Chapter 4
FOUR
Lainey
Sixteen Years Ago
“ Y ou’re wearing that?” Penelope asked as she stood in the doorway of my room. “It’s a party, Lain. We’re not going to church.”
I glanced down my body at the simple boot-cut jeans and peasant-style top that I wore on the shoulders instead of off. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Everything.” She walked straight to my closet. Anything she touched came off the hanger and was thrown to the floor, followed by a snarky response. “No.” Throw . “No.” Fling. “Hell no.” Launch . “Definitely not.” Hurl . “Toss this. Ugh.” Until finally, “Okay, I can work with thisss .” She turned around. “This is what you’ll be wearing tonight.”
I eyed the pink dress that she held high in the air, shockingly still on its hanger. It wasn’t an outfit I’d bought. I had somehow ended up with it after a sleepover when we were still living in Manhattan. I kept meaning to mail it back to Krissy, whose dress it was, and I’d forgotten.
“That’s not what I’ll be wearing.”
“Can you imagine how Rhett will react when he sees you in it? That boy is gonna lose it. He won’t be able to keep his hands off you.” She sat on my bed and held it in my direction. “Put it on.”
She was right about Rhett. His eyes would probably bug out of his head if he saw me wear anything even close to that.
I’d been back in LA for about a week, and the only outfit he’d seen me in was the school uniform. But even when I wasn’t wearing the school-assigned khaki bottoms and polo top, I didn’t dress to stand out; I dressed for comfort. That was how I’d always been. And in the past, Rhett had never said anything about what I had on.
Why would it be any different now?
So, I replied to my sister, “No.”
I liked what I’d picked out to wear. I didn’t have any interest in putting on something tight and short that I’d have to pull down all night.
“Because?”
“Because it’s not me.” I took it from her hand and held it against her. “It’s way more you. Why don’t you wear it?”
She cocked her head to the side. “You don’t want to rock Rhett’s whole world?”
Every time she said his name, a tingle shot through my body, like the sparklers we lit for the Fourth of July, their endless stream of embers inside me.
My head shook. “I didn’t say that.”
“But you did by not wanting to wear the dress.” She eyed me down. “Girl, if you don’t want him in that way, I’ll take him.”
“You’re ridiculous.” I laughed. “I’m just saying, I don’t need to wear that to blow his mind.” I released the dress, and it fell into her lap. “I’ve been in love with that boy since the very first time I saw him our freshman year. You know that. But I don’t want to be someone I’m not and have him go all wild for that person. This is me, Pen. A girl who wears jeans and peasant tops.” I shrugged. “And if he wants me, then he’ll accept that.”
“What do you mean, if he wants you?” She stood from the end of my bed and started taking off her shorts and tube top, dropping both to put on the dress.
“I don’t know … Rhett and I haven’t talked about any of that yet.”
Sure, we’d spent some time together at school, in between classes and at lunch, and he’d called me a few times at night while I was doing my homework. But we hadn’t had the conversation of what things were going to look like now—if they were going to look like anything at all.
With the dress on, she moved in front of my mirror and looked at me through the reflection. “You haven’t?”
“We’ve only been in school for five days, Pen.”
She laughed. “So?”
“So, he might be a little angry that we went over two years without talking, and then I popped back into his life on a random Monday, one month before school ends. He’s probably just feeling things out and making sure I don’t disappear again. Or maybe he’s not interested in me at all.”
She snorted. “Have you seen the way he looks at you? Because I have, and I can tell you right now, he’s obsessed with you.”
“You really think so?”
“Don’t tell me you’re doubting the connection you guys have?”
He wasn’t even in the room, and he was affecting me. As far as a connection, I doubted nothing. We had one—we’d always had one. I just worried that I’d ruined things, and I wanted to talk to him about it when I saw him at the party tonight.
“Because if you are”—she pointed at her body—“you need to put on this dress right now.”
I waved her off. “I’m good.” She wasn’t convinced, so I added, “I swear.”
“You’re forgetting, as your twin, I have the ability to feel everything you’re feeling. When you’re nervous, I know.” She turned around and walked toward me. “When you’re happy, I know.” She put her hands on my shoulders. “When you’re doubting yourself, I’m doubting myself.”
I laughed. “Pen, you’ve never doubted yourself in your entire life.”
She smiled. “You’re right.”
“Wear the dress, and let’s go. Mom and Dad want us home by midnight, which means we have”—I looked at my watch—“four hours until we have to be home.”
“I just need to go find some heels. Give me two seconds.”
