Chapter 3
Charcoal Black
When the bell rings, chaos ensues, and everyone moves at lightning speed while I feel like a tortoise trying to put my notebook back into my bag.
“Let’s go!” Alexis says, hurriedly dumping her laptop into her bag before climbing down the stairs.
I grab my bag, moving toward her when Jamie asks, “What’s your email?”
“What?” I glance at him, distracted.
He nods toward the board at the front of the classroom. “To send you the notes.”
“Oh.” I fidget with the front of my jacket before nodding. He’s not all talk. But I’m still on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If my father and sister have become strangers to me, why would this person whom I owe nothing help me?
He pivots his laptop toward me. “I promise I won’t send you spam emails.”
I don’t even crack a smile at his poor attempt at a joke, too occupied with wondering if Alexis left. But he doesn’t seem fazed in the least, still wearing his smile like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“Okay. Thank you,” I say, and type it into his laptop.
“Would you like a tour of the school during lunch?” he asks when I gently push the laptop back to him. I don’t want that thing destroyed by accident.
“I—” I begin, my hands starting to feel clammy.
“Ji!” Alexis says, waving from where she’s standing by the lower desks with her friends. “Come on.”
Relief washes through me to see they’ve waited for me. I nod.
“Maybe another day.” I zip up my bag.
“All right,” he says easily. “See you in the next class.”
I ignore him, climbing down the stairs.
Alexis and her friends start walking out, and I follow them.
“Why did Jamie give you his laptop?” Nicole asks me as soon as we’re in the hallways, away from the classroom.
I blink. “Just wanted my email.”
“He’s your school buddy, right?” Hayley asks. “Ugh, you’re so lucky.”
“You have a boyfriend,” Alexis reminds her.
“I’m just saying.” Hayley sticks out her tongue at Alexis.
“Sure.” Jenny rolls her eyes.
I take out my schedule from my pocket. I have physics in ten minutes. “Do all the teachers here speak that fast? How do you have time to take all the notes?”
They give me sympathetic looks while we round a corner.
“Dr. Bradley speaks like a snail compared with the other teachers,” Alexis says. “They all have PhDs here. So you have to call them ‘doctor.’”
I gape at her. “Snail speed?”
Jenny glances around her. “What most people do is record the lessons and listen to them after to fill in the blanks they missed.”
“I’m guessing it’s not allowed,” I say.
She nods. “But it’s the only way to survive, really. You need to have a good GPA, or you’ll be kicked out. But, I suppose, it’s not that important for you.”
“Why?” I ask, my voice coming out sharper than I intended.
Hayley and Nicole exchange quick glances.
“Because it’s senior year?” Jenny says, frowning. “It’s the last GPA you’ll ever get.”
“Right,” I say quickly, feeling hot under my shirt.
Things don’t get better with the rest of the classes.
I can barely keep up, and frustration kneads inside me.
I don’t share all my classes with Alexis and her friends, but Jamie is in most of mine.
My mind is too crowded with the never-ending thought of I don’t want to be here to think of anything else.
The only reprieve is a text from Alexis telling me to meet her in the cafeteria at lunch.
At long last the lunch bell rings, and I can breathe.
The cafeteria looks like something out of a food lover’s dream. There’s a long table filled with silver dishes from appetizers to several main course meals, and dessert. There are actual chefs with hats cooking behind a plexiglass wall where students can put in requests.
I find Alexis standing in the line, her hair bobbing up and down. She’s turning around like she’s looking for someone, and when she sees me, she smiles wide, beckoning me closer.
“Hey!” she says. “You made it. We’re just getting lunch. Do you want to join?”
Her friends give me a smile before returning to their conversation.
I know that in addition to regular tuition fees, there are options to add lunch and snacks among other things, but Baba can barely pay the base fee.
“Um—” I begin, clearing my throat and pat my bag. “I’ve got my own food.”
“Oh.” Her cheeks turn a shade darker, and awkwardness turns the air sour between us.
We’ve never really spoken outright about the difference in our financial standing.
I was never jealous she had more. I was jealous her mother’s lungs were strong and healthy while my mother’s were deteriorating to ash.
“You want me to grab you anything?” She nods toward the food station.
I appreciate the gesture. “Thank you, but really, Amal made me lunch today.”
Alexis gives me a half-hearted smile. “Get an empty table and we’ll find you.”
I nod and watch her grab a tray.
Looking around, I spot a free table and make my way toward it. I put my bag down and take out the lunch Amal gave me. She made me my favorite Syrian dish. Mama would make it only once a year because it takes a lot of time and effort. And she didn’t have much strength after the diagnosis.
