18. Simon
Oliver: Earth to Simon. You alive?
Ilook at my phone and toss it back on my couch, not wanting to deal with Oliver’s antics today. That is, until the incessant buzzing of text messages coming through leaves me no choice but to read whatever the hell my friends are saying.
Shane: We saw him last night. He’s fine.
Wes: But is he? I called his bluff, and he didn’t even flip a table.
Shane: True. And he left strangely early. I bet he was going to see a certain person…
Oliver: Oh! Did you? Did you go see Charlie? Did something happen? I only ask because you are strangely silent, and I don’t know how to handle this version of Simon Banks.
Wes: Guys, this is huge. Simon’s in his feelings about a woman.
Shane: Now, let’s not jump to conclusions. We don’t know if this about Bug. He could have just scuffed his new shoes.
I furiously start typing.
Simon: Quit calling her Bug. I’m the only one who calls her that. You hear me?
Shane: There it is. Thought that would get your attention…
Fucker. I played right into his hands.
Oliver: We’re coming over.
Simon: No, you aren’t.
Wes: Yes, we are. You’ve done this for us, now it’s time to return the favor.
Simon: The doors are locked, and I’m not letting you in.
Shane: The man who has keys to all our houses thinks we don’t have one for his? Put on pants. We’ll be over in twenty.
Like clockwork, twenty minutes later my three best friends are standing in front of me, staring at me in a way they never have before.
Disbelief.
Curiosity.
Pity.
That one’s the worst.
“Fuck,” Shane says. “Have you slept?”
“Are those the clothes you had on last night?”
I nod as everyone takes a seat around me in my living room. “No and yes.”
“Fuck,” Shane says. “It’s worse than we thought.”
“I’ll call for food to be delivered,” Wes says.
“I’ll go make sure he has booze,” Shane adds with a heavy sigh.
Oliver pulls out his phone. “I’ll text the girls and tell them we’ll be a while.”
Even in my exhaustion, I can’t help but feel grateful at my three best friends dropping everything to come here. They’re right that I’ve done it for them. We all have. I guess I never realized it would one day be my turn.
Though in my defense, this is only happening because Charlie is back in my life. Women don’t get under my skin. I’ve never met one who made me want more. I could never see myself with anyone past one night. No one held my interest long enough, or made me give a fuck.
But I do with Charlie. Or I did. Fuck I don’t know. After last night, I don’t know anything anymore.
For years I thought it was me. That I did something wrong. She made me wonder and question everything about myself, only to find out it was because of a misunderstanding I never knew happened.
If only I would’ve showered ten minutes later. Or my sister would’ve remembered a fucking sleep shirt. Or that the cops wouldn’t have been called the night before. There are so many little things that could’ve changed the course of history.
But no. They happened. And here we are. Fifteen years lost and a mix of emotions that I don’t know how to fucking process.
“Okay,” Oliver says, sitting by me on the couch as Wes and Shane take their seats in the two chairs I have in my living room. “What happened?”
I sit back, my head to the ceiling as I try to decide where to start. “You know the saying about being careful what you wish for?”
“Oh shit,” Wes says. “I take it that you finally got your answer?”
I nod. “Yup. And it’s made me question everything.”
My friends intently listen as I tell them about last night. I leave out the part where I thought we were going to kiss again and go straight for the reason I look and smell like a dirty sock. When I get to the bomb—the one that still has me rattled—I watch each of their reactions almost in slow motion. Dropped jaws, wide eyes, open mouths that aren’t making any sounds.
At least I know what I likely looked like last night when Charlie was recounting this fateful night.
“So that’s it,” I say. “She saw Maeve, and it scared her off. Charlie didn’t know she was in town—I don’t even think she knew I had a sister—saw her in my shirt, and that was that. Add that on top of the shit with her mom, and poof, Charlie was mist in the wind.”
“Wow,” Oliver says. “I can’t imagine what she was going through. Mom dying and becoming a guardian to your sibling? That has to be tough.”
I snap a look at him. “You’re taking her side?”
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t say that. I meant I could see that she was going through a lot, and, shockingly, she has a point in this story.”
“You have to admit, it didn’t look good,” Wes says. “Maeve is a beautiful woman.”
“Don’t fucking talk about my sister,” I snap.
“You know that’s not what I meant. I’m just saying, just on looks, I can see where the confusion happened. Imagine if you went to her place and saw a shirtless, good-looking guy.”
I grind my teeth, not wanting to agree with his point.
