Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Knox
L ately, I’ve dreaded family dinners.
Secrets aren’t something we keep from one another, and keeping one this big is eating me alive.
Every time I think my shame is waning, it raises its ugly head, and I can’t find the words I need to say.
Looking around the table, at the faces who mean so much to me, I know this is a safe place.
They may have questions, but they will have my back.
After the way Ryan and my mom responded, I feel even more certain, so why can’t I tell them?
As she crosses my mind, Ryan enters the room.
Her usual spark dim as she takes a seat at the far end of the table.
Kristen leans over to speak to her, and she replies, but isn’t fully engaged.
For a moment I wonder if her mood is a result of the way I left her at the cafe, but even my ego knows it’s more than that.
She looks like she’s been crying and with what little I know about this woman, I doubt she would be crying over the likes of me.
Staring at her empty plate, she pays no attention to the conversation going on around her.
I fidget with my fork to occupy myself, as my heart thunders against my chest. She looks like someone has taken her heart out of her chest and stomped it to bits.
I want to scoop her up and take her somewhere far away.
When Anna distracts Kristen, the forlorn redhead sneaks out of the room without a word. Not following her is a lesson in restraint I’m barely passing. The sight of her purse still hanging from the back of her chair eases my mind. It means she’ll be back, and that means more to me than it should.
Nick is sitting next to me. We chat about the guitar lessons Matt has been giving him.
I’ve heard him practicing our song “Goodbye’.
He’s a talented kid. I bet he has it down in the next few days.
An idea strikes me, and I text the guys while we chat.
Four sets of eyes hit me after my message goes through and a nod of the head from each of them is a promise between us.
When the appetizers have landed on the table, Ryan still isn’t back. My lesson in restraint breaks. My gut says wherever she’s gone, she needs someone to find her and that someone is gonna be me.
Excusing myself from the table, I don’t think about where I’m going when I walk out the front entrance of the restaurant.
My feet take me to a small walkway between buildings to my left.
My stomach knots when I see her sitting on the concrete, her arms wrapped around her legs, her forehead resting on her knees.
The usual pull between us gives me a tug I gladly follow. Once I reach her, I slide down the wall and sit. She doesn’t look in my direction, doesn’t acknowledge my presence, but she knows I’m here. Knows it’s me.
Minutes pass, neither of us speaking. We simply breathe the same air, and I luxuriate in the vanilla that is her signature scent. Eventually, she releases her legs, lengthening them out in front of her and her hands drop to her lap.
Not overthinking things, I take one of her hands in mine.
There’s no way she doesn’t feel the way my body tenses for a split second when her fingers interlace through mine causing my heart to miss a beat.
Her acceptance of my touch sinks in, all the muscles in my body relax one by one.
My thumb rubs soothing circles on the back of her hand.
“My father hates me. He hates every single thing about me. I’ve been the family outcast since before I was born.”
My thumb halts. I must have heard her incorrectly, because the Jamesons are the family everyone back home wants to emulate.
“Excuse me?”
“How about a secret for a secret?”
“Ryan, that’s unnecessary. Really.”
“I know, but I need you to know that I know what shame feels like. I know what it feels like to think you aren’t worthy.”
I’m not sure where this is going, but I have a sinking suspicion I’m going to want to hurt someone if she tells me more.
“My parents were high school sweethearts. Teenagers when they got married. They had my sister before they were twenty. They had a rough patch and separated for a short period before I was born. My mom met someone from a couple towns over and started the process of filing for divorce. When my dad found out, he, of course, had to have her back. He couldn’t stand the thought of her with someone else, even if he had been out sowing his wild oats.
It killed him because she was madly in love with Beckett Staley. ”
That’s where her pen name comes from. Damn.
“Sadly, Beckett died in a motorcycle accident. A few weeks later, Mom discovered she was pregnant. My dad was so desperate to get her back he actually showed up at Beckett’s funeral.
He was relentless, from what I hear. Mom needed stability.
She was already raising one daughter on her own.
I think she figured she had loved my dad once upon a time.
Maybe that love would return. She didn’t tell a soul she was pregnant. My dad thought the baby was his.”
“Shit.”
“Right? All was well at first. I was born completely bald. Shocking considering how much I have now, but once my hair started coming in red, just like Beckett’s, Dad put two and two together and let’s just say he wasn’t happy about it.