Mehshi.
There are four zucchini tucked beside one another, the mixture of meat and rice spilling out where they’re stuffed. A tomato-based sauce is drizzled over them. She even put a scoop of yogurt in a corner of the Tupperware.
I can’t help the smile on my face.
“Hey,” a voice says above me, and my smile slips.
I look up to see Jamie. His eyes are sparkling like he’s just gotten off a roller-coaster at Coney Island. He sets his bag on the seat in front of me and slides into the chair.
“Are you following me?” I place the lid back onto the Tupperware.
He laughs, but it’s not mean. “I just wanted to check in on you after the morning classes. You looked like you saw a ghost.”
“I’m good. Thank you,” I say with what I hope is a polite smile. He’s kind, but I don’t understand why he’s persistently after me like this.
Jamie considers me for a second. “Look, I’ve been where you are. Everyone here has known one another since at least middle school. This type of… atmosphere in the classes is all they know. I had to learn how to adjust. So don’t worry. I’ll send you all my notes for all the classes.”
“Why?” I ask. No one really helped me back in my old school, and I was fine with that. I didn’t think anyone here would either. “Is this a part of the buddy thing?”
“What? No.” His brow furrows. He tilts his head to the side, studying me more intensely. “It’s not really an effort. I’m writing the notes either way. All I’ll be doing is emailing them to you.”
“I thought…” I pause, not knowing how to put my weird feelings into words. Even Alexis hasn’t offered to share her notes, but I can’t blame her. It’s the first day of school, and emotions run high.
Jamie waves his hand for me to go on.
I shrug and then shake my head. “Never mind. Thank you for doing that.”
He smiles. “No problem.” He looks around the cafeteria. “Are you sitting alone?”
“No,” I answer quickly. I don’t want him sitting with me and asking questions. Conversations aren’t my strongest suit right now. “My friend…I’m reserving the table.”
He nods. “You got your lunch?”
I glance at the mehshi. “Right here.”
“Good.”
He doesn’t say anything else but doesn’t make any effort to leave.
I fiddle with my hands, staring at anything but him.
He doesn’t look at me, just takes out his own lunch.
A big glass box filled with two smoked chicken breasts, a side of rice and broccoli.
The colors of his food would be muted even if I weren’t seeing them in gray.
The pale white, the sad brown, and the wilted green. There’s no life, no richness.
“Building muscle,” he says when he catches me staring at it. He looks apologetic, like he committed a crime by bringing this flavorless dish outside the confines of his home.
“I didn’t ask,” I reply without thinking, and wince.
This boy is incapable of not smiling. “You didn’t have to. I can see you judging it.” He peers at my food. “It’s nothing compared with what you brought. Puts all the food here to shame.”
My cheeks heat up.
I wonder how he’d look with all the colors painting him. If he would be brighter than the others in this school. His colors deeper.
But before I can say anything, several trays are slammed onto the table right beside us.
“Jamie!” Nicole all but squeals when she sees him. She perches in the chair right beside him and leans on her hand. “You’re joining us for lunch, right?”
Alexis sits next to me and gives me a look that says, I told you he’s everyone’s crush. I return the look with Glad Nicole is happy.
Their food looks like it was prepared at a Michelin-starred restaurant. There’s black truffle on top of their perfectly swirled spaghetti, and their salads look crisp.
“Just checking on Jihad.” Jamie smiles. “But yeah, I’ll join you for lunch.”
Nicole extends her hand behind her, and Hayley catches it, squeezing.
“Wait, what was your name again?” Jenny asks me, frowning. “It’s not Ji?”
I blink. “That’s my nickname.”
The three girls exchange glances.
“I thought it was weird you’d have a Chinese surname for a first name,” Hayley says. “But Alexis just called you Ji the whole time she talked about you, so we thought it was your first name.”
I look at Alexis, whose cheeks have become a faint pink.
“So your name is…Jihad?” Jenny asks quietly.
I grip the edges of my seat, nodding.
Nicole chews on her lower lip like she’s holding back tears.
“Is it… legal for you to have that name?” Hayley asks, eyes narrowed. “No disrespect, but it’s kind of offensive, right?”
Jamie stares at her. “What?”
My tongue is made from lead, glued to the bottom of my mouth, and I can’t speak. Deep down, I knew something like this would happen.
“You guys, come on,” Alexis finally says, her tone taking a defensive note. “I’ve known her all my life.”