Chapter Twenty Three
There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
With my jaw clenched and my head held high, I stride over to meet my ex in the street, our daughter by my side. I can only hope he doesn’t notice the tremble of my lip, the dread in my eyes.
‘Daddy!’ Penny throws her arms around Jerry’s waist. ‘I’ve missed you so much.’
‘I’ve missed you too, sweetie.’ He pats her head fondly as if she’s a little dog. I almost freeze on the spot when he turns his attention to me. ‘Well?’ Jerry cocks his head in expectation. ‘Aren’t you going to ask me in?’
‘It’s not my place to,’ I reply pertly, trying to stand tall. ‘This is Mia’s house.’
‘Oh, please, Mummy!’ Penny begs, tugging insistently on my sleeve. ‘I sent my message to Daddy this morning, and he came! My message in a bottle brought him here!’
Her earnest admission makes my heart ache, I know how long she’s been working on her message in a bottle, and she truly believes it was answered. I waffle on the doorstep helplessly, wishing Mia was home.
‘I want Daddy to meet Hettie, and see our new room,’ Penny continues.
I bristle at the notion, but what am I supposed to do?
Reluctantly, I allow Jerry inside. While Penny drags him around the house by the hand, I put the kettle on, purely because I don’t know what else to do.
Why is he here? What does he want? The questions swirl round and round my mind in a nauseating whirlpool of unease and my hands shake as I turn on the tap, spraying water over my front.
Once Penny’s tour has concluded, I sit her in front of the TV with a banana sandwich and a glass of milk and beckon Jerry through to the kitchen.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ I hiss, though the adjoining door is shut and Penny probably can’t hear us. ‘How did you even know I was staying at Mia’s?’
‘Well, that’s a fine welcome.’ Jerry leans back in the chair as if he were in his own home. ‘I visited your parents’ house and they said you were here. At least Penelope is happy to see me.’
I almost slap him straight across his smug cheek. ‘She’s happy because she thought you were gone for good. She thought she was never going to see her father again.’
‘Oh, Claire, don’t be so dramatic!’ Jerry clucks his tongue. ‘I’ve been setting things up in Liverpool for us the last few weeks, it’s been a very busy time for me.’
‘Yeah? Well, me too.’
A satisfying flicker of confusion crosses Jerry’s face. ‘Doing what?’
‘Working.’
He barks a cruel laugh. ‘At your sister’s stupid parlour?’
‘There, and at Cassi Queen’s design studio.’
A delicious spark of gratification rolls through me once again when Jerry’s arrogant face suddenly goes slack-jawed. ‘That designer I bought you loads of clothes from?’
I purse my lips to hear him put it like that, but I hold onto my pride. ‘That’s right. I work part-time for her.’
‘Part-time?’ He shakes his head with a patronising chuckle. ‘Honey, that’s not a real job.’
His derision trips me up, and my cheeks flame. ‘Well, as I have to take care of our daughter, it’s best for me to work flexible hours. We can’t all be working over forty hours a week, you know. Besides, I supplement the income with my job at Kat’s Creams.’
‘Wow, looks like you’ve really got it made here,’ Jerry scorns. ‘Crashing in your mate’s spare bedroom, holding down two jobs and you’re still not able to make ends meet, you’re truly living the dream, Claire.’
I can’t let him get to me, Ican’t.
Wearily, I rub hard at my forehead. ‘What are you doing here, Jerry?’
‘I came back here because I wanted to give you a chance. Give us a chance.’ He reaches across the table and clasps my hands. ‘Come with me to Liverpool. You wait until you see the place I’ve got us, it’s amazing. A stunning penthouse flat with a hot tub on the balcony, a little playroom for Penny, a walk-in closet for all your fancy togs, the works.’
‘That’s not what I want, Jerry.’ I snatch my hands away. ‘Not anymore.’
‘What, you want this?’ He casts his arms over Mia’s modest kitchen. ‘This is your dream, Claire?’
