Chapter 14
Ocean Blue
I have about ten minutes left until I’m meeting Jamie.
It’s also time for Dhur, the midday prayer. Prayer times coincide with the positioning of the sun, and I usually wait until I’m home. Lately, I’ve had to pray it at school as the days are getting shorter.
I’m thankful the ladies’ room is empty. The fact that it’s a Friday afternoon is a bonus. I perform ablution, wiping over and under my shoes instead of the usual washing of my bare feet. I won’t be sticking my feet into any sink outside my home.
The hallways are strange without the crowd of students filling them.
It’s like seeing a ladybug without its spots.
I head back to the chemistry lab, glad to find no one is inside.
I take out my phone and open the prayer app.
The Qibla, which we pray toward, is in the front corner of the room, which means my back will face the door.
It makes me uneasy, vulnerable to be exposed like this, but I need to pray.
When I’m done, I turn around and gasp.
I’m not alone.
It’s the same guy from yesterday.
Adrian.
The one who touched me.
I finally take a good look at him, his blurred shape sharpening.
Slicked-back hair. Strong build. Wide shoulders. He’s handsome. Would have definitely made me look twice if we passed each other on the streets.
He’s leaning against the door, watching me with a smirk.
“Hey,” he says.
I scramble to my feet, grabbing my bag and hugging it to my chest.
“What were you doing?” he asks. It’s then I notice the phone in his hand.
And I know. I know he took a picture. Maybe a video. I know he’s been standing there for a while.
“Praying,” I say in the steadiest voice I can muster. It nearly doesn’t exist in the horrible silence of this room.
My stomach tugs and lets go like the tide of the ocean, and every molecule in me is screaming to get out. I try not to make any sudden movements, walking casually to the door.
If I can just get out of this room, it’ll be okay.
“Right.” His eyebrows are raised. “I wanted to check on you because I think I spooked you yesterday.”
I nod. My vision is starting to grow cloudy. No blood. There’s no blood.
He’s right in front of me, blocking the door, and there’s no way for me to get out without pushing him. Something I don’t think would work with our size difference. Something I don’t want to try.
“I don’t see what Nicole was saying about you,” he continues, and I’m scared he’s going to touch me again. “You’re actually really pretty. If you’re into brown girls.”
“Thanks,” I whisper weakly. I just want to leave. “Did… did you take my picture?”
He grins, all pearly white teeth. “Maybe.”
My stomach hurts. I’ve started sweating all over. “Why?”
“I didn’t say yes.”
Okay, this is going nowhere. “Could you please move? I’m late meeting someone.”
He doesn’t budge.
The realization that I’m trapped is suffocating. I don’t let my mind wander to what might happen here. What happened before.
“Leave,” he says simply, nodding his head to the side. “There’s plenty of room.”
I don’t move. If I squeeze past him, we’ll be close, and it’ll be an excuse for him to touch me again.
I wonder if I should scream. Would anyone hear me? There’s no one in the hallways. A teacher could hear and ask if everything’s okay. Adrian hasn’t done anything, and I can’t really use the excuse that I thought he was going to hurt me.
My phone rings and I jump, holding on to it like a lifeline.
Jamie’s name flashes on the screen, and I answer quickly before Adrian can swipe it from me.
“Hey, Jihad.” His voice is cheerful, and I think I might cry. “Are you at the library? I can’t find you.”
“No, no. I’m still in the chemistry lab.” I keep my eyes on Adrian, who doesn’t look bothered at all.
“Why? Do you want to meet there instead?”
“Yes. I think that would be a good idea,” I say through mouthfuls of incomplete breaths. My words are choppy, and not enough oxygen is reaching my lungs.
Jamie pauses for a moment. “Jihad, are you okay? Do you need help?”
“Yes.” My voice is strained, and there’s a burning sensation in my nose.
I hear rustling, the squeak of sneakers on the ground. “Okay. I’ll be right there. Don’t hang up.”
Adrian just keeps on staring at me.
“You’re a bit weird, Jihad,” Adrian says. “I’m just trying to get to know you, and you’re acting like I’m raping you or something.”
I press a hand to my stomach and step back.
“What did he say?” Jamie says through the phone, but it’s distant and I don’t think Adrian hears it.
Adrian lets out a laugh, shaking his head. “Jeez, you do take everything seriously.” He straightens up and opens the door. “I’ll see you around, Jihad.”
And he’s gone.
I’m too scared to walk out in case he’s by the door, out of sight, waiting for me. Jamie is still talking, but it barely registers.
