Chapter 1
CRISSA
“Just think…” I blew a mouthful of cigarette smoke into the air.
“Only a couple more weeks of this shit and then I’m out of here.
” I exhaled as I leaned against the back door of Big Top Pizzeria and looked out into the grimy alley.
It was a less than thrilling way to spend my break.
Smoking and staring out into the alley of a mall wasn’t exactly glamorous.
The dumpster was always overflowing, there was a heavy smell of wet trash that always stuck around, and I was pretty sure I saw one of the guys from the gaming store buying a bag of weed from a chick who works the register at the ice cream place.
My lips wrapped around the butt of the cigarette, the smoke filling my lungs while I sat there and picked at the hem of my ridiculous work uniform. The smell of cheese was forever embedded in the threads of the costume lingering in my nostrils and making me sick to my stomach.
At least he’s able to fuck off and let loose. Must be nice…I can’t remember the last time I felt so carefree.
My head fell back against the metal door and I brushed the faded green fringe from my eyes.
That’s a lie…I do remember. It was last summer.
My mind drifted as memories of those now distant happy times flooded my thoughts.
But those don’t exist anymore. They’re nothing more than breathless memories painted across my soul, constantly reminding me of what I once had and can never get back. Just painful ghosts that forever haunt me and remind me of what I lost.
I ashed my cigarette and watched as one of my rat friends skittered around my feet between the alley and the back door.
Seeing the little vermin helped brush the harrowing thoughts away.
“Hey there, little guy.” I bent down to gently stroke the rat’s furry head with the tip of my fingers as it devoured the pizza crust crumbs I had scattered along the ground.
It wasted no time consuming the little morsels.
“Damn. You must’ve been starving, huh?” My spine slid down the backdoor of the pizzeria and I crouched and watched the rat eat.
It looked up at me with those dark eyes and squeaked as if communicating with me.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t forget the rest. I’ll make sure to leave some more before I clock out tonight, okay?
” I stroked his little head again. “Friends don’t let friends starve. ”
The rat brushed against the inside of my palm, thanking me for the treat. It made me smile, knowing I had someone—well, something—to talk to. Even if it was a rat.
If only I could make you into a friend. A real friend.
A sudden knock against the back door above my head made me jump.
I clutched the little rat close to my chest as the sound ripped me back to reality.
“Crissa! Let’s go. We need you back inside.
” I looked over my shoulder at my boss, Tawny, behind me.
She looked rough, with bags sagging under her heavy blue eyes which were slightly sunken into her wrinkled face thanks to too much time in a tanning bed.
She was nearing fifty, and thanks to a recent divorce, she was stuck here working away what little youth she had left to make ends meet. Much like the rest of us.
Her gaze fell to my clasped hand and her penciled eyebrow raised.
“Well? You just gonna sit there or get off your ass and do your job?” She pulled a worn pack of cigarettes from her pocket and lit one up, sighing as if the overbearing weight of the world hung along her bony shoulders.
“We got a few parties in and you just got sat a five top.” She pointed to me with the cigarette clutched between her slender fingers and manicured nails.
I rolled my eyes and groaned before rising to my feet.
“Of–fucking–course,” I mumbled under my breath.
I was annoyed…not at Tawny, but at the situation.
Despite her worn-out appearance and exhausted attitude, Tawny really was a decent boss.
She had a sweet face and usually presented herself with the same hairstyle and makeup as she did back when she was younger, clinging to her glory days as a has-been beauty queen.
Even in her older age and current state, everything about her was like a ray of sunshine.
You just had to accept her not-so-pretty attitude first. Some of my coworkers here at Big Top found her annoying, but I found her refreshing because she took shit from no one.
“Thanks Tawny.” I looked down at the rat in my hands. “I’ll head in here in a minute.”
She leaned against the paint-chipped building and sighed. “Now, kid.” Her eyes noticed my hesitant gaze. “Just stuff whatever that is in your pocket and get your ass inside.”
A light sweat broke out under my fringe and along my forehead.
“O–okay.” I put out my cigarette and tossed it in the overflowing dumpster.