Once she was gone, I got in front of the mirror and straightened the shoulders of my shirt. I adjusted the top of my jeans, moving the button away from my belly button piercing—something Pen and I had gotten right before we left Manhattan. Since our parents would never give us their signed parental permission, Pen had charmed the piercer so much that he didn’t even ask for our IDs. I then ran my fingers through my hair, the curls bouncing as I reached the bottom, and I swiped the edges of my lips to wipe away the excess gloss.
I didn’t know how the nerves weren’t showing on my face. I could feel them throughout my whole body.
Part of me couldn’t wait for tonight to be over with. I wanted to spend time with Rhett. I just didn’t want to talk about us. I wanted to focus on whatever happened next—whether that was us together or apart.
“Ready!” Pen yelled from the hallway.
I took a deep breath and a final look at myself in the mirror, and I grabbed my bag and met her at the bottom of the stairs. Our parents had gone out to dinner, so there weren’t any questions to answer when I took the keys off the peg in the foyer and walked out to our car.
“Do you want me to drive there?” Pen asked. “Since we both know I won’t be driving home.”
I hit the button on the fob to unlock the car. “It’s okay. I don’t mind driving both ways.”
She smiled before she climbed into the passenger seat. “God, I love having a DD.”
“That’s the only thing I miss about New York.” I got in and started the car. “I didn’t have to cart your drunk ass around.”
“Don’t act like you do it all the time. This is the first party we’ve been to since we got to LA.”
I pulled out of the driveway and lowered the music. “You’re forgetting that I drove home from the mall two nights ago. You know, when you were so high that you were seeing double. Or did you forget that?”
“That doesn’t count.”
I laughed. “Why not?”
“Because if you had fed me, like I’d asked, I would have come down enough to drive.”
I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see them. “Mall Chinese food gives me a horrible stomachache.”
“No one said you had to eat it.”
“But you weren’t the only hungry one. I was too.” I turned at the next light, the GPS on my phone telling me we were only a few miles from the party.
“And your point is?”
I gave her a sideways glance. “I don’t even know. You’ve flipped the story so many times, I can’t even keep up.”
She turned up the music I’d just lowered. “One of my specialties. So … do we know who’s going to be there tonight, aside from Rhett? Hopefully, he’ll be bringing all his hottie friends.”
“I’m sure he’s not going to be there without them.” I looked at her again. “Why? Which one are you interested in?”
“All of them.”
I shook my head. “Pen …”
“Don’t Pen me. You know I’m only messing with you. In a year, I’ll be headed back to Manhattan to go to NYU, so there’s no reason to get tied to anything. I just want to have fun. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate one of his sexy friends in the meantime. Like Timothy—oh my God, he’s delicious. I don’t remember him being so hot two years ago.”
“I feel like everyone has changed since we left.”
“How lucky are you that Rhett’s single? I mean, a guy who looks like him? Just think of all the girls, especially the cheerleaders, who have thrown themselves at him. Star wide receiver, getting all the ass?—”
“I’d like to not think about that, thank you.”
The GPS alerted me that the house was only a few away, so I parked on the side of the road behind another car.
As I turned off the engine, Pen asked, “Does he know?”
I glanced across the front seat and studied her eyes. I didn’t know if it was a twin thing or if I just knew her so well, but I didn’t have to ask what she was talking about.
I shook my head. “No. He doesn’t know.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
I chewed my lip, tasting the gloss. “I don’t know.”
“Tell him, Lain.” Her fingers bit into my arm. “It’ll matter to him.”
“Or it’ll make me look completely pathetic.”
She nodded toward my door. “There’s only one way we’ll know the answer to that. Now, get out and go see your boy.”
I drew in a deep breath, securing my bag across my body, and I stepped onto the pavement. Looping our arms, we made our way down the sidewalk toward Alyssa’s house—a place I’d never been before.
This party wasn’t a secret, nor did it have a limited guest list.
During Trig, Alyssa had invited the entire class, and word spread throughout the school. By the time I got to lunch, the whole cafeteria was talking about it. I didn’t think much about it until Rhett said he was going and he wanted me to come too.
That was when I knew I couldn’t miss it.
And I didn’t have to convince Penelope to come. By the time we’d gotten to our car after school, she had already told me we were going.
We headed up the walkway and climbed the front steps.
“Should we ring the bell?”
“Hell no.” She opened the door.
My ears filled with music, and there were people everywhere, crowding the foyer and living room—the only two rooms I could see from the doorway.
“Come on.” She squeezed my arm as we went inside. “Let’s go get a drink.”
“You mean, let’s go get you a drink. I’m driving.”
“Whatever,” she groaned.