Three minutes later, Jamie barges in, out of breath.
He pushes his hair back, looking wildly around, and when he sees me, he rushes toward me. “Are you okay? Why didn’t you answer? What the hell happened? Who was that?”
“Adrian,” I whisper, the hard, cool wall digging into my back. I’m pushing against it as hard as I can like I’ll become a part of it. “He wouldn’t let me leave. He took a picture of me while I was praying. I…I don’t know what he’s going to do with it.”
Jamie walks back outside, looking, and then comes back in. “Okay, he’s gone. I didn’t see him on my way. Do you want to leave? Let’s leave.”
I nod, hurrying out the door, hugging my bag tightly.
“Do you want to report this?”
I shake my head, forcing myself to speak steadily. “He technically didn’t do anything.”
He frowns. “But you were scared.”
I press my hands to my cheeks. They’re ice-cold. “It doesn’t matter. It’ll be hard to prove he meant to do anything.”
“So you just let him get away with it?”
We both stop walking. “You think the principal is going to side with me when I tell him? You think he will take one look at me and believe a word I say? You think he’ll talk to Adrian?
There were no witnesses.” Jamie opens his mouth, but I cut him off.
“You might not see anything wrong with me or my name, but you can’t pretend the entire school, this entire country, shares your thoughts.
Things like this happen all the time, but it’s like they never do. ”
He scratches the back of his neck. “No, I get it. You’re right. I just don’t think he should get away with it.”
I shrug a shoulder and start toward the door. “He will. Trust me, we never get any justice. Can we go to the library now?”
Jamie holds out a hand in front of me. “Are you okay?” He watches me with such concern that my heart hurts in a different way. The red color of his soul becomes warm. The red of my blood calming down in response.
It makes me want to tell him that No, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in over a year.
It makes me want to be honest. About everything.
“I will be,” I say instead.
He glances at the floor for a second before we start walking. We don’t say another word until we’re at the library.
It’s bigger than the one my public school has and is filled to the brim with books.
The floors are clean and vacuumed, no dust bunnies multiplying in corners.
There are several spotless tables, no numbers or slurs carved into the wood.
To one side are three “bubble rooms” that isolate sound for a more concentrated studying experience.
They even have a little electronic screen that shows who booked the room.
The middle one is reserved for the two of us. Jamie opens the door for me. Two large cups of coffee wait on the wide glass table.
“This is why I wanted the twenty minutes.” He sits. “My treat.”
The tally of what I owe him is increasing. It’s a kind gesture. I don’t think anyone has treated me to anything forever. Someone who isn’t Amal or, sometimes, Alexis. But Alexis still hasn’t offered me her class notes. Is she waiting for me to ask?
“Thank you.” I smile, picking up my coffee carefully. It warms me all the way to my toes, melting away frigid fear.
When I glance at him, he looks dazed, and a pink blush is splattered on his cheeks.
He scratches his nose. “I, uh, wasn’t sure what you liked, so I played it safe and got a vanilla latte. Is that okay?”
I nod, feeling oddly happy and perfectly distracted from what just happened. “I’ve had it once before. Well, not in a coffee shop, but my older sister went through a coffee phase during college. And she used to make different coffee recipes at home.”
“Oh, you have an older sister. Are you the youngest?” He inches closer to the desk, hand under his chin.
“Yes. Just us two girls. You?”
“Only son. Only kid. You’re from New York?”
“Queens. And you’re from Wisconsin,” I say, and immediately clamp my lips together.
He raises his eyebrows.
I hide my face behind my hands, knowing I’m blushing a neon red. “I—I didn’t stalk you,” I splutter.
“I didn’t say you did.” He presses the back of his hand to his mouth, trying not to laugh.
“Alexis gave me an orientation session before school started.”
He presses a hand to his heart. “Aw, and you remembered me out of everyone in the school?”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. She mentioned you were newish like me. That’s why it stuck.”
He nods in a serious manner. “Sure it is.”
My lips twitch with a smile. “How are you finding New York?”
He takes a sip from his coffee. “Loud. I haven’t really gotten used to that.
We lived on a farm in Wisconsin. My grandmother owns it.
Over fifteen hundred acres. It’s got horses, sheep, cows, chickens.
So many trees. Lake Michigan is forty minutes away.
I grew up there, and when you actually sleep under the stars, everything else pales in comparison. ”
I think of San Francisco, of the deep blue ocean. I hear the cars on I-80 so clearly.
“I imagine it does,” I say. “Why did you move?”