77. Megan
Chapter 77
Megan
Hattie pulls me into her arms the second I open the door.
“Thought we should knock in case we walked in on something.”
I soften into her, and Kara wraps herself around the two of us, her round bump pressing into my side.
“She’s not going to send an SOS text if she’s ‘in the middle of something’ , is she?”
Hattie pulls back, cupping my face and forcing me to look at her. Her thumb brushes a tear away, but my cheeks are already soaked. “Did he hurt you?”
Ollie would never hurt me, of that I’m sure, which only worsens the pain I’m in.
“I hurt myself,” I wail.
Kara guides me to the living room, one hand on my shoulder, the other at the small of my back. “Oh, my love. Come on, let’s sit down and you can tell us what’s going on.”
While Kara and I get comfortable on the sofa, Hattie makes tea in the kitchen. I don’t even know where to begin, but for now Kara lets me weep in her arms.
Hattie sets three mugs down on the coffee table and sits cross-legged on the floor in front of us. It reminds me of all the nights we spent consoling Kara after her big break-up, except now it’s my turn in the crying seat.
I let the shaky sobs subside. “So obviously we’ve been together.”
“Obviously,” they say at the same time.
Hattie laughs awkwardly. “And we definitely want the juicy details, you sexy sneak, but you can tell us as much or as little as you like.”
“It’s been—” I take a deep breath as the tears swell again. “It’s been wonderful. These past few months have been so nice with him here and I’ve— Oh, God—”
“It’s OK, babe,” Kara says, rubbing my back. “Take your time.”
“I knew this would happen. I told you this would happen! I can’t do no strings, it was never going to be just a fling with him.”
For the first time in a long time, I don’t try to fight it. The tears come, and I let them flood out of me, my body shaking in Kara’s arms as they grant me the space to feel it all. Here with my best friends, I know they won’t judge me, but even when I’ve been crying alone, I’ve been judging myself.
What was I thinking, letting myself fall for him like this? Somehow, this has been the best and worst year of my life. The best because I met him, the worst because now I have to watch him go.
When the crying slows to fat, gulping sobs, Hattie passes me a box of tissues from the coffee table. It takes several to empty all the snot out of my head, and they wait patiently until I’m ready to talk.
“He asked me to go with him, and I told him I can’t, but he’s still leaving. And that’s fine. It’s not like I thought he would stay here for me, but it still hurts so much. It hurts so much more than when Max dumped me.”
“Well, that much is clear,” Kara says. “You didn’t even tell us when it ended with Max.”
“What’s this?” Hattie asks, and through bleary eyes I watch her pick up the jar on the coffee table and turn it over in her hands. It’s half full now, scraps of paper folded neatly.
I added a few after our trip to the coast. Even though it ended badly, there was so much I wanted to remember about our time there. The crash of the waves, watching him cook for us, the kiss in the photo booth.
“It’s my happy things jar,” I tell her, and she wrenches the lid off, and tips the notes out into her lap. “No! I’m supposed to open it on New Year’s Eve and remember all the positive things that happened this year.”
She rifles through them, unfolding a few.
“Did you write these?”
I nod as she picks up another slip of paper, reads it, and gasps. “You wrote ‘Megan made me come so hard I saw stars’ ?”
I sit up, snatching it out of her hand. “What?”
“ ‘Megan fell asleep on my shoulder .’ This isn’t your handwriting, babe. Sounds like Ollie’s had a few happy days of his own,” she says, throwing me a wink.
I grab a few more and unfold them in a hurry.
Megan yelled at my parents, and it was fucking awesome.
Played guitar for Megan.
Megan called me ‘weirdly hot’.
It takes me a second to remember that one. The awful day he took me to IKEA, drove me to the junkyard in the middle of nowhere, and shoved an axe into my hands. Everything was so new and confusing then. We were barely friends, but that night he gave me something I’ve always struggled to give myself; freedom.
Ollie has always accepted me without judgement. That cold February night spent smashing up old cars was the most free I’ve felt in years. Until our trip to the coast.
“Oh my gosh,” I whine, more tears coming. “He’s been writing these for months.”
“I don’t understand why you can’t go with him?” Kara says.
“I have a job.”
“Yes, a job with an entire summer off,” she reminds me. “You don’t have to go forever.”
“He’s so much younger than me.”
Hattie prods me in the thigh. “Get over yourself, literally nobody gives a fuck about how old anyone is.”
“That’s what he says,” I reply through a wobbly smile. “I can’t just leave the flat.”
“Oh my god, you are being such a dickhead right now. Do you know that?”
Only once I’ve said it out loud do I hear how pathetic that sounds. The wall of excuses I’ve built is crumbling fast. I shift my focus onto Kara instead.
