Chapter 32 Steel Gray #2
It’s third period when Alexis and her friends make an appearance.
They pointedly ignore me and Jamie, and I notice that Jenny’s and Hayley’s eyes are rimmed red like they’ve been crying.
Alexis makes such a point of pretending I don’t exist that it’s painfully obvious.
Nicole is carrying herself like she’s been through war and survived.
A couple of girls she passes by hold her hand, and she squeezes back reassuringly.
And that’s all the proof I need to know how this narrative has been twisted.
Just before lunchtime, Jamie gets called to the principal’s office, and I don’t see him for the rest of the day.
No one comes near me. No one bothers me, and even though I don’t hear a word of any lesson, it’s the first time in forever I have a somewhat normal day at school. By the end of the day, I’m half dead with worry, and all the messages I sent Jamie are unanswered.
The last bell rings, and I let out a long breath. I pack my things and leave the class, heading toward the front doors when Audrey calls my name. She’s by her locker, which has bee and meme stickers all over its door.
“So because a fight happened, Mason, Adrian, and Jamie got suspended,” she says without saying hello.
I grip the straps of my bag tightly. I’m not surprised, but it feels horrible to hear Jamie was affected by this.
“Mason’s dad came to school,” she continues, looking over her shoulder. “A friend of mine volunteers at the office from time to time, and she saw him. He went to the hospital.”
“Is his stomach really ruptured?” I ask, mouth dry. God, Jamie could get arrested.
Audrey shakes her head. “Just bruised.” Her lips go into a thin line. “Even if it was ruptured, he deserves it.”
I chew on my tongue. “It’s still not good. Jamie was defending me. So the reason for their suspension was a fight? Not because of what they did? They just get away with it?”
She gives me a sad smile. “You told me they would.”
But it’s not fair, I think like a child.
This whole thing isn’t fair. Were they supposed to find me?
Was Jamie supposed to sit back and watch me get brutalized?
Why is it when we fight back we’re the ones in the wrong?
Why can’t we be angry? Why can’t I hate?
Why must I swallow hit after hit and never protest?
Why must I pretend that what they did wasn’t a big deal?
Why are we the oppressors when we say “enough”? When Jamie says “enough”?
She closes her locker. “What are you going to do?”
I think about this. If Jamie got suspended, then my turn is next.
There’s nothing to lose except all the money Baba spent.
I frown, an idea blooming in my head. I have all the notes, and I’m ready for the AP exams. If I get suspended or even expelled, there could be a way for me to sit for the exams, and worst-case scenario, I go to public school with the notes I have.
It’s the long way around, but it’s a solution.
“You know what?” I say slowly. “I do know what I want to do.” She brightens up. “I just need to clear my head, and I’ll let you know. Can I have your number?”
Audrey grins, taking out her phone, and one second later, my phone is ringing.
“My friend who works in the office gave it to me,” she says, sticking out her tongue.
Back home, I consider calling Jamie, but I’m not sure if I should. Not sure what’s happening to him. So I settle on another message.
Me: hey. I hope you’re okay. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry I got you involved.
I sit on my bed, then tip over, hugging my knees to my chest. It was my fault.
I have the right to be angry, and even though Mason and Adrian got what they deserved, I dragged Jamie into this whole mess.
And I don’t know how to make it right for him.
Maybe I should walk into the principal’s office on Monday and take all the blame.
If I get expelled, everything will go back to normal. Jamie would go back to school.
I frown, wondering why I didn’t get called into the principal’s office with him today. The whole thing happened because of me.
My phone rings, and I sit up when I see Jamie’s name flashing on the screen.
“Hello?” I say breathlessly.
“Hey. Do you think you could send me notes just this once?”
I let out a sudden laugh, and the tension eases a fraction. “I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything. But we just reviewed important chapters for the exams.”
“That’s good.”
Silence spreads between us.
“How bad is it?” I ask, dreading the answer.
“Well,” he says in a voice that feels like he’s forcing himself to be cheerful, “my parents got called in. They were not happy. I told them the truth. Mason and Adrian were there. So were their parents. And they, of course, did not agree with the truth. They said they never laid a hand on you. Nicole backed them up, but the other girls stayed quiet.”
I make a disbelieving sound.
