Chapter 32
So, Willow’s a liar.
Not only did she not Facetune me, but she posted the photo on all her socials with the caption: Me and my poor friend Elena Ok, who has lost everything, including her will to live.
Now that her #Blaire post has gone viral, the media outlets have gotten wind of my location and are camped out in front of our house.
The dial-up internet was so slow loading the comments, so I didn’t read them all.
But even if we did have high-speed internet, I don’t know if I could read any more.
Most of the comments fixate on the drastic change in my appearance, assuming that my unstyled hair; ill-fitting, off-brand clothes; and makeup-less face mean that I’m sad, alone, and weary living in Blaire.
The truth is, I’ve always felt this way, even when we lived in LA. I was just better at hiding it.
The scathing comments aren’t just about me either.
They’re about Blaire too. How poor the town is, how obvious it is that no one wants to live here, and how it’s no wonder that no one knew of its existence before.
It’s only a matter of time before the town becomes a public spectacle.
After today I will henceforth go down in Blaire’s history for putting back on the map the town that’s been forgotten about.
An achievement I would have been proud of under different circumstances.
Instead of highlighting its good qualities, Blaire has become a laughingstock—all because of me.
For the past hour, we’ve been cooped up inside our house since the reporters have been camped out outside.
Mom and Dad think it’s a good idea not to make any comments or public appearances, and for the first time, I agree with them.
Gavin and I are in our room, and even though he isn’t speaking to me, it doesn’t mean it’s been silent.
There may not be as many reporters as I’m used to, but they are loud and unrelenting nonetheless.
“Elena, have you really lost everything?”
“Elena, what’s going to happen to you now?”
“Elena, are you okay?”
“Ugh,” I groan loudly. I can hear them even with my head buried under my pillow. “I can’t believe Willow posted that photo of me.”
“I can,” Gavin says, breaking his silent treatment.
“How could she post that when I’m going to live with her?”
An incredulous noise escapes his lips. “Yeah, she had no intention of following through with that.” The edge in his tone tells me he’s still upset with me, which reminds me that I’m still mad at him too.
I sit up. “Of course she did. I got her the job on the show. She owes me.”
“Do you even hear what you’re saying? Friends don’t owe each other anything except respect.” Gavin scoffs. “She wasn’t trying to help you. She saw an opportunity to boost her self-image, and she took it. I don’t know why you’re so surprised. You do it all the time.”
I gape at him. “I’m not like that at all.”
“Oh yeah? Why did you tell Callie about Sonya?” He stares at me with wide, accusing eyes.
“Because. She deserved to know the truth about you.”
“And what about you? Didn’t you think she needed to know the truth about you too?”
“That’s different. I’m not in a relationship with her.”
“Yes, you are!” He shoots up from his bed, startling me.
“A friendship is a relationship. Don’t you understand that not every person owes you something or needs to pay you for your company?
Callie isn’t like that. She’s looking for friendship, no strings attached.
She deserves to know the truth about you as much as she does about me.
So don’t kid yourself into thinking you were doing her a favor. ”
“You’re right,” I say, sitting up to match his cold, hard stare. “Maybe I don’t know how deep and meaningful relationships work like you do. But can you blame me? If my own family abandoned me when I needed them the most, why should I expect anyone to be there for me?”
His face contorts in confusion. “That’s what this is about? Public validation to make up for not getting attention at home?”
“Is it so hard to believe that I want to feel valued? I’m tired of being ignored in this family. While you were supported and praised your entire life, I was a joke.”
He lets out a humorless laugh. “For the last time, the Vogue article was the joke! We didn’t give it a second thought. But you certainly did. And now it’s all you ever think of.”
“What was I supposed to do? You abandoned me!” I point an accusing finger at him.
“Just because we didn’t take it as seriously as you did, that doesn’t mean we abandoned you. When you turned it into your catchphrase, that was when you decided to be on your own.”
Is he really trying to make this about me? Because Gavin’s wrong. He’s the abandoner.
“As long as we’re calling each other out, your responsible-big-brother act may have fooled Mom and Dad, but I can see through it. You lied to them, just like you lied to me about Brennan.”
His head jerks back. “Brennan?”
“I heard you two talking at the cafe.” I purse my lips at him.
“You what?” He arches his brows in disbelief.
“I didn’t know if I could trust you to ask him how he felt about me without messing it up, so I followed you. And I was right not to trust you. Because I heard everything you said about me. I heard you making fun of me. It was Vogue all over again!”
Gavin stands up now, clenching his fists.
“Did you hear the part where I said I misunderstood you all these years? That everything you do—from the money you’ve earned to support us, the way you got Dad to harvest what Mom wanted, and the impact you made on the town’s beautification initiative—has shown me that you are a strong, capable, and determined person who will always end up more than fine? ”
What? When? I must have left before I heard that part of the conversation. Still, it doesn’t explain what I did hear. “Then why did you say all those insulting things about me?”
“I was trying to reassure Brennan that you weren’t the fragile person he thought you were.
He mentioned how you were flirting with him pretty hard, and he was worried you wouldn’t take the rejection well.
I wanted to let him know that you may seem like a vulnerable person, but you have an amazing ability to turn a bad situation around and make it good.
And that quality has gotten you far in life.
Once I got him to see that, he no longer saw you as weak but as strong.
