Chapter 4
Peachy Rose
Everyone, get into groups of two,” Dr. Preston says loudly as she types on her laptop. “This is your partner for the rest of the semester.”
Seatmates and friends find each other, and I sit there, my fingers numb.
I look around, but no one’s paying me any attention. There were no empty seats beside anyone, so I sat alone. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. Alexis is already sitting next to Hayley, Nicole, and Jenny. Nicole slinks her arm through Alexis’s, saying something to her.
“Everyone got their partner?” Dr. Preston asks, and a murmur of confirmation sweeps through the class.
I take a deep breath and raise my hand. “I’m sorry, Dr. Preston. I don’t have a partner.”
She squints at me. “Yes, the new girl, isn’t it? Remind your name?”
Here it goes. “Ji—Jihad Dabbagh.”
I can feel wide eyes staring at me. I see Jenny whispering something in Hayley’s ear, who presses a hand over her mouth to stop her giggling.
“Right,” Dr. Preston says, looking unfazed.
Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun, and her no-nonsense air puts an end to the murmurs.
She glances at the attendance sheet in front of her.
“Hmm, but we have an even number of students in this class.” She sweeps her gaze over everyone. “Who here doesn’t have a partner?”
I close my eyes. The humiliation can’t get any worse than this. Baba will have to get a refund on the tuition because I can’t stay at this school.
“Ah, sorry, it’s me,” Jamie says, and my eyes fly open. He stands, rubbing the back of his neck, looking sheepish. “I wasn’t really focused on what you asked us to do.”
Dr. Preston narrows her eyes. “Make sure it doesn’t happen again, Mr. Murphy.”
Jamie apologizes and shoulders his bag before making his way to sit beside me. The student who was beside him looks disgruntled but smooths their expression when another student sits beside them.
Jamie opens his laptop and starts taking notes as Dr. Preston goes on with the lesson. I stare at him, confused. But I don’t say anything. There’s no time between all the molar mass explanations.
When the bell rings, I turn toward him, but before I can say anything, he says, “Yes, I had a partner. Yes, I left them to be yours. Yes, they’re fine. No, I didn’t do this because I pity you. It’s called lending a helping hand. May I have your number?”
I blink, and a surprised laugh falls from my lips.
He stares at me, a softness creasing in his eyes. The shades of gray on him blur for a second.
“You can laugh,” he says, teasing.
“On very rare occasions,” I reply, but just like that, the fuzziness in my chest vanishes. The void consumes it.
He extends his phone toward me. “Phone number, please.”
It’s the newest model. I stare at it, confused. “Why?”
“Chemistry homework,” he replies. “It would be great to reach you instantly, if that’s okay.”
I clear my throat, nodding, and take the phone from him. He makes sure not to brush my fingers with his, and I pause. I’ve never known a non-Muslim person who did that.
I type in my number and give it back. He lets it ring once.
“There,” he says. “Now you have mine.”
I take out my phone and see the missed call. My chest constricts in a strange way. It’s not unwelcome. Just… different. “There. I have it.”
He starts packing his bag, and I watch him for a few seconds before remembering Alexis. But when I look to where she was sitting with her friends, she isn’t there. There’s only me and Jamie in this classroom.
“You coming?” he asks when he notices me still in my seat.
“Yeah,” I say.
I’m by my locker, getting my books, when I hear a tired voice say, “There you are.”
I look up to see a round-faced girl, her hair in a dark ponytail, staring at me with blazing eyes. There’s a smattering of freckles along the bridge of her nose where a pair of huge rectangle glasses is perched. “Hello?”
“Jihad, right?” she says, and before I can reply, she continues, “I’m Audrey, the school’s magazine editor. I’ve been emailing you for the last three weeks. Do you not check your student email?”
“I—what?”
She sighs.
“Sorry, we have a student email?”
She raises her eyebrows. “Didn’t you get it in a letter or something?”
I shrug. I had only the acceptance letter, and there was no email mentioned. Maybe Baba forgot to give me a letter they mailed and it’s lying somewhere in the apartment.
She draws in a long breath. “I emailed you to ask if you’d be interested in a short interview for the school’s magazine. We rarely get new students, and it would be a nice way for the school to get to know you.”
Tension coils like a snake in my stomach. “I—I’m good, thank you.”
She frowns, mouth drawn tight. “Why not?”
I shake my head. “I just don’t want to.”