Tawny eyed me closely as I made my way back inside, still holding my hand close to my chest. I waited until the back door shut before raising my hand to my face.
“I’m so sorry!” I apologized to the rat.
“Are you okay?” It chittered lightly but seemed fine.
“Thank goodness.” I exhaled. “I have to get back to work, so stay hidden.” The rat looked back towards the shut door and made a few noises.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to crack it before I leave.
” I bent down, admiring how cute the critter was, as it hopped from my palm onto the checkered tile flooring of the storage room.
I never understood why people disliked rats so much.
They could be the kindest little critters and were such great listeners. Unlike humans.
“Just stay out of sight, okay?” The rat squeaked before scuttling out of view, and I snatched my ridiculous polka dot hat from the counter, placing it on top of my head.
Ugh. Back to work.
I took a deep breath before heading back through the bustling kitchen and out onto the main floor.
Bip Top was rather large for a pizzeria and completely drenched in all things related to clowns.
The floor was covered in the typical neon and black celebration carpet that nearly glowed under the colored lights throughout the dining area.
The smell of popcorn and oversweetened treats mixed with the everlasting smell of moldy cheese and sweat seemed to be soaked into every surface of the pizzeria.
Stuffed clowns, clown cutouts, and even small clown puppets and dolls oversaturated the space, completed with a rainbow of balloons and circus music that played overhead as the servers rushed around in the frilly costumes we were required to wear.
If that wasn’t humiliating enough, we also had to paint our faces to match and hide the way our expressions remained underwhelmed and displeased at our job.
Come on, Crissa, your shift is nearly over. Just suck it up and push through. Remember why you’re even here.
I shook my emotions away and forced a smile, stepping behind the counter.
Tawny wasn’t kidding when she said we had gotten a few parties in.
The pizzeria was crowded with them, and they definitely weren’t small parties either.
Kids ran around the dining room, shouting and giggling as their parents simply ignored them.
I watched as other servers struggled to wrangle their parties, worn out from how sugared up the kids were.
Hell, I was lucky I only got sat a five top. Big Top was packed!
There must’ve been a rush that came in from the mall.
I looked around and noticed a few additional large groups waiting to be seated.
They must’ve come in while I was out back.
No wonder Tawny was so frazzled. “Get a move on, kid.” Her voice snapped from behind me.
“Your party’s seated and waiting for you to take their order.
I gotta find someone to deal with the poor clown mascot out front by the mall entrance.
Damn kids…it took a beating.” I looked at Tawny who just sighed and shook her head while holding a pepperoni pizza.
“Mind dropping this off for me? Over there.” She motioned her head towards a table which sat a couple in the middle of the restaurant.
“It’s the couple’s anniversary and I guess this was the most romantic place they could think of celebrating.
” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t forget the sparkler this time. ”
“I got it.” I took the pizza from her and held it high, bobbing and weaving through the chaotic flood of children who ran by towards the ball pit in the corner of the pizzeria. “Fucking kids,” I muttered under my breath.
Alright now remember, just smile and pretend you don’t hate your fucking life right now. Put on a show and it’ll be over before you know it.
I approached the couple at their table and smiled a little too big.
“Lady and gentleman, I bring you one piping hot pepperoni pizza!” The couple grinned and oohed over my forced enthusiasm.
“Of course it wouldn’t be a Big Top pizza without…
” I popped a couple red clown noses from my pocket, handing them to the couple before I retrieved a small sparkler and placed it in the center of the pizza, lighting it with my lighter.
It shot to life instantly, just like their faces, the two now wearing the red noses.
“Some pizzazz! Happy anniversary!” The couple cheered as I clapped my hands and waited for the sparkler to die out before plucking it from the pizza.
“Please enjoy and let me or any of the other clowns here know if you need anything else.” The couple thanked me, and as soon as I turned away, my smile fell.
God, I really fucking hate this job.
As I walked past and towards my section, my eyes landed on my five-top. It was a round, red vinyl-lined booth in the corner under a black light and away from most of the parties. Usually it was my favorite table to wait on, but today it was the one table I wished I didn’t have.