“Fine. Let’s go with that for a second. The question still remains, why didn’t she ask me? Confront me? Why did she just run?”
“Her Mom was dying, you fuckhead!” Shane yells. “You expect to be on the top of her mind when she was losing her only fucking parent!”
“I know,” I say, and I do. And I know my words aren’t coming out right, but I have so many feelings and emotions that things are getting twisted. “I could have been there. I should have been there. This all could have been fucking solved if she just would have?—”
“What?” Shane stands up, which is how I know he’s about to tough-love me. “She was hurt, Simon. She thought you hurt her. Whether you did or not, that was what she was feeling. And you can’t take that away from her.”
“Fuck!” I yell, because he’s right. “But she had to know that I wouldn’t have done that to her! Why did she just assume that I would kiss her and then turn around and hook up with someone else?”
“Because sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Shockingly, not everything is about Simon Banks.”
Shane’s words hit me like a semi.
He’s right.
Back then, when Charlie would turn me down, I wondered what she didn’t like about me. She would never give me the time of day, but would date other guys.
After she ghosted me, I thought the same thing. What did I do that made her run?
Maybe if I would’ve taken five seconds to think about someone other than myself, I would’ve realized this wasn’t about me. It was about her. About her insecurities. About how she thought she was so different from me. Or other girls.
Girls like my sister and her friends.
She tried to tell me so many times how she felt. Even that night on the roof. And I heard her. I did.
But maybe I didn’t…
“Dammit,” I say, sitting back down and holding my head between my hands. “This is so fucking jacked up.”
“It is,” Oliver says. “Imagine after all these years learning that, in a minute, your entire life changed.”
“That’s what I can’t stop thinking about. The what-ifs. What if the cops hadn’t come? What if we could’ve stayed on that roof all night? What if Maeve and her friends hadn’t come to town? What if her mom hadn’t been sick?”
Oliver clears his throat. “Or… What if this is how it was supposed to happen?”
Oh, please. “I’m not in the mood for your glass-half-full bullshit.”
“Just hear me out,” he says. “You can’t change the past. So there’s no point in dwelling. You could what-if yourself to death, and it looks like you’re already halfway there.”
“Make your point, Oliver.”
“What I’m saying is, maybe you two weren’t ready for each other back then. You have no idea what would’ve happened if you were together when her mom passed away. A death like that takes a toll on people in ways you can’t fathom. Add in the fact that she had to become her brother’s guardian? Come on, Simon. You two wouldn’t have survived that.”
“Yes, we would have.”
“You don’t know that and don’t pretend to,” Wes chimes in. “What Oliver is trying to say is that you both were young and in situations that neither of you could have handled with skill. And rightfully so. You were young and dumb and president of your frat. She was suddenly responsible for a household. Tell me those are good odds?”
Why are all my friends being right today? It’s fucking bullshit.
“This just…ah!” I yell as I pull at my hair. “I’m just so mad.”
“That’s valid,” Shane says. “No one’s telling you not to be mad. But, let’s go a layer deeper. What specifically are you mad about?”
I look over to him. “When did you become a shrink?”
“Humor me.”
“I’m…” I trail off because I suddenly realize I need to think about this. “I’m mad that she assumed.”
“Fair. What else?”
“I’m mad that I couldn’t help her. I’m mad that I couldn’t make her see how much I cared about her. I’m mad that she didn’t see herself like I did. And I’m mad that she had a really hard fucking life and I wasn’t there for her. I’m mad that she was forced to become so damn independent when I could have made it easier on her. I’m mad that I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. And I’m mad we’ve wasted years because of one fucking dumbass moment that changed the course of history.”
I look up from my monologue to see three sets of eyes looking at me like I’m the only one who doesn’t know the answer.
“What?”
“Go to her,” Wes says. “Tell her everything you just told us.”
“Really?”
Oliver pats my leg. “Yes, really. You said once you got your answer, you could move on. Now you have your answer. Now you can move on, with each other. Or at least you can give it an honest try.”
I think about that for a second. I don’t know why that never occurred to me. I figured once I knew what happened, I’d want nothing to do with her. That anything I felt would be washed away.
I was wrong. So wrong.
“You like her, that much is clear,” Shane says.
“How do you know?”
“I knew that day when Mona introduced her to the town. Because Simon Banks doesn’t stare. He doesn’t step out of the spotlight for a person. Not unless he cares for them.”
Damn, he’s right…
“You wondered what happened all those years ago. Don’t spend the next fifteen wondering what could have been.”