flailing and—”
My cheeks heat. “I wasn’t flailing.”
“You were flailing and kicking. I didn’t want you to hurt yourself, but—” His stare drops down to the obvious bloodstain on his sheets, “looks like you already did. Why are you bleeding?” I reach for the edge of the sheet, throwing it off my body quickly so I can stand. But unfortunately for me my diced up leg doesn't cooperate with the motion and my knee immediately buckles. I stumble forward and his hand snatches my wrist angling my body towards him in the process.
Hazel eyes zeroing onto the bloodied mess overlapping faded silver scars. “Did you – did you do that to yourself?” He asks, his voice flabbergasted.
I don't have to answer to you, I think and point to the door, “out.”
“Eveera, did you do that to yourself?” He asks again, harsher this time the tone of his voice dropping an octave.
I shrug. “Fell on my weapons. Now get out.”
He moves me out of his way and slips off the bed. It's as he crouches down that I notice he's shirtless. His muscled chest, dripping in sweat that I can't tell if it's mine or his reaction from the rune's effects. He grips my ankle and forces my leg up. “You fell,” he says dryly putting his face closer to the flayed skin. If his voice didn't already give away that he doesn’t believe me for a second, his eyes do as they look up at me through thick dark lashes. “Falling made these precise slits in your thigh? What did you do? Line up all your blades face up next to your bed? And because if that doesn't sound stupid enough, you mean to convince me that you just what – rolled off? Tripped maybe and landed on top of them?” He's angry. An emotion that isn’t his to have, so I point at the door again, clearly indicating what I want him to do.
“You didn’t answer my question.” He growls.
It’s because of your people that I do this. Because of those memories. Because of you. The words rest on my tongue. I don’t want his anger, I don’t want his pity, sadness. "I don't have to." He doesn't move. If anything his grip tightens on my ankle. “We are not friends, princeling.” I snarl, leaning down.
He huffs out a laugh with no mirth in it. “No, we aren’t. But I cannot have my… leverage… mutilating herself.” And there it is, my conscience whispers. He's not angry because he cares, he's angry because he think's he'll lose what he bought. “Maybe I’ll just go tell Axel or Blondie what their queen has been up to. See if they can get a better explanation than ‘ I fell on my weapons.’ out of you . ”
My lips flatten together. “You won’t.”
He drops my ankle like a hot coal, “they know?” his spits, the words pure venom. Rorin stands abruptly, finally listening and storming out of the room. I feel relieved for a moment until I hear the door to the hall open.
I limp after him as fast as I can, furious the nightmare came anyways and that he felt it. “Rorin.” I shout but he ignores me, continuing to stomp down the hall. I finally catch up to him, colliding into his back as he stops short. “EVERYBODY UP!” Dear gods, hear we go.
“Rorin!” I hiss. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I am met with silence once again, his hand coming behind him and clamping over my mouth and nose. “Having a discussion with your guards.” Wield is leaking out of his free hand. The mist floods onto the floor and under the doors of our men. His hand covering my mouth shakes as he tries to keep control on the mist.
“Why the hell do you care?!” My words are a muffled mess behind his calloused palm, while my nails tear down his forearm trying to remove it from my face. But with preternatural strength he keeps it secure against me. I try to summon my own Wield, hoping to break his concentration, but it’s mine that breaks with the sound of men coughing and heaving. Doors slam open as they all spill out into the hall with us. He doesn’t pull the Wield back until every one of them is doubled over – Mousy and Bennett included. He lets go of my face but only to move his grip to my chin.
He stares coldly into my eyes. “I don’t care.” He says, “but they—” his left hand points at each of my men, “should.”
"What in the fucking bleeding gods was that about, asshole?!” Axel shouts, the first one to regain his breath.
A sardonic smile spreads across Rorin’s face as he continues to stare down at me. “Asshole, sure. But you five have got to be the dirtiest fucking scum to allow this to happen.” All of them bristle at the insult, the two brothers with defensive Wields, flare theirs. “Someone better have a damn good explanation for this .” The grip on my chin vanishes only to return around my upper arm. It’s a power move as he drags me from behind him so they can all look at my bloodied thigh. Axel' s face frowns and Maxwell and Orem won’t even look at me, their gazes turning down.