“You’re about to have a baby. I need to be here for that.”
“Oh, Megs, come here, you beautiful fool.” She scoots closer, wiping my tear soaked cheeks with her sleeve. “Obviously, I want you around for when the baby is born, but more than that, I want you to be happy.”
I crumple in her arms and let her hold me tight.
“You, get up here,” she tells Hattie, who hops up to sit behind me. Kara reaches her arms around the two of us.
“Both of you gave up so much of your lives when you supported me after Adam left. And when I met Luke and was too scared to get into another relationship, you gave me the push I needed. I don’t know if I’d have been brave enough to take the leap without you, so if you’re scared now, then I’ll be your push. And if you want to draw a line under this Ollie thing, we'll be here every day until you feel better, but no way am I letting you use this baby as an excuse to stay back and miss out on what could be the adventure of a lifetime.”
I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat. “You don’t need me?”
“That’s not what I said. We will always need you, but we need you in a ‘we know deep in our hearts we’ve got each other’s backs’ way, not in the literal sense that you can’t go away if you want to. We’ll still be here when you get back, and we’ll cheer you on the whole time.”
“Anyway, there’ll be no room for you to help out,” Hattie says, her cheek resting between my shoulder blades. “Rob’s talking about moving in with them for a month to be their live-in nanny.”
“Are you serious?” I half laugh, half sniff.
“Yeah, you’d think he’s retraining to specialise in paediatrics with the amount of baby books he’s reading. I can’t wait to have the bed to myself, but if he even thinks about trying to get me pregnant, I’ll go on sex-strike.”
“Please, Megan,” Kara says. “Don’t put your life on hold. I know you’ll be here for this baby in all of the ways that matter. Not just for the birth and the big milestones. You’ll be the one teaching her how to read and how to decode Taylor Swift lyrics. Hattie will teach her how to throw a punch and not put up with shit from anyone. The two of you are going to be the best godmothers ever.”
It takes a second for her words to sink in, then Hattie and I both gasp. Kara slams her palm over her mouth.
“I wasn’t supposed to ask you yet, but it was probably obvious. You two mean everything to me. You’re the best friends a girl could ask for.”
“I’m sorry we’ve been shit friends this year,” Hattie says. “I honestly thought we’d still hang out loads after I moved out, I don't know how it’s summer already.”
I pat her arm gently. “Good sex is worth ditching your friends for.”
“Less of the ‘good’ thank you very much. I’m a great fuck,” Hattie says, and the three of us giggle and hold each other tighter. This is what I’ve missed most, just being together and not being so serious about everything all the time. It’s what I miss about him, too.
“Is it good with Ollie?” Kara says. “The sex. Are we allowed to ask?”
I throw my head back and groan loudly. “It’s so unbelievably good. You were right about the stamina and no refractory period, and his penis is absolutely enormous but he really knows what to do with it, and sometimes he just wants to go down on me for what feels like hours, and I’m having so many orgasms I can’t keep count, and I’m going to miss the sex so, so much.”
Hattie and Kara stare at me with open mouths and, damn, that felt good to confess.
“Well,” Hattie coughs. “I am thrilled for you and your vagina, but it’s more than that, isn’t it? Yes, he’s fucking hot, but he’s also a really great guy. He’s got your back, he’s really kind, and his music is amazing. Did he tell you he sold out tickets for Moonshine tonight?”
There’s a little flicker of hope in my heart. If he’s at Moonshine, then he hasn’t left yet.
“I didn’t know that. I thought he’d gone.”
“So come on, love, do you want to be with him?” Hattie asks, cupping my face and looking me dead in the eye. “Be honest.”
I practically howl my answer. “More than anything.”
“Then you’re going with him. 'Good sex is worth ditching your friends for' , you said. Take your own advice. And if you say no, I’m gonna kick your gorgeous fucking arse.”
“What do you think, little baby?” Kara says, lifting her t-shirt and pressing my hand to the side of her belly. “Shall we go get Megan her man?”
She’s thirty-two weeks pregnant now, and beneath the taut skin of her stomach I feel an unmistakable kick. My breath catches in my throat, more tears coming when she kicks me again. I wipe my eyes and bend down to press a kiss to that same spot.
“Thank you,” I whisper, knowing I’ll do anything for this kid once she’s here.
On our way out, I catch my reflection in the hallway mirror, and it’s not a pretty sight. My hair is half up-half down, my eye make-up smudged, and the hoodie I’m wearing over my summer dress is long overdue for a wash.
“I can’t go like this.”
“He will not care, Megan,” Hattie yells. “You look amazing. You always do. Come on, there isn’t a moment to waste.”
We take the stairs at the fastest pace available to a woman in her third trimester, but I don’t care, because I’ve got my girls, and everything is falling into place.