Chapter 37
Sam
“I THINK YOU should download a dating app,” Kari declares a week later, emphasizing her point with a loud crunch on a chip loaded with guac.
I make a face, deeply regretting my decision to join the ladies for a Sunday get-together at the original place I ran into Kari and Elodie a year ago.
“No way,” Elodie says. “Have you been on those things?”
“Obviously,” Kari answers. “Go on there, find a guy who wants some no-strings-attached sex, bang him, and move on. Because whatever this is –” she gestures in my general direction – “I’m over it.”
My jaw drops. “I can’t just flip a switch, Kari.”
“It’s been almost a month,” she retorts. “You have to move on.”
“She doesn’t have to do anything,” Allyson says, finally coming to my defense from her spot in the corner of the booth.
“And she’s allowed to take her time!” Elodie says. “But I really wish he hadn’t been so stupid. Has he truly been acting like nothing happened?”
I take a sip of my soda water with lime, then pluck another chip from the half-empty bowl in front of us. I dunk it in the salsa and pop it in my mouth before answering. “He’s…solicitous.”
“Solicitous?” Elodie echoes, a confused look on her face.
“It’s hard to describe.”
“Try,” she urges.
I scrunch my nose and look up. “Like everything he says and does is done in a way that lets me know he’s going out of his way to make things easy on me, even though the things he’s saying and doing are all perfectly normal things he’d say over the course of us working together.
It’s weird. His energy is like a golden retriever paired with a British butler. ”
Allyson snorts. “Oddly specific, but it works. I know what you mean.” She toasts me with a chip. “When’s the divorce?”
For the first time in a week, I manage to hold back the shiver that comes at the word. “End of the week.”
Elodie’s eyes go wide. “This week?” she squeaks. “But that’s so soon!”
“Not soon enough,” Kari mutters. At my dark look, she holds her hands up.
“Sorry! But my boss is all over my ass about him. Frank is convinced there’s something going on, so he’s digging into everything there is to know about Colin in some weird effort to, I don’t know, expose the dirt before someone else does? ” She shrugs. “It’s weird.”
My stomach clenches at the thought of anything bad happening to Colin. The same as it has ever since I realized I love him.
Love. Not loved.
I can’t tell my friends that. Can’t tell them that for all his odd behavior, I see the way he looks at me.
That I know there’s still something there, and that all my stupid heart wants is for him to wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me, that he’s sorry, and that he’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to me.
Not that I’d actually let him do that. Not when I’m finally finding my way back to myself again after months of being dimmer. I won’t let myself be like that ever again, letting myself be hidden.
Never again.
“Listen, he fucked up,” Elodie says, wincing as the word comes out of her mouth.
I giggle. “Aw, Els, you must feel really strongly about this if you cussed!”
She blushes and barrels forward. “My point is that I think he still loves you –”
“Hell no,” Allyson interjects. “If he wanted to, he would. And as much as I like and respect him as a coach, he is a low-down dirty slug for the way he’s treated you.”
“Preach.” Kari raises her margarita before taking a sip.
Allyson rolls her eyes. “You’re making him pay for the plane ticket, right?”
“I’m there with the team.”
“Damn, hoping it’d come out of his pocket,” she says. “But the divorce fees. Those are all him, you hear me?” She raises a brow.
“Where are you staying?” Elodie asks.
“Wherever the team is. I don’t suppose any of you want to go with me?” I look at each of them in turn, not in the least surprised at the shaking heads I get in return.
“Come on, Kari,” I whine. “Frank is worthless. You can stay with me, too. No extra expense for the team.”
“And the plane ticket?” she asks. “You footing that for me?”
I let my head drop. “Ugh, fine. Leave me to go to Vegas all by myself.”
“Where was this desire for company the last time you went?” Allyson says.
“Oh, it was nonexistent,” I joke. “And look where that got me.”
“Do you still have the ring?” Elodie asks.
I blink at the question.
“Like, are you giving it back to him or…”
“I still have it.” And there for a little while, I pulled it out and put it on at night, just to remind myself what it felt like.
Elodie’s eyes go soft. “Babe.”
I straighten. “Nope. I’m fine. This is good. Great, even. I’m getting exactly what I wanted, and that’s…great.”
“Great,” Elodie echoes sympathetically, reaching to squeeze my hand.
I look over at Kari. “You’ll let me know if you change your mind about going with me?”
She gives me a strained smile. “Of course.”
“Can we stop talking about me now? How about we harass Kari and get her to tell us about her love life.”
Kari snorts into her glass. “There is no love life.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Elodie says. “I think there are plenty of guys who’d –”
“Don’t finish that sentence,” Kari warns.
“Like to take you out to an absurdly expensive dinner and treat you like the queen you are,” Elodie finishes triumphantly.
Kari’s lips purse. “That’s not what you were going to say.”
“We all know you need dicking down,” Allyson says. “You’re so damn uptight it’ll take a man a solid night to loosen you up, but I guarantee someone’s up for it.”
Kari throws a chip at her across the table, then looks back to me. “So to be clear, you’re all done with him?” Kari presses.
My chest squeezes, but I answer truthfully. “I won’t let myself be with someone who won’t pick me. Like you reminded me, I deserve to be loved out loud.”
Kari’s eyes glimmer with approval, even as Elodie sighs and clutches at her heart. “Ugh, it’s just so romantic,” she swoons.
“Not when he won’t choose her,” Allyson reminds Elodie.
Her lips twist. “He’s scared. And trust me when I say that men do really stupid stuff when they’re scared.”
“This is different,” I protest. I’ve heard her story. “The way Ansel stood up for you? That’s romantic. What Colin is doing with me? The opposite of romantic.”
“Never say never,” Elodie sing-songs, then ducks a chip thrown by Kari.
“Okay, enough with the chips,” I chide, leaning into my best friend.
Kari grumbles. “I don’t know why any of you bother, anyway.”
Allyson’s brows raise. “Bother with what?”
“Love. It’s disappointing and lets you down. Maybe not immediately, but let’s be real: it’s inevitable.”
“Wow,” Allyson drawls. “Way to rain on my wedded bliss.”
“I’d like to remind you that you were the one to push me toward Ansel.” Elodie points a chip at Kari.
Kari shrugs. “I just wanted to get you a job that would allow you time to chase your dream. Being a nanny was perfect.”
“And you introduced me to Allyson,” Elodie presses.
“Because you needed a push. Not because I believe in happily ever after.”
“Spoken like a true cynic,” I mutter.
“Fine,” Kari says, putting her hands up in surrender. “Maybe your giant Samoan and your slutty thigh-tattoo having men are the exceptions to the rule. But what about Colin? Men like him are the problem.”
I bite my lip, wanting to argue with her but knowing it’s useless. Because they’re all right: until Colin is brave enough to love me in the open, then there’s nothing else to do. And I don’t know if he truly loves me to begin with.
He does. I know he does. But it doesn’t matter. We move forward with the divorce.