Chapter 32
chapter thirty-two
luna
Kriz
Good luck, Lulu!!!
Chloe
Good luck with what?
The coffee shop was packed to the brim like it was most afternoons, but I spotted a group of students gathering their stuff at a table in the al fresco area. Hurrying over, I claimed the table as soon as they left, parking my butt on one of the chairs.
Kai walked toward me carrying a tray of drinks and pastries. “Good reflexes. One iced coconut latte and a plain croissant,” he said as he placed them on the table in front of me.
“Thanks.” I stirred my drink with the straw, enjoying how the dark espresso swirled with the creamy milk. “How much do I owe you?”
He sat opposite me with his own order. “I’ve got it.”
“What? No, let me pay.”
“Think of it like an advance birthday treat for you.”
“I was the one who invited you.” I reached inside my bag for my wallet.
“I’ve got it, Luna,” he repeated, and I felt worse than I did before.
Here he was, buying me coffee when I was about to deliver the I like you but only as a friend speech. Not for the first time, I wondered if there was a chance my friends were mistaken, and if so, how badly I would embarrass myself if they were. On the flip side, if they were right, then I’d end up hurting someone who had only ever been kind to me.
Between the two, I’d take the personal humiliation.
“What’s wrong?”
I looked up from my coffee. “What do you mean?”
“You have that same expression when you’re studying and you’re frustrated but don’t want to ask questions.” A small smile played on Kai’s lips. “Your eyes get squinty, and you kind of chew on the inside of your lip.”
“Seriously? I didn’t realize I did that.”
That sinking feeling in my stomach deepened because he’d paid enough attention to me to track my tics and I’d never even noticed. Until this moment, I’d clung to the possibility that Chloe and Kriz were wrong. I’d never felt like a bigger fool in my life . . . and now I had to find a way to let Kai down gently. Was that even possible?
Kai leaned in. “Hey. You’re really getting me worried. What is it?”
“You’re such a good person, Kai.” Even I heard the sadness in my voice, but I couldn’t help it.
His chuckle came out stuttered. “Why do you make it sound tragic?”
“I wish . . .” It had been you? That things were different? There were many ways to end that sentence, yet none of them came out because it seemed every alternative to this scenario excluded Gabe’s presence in my life.
The muscles in Kai’s face grew slack as his eyes widened. “Oh.” Slowly, he shook his head. “Man, I thought this would be my chance to ask you out. This is like an extreme case of expectation versus reality.”
“I’m so sorry,” I burst out.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault if you’re not into me.”
“You’re an amazing guy, Kai, and I mean that. The thing is . . . I’m in love with someone else.”
His mouth parted. “Wow. I didn’t see that coming. Did I wait too long to make a move?”
“No. I’ve had feelings for him for a while now.”
“You know, I wanted to ask you out that day we met. But then I found out you worked at the store and I was afraid to mess things up because I needed that job.” He winced. “That sounds bad.”
“No, no. Honestly, I’ve been hung up on this guy since freshman year. I’m not sure he feels the same way or if I actually have a chance with him, but I don’t want to risk leading you on. That wouldn’t be fair to you when you’ve been nothing but good to me.” I bit my bottom lip and winced at the ache. “I’m sorry.”
He sighed. “Don’t apologize. You’re entitled to your feelings. I’m not gonna lie—it sucks and I’m disappointed. But I’m glad you were honest. I mean, who am I to stand in the way of love?”
My stomach churned as I took in the kindness in his eyes. “I hope I didn’t mislead you. I swear, it wasn’t my intention if I did.”
“You always gave off a friends-only vibe. If I thought I could change your mind, that’s on me.”
“You’re a keeper. You deserve someone who’s all in with you.”
“Never heard that before,” he said, his lips twitching. “I like the sound of it.”
“As you should. I don’t just go around saying that to anyone, you know.”
His laughter came easier this time, and it filled me with relief. “You’re a keeper yourself,” he told me. “ You deserve someone who’ll treat you right. Whoever the guy is, I hope he knows how lucky he is.”
