Chapter Twenty Nine
There’s not a moment to lose.
I yank on my comfiest running shoes and bolt straight out of the front door, leaving Hettie meowing sleepily on the sofa.
I could drive, I suppose, but I don’t have time to faff about finding my car keys. This can’t wait, I have to get to the lighthouse now.
Grunting and sweating with effort, I jog through the town, stumbling over cobblestones and dodging out of the way of bewildered pedestrians. I have no idea what I’m going to say, what I’m going to do - but I have to trust that once I see Noah, it will become crystal clear.
I perhaps should have called to ask him to meet me in our usual place, but somehow I know he’ll be there, something inside calls to me, like the siren’s song.
Sure enough, when I wedge the warped door open and sprint up the spiral staircase, all out of breath and perspiring like a racehorse, I’m rewarded with the irresistible sight of Noah, sitting at the desk as he leaves through papers, his glasses perched on the end of his nose. He starts at the sudden disturbance, but he doesn’t rise to meet me. He stays where he is, eyes cast down at his research.
‘Hey.’ I can’t think of anything else to say, so I just loiter by the entryway, toeing the floor stupidly. I ran clear across town to be here, to tell Noah everything, but now that he’s right in front of me, my words fail me.
Noah refuses to look up from the desk, but at least he answers back. ‘Hey.’
Determined to make amends, I stop hiding in the corner and rush into the chamber, my heart open and ready to spill out all over his desk.
‘I’m sorry I was so frosty with you the other day when I left. I was stressed and scared and -’
‘I get it, Claire, it’s okay.’
I pause on the spot, my tongue tied for a spell before I manage to untangle it. ‘It … it is?’
‘Yeah.’ He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. ‘We’re friends, that’s all we are. And I’m fine with that. I read too much into it, that’s all.’
‘No, you didn’t!’ This is it, the confession that’s been boiling below the surface for weeks. I’ll simply burst if I don’t let it out now! ‘I want to be more than friends, I really do, it’s just …’
‘What?’ Noah rises from his seat, edges around the desk and stands in front of me. ‘What is it, Claire?’
‘My husband and I broke up last month,’ I blurt it out so fast, I’m not sure if Noah understands me, until the stunned expression on his face removes all doubt. ‘We’ve not even started the divorce proceedings yet.’
‘Ah.’ Noah shuffles in place awkwardly. ‘You never mentioned you were married. I guess I just assumed Penny’s dad had been out of the picture for a while.’
‘I should have said something, but I -’ Chewing my lower lip, I look down at my feet. ‘I didn’t want to face it.’
‘Face what?’
‘How I feel about you.’ I take one pace nearer, hardly daring to breathe. ‘Noah, I haven’t felt this way about anyone before, not even my husband when we first got together. You understand me, the real me. You see me.’
Noah takes my hands, his fingers entwining with mine. ‘Claire,’ he breathes my name softly, sweetly, like a sacred prayer spoken only between us two. I love how it sounds on his lips.
I close my eyes and drink in fresh air before continuing. ‘Before I broke up with Jerry, I didn’t have to worry about money or work, but I was miserable. My life felt empty, and I was starting to believe I was as shallow as everyone else seemed to think I was.’ The revelation stings more than I expected it to, but I force myself to continue. ‘But you’ve taught me so much about myself, things that have been deeply buried and forgotten about. You showed me what it means to be passionate, to put your all into your work, and to follow your dreams no matter what anyone else has to say about it. You made me feel brave, Noah.’
‘No.’ He brushes a strand of hair from my face. ‘You did that all on your own.’
He leans in close, close enough to breathe him in, and yet, I turn away.
‘But you see, I don’t want to hurt my daughter. I was so terrified about the two of you meeting. I needn’t have worried, it’s obvious she utterly adores you, but that makes me even more frightened.’
‘Why?’ he asks gently, his thumb caressing mine.
I tear my eyes from the window and bring them to him. ‘Because I don’t want her to get close to another man who might just leave us again.’
He nods. ‘I can respect that. But you know, your happiness is important too, Claire.’
‘I’m starting to realise that, but still, I have to protect my daughter. So I thought it was best to keep you at a distance, so I couldn’t fall any deeper than I already have.’
‘Listen Claire, I think Penny is a great little girl, but I’m not going to try to replace her father and play daddy with her, I’d never do that. You and she are a family, and I don’t want to do anything to disrupt that. I understand she comes first, and that’s that.’
‘Thank you,’ I whisper gratefully.
‘But you know, you and I can still have fun together. We can take things slow, I’ll wait until you’re ready for me to spend more time with Penny, and who knows where it could lead?’ This time when he pulls me closer, I don’t resist. ‘I think you’re an incredible woman, Claire. Whatever it takes, whatever you want, I’ll do it. All I know is that I want to be in your life.’
I’m struck dumb by his candour, his tender declaration, and I struggle to find the words to speak. Wrestling for composure, I strive to focus on what’s before me - Noah. There’s nothing and no one here but him; the sensation of his strong, deft fingers tangled in mine, the rhythm of his breath in the quiet, still chamber, the warm intensity of his gaze.
And all of a sudden, I know my answer.
‘I want that too.’
His arms circle my waist and lift me off the ground, into his fierce, fiery embrace. Our lips meet in a soft kiss, that slowly, naturally morphs into deep urgency and we simply collapse into each other. As he holds me close, I grip at Noah’s dark tumbling locks, never wanting to let go.
All the fears that plagued me, all the doubts that clouded my vision, they fall away like dust brushed from the cover of an old leather logbook …