We weren’t more than a few paces past the living room when I connected eyes with Rhett. He was standing at the back of the house with a red plastic cup in his hand and a backward baseball hat on his head. He had on a short-sleeved button-down, the first few buttons undone, and the sleeves were tight around the top of his arms, showing off his muscles. I couldn’t see what he had on below his waist—my eyes wouldn’t go that far.
They didn’t want to leave his.
My stare was as frozen as my feet.
“Lain, come on,” Pen said.
I heard her talking, and I felt the tug of her arm. I just wasn’t going anywhere.
“ Oh , I see. He’s here, and he’s got his eyes on you, girl,” she said. “All right, I’m going to go hunt for the keg. You and lover boy go find a nest somewhere. Come find me when it’s time to make our curfew.”
As soon as she was gone, a half smile came across Rhett’s face, like he was satisfied with what he saw, but there was a hint of mystery mixed into his expression. He lifted the cup to his lips, watching me as he swallowed, his throat bobbing after he pulled the plastic away from his mouth.
What is he thinking about?
Even from all the way over here, I could see the color of his eyes. The icy blue glowed, no matter what kind of light he was in. Pieces of his thick black hair stuck out of the back hole of his hat, and the same color scruff was dusted across parts of his cheeks—things I noticed because I had been so overwhelmed by his gaze that I needed to focus on something besides his eyes.
Why can’t I breathe?
Why is the most foreign feeling running through my whole body?
And why does it feel completely normal to stare at him while loitering in a room packed full of people as music blasted around us?
I knew that answer.
I’d known it since gym class freshman year, when I first spotted him. He wasn’t supposed to be at the front of the net while we were playing volleyball. It was his turn to serve. But I noticed that he switched with his friend, and the next time he was supposed to rotate, he switched with someone else. And when class was over, he came up to me before I got to the locker room and asked my name. The drip of sweat that was falling down my cheek never hit my neck.
Because he’d caught it.
Now, as he gazed at me, he handed his cup to one of his friends and began to walk toward me.
The air suddenly seemed so thick; I couldn’t fill my nose. There was a tingling in the back of my throat, and it moved to my chest and my hands. My fingers clenched, released, clenched, and with each pump, sweat bled through my skin.
With the length of his stride, it only took a few paces before he reached me.
But he didn’t stop once he was close.
Instead, his fingers linked with mine, causing a spark to shoot through my body, and he led me to the staircase on the other side of the house, positioning me in front of him so I climbed first and he stayed behind me. At the top, he switched our order again, guiding me down a short hallway, opening one of the doors at the end and closing it behind us.
Pitch-black darkness. That was all I saw.
But even in here, the air hadn’t thinned. The temperature was cooler, doing nothing to settle what was happening inside me. The nerves were peaking, my chest heaving even though it didn’t feel like I was breathing at all.
“I’m right here.” He touched my waist, rubbing as high as my ribs, causing my breath to hitch. “Where the hell is the light switch?” His fingers tapped the wall. “There it is.” He smiled as it flicked on. “Not that I mind the dark. I just can’t see you, and I fucking love seeing you.” He took a seat on the bed, which made me realize we were in a bedroom. I hadn’t noticed a single detail in here except for him. “You came. I wasn’t sure you would.”
I shoved my hands into my pockets. “Why?”
“This isn’t your scene.”
“You don’t think so?”
“A party this size? No. A handful of friends hanging out? Yes.”
I laughed because he was right, but also because I was so surprised he was right. “Small settings feel better.”
“Why did you come, Lainey? If you tell me it was to chaperone Penelope, I won’t believe you—although she needs to be chaperoned if she’s as wild now as she was a couple of years ago.”
“Oh, she is. Maybe even more so.”
“Then, I’d bet a twenty that, right now, she’s doing a keg stand downstairs.”
“I can almost guarantee that she is.”
I didn’t like where I was standing—or that I was standing at all. I felt like I was on a stage with a spotlight shining over me, and that thought made me shiver. So, I joined Rhett on the bed but sat toward the foot, whereas he was near the head. I folded my hands in my lap, and when that didn’t feel right, I set my palms on the blanket.
“I came because I wanted to talk to you.”
“Good. That’s what I wanted to hear. But if you tell me you’re moving again, I’ll need about ten more beers before we have that conversation.”
My hair fell into my face when my head shook. “I’m not going anywhere until college.”
“Then, what is this about?”
I filled my cheeks with air. “I feel like I owe you an apology. You know, about me leaving and never reaching out. I know we talked about it a little on my first day back, but I didn’t tell you I was sorry. That I was wrong. That I couldn’t keep in touch with you …”
His arms were behind him, holding his weight, forcing his torso to recline back. “Couldn’t? Or wouldn’t?”
“This is going to sound crazy.” While I waited for the courage to come, I chewed on my lip.
