CHAPTER 8 #2
“I had thought I’d cried myself out,” Johnny mumbled. “I was hoping you wouldn’t have to see me like this.”
“You think I haven’t seen a drunk man cry before?” Victor asked, and Johnny snorted a laugh. “Johnny, you were practically in tears over Daisy after that rodeo, remember?”
“Yeah, well.” Johnny sniffed and wiped at his cheeks. “Daddy woulda kicked my ass over that, too.”
“Your dad’s not here. I am. You can cry all day long and it doesn’t matter one bit to me.”
Johnny fell quiet, trying to stifle his hiccups. Victor wondered if he’d said something wrong before Johnny finally faced him, eyes bloodshot and swollen, one trail of tears on his jaw still fresh. He looked like shit.
“You’re a good guy, Vic. You know that?” Johnny reached and wrapped a strong hand around Victor’s bicep and gave it a squeeze. “They don’t make many like ya.”
“I could say the same of you.”
“I’m a fuckin’ wreck.” Johnny pulled away and sighed, pulling a crumpled paper towel out of his jeans pocket to dab at his face.
“My life’s a mess. I’m a lil jealous of ya.
The way you’ve got everything together. You’re so calm and cool.
You know how many single guys at thirty have their life in order? One. You. That’s it.”
“I—that’s not true.”
“Every guy I know with his shit together is married. Us bachelors are fuckin’ losers. ‘Cept you, I guess.”
Victor had to laugh, even if he didn’t agree. “I don’t think you’re a loser.”
“Well, you don’t know everythin’ about me.”
“I know you were good enough at bronc riding to make a career of it. Not many can say that.”
Johnny chuckled. “Ain’t no sane man in rodeo, and every rodeo man you ask will tell ya the same thing. You don’t get on the back of a wild horse ‘less a bit of you wants to die. Happy men don’t do that. Happy men date their high school sweethearts and get jobs as… I dunno, plumbers.”
“I do think you’re crazy for riding rodeo. But I don’t think it makes you a loser.”
“Sure it does. Most people wanna have meaning in their life, they have kids or travel or fuck girls or whatever. The only meaning I had was on top of a bucking horse. Those eight seconds were the only seconds that mattered. It was the only time I felt…” He trailed off, blinking slowly.
“Alive? Free? Somethin’. Didn’t need to be drugged up or nothin’ to feel high.
But you only get it for a few seconds. Then life is real again, and you’re getting’ trampled under the hooves of a feral animal.
” He squeezed his arms between his knees.
“Too much of my life was spent chasing those eight seconds and tryin’ to forget all the rest of it.
It caught up with me eventually.” He tipped his head as a way of gesturing to his facial scars.
“Now I got nothin’. Spent all the money I made on medical bills and rehab, and I’m back to square one.
Worse than square one. On square one I had my horse. ”
“You have the other two.”
“Yeah. Can’t ride either of ‘em though. Lou’s got arthritis, and Captain had a shoulder injury that turned her into a pasture pet.
Captain’s still young enough to breed, so maybe I should do that.
” He sighed. “I love both of them, but ain’t no horse like Colonel.
She was up there strugglin’ and kickin’ but when I showed up, she just…
stopped. She trusted me. She—” His voice thinned out, and he sniffed. “She trusted me and I did her in.”
“You did the right thing.”
“Don’t feel like it.”
Victor once again quelled a strong urge to touch him. “What’d you do with the body?”
“They said they could bury her on the property. Didn’t want to do that cuz who knows how long I’ll be workin’ this job, but I ain’t got the money to have a horse cremated. I cut off her mane and tail so I’d have those at least.”
“Why’d you pull off to the side of the road to cry and get drunk about this?”
Johnny snorted. “Just wanted to be alone for a bit.”
“You couldn’t drink and cry at home?”
“I got pictures of me ‘n her at home. Felt best to just pull over and feel it all someplace neutral. I wasn’t gonna drive anywhere drunk.”
“Mhm.”
“I try not to do that.”
“Right.”
Johnny reached out to rub the base of Bailey’s tail, and she wiggled her butt in appreciation. Johnny smiled slightly, though the sadness remained.
Beyond the porch, the crickets’ chorus was going strong.
Victor loved quiet summer nights in the country like this, even if they were muggier than he’d grown up with.
He liked having Johnny here, too. As frustrating as he could be, his presence was better than his absence, and that wasn’t true for most people Victor met.
“You want to stay the night?” Victor asked, even though he’d fully planned on Johnny staying.
“I ain’t gonna impose myself on ya.”
“I don’t mind. Seriously.”
“If you don’t mind, then I don’t either.” Johnny’s lips tweaked up once he caught Victor’s gaze. “I’m gonna be crankier when I’m fully sober.”
Victor stood, and both dogs swarmed around his legs. “I think I can handle it.”
Johnny pushed himself to his feet and followed Victor into the house, leaving the crickets behind.