CHAPTER 23 #2
Victor tried to think of something to say as Johnny headed for the door.
It wasn’t right to leave things like this between them, all raw and torn open without any acknowledgement of how to deal with what Johnny had come here to argue about.
Victor felt like the only way to draw him back would be to do or say something drastic.
Johnny had been painfully honest with Victor.
Maybe it was finally time to return the favor.
“Johnny,” Victor said just as Johnny reached for the hotel room door. When Johnny paused and looked at him over his shoulder, Victor swallowed down the lump in his throat, closed his eyes to draw up the courage, and said, “There’s something I have to tell you.”
“Yeah?” Johnny turned slightly more toward Victor, sensing the fear in Victor’s voice perhaps. “Somethin’ wrong?”
“It’s not an easy thing to admit,” Victor muttered, doing his best to maintain eye contact with Johnny.
“Because the current climate around this is scary at best. You’ve been honest with me, so I’m going to be honest with you.
” Victor sucked in a deep breath and clenched his shaking hands into fists in hopes of steadying them.
He could feel his heart thumping between his ears.
“So I’m just going to say it. I’m—I’m a transgender man. ”
There was a long pause, and Johnny’s expression barely changed. Victor took tiny sips of breath through his mouth as his whole body tensed like it might before a fight. His palms were already sweating.
“You’re… what?”
“I’m a transgender man,” Victor said barely above a whisper.
Johnny pursed his lips, face pinched. Finally it seemed to dawn on him, and confusion turned into wide-eyed bafflement. He took another few steps closer, neck stretched forward and head tilted.
“Are you sayin’ you wanna be a woman?” Johnny finally said.
Victor held back an explosive snort of laughter, his diaphragm quivering. He might have replied if he thought he could do it without giggling.
Johnny gave Victor a skeptical once-over. “No offense, Vic, but I can’t see you as a woman.”
The laugh finally emerged with a burst of air, and Victor pressed a hand to his mouth to keep it from taking over.
Johnny’s consternation deepened as Victor’s laughter rolled out of him, fueled by tension leaving his body.
When he finally got a hold of himself, he said, “I’m not a trans woman, Johnny. I’m a trans man.”
“Wait. You mean…?” It was clear none of it was registering behind Johnny’s eyes, and Victor wanted to laugh again. The man was completely unplugged from the cultural hysteria around gender identity, and Victor sent a word of thanks to the gods for making Johnny so oblivious to current events.
“I was assigned female at birth,” Victor explained, but again, Johnny wasn’t understanding. So Victor decided to use some less acceptable language to get his point across. “I was born a woman.”
It finally hit him. His eyes flew wide, his mouth parted in shock, and he gave Victor a few baffled once-overs before confusion set in again. “But… but you ain’t got…” He made a grabbing motion with his hands over his chest, implying what Victor assumed to be breasts.
“I had them removed years ago.”
“They can do that?”
“It’s not an easy process, but basically, yes.”
Johnny stared at him for a few seconds before continuing. “But your voice, and you’ve got hair on your face—I’ve seen that!”
“I take testosterone. I give myself shots.”
Johnny let out a bewildered snort, performed a pirouette on one heel, then held his head with both hands before saying, “So that’s what all those needles in your bathroom were for.”
“What? What were you doing snooping around my bathroom?”
“I was lookin’ for some Tylenol for a hangover, that’s all. I didn’t say anything cuz I wondered if you might be diabetic, but I also thought you might be… you know. On drugs or something.”
“Seriously?”
“Well, what was I supposed to think!? You had a lot of bottles and needles and shit in your cabinet. I would have never thought—I mean, who would? This is… I gotta sit down.” Johnny staggered over to the bed and collapsed onto the edge, running a hand through his hair.
He then twisted to look at Victor. “So these drugs you’re on give you a beard and all that? ”
“Yeah. It’s just like going through male puberty. Low voice, body hair, the whole works.”
“But…” Johnny’s gaze darted down to Victor’s belt. “It don’t give you a dick, does it?”
Victor could have explained what testosterone did to a clit but he figured they could cover that if or when Johnny was ready to interact with it. “No. You can get one surgically but I haven’t had that done.”
“They can give you a dick now?”
Victor sighed. “I don’t know much about it. I’ve never been that interested in getting one.” It was expensive, and the details of the surgery made him wary. Just wearing a packer convinced him what a pain an extra appendage could be, especially if he spent all day straddling a horse.
“Goddamn it, Vic, this is too fuckin’ much for me right now.” Johnny dropped his face into his hands a second, rubbing his cheeks. Then he suddenly straightened and twisted to face Victor. “Wait, is Victor even your real name?”
“Yes,” Victor said, tone firm.
“But you weren’t born Victor.”
“It’s Victor,” Victor repeated.
“Why the hell would you wanna be a man? Ain’t much to write home about if you ask me.”
“I can’t possibly explain it in a way you’d understand, so just accept the fact that this is who I am and I’m happier like this than I ever was before my transition.”
“You’re right about me not understandin’. I’ve heard about this goin’ the other way—you know, men wantin’ to be women—but I ain’t ever heard about a woman wantin’ to be a man.”
“Why is that so shocking to you?”
“I don’t know, but it is!” Johnny let out a frustrated sigh. “You coulda told me all this earlier, ya know. How long were you plannin’ on hidin’ it from me? You sucked my dick, for God’s sake.”
“I should have told you earlier, but it’s not really an easy thing to come out about. Plus I have to worry about my own safety. I didn’t know how you’d react.”
Johnny’s eyes narrowed again. “Your own safety? What’d you think I’d do, beat your ass?”
“You’re not always easy to read.”
“I ain’t angry, I’m confused. None of this makes a lick of sense to me. Here I was thinkin’ I knew you, but I guess I don’t know you at all.”
“You do know me. This doesn’t change anything about who I am.”
“It changes some things! I was thinkin’ you were a real man.”
“I am a real man!” Victor snapped, both angry and pained that he had to defend himself like this.
“You weren’t born one.”
“Why the fuck does that matter? Are you the same person now as you were when you were a newborn?”
“Christ, Vic, don’t make this sound more complicated than it needs to be.
I… I just need some time to think about this.
Tonight’s been too much for me.” Johnny pushed himself to a stand, taking a few steps toward the hotel room door.
He stopped, paused, and pivoted to look at Victor.
He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, then shook his head and turned back around.
“Johnny,” Victor pleaded at Johnny’s retreating back, and Johnny looked at him over his shoulder without saying anything. “Don’t just walk away. I need to know you don’t hate me.”
Johnny seemed genuinely perplexed for a second. “I don’t hate you. Why would you think that?”
“Because you seem angry.”
“I’m angry cuz I thought I knew who you were, but now I don’t. I guess I’m just…” He trailed off in thought. “Disappointed.”
“About what?” Victor asked, voice thin.
“Listen, I have no clue about anythin’ right now. I need to fuckin’ sleep on it.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”
“So am I.”
“Can we meet up tomorrow or the day after to talk more about this?”
“I’ll think about it,” Johnny replied, then walked out of the room without another look back.
Victor stood there staring at the hotel room door, willing Johnny to return to assure Victor that this wouldn’t change anything between them.
But he didn’t, and eventually Victor collapsed into a slumped sit on the edge of the bed, terrified that his confession might have just fucked this relationship up beyond repair.