“Oh yeah,” he says with a hint of laughter in his voice. “I think it’s the If she can’t have me, she’ll destroy me trope.”
“I don’t think that’s a thing.”
“It is with her. Anyway, the school has a strict no-violence policy, and I think to appease everyone, Mason, Adrian, and I got suspended. Though their suspension is just three days. Mine is indefinite because they looked messed up and I was okay.”
“But didn’t anyone ask what happened?” I argue. “Why wasn’t I called in?”
“I did ask that. And apparently, the reason doesn’t matter.
What happened to you—sorry, what allegedly happened to you—is separate from what I did.
I was told if I saw something happening to you, I should have called one of the teachers.
Not inflicted my own justice.” He says the last sentence in an over-the-top posh accent.
“Allegedly? Did I give myself that black eye?” I demand.
“Mérieux said you should have reported it.”
Another pin-drop silence falls, but this one is like the ground shaking before an explosion.
“Reported it,” I say hollowly. “Right. Like the times I reported it before, and he didn’t do anything.”
“That’s the one,” Jamie says with disgust.
I close my eyes, resting my head against the wall.
“It’ll be okay,” he says gently.
“It’s not okay now,” I whisper. “You’re suspended. What did your parents do?”
I hear him shifting. “They’re shocked. Got their attorneys involved in case Mason and Adrian sue. Surprisingly, they’re not.”
My eyes fly open. “They don’t want my story to get out.”
I can hear the smile in his voice. “Yeah.” Then before I can mull this over, he says, “I think my parents suspect you and I are dating.” I feel like I’ve been thrown into the deep end of the ocean.
“What?” is all that I’m able to croak out.
“They believe me,” he says, and I think he’s trying his best not to laugh. I’m not sure how he can be so casual about the whole thing when with every second passing by, I feel like a string being pulled tighter and tighter. “About… uh…”
“Helping me,” I add helpfully, still in a stunned daze.
“Yes,” he says, and I hear the bashfulness in his voice. “They wish I didn’t have to do what I did, but they get it. And then immediately assumed you and I are together.”
“What—what did you tell them? Do they know I’m Muslim?” Why do I sound distressed?
“They’re not bigots,” he says with a laugh. “I told them we’re friends.”
My muscles loosen, and I relax my back. Friends feels like a good, safe word.
Something easily said and understood. I would protect him like he protected me.
But friendship barely touches on what I feel toward him.
What I think he feels toward me. It’s not just love.
Not the romantic kind anyway, but more as if he sees my soul, and I see his, and it’s comfortable being myself.
It’s not forced. It’s compatible silences and knowing there’s no part of me I’d hide from him.
Maybe that’s what friendship is. My only other experience was with Alexis, and look how that turned out.
But I’ve caught myself thinking of the color of his eyes, the rich honey brown that is so sweet, the curve of his smile, and the way the sun catches the gold in his hair and makes the black look like the ocean at midnight.
So maybe it’s not friendship. Maybe it is love. I just don’t know how this would work. We’re both going our separate ways. Even if I stay in New York, he’s going to Wisconsin. So whatever I’m feeling, these heartstrings being tugged, it doesn’t matter because it won’t end up anywhere.
“That’s good,” I say, and there’s a small pause between us.
He doesn’t elaborate, doesn’t ask me if it truly is friendship, but the silence doesn’t feel awkward.
“What are you going to do now?” I ask.
“Well,” he says with a yawn. “Probably take a nap that will turn into a hibernation. I deserve it after this whole year. But on a bigger scale, classes are already finished, and all that’s left is the exams. So the attorneys are going to try to arrange for me to take them.”
I let out a sigh of relief.
“But there’s the whole high school diploma thing. Not sure how that will work out. Might not,” he says, and my spirits plummet.
“I should have known Alexis was… like that,” I say bitterly.
“It’s pretty amazing how much I was willing to ignore and pretend didn’t happen because I knew her for so long.
Because she was sometimes nice. She really was a good friend.
At one point in my life. She made me cupcakes for Valentine’s Day.
She always called me at midnight on my birthday, and we’d talk until morning under the blanket so our parents wouldn’t hear us.
She fixed my locker the first time it got destroyed. ”
“She what?” Jamie says, voice quiet with shock.
I blink. “What?”
Another bout of silence hangs between us, but then he says, “Jihad, that was me.”