Don’t you see? I was being a good brother! ” Gavin is practically shouting at me.
His explanation is starting to make sense. But if he’s been a good brother, then that means I’ve been a bad sister. And I don’t want to believe that. I can’t believe that. So I grasp for things that still don’t add up.
“Brennan thought I was fragile? Because I flirted with him?” I scoff. “I only flirted with him because I thought that’s what he wanted. He gave me the impression he was interested in me first, not the other way around.”
“Of course he was interested in you. Brennan is a guy who values charity and giving back. So when he saw you dedicating your time to the town’s beautification initiative and putting in hard work, he was drawn to you.
Don’t you get it?” Gavin says, still frustrated with me but no longer angry.
“Because of your silly little catchphrase, you’re so conditioned to think that dumbing yourself down will make you more popular.
You can’t see what respect looks like when it’s staring you in the face.
Brennan was being nice to you because he respects you. ”
“For the last time, the catchphrase isn’t silly, and neither am I!
” When is he going to get it through his head that it’s not that deep?
It’s just a catchphrase, a couple of harmless words.
And yeah, it pokes fun at me, but what Gavin doesn’t seem to understand is that I was going to be laughed at no matter what.
At least this way, I get something out of it—I’m making money and finding a way to support myself.
“You have no idea what it’s like to be me.
The intense scrutiny that women have is a thousand times more than what you and Dad and other men in the industry have to deal with.
We have to be pretty, but we can’t think we’re pretty, or else we’re self-obsessed.
We have to be fashionable and wear clothes that accentuate our bodies, but we can’t reveal too much, or else we’re slut-shamed.
And we have to be smart but not too smart, or else we’re boring,” I say.
“The truth is, the media is more forgiving to men than to women. By using my catchphrase to my advantage, I’m just trying to be smart about it. ”
“Enough with the TED Talk, Elena.” He sighs, exasperated.
“Look, I get that society likes women who downplay their intelligence. And at first I knew it was an act. But at some point, you started to believe it. Because I can see the way you treat people. They’re nothing but numbers or statistics.
Some kind of metric that can measure your worth. ”
“That’s not true! I have lots of friends—”
“Oh, really?” He points to the media outside our window. “Is that how a friend treats you?”
“That’s one person.”
“Oh yeah? Who else has stuck by your side during this time?”
“It’s summer, Gavin. Everyone’s busy.”
“Too busy to pick up a phone and call?”
Gavin isn’t saying anything I didn’t already know. But putting voice to it is like forcing me to stare at my reflection in the mirror. And I don’t like what I see. Not at all.
“But once we get back to LA and I get my brand manager to fix all of this for me—”
“Then what?” Gavin says. “You’ll have friends who will call you?
Fans who will follow your every move? All of them will be there until your next downfall.
What kind of a life is that?” He lets out an incredulous sound.
“Face it, El. There’s nothing to go back to.
Your day in the sun is done. You’re like a one-hit wonder—all vibes, no substance. ”
The more Gavin talks, the less certain I am about the life I so desperately wanted to go back to. I feel the ground slipping from under me.
“As much as you think you were gaming the system with the catchphrase, somewhere along the way, you bought into it. Because your self-worth is now tied to the public opinion of you. That’s exactly why you told Callie. Because if you don’t get all the attention, then no one can.”
“No, that’s not true,” I protest. As much as I want to believe I’m not capable of being so deceitful, I can hear the insecurity in my tone.
“Name one thing you did for anyone here that wasn’t selfishly motivated,” he challenges me.
It isn’t until Gavin points it out that I begin to question my own motives. At the farmer’s market, I tried to make money to hire Kiki back, and at the convenience store, I tried to spend more time flirting with Brennan. Does that mean Gavin is right? Is everything I do selfishly motivated?
Gavin takes my silence as admission. “You made it so clear that this was temporary. That once we got out of here, you’d leave, and this was just a means to get you what you needed.
You think being selfless means doing things for others.
But true selflessness is doing things for others even if they come at the cost of something you want. ”
As much as I want to argue, I can’t. Gavin’s right. How could he know that I cared about him—about Mom, Dad, and everyone else in Blaire—if my goal was to leave as soon as I could?
By this point I’ve run out of excuses and am left with nothing but the truth.
It wasn’t all for my own selfish needs, but I admit it was a selfish way to fill that void.
I hurt so many people along the way. Now I can see that the only thing I succeeded in when I turned the Vogue article into my catchphrase was reinforcing what everyone thought about me: That I don’t know what I’m talking about. That I’m clueless. That I’m a joke.
Excerpt
“Keep your focus on the step ahead of you. That’s how you become a leader in the industry.”
The American Dream Achieved: The Story of Dale Ok, Founder of It’s Ok!
Transcript
60 Minutes Interview with Gloria Ok
Gloria: We haven’t been back to Anbandegi since we moved out of there. I heard it’s famous now for stargazing, since the elevation and remote location give you one of the best views.
Interviewer: I think I read that it’s become better known after a K-drama was filmed there.
Gloria: Yes, that’s right. I was surprised to see my hometown in a K-drama.
Interviewer: The views were incredibly scenic. It must have been surreal to grow up there.
Gloria: At first, I didn’t believe the stars on-screen were real. Because I never noticed them when I lived there. Guess that’s what happens when you focus too much on the work. You miss the opportunity to see the beauty around you.