She purses her lips. “I understand it’s weird being the new girl at school, but this is not an in-depth op-ed. It’s just the footnotes of your life. Where were you born? What are you excited for the most for senior year? Hobbies? Favorite food? Just harmless stuff.”
I fiddle with the locker. Before Mama died, I’d have said yes, even though I’m not that sociable.
But now, I can’t give myself so openly to random strangers who’ll read about me.
I’ve moved into a conch, the tight shell surrounding me, and I want to be oblivious to this entire world.
I don’t want to make ripples or waves or exist more than I should. I told Amal I would keep my head down.
“I’m good,” I repeat.
Disappointment mars her expression. “Fine. Thought I’d ask.”
She waves a goodbye before leaving, and guilt crawls in my stomach.
Me: hey I didn’t see you when you left
Me: everything ok?
Me: like after what happened during lunch
I’m lying on my bed, my hair wrapped around me like a cocoon while I stare at the messages I sent to Alexis.
An incoming call lights up my screen.
Amal.
I pick up.
“How was it?” she asks.
“Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.”
“Good.” She sounds relieved. “That’s very good.”
I pick at the frayed lace on my pajama shirt. We don’t mention the tension from this morning. “I don’t want to go there.”
A beat of silence, then, “What?”
I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to go to that school. There was nothing wrong with my public school. At least there everyone knows me. No one bothered me.”
“Who bothered you at Braxton?” she asks, her voice sharp.
“No one,” I groan. “Look, I was reasonable. I did what you and Baba wanted. It’s not a good fit. I’m saving him thirty-five thousand dollars.”
“It was just the first day, Jihad. That’s not enough to base your entire opinion on.”
Annoyance pricks at me. “Why isn’t anyone listening to what I want? This isn’t fair.”
“You sound like a child.”
I sit up, anger burning through me. “A child. Because I’m telling you what the hell I want?”
“Don’t swear,” she snaps.
“I don’t need this shit,” I say just to spite her, and hang up before throwing my phone across the room.
I rub my hands over my face and into the roots of my hair, pulling on them until I feel the pain.
Baba comes back home to find me still on my bed. He knocks on my door twice before opening it slowly.
“Salam aalaykum,” he says.
I don’t say anything and continue lying on my side, staring at the wall in front of me.
“Did you like it?”
I still don’t reply, and I hear him shifting from one foot to the other.
“Just give it a few more days.”
Silence stretches thin between us for another minute.
Then he says, “If you don’t want to do it for me or yourself, then do it for your mother. She would have wanted the best for you.”
My throat feels tight, and I can’t swallow.
I hate the past tense. I’ve always hated it. We don’t know what she wants, because she’s not here.
He leaves, closing the door softly behind him, but it’s deafening against my ears. I stay in bed until I lose track of time. My phone later pings with a message, and I scrabble at it. It’s from Amal, and the hope fizzles out in my chest.
Amal: I don’t want us to fight. I get you’re under stress with senior year. It’s going to be okay.
I groan and roll onto my back, wincing when my hair is pulled taut.
My ceiling brings me comfort, and I can almost see the waves moving.
But in the end, it’s just a painting. It won’t compare to the real thing. The colors will be there. I can find them in the sand. Maybe the ocean water would paint me blue and the sun’s rays would make me glow like gold. Maybe my body will become translucent, and I will take in every color.
Braxton, a means to an end, would make that real.
Blowing a puff of air that makes the curl plastered on my face flutter, I get up and sit by my desk, taking out my books.
Halfway through listening to the physics lecture, my phone rings and I answer it breathlessly. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Alexis says.
I fidget with my fingers.
“Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply, not knowing how to bring up what happened during lunch.
“It was weird with the girls.”
I run a hand through my hair. “I…I thought they knew my name.”
“Yeah, about that,” she says, and I hear the apology in her tone. “I honestly thought I’d told them. But I’ve so rarely called you by your full name, I suppose I didn’t. They didn’t mean any harm, though. They did think it was a bit uncool the way you lashed out after they mentioned your mom.”
I blink, my back suddenly growing rigid. “What do you mean?”
“Look, I don’t think that,” she adds hurriedly. “I know what happened. I’ve seen what it did to you. God, if it were me…I wouldn’t have handled it as well as you are.”
My stomach twists and twists and twists.
I’m not handling it well, I want to scream. I’m not handling it at all.
“They just thought your outburst was uncalled for because they were genuinely concerned for you. Just be—” She stops, taking in a deep breath.