“Rorin.” I say a third time, this one a warning.
He shakes his head turning to look at the men. “You have one job. Protect her. And by the looks of the scars resting underneath the fresh ones, you've failed.”
Mousy takes a step towards the prince, “Ror, maybe this is none of our business. There is no need to concern yourself with another one of her unsavory behaviors.” Axel opens his mouth, and by the look on his face I know exactly what he is going to say.
It’s too soon! The voice in my head screams. “ Axel, mind your place.” I snarl.
“ No ." He growls at me, sticking a finger out at the prince. "Don’t tell me I’m shitty at protecting her, you self important dick. You want a damn answer for that? Look no further than mommy and daddy . ” He takes a step forward, Armond and Max lunging out to grab hold of him.
“Axel, enough.” Armond warns. Axel's head whips back and forth between our men and myself. “He honestly wants us to believe he has no idea what his own kingdom did? What his parents had a hand in?”
I rip my arm out of Rorin’s loosened grip. “That's it! Reminder for you all that I am a fucking queen. I don't answer to any of you.” A door slams closed and I notice Ezra has stormed off. I follow suit, turning my back on the rest of them and limp my way to any exit back to my room.
Rorin came back after some time slamming closed every open door in his wake, I could feel his frustration through the seal. I sink against the stained glass window trying to block out Rorin's emotions. By the looks of it outside, there are a few hours left until dawn breaks. I make myself comfortable on the cushions of the window seat knowing that sleep won't come for me again. On nights when it got really bad, Vada would coerce me into riding on her back as aftercare for how I handled things. What I wouldn’t give to be on Vada’s back right now, gliding alongside the stars.
The princeling’s velvety voice trickles into my mind. “You’re still awake.” Apparently, I wasn't very good at blocking him out.
"You’re slamming and general asshole behavior kept me up.” I tell him.
“ I’m not apologizing for it. ” His voice meets my ears instead of the walls of my mind and when I turn there he stands in the shadowed doorway. Those two hazel eyes are glued to my bloodstained leg as he walks my way and takes a seat on the floor. “She’s the reason, right? Your mother? What I saw…”
"You already know that answer.” I whisper into his mind, hoping maybe he won’t really hear it. But when he shifts uncomfortably on the ground, I know he heard. Rough fingertips reach back and graze the fresh cuts lightly. “Do not pity me.” I bite out.
The touch is gone as soon as its there and his hand back in his lap as he stares blankly ahead. “I don’t." I bite my lip to keep it from quivering. I am not about to show any other kinds of emotion in front of him again. "You should get a healer mage for that.” He suggests and all I can do is shake. He can’t see me, but he gives me a quiet grunt of understanding anyways. “Then let me at least bandage it up.” He gets up and walks into the bathroom returning with a kit in his hands. I squint my eyes at him, unsure of the idea until he angles his head at me with a plea in his gaze. My face tilts back to the window and he starts dabbing at the cuts I've made. Thankfully, the healing balm he's applying numbs the area fairly quickly and he finishes by setting a patch bandage on top of the cuts .
“You never got back to me or your captains on what you want to do. I’m guessing my going rogue again is out of the question?” He dusts off his hands and packs the kit back up. After putting the kit back in the bathroom he snags two blankets and a pillow off the bed. Handing me one blanket he keeps the other and the pillow for himself and stretches out on the floor underneath the sill.
“We’ll discuss it in the morning.” He finally says.
“It is morning — wh-what are you doing?” I ask.
He folds his arms behind his head and snuggles deeper into his spot. “Keeping an eye on my leverage.” He says matter of factly. Irritation flares in my chest at the reminder that I am on loan to him right now, a tool to be used.
If only he knew the only reason he has access to me is because I need access to Vellar. Then we’ll see who’s being used.