“You want to hear crazy? You should hear my thoughts right now …”
I wanted to ask what they were. But if I did, I didn’t know if we’d ever circle back, and I needed to get this out.
“When we moved, I was so furious with my parents. I didn’t speak to them for a month. I wouldn’t even leave my room unless it was to go to school. I despised them for making me go to Manhattan. And Penelope, she tried everything she could to get me to go out,” I said, ignoring his last comment. “She even came into my room one night and spiked my Diet Coke, hoping it would loosen me up enough that I’d leave.”
“Did it?”
“The second I tasted the vodka, I flushed it down the toilet and locked her out.”
“Hard-ass.”
I sighed. “I was miserable, Rhett.”
“I don’t like hearing that.” He extended his leg and rubbed it against mine. “Was it because they had taken you away from everything you knew?”
“It was because they had taken me away from you.” My chin dropped, and I looked at my lap. “I know we were together for just a few months, and I was only fifteen years old, and in most people’s minds, they’d think that’s ridiculous. I was practically a baby. But to me, it was everything.” I looked up. “You were everything.”
“Lainey …”
“After a month of my not speaking to my parents, my dad came into my room to talk to me—which he’d done before, but I wouldn’t open up. This time, I was finally ready to get everything off my chest, and I told him I wanted him to let me go home. I’d live with a friend or family member—anyone—but I wasn’t going to stay in New York.” I wiped my hands on my thighs and wrapped my arms around my stomach. “He wouldn’t let me. He said I needed to tough it out, he wouldn’t give me any other choice. But he made me a promise and said he’d do everything in his power to prove himself to the New York office so he’d be offered the CEO position in LA. In return, he wanted me to stop sitting around and moping, to enjoy my time in New York.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this back then?”
“I didn’t know if it would happen, or if Dad would keep his promise, or if the LA office would even give him the promotion—there were so many things out of my control.” I tightened my grip on my stomach. “When it eventually came through, Dad wanted us to stay in Manhattan and finish the last month of the school year and move here during the summer.” I let out a huff. “There wasn’t a chance in hell that was going to happen. We arrived in LA last Sunday night, and I was at school on Monday morning.”
His stare intensified. “You did everything you could to come back to me.”
I thought of the conversation I’d had with my sister in the car.
She’d told me to tell him.
But I felt like such an idiot.
This time, when I drew in air, I held it in. “There’s more … I haven’t told you everything.”
“What do you mean?”
I rocked over the bed, hoping the swaying would ease the feeling in my chest. “The whole time I was there, I didn’t date anyone. I was asked out plenty, but I couldn’t do it. It didn’t feel right. They weren’t right.” I slowly let out the air through my lips. “They weren’t … you.”
As soon as I reached forward, his arms moved from behind him to in front of him, and he grabbed my hand as though he’d been waiting for it.
“The first kiss I ever had, Rhett, was with you in that janitor’s closet.”
When he scanned my eyes, the movement was gradual. He wasn’t just looking at them; he was looking through them. “Hold on a second.” He went silent. “You really didn’t date anyone while you were there?”
“No.”
“And I was really your first kiss?”
“Yes. Really.” I wanted to die at the thought of saying the word, but I had to. “I’m a virgin.”
He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. “You were waiting for me.”
“I wouldn’t be happy with anyone but you.” The emotion came into my throat. “I knew that at fifteen, and I know that now at seventeen. I was coming back, no matter what, however long it took. But I wouldn’t keep you dangling—because for me, that was torture, and I wouldn’t put you through it.”
His stare covered my whole face. I even felt it on my ears.
“All this time, all you wanted was me.” His head shook. “And all this time, I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.” He pulled my hand until he had more of my arm, and then he slid me closer.
With inches separating us, he traced his thumb around my lips. “I’m the only one who’s ever had these.” He wasn’t questioning. It was like he was saying it out loud so it would stick in his head.
“I looked for you”—his voice turned gritty—“in every girl who talked to me, who walked by, who sat next to me in class. I looked to see if there were similarities, if there was even a tiny resemblance.” His stare shifted to my mouth. “Not a single one could live up to you.”
I held his wrist while he touched me. “Do you know how many times I dreamed of these fingers on my face?” I wasn’t sure if I’d voiced those words or if my thoughts were screaming so loud that it just felt like I’d spoken.
“I want to tell you something.” When he exhaled, his breath came out hard.
The nerves didn’t settle when I nodded.
Whatever was about to come out of his mouth could either break my heart or fill it.
His fingers stretched out across my cheek, his thumb pressing along the side of my mouth. “It’s always been you.” He moved his face closer. “And, Lainey, it will always be you.”