“Be what?”
She sighs. “I don’t know. A bit nicer?”
She doesn’t bring up what Hayley said about changing my name.
“Right,” I say, and my voice sounds thin.
“Don’t be upset, Ji.” She sounds close to tears. “I don’t want—I just want you all to get along. I don’t want to be stuck between you and them. I promise, they’re really nice.”
I take a deep breath, counting to five, letting that void swallow up all my negative emotions. That’s one of the good things about this emptiness inside me. There’s no space for anger or disappointment to fester. All are equal under the eyes of the void.
“Okay,” I finally say, my voice steady. “It was the first day of school. Things are always weird. I really think it’s a part of the liminal universe.”
“We are at the end of a part of our lives,” Alexis says. I can hear the relief in her voice. “Expect mild turbulence and memory loss. As well as indigestion.”
“Memory loss?”
She laughs. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”
I smile.
“So how were the classes? Did you take any notes?” she asks.
I glance at my open notebook where I scribbled what the hell with a daisy on top in the margin during chemistry.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” I don’t ask her for her notes, because she still hasn’t offered to share.
“You’ll get used to the speed,” she reassures me. “You’re insanely smart, Ji. Don’t you worry about it.”
“I guess.”
“I had no idea you didn’t have a partner for chemistry.” Her tone changes to a curious one. “Was Jamie really your partner?”
The hair on the back of my neck stands.
I clear my throat. “I don’t know.”
“Oh.” I hear a hint of disappointment in her voice. I wonder if the girls asked her to ask me about it.
I run my tongue along my teeth. “So you have a boyfriend?”
She makes a surprised sound. “Yes and no. We just hooked up a few times. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
I chew my tongue. “Why didn’t you?”
She sighs. “You were going through a tough time. How could I tell you about a stupid boy when the worst thing ever happened to you?”
My heart warms. Maybe I was being too harsh.
“I don’t know what to say but thank you.” I pick up my pencil and start drawing another daisy. “And you have a crush on Jamie?”
She laughs. “Not like Nicole.”
“I’ve noticed.”
I hear her shuffling, like she’s adjusting her sitting position.
“She’s been hoping he asks her out for ages.
Ever since he started at our school, actually.
He dated this one girl, Isabella Young, last year.
She was a senior, and they broke up when she graduated.
Nicole was devastated when they first went out.
She really thought she was getting closer to him, you know?
But I guess he treats everyone the same enthusiastic way.
It was kind of misleading, to be honest.”
I bite my tongue, my pencil digging into the paper.
I want to call her out on this, but I hold my tongue for the sake of peace.
I want to remind her of the boy from junior high she told me about who kept talking to her during gym, staying back to help her tidy up when it was her turn.
She turned him down when he asked her out, and he got angry, calling her a bitch.
She didn’t mislead him. And Jamie didn’t mislead Nicole.
“But after, he kept to himself. Nicole thinks she’ll be able to land him for sure this year. Which brings me to my next question.”
My hand pauses. “Mmm?”
“Nicole was wondering if you’d be okay changing partners with her?” she says hesitantly. “You’d partner with Hayley, then.”
The tension creeps along my shoulders, turning the muscle into stone.
“Wouldn’t that be better for you?” Alexis continues. “You, me, Hayley, and Jenny would have a group chat. We compare all answers and share notes and stuff. You’d be with us. People you know.”
My old computer groans out a notification. There’s a new email in my inbox. I swivel, clicking on the mouse a few hundred times before the screen lights up.
Subject: Today’s Class Notes
I told you I’d send them.
I’ve also attached the voice memos for the classes, in case you’d like to listen.
Prepare to be sick of me and my daily notes emails.
I noticed the what the hell note you wrote in the margins beside the titanium atomic mass, so I clarified it in my notes.
Though I have to say, I did like the daisy.
See you tomorrow, Jihad.
Best,
Jamie
“Ji?” Alexis says, her voice sounding far away. “Are you still there?”
I blink, feeling something unclench in my stomach, and a smile plays on my lips. “Yeah, I’m here. I can’t really change partners with Nicole. The school made it so my buddy would be my partner in assignments and stuff.”
“Oh,” she says, taken aback. “So there’s no way for you to change?”
“I don’t think so.” The lie flows from my lips as easily as the truth. So far today the only person who has shown me unconditional kindness is Jamie.
I’m letting my gut take the lead with this.