Chapter Five
‘And he left?’ Kat proffers the biscuit tin and I gladly help myself to two ginger nuts. ‘Just like that?’
‘Just like that.’ I crunch the biscuit thoughtfully, casting my eyes upward. ‘Well, not left left, he’ll have to come back for the rest of his stuff, and I guess we can talk things through then. He said he’d be home tonight, he promised.’
Yeah, but Jerry says a lot of things that don’t happen, doesn’t he? The little voice in my ear whispers.
I swat it away angrily and guzzle down the grainy instant coffee from one of Kat’s mismatched mugs. It’s not a patch on the slow-blended, rich roast I’m used to, but it will do, I suppose. Her house is looking exceedingly bare at the moment, everything’s packed up into boxes for moving, and I’m unused to seeing my sister’s place so free of clutter. On a normal day, knick-knacks are scattered across every surface and you can bet there’ll be several old tea cups out on the coffee table.
‘And how did Penny take it?’ Kat asks, much more gently than usual. Ordinarily, she’s as blunt as a spoon, (that’s one of the few traits we share), but she’s treading softly this time.
‘Well, I got lucky, Penny was none the wiser when I got her up for school. She didn’t even ask where Jerry was, which was a blessing, as I have no idea what I’d tell her.’
She could sense something was amiss, though, I’m sure of it. The way she kept giving me furtive glances and how she barely touch her cornflakes, she was troubled. The second I dropped her at the school, I drove straight to Kat’s house, prepared to let the floodgates open.
Only … they haven’t opened yet.
Since the moment Jerry hopped into his BMW and drove off, I’ve not shed even one tear. It’s strange, because I almost always sob after our arguments, despite how frequent they are.
‘I still can’t believe he pulled a stunt like that,’ Kat shakes her head angrily. ‘Sneaking around behind your back to put the house up for rent, it’s crazy! Can he even do that without your permission?’
Sighing, I pick at the chip on the handle of my mug. ‘The mortgage is in his name, not mine. He can do what he likes, and I have no say in it whatsoever. Now I don’t know what’s going to happen.’
Kat takes my empty cup and drops it into the sink with a clatter. ‘I’m sure it will be fine. Jerry isn’t going to leave you and Penny, he’s too set in his ways to start again. He’ll be back after work and the two of you will make up, like you always do.’
My cheeks flush with shame. I do come running to my sister whenever Jerry and I have a falling out, it’s true. It’s the same old story, Jerry hurts me, I cry it out with Kat, things go back to normal, rinse and repeat.
But this disagreement felt different. It felt more … permanent.
*
The rest of the day ticks along as normal - I spend hours tidying up the house, (it’s already immaculate, but I decide to completely reorganise the kitchen cupboards, mostly for something to do), pick Penny up from school, drop her at Mia’s for her piano lesson, then pick her up an hour later.
We have an easy dinner of cheesy pasta bake with garlic bread, then Penny goes up to the playroom with her new birthday toys, leaving me alone to wait for Jerry. I gnaw my nails down to the quick as I watch the clock on the mantle, counting the minutes, unable to concentrate on the TV before me. I’m in my own soap opera, and who knows what the next plot twist will be?
Though I expected him home around now, I still jump a mile high when the front door swings open at ten past six and Jerry strides through into the living room, not bothering to remove his shoes.
‘So, are you over your little tantrum?’ he asks curtly.
‘Tantrum?’ I spit the word out. ‘You told me we’re moving across the country and you’re renting out our family home, I think my reaction was completely reasonable.’
‘I thought you’d be pleased, but instead, you’ve been completely ungrateful. This job means more money, more cars, more holidays.’
‘Money doesn’t mean anything if we’re not happy, and we haven’t been happy for a long time. Neither of us have.’ I draw in a deep, cleansing sigh, and release what I’ve been holding in for years. ‘I can’t allow you to keep letting us down anymore, Jerry. I can’t allow this relationship to chip away at my spirit, breaking me down bit by bit. I can’t allow Penny to grow up thinking this is how a marriage should be. I can’t do that to either of us.’
‘So what are you saying?’ He barks. ‘You’re ending things, is that it?’