If only I could say that for sure. “It’s complicated.”
“Isn’t it always?”
I raised my glass to him and finally took a sip. The coffee was watery from the melted ice, but at least we’d had this talk. It took one weight off my shoulders, though I regretted that I might have lost one of my closest friends.
“Hey. I’m still invited to your party, right?”
My eyebrows flew up. “Yeah, definitely. I’d love for you to be there, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.”
“You mean because you rejected me before I had the chance to ask you out?”
I grimaced.
Kai chuckled. “I’m kidding. Of course I’ll be there,” he said earnestly. “It’s the last chance to chill before finals. Besides, I’m curious to meet this guy of yours.”
“I’m not even sure he’ll show,” I muttered.
“Seriously? To your birthday ?”
“I told you, it’s complicated.”
He huffed. “Well, we’ll have a good time with or without him.”
If Gabe came and Kai realized who I was talking about—what then? But if Gabe didn’t, could I really hold on to the fantasy that things would change between us? There was a fine line between hope and delusion. Now I found myself wondering if I’d already crossed it.
gabe
“I’m back!”
I swiveled in my chair and smiled at Max, who bounded toward me. “About time.” I saved my file and put my laptop to sleep.
The faculty room had grown too quiet in Max’s ten-day absence. Without noticing it, I’d grown accustomed to his dramatic entrances and invitations to hang out. He’d become my go-to person to exchange ideas with and vent my frustrations to, having survived his own dissertation. I didn’t realize how much I needed that until he went on leave.
“Thanks again for covering for me,” Max said as he sank into the chair next to mine. “Remind me to pay for drinks next time.”
“You’re welcome. Glad to know your mother-in-law is doing better.”
He leaned back, getting comfortable. “It’s such a relief. Technically, she’s not my mother-in-law—I call her that because she’s a second mom to me. She accepted Paul’s and my relationship faster than anyone in my family.”
“I see. You never brought Paul along for drinks.”
“That’s it?” Max blinked at me. “No questions?”
Lifting my shoulders, I said, “I’ll rephrase. Why haven’t you brought him for drinks?”
“He travels for work often. And I guess I wasn’t sure you’d be okay with me bringing someone along, much less a guy.”
“I take a while to be comfortable with anyone new.” I drummed my fingers on my desk. “But you should bring him next time.”
Max barked out a laugh. “You got it. Why don’t you bring your woman, too? Make it a double date.”
My hand stilled. “I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“Is she married?”
“No.”
“Then what’s the issue?”
I considered telling him about Luna, but my eyes took in the walls of the room. The shelves and white boards that had long been familiar seemed to close in on me like bars in a cell. When I told Max—if I did—it wouldn’t be here. “We’re still working things out,” I said. “And my schedule is full now.”
“That reminds me, how’s the writing going?”
“Like shit.”
He gaped at me. “Well, that’s one way to describe it.”
“Pardon my French.”
“Trust me, I’ve said much worse.” His gaze narrowed on me. “Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Do you really want this degree?”
“Of course I do.” I said the words without thinking about them because that was what I was supposed to say—even if they didn’t ring true anymore.
“I asked because most of us who do this, it’s because we love to teach. We’re in it for the long run. Or maybe because we want to build our own business down the line. But you already have one—a successful one too. And I’m not saying you’re not good at teaching, but I get this feeling that you love your consultancy more.”
Everything he said was something I’d thought to myself before. Somehow, it hit differently coming from someone else. Perhaps it was because he was an unbiased third party. I’d wondered if my doubts and resistance were influenced by my feelings for Luna, but Max dissecting it as he had made it easier to zero in on the facts.
“This degree takes a lot from you,” he told me solemnly. “You need to be sure you want it bad enough. If all this shit—like you said—will be worth it in the end.”
In the past, I wouldn’t have hesitated. No sacrifice would have been too big to achieve my goals and gain the security I sought. But now, when I imagined the future, it wasn’t the big house or the dollar signs or the titles added to my name that I pictured.
It was having Luna by my side.