I’m silent for just a few seconds, yet they feel like an eternity. Is this my dream? I could have never predicted I’d be living like this, pay cheque to pay cheque and without a place to call my own. And yet, there’s a delirious freedom to the chaos, a triumph in knowing I’m doing it by myself. I’m rekindling my love of fashion and pursuing a career I adore, something I’d never have done if I was still with Jerry. It’s not easy, none of it is, but it’s mine.
‘Yes.’ I wasn’t sure until the word left my lips, and the moment it does, I know it to be true. ‘It is.’
‘You’re a fool, Claire. A selfish fool. How can you deprive your daughter of the life I can offer her?’
I shrug. ‘Pay child support, and she won’t be in the least bit deprived.’
His mouth hangs slack, his eyes wide with shock. I’ve never been a shrinking violet, and yet, Jerry made the rules in our house. He’s not used to me standing up to him, telling it like it is. But when it comes to my daughter, I’ll fight tooth and nail to ensure she gets what she deserves.
‘Well, I can see I’m wasting my time here.’ He stands with such ferocity that the kitchen chair scrapes along the floor with a furious screech. ‘I’m going to say goodbye to Penelope, alright? Or do you have a problem with that, too?’
He doesn’t give me chance to answer, and storms out of the kitchen in search of our daughter. It’s a brief farewell, and before too long, I’m seeing him out as he hovers on the doorstep, stalling his departure.
‘You know, I really thought we could make this work.’ He looks up at me, suddenly seeming boyish. ‘But we couldn’t, could we?’
I shake my head. ‘No, I don’t think we can.’
He sighs and scratches at the back of his neck, the way he always does when he’s feeling awkward. ‘Well, I guess I’ll see you around.’
‘Yeah, see you, Jerry.’
And with that slightly cold exchange, my husband turns around and leaves, for the second time. And yet, it hurts a lot less this time around.
When I turn from the closed door, I find Penny standing behind me.
‘Is Daddy gone?’
Her voice quivers, and my heart shatters like glass. I choke back my sadness and force a smile to my lips.
‘Yes, darling. He had to go back home.’
‘Which home?’
‘His new home, in a far away city.’
‘Oh.’ Her shoulders drop and she looks around. ‘Is this our new home, Mummy?’
‘For now, it is. It’s kind of Mia to let us stay, isn’t it? But one day, hopefully soon, we’ll have a home all our own. It just takes some time to get there, that’s all.’
She’s quiet for a moment. ‘I wish things didn’t have to change. I wish Daddy didn’t have to go.’
I swallow down the lump in my throat. ‘I know, sweetheart. But things have to change sometimes. Daddy and Mummy … we were making each other sad.’
‘Why were you doing that?’
It’s a question I’m not sure how to answer.
‘We didn’t mean to, we tried hard to make each other happy, but the things Daddy thought would please me didn’t, and the things I thought would please him didn’t work, either. And when mummies and daddies are unhappy, it’s tough for them to be the best parents they can be for their children, and sometimes they are better when they are apart. Do you understand?’
Her brow screws up in deep thought and she nods. ‘I think so. But I still wish I could see Daddy again.’
‘I’m sure you’ll see him soon. Hey, won’t it be exciting to visit his new flat in Liverpool? I bet you’ll have your own room that you can decorate however you want.’
That brightens her mood, at least for now, and I leave her to watch Bambi in the living room while I put tea on for the two of us. It’s nothing special, just chicken dippers, potato croquettes and baked beans, but it’s comforting, and we both need that right now.
It’s only after I’ve settled Penny down for bed and I sit on sofa for a couple of silent minutes that it all hits me in one huge sucker punch to the gut, and I sob quietly into my hands. I’m not sure if these are tears of sadness, relief, or some combination of both. All I know is it’s over, it’s really over. There’s no reconciling this, all I can do is pick up the pieces and try to make a new picture.
Drawing in a shuddery breath, I wipe my eyes with my cardigan sleeve and sit back against the sofa, my spine straight and my head held high. It’ll be okay, I tell myself, you can do this. You have to do this.
All I’m left with is the gentle hum of Hettie’s purring and the bittersweet revelation that now, I’m really on my own. There’s no one to fall back on, no one to cover the bills, no one to help me take care of Penny, it’s all down to me.
And that’s okay … if a tiny bit terrifying.