There’s a sickening pause. A million memories rush through my brain, clouding my judgment with nostalgia. Though my eyes fill with tears, I push them callously aside, needing clarity to make my choice.
And in an instant, I’ve made it.
‘Yes.’ I tell him flatly. ‘I’m ending it.’
‘Pah!I’d like to see you cope without me. You’ll be crawling on your knees, begging to come back.’
The words shower down on me like arrows, but I hold up my shield, trying to deflect the fears they bring. When I open my mouth to speak, I can’t seem to find my voice.
Jerry taps his foot expectantly. ‘Well?’
I gulp hard, my throat closing. ‘Well what?’
‘Well, if you’re going, go now! You’re the one who wants out of this marriage, so you’re the one who should leave. I paid for this house, remember?’
I blink at him, astonished by his harsh coldness. I know it’s because he thinks I’m bluffing, he’s waiting for me to apologise and plead for forgiveness. Part of me wants to, if only for Penny’s sake. But I can’t backtrack now.
‘Fine.’
‘You’re taking Penny, I presume?’
‘Of course.’ I raise my head high. ‘I’ll let you know where we’re staying.’
Jerry rolls his eyes. ‘A five-star hotel, I bet? At my expense. Or will you be couch-surfing at your sister’s? Think this through, Claire. You can’t survive without me.’
He’s trying to scare me, to make my doubt myself … and it’s almost working. I shake myself firmly from the inside, urging me to get a grip. You can’t give in now, you can’t give him the satisfaction.
‘I’ll be in touch.’
Too proud to ask for help, I lug the big holiday suitcase out of the attic by myself, scraping my knee on the ladder as I do. Standing in the middle of the bedroom, I dither over what to pack. The essentials like socks and knickers, sure, but what about my designer dresses? My perfumes, my jewellery, my make up? The case is roomy, but it’s not large enough to squeeze everything in. Somehow I’ve got to condense my entire life into a few choice items.
In the end, I shove several pairs of leggings and some sweatshirts into the case, reasoning there’s little point in taking my best togs with me. I pack a bag for Penny too, carefully folding in her favourite clothes and special toys, along with her books and colouring pencils.
The case bumps on every step as I drag it down the stairs. When I reach the downstairs hallway, Jerry sneers at me as he swirls a fresh glass of whiskey round and around.
‘Give me a call when you’re done throwing your toys out the pram, eh?’
I’d love to snatch that glass from his hand and throw the whiskey in his face, but I maintain my composure.
‘See you, Jerry.’
Trembling, I knock on the playroom door and poke my head inside. ‘Can I come in, sweetie?’
With an eager nod, Penny holds out one of her dollies. ‘Do you want to play school with me?’
‘I’d love to, but … but we’re going on an adventure, just you and me.’
She tilts her head in confusion. ‘An adventure?’
‘Yeah,’ I hesitate, unsure how much I should reveal. She’s only a kid, and I’m about to tear her whole world apart. ‘Like a little trip, just you and me.’
We leave that very moment. Jerry doesn’t even say goodbye to Penny, he stays up in his study, drinking himself into a stupor.
As I drive aimlessly around the streets, the realisation soaks into my skin. Jerry kicked us out. After all this time, it’s really over, and the panic begins to set in. Where are we going to live? He’s right, I can’t afford a flat on a part-time wage, I can barely afford to cover our groceries. We’ve got nowhere to go.
Frantic, I run through my options. There’s no way I can drive to Mum and Dad’s, they’ll tell me to suck it up and go with Jerry, I know they will. And I can’t turn up on Kat’s doorstep, she and Rob are in the middle of moving, I don’t want to disrupt their plans.
There’s only one place left that I can think to go.
I zoom across town, my fingers tapping tunelessly on the steering wheel until I pull up to a familiar semi-detached house. Desperate to keep it together, I help Penny out of the car and hand in hand, we walk up to the door and ring the bell. The short wait is excruciating, but after a couple of seconds, the door flings open to reveal a very surprised Mia.
‘Claire, Penny!’ Dumbfounded, she blinks as Hettie coils around her legs, mewing curiously.
‘Hi.’ Though I gulp hard, the huge lump in my throat remains lodged. ‘Can we stay the night?’