Chapter 37
37
The sound of the door slamming reverberates through me, my heart colliding with my ribs, nausea hot in my throat as I reach for the wall to steady myself.
I’m back inside room 307, the walls lilting to the side before the horizon line of the windows settle and still. The air is warm around my bare arms, around my calves beneath the ivory of my dress.
I take a moment to breathe, to centre myself.
Everything is the same: the bed still unmade, James’s hoody on the bed, my clothes from last night.
I’m back.
Back to the morning where I marry James. A bubble of relief forms in my chest and I let out a small laugh. I didn’t lose him; I haven’t lost our life together, and more than that, I know that it doesn’t matter how our relationship started, because now I know , I know without any doubt that I love James. That we belong together. He loved me right from the start. He didn’t stay with me because he was picking up Kit’s mess, or because I needed him. He’s always loved me. And I love him, without question or doubt. I love him for the man he is, for the good in him. I love him because he is proud, and kind, that he is everything that is right in the world.
I can’t stop smiling. I need to tell him.
Kit.
His name shoots through me. What’s happened to Kit?
My hand scrambles for my clavicle.
The neckless has gone.
Did I change things? Did I save Kit? Is he back?
My eyes skitter and dash around the room again. The door opens, Ava stepping into the room. Her eyes are wary, upset.
‘Ava?’ She takes my hand, tears in her eyes.
‘He’s gone, Liv. James. He’s gone.’ The sound of the river pulses in my ears.
‘Gone? What do you mean gone ?’ Then I see the note in her other hand. ‘He left this for you. I’m so sorry, Liv.’
I take the letter.
Dear Liv,
I know you’re going to hate me for this. I hate me for this, but I knew that if I saw you, I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away.
Kit’s alive, Liv. And that changes everything. He’s staying at Mum and Dad’s. Go and find him. He needs you if he’s going to have the strength to put things right.
Kit is the love of your life. I’ve always known that; we’ve always known that.
I want you to know I love you and that no matter what you decide, I will understand. These past few years have been the happiest of my life but now you get a second chance. I want you to know that I will understand, that all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy .
But I think, right now, we both know that we need space.
I love you,
James
The letter falls from my hands.
I stride past her, run down the stairs. I ignore the rattling conversations coming out from the wedding suite. I run out of the hotel, pins and needles of rain pricking my bare skin, my feet pounding on the gravel; I turn in circles looking for him, running to the car park, Ava on my heels, but our car is gone. I ask for a phone. Ava puts hers in my hands and I dial his number. His phone is off.
‘Liv?’ I redial and redial. ‘Livvy?’ she says again, taking me by the shoulders. ‘He’s gone.’ Ava takes the phone from my hands as I sink to my knees, the gravel digging painfully into my knees, the rush of my wedding dress scratching against my skin.
He’s left me.
From behind, feet on gravel, Libby and Paige’s voices urgently whispering to Ava. I look up, the rain coming down in earnest now. Ava glances towards me, a look of sorrow and reluctance, the rain already darkening her hair. She crouches down in front of me. ‘Livvy?’ She takes my hand in hers, the bottom of her dress pooling around her knees. ‘I’m so sorry, but… but it’s your mum.’
‘Mum?’ I drag my eyes to hers, my reactions slow.
‘She’s had a fall.’