But because the Jamesons were small town royalty, appearances were everything, so he sucked it up. ”
I can tell the other shoe is about to drop, and I squeeze her hand in anticipation.
“I’m not sure how or why, but when I was in first grade, my dad found out that my birth father’s middle name was Ryan.
My mom had honored my biological father without anyone knowing.
Needless to say, Dad blew a gasket, and my life changed forever because of this piece of information.
My sister and I shared a room, and I remember lying in bed, listening to them fight.
Becks stared at me from across the room like she didn’t know me.
That was how the two of us found out we were half-sisters.
Lying in bed listening to our parents’ fight. ”
“Jesus, Ryan.”
She doesn’t acknowledge my reaction and continues her story that I know is only going to break my heart for her even more.
“From that night on, hugs and kisses were reserved for my sister only. Initially, Dad ignored me, while Mom gave me attention when Dad wasn’t watching.
By the time I was a preteen, I was nothing but a disappointment.
Never enough. Every time he looked at me, he saw the other man my mother had loved.
The sight of me disgusted him, so I did everything in my power to stay out of his way.
Mom was so concerned with keeping him happy and the family together that she never stepped in.
It was his world, and his feelings were the only ones that mattered.
So, I kept busy with sports and friends.
When I was home, I did my chores, then stayed in my room and read.
I disappeared into my books, letting them take me away.
Fictional fantasies swept away the heartache and disdain I felt.
Books were the life raft that rescued me and carried me through the rough waters until I was old enough to chart my own path. ”
None of this reconciles with the perfect family my mom talked about during our call. They say to never judge a book by its cover. The Jameson family is proof of that.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I learned a lot. Mostly, what I don’t want in my life.
Like marriage. Watching my mom fade to the background of her own life while sacrificing a relationship with her daughter, all to keep her marriage together because she was dependent on a man…
. That will never be me. I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t had the experiences I’ve had. ”
“So, what happened today?”
“Dad answered when I made the mistake of calling home today, and things hit me a little harder than usual. But I’m fine.”
“It’s not right you’ve been made to feel less than for something completely out of your control. But it’s true our experiences do make us who we are.” I bump her shoulder with mine. “I happen to like who you are.”
She still hasn’t looked at me, but I’ve been watching her profile this entire time and my heart melts when the corner of her mouth lifts with the hint of a smile.
“This is why you said Sawyer was lucky to have so many people to love him.”
She finally graces me with her big brown eyes. God, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. “Whatever you do, never make him feel less than. That shit sticks with you your entire life.”
To my grateful surprise, she rests her head on my shoulder.
She’s done talking and my mind and my heart are buzzing.
I bring her hand to my mouth, placing a kiss against her skin.
Her words settled deep inside my soul. I promise myself from this day forward, Sawyer is my number one priority.
Even if that means my baby brother will be his dad.
I have no doubt Angus and Mia are going to get married. Sawyer will grow up living with Gus.
Flashes of Sawyer melting into my brother at Cal’s wedding is all I need to know. Mia, Gus, and Sawyer were meant to be a family. But I will be a part of that family too. We’ll figure it out. It may be unconventional, but we will make it work for Sawyer.
“Thanks for listening. You’re the first person I’ve ever told. Daisy and Mia don’t even know.”
What the fuck?
She’s carried all of this around with her for decades. No wonder she doesn’t take shit from anyone. She took enough as a child.
I’m honored she shared her truth with me.
“Anytime, friend.”
She tries to pull her hand away, but I’m not ready.
“Seriously. Any time.” I kiss the back of her hand again.
She lifts her head from my shoulder. Our eyes meet and a bolt of energy rips through me. When she leans in and presses her lips to mine, my shock turns into disbelief, and I don’t react. Too frightened to move.
Taking my lack of response to her kiss the wrong way, she pulls away. The loss of her lips against mine snaps me out of my unresponsive state.
Turning to face her, I cup her cheek in my hand, bringing her lips back to mine and kissing her lightly.
When I pull back to gauge her feelings, she wraps her fingers around my wrists, keeping me in place.
I lean in again and kiss her gently. No tongue.
No untamed heat. That’s not what this first kiss is about.
I want her to know how important she is.
She is anything but a disappointment.
She is more than enough.
Oh, how I would worship her if given the chance.
Knowing this has to stop before it goes any further, I release her. Pressing my forehead against hers, taking another quiet moment together as her heavy breaths caress my face. Something in me awakens. Like I have a purpose beyond the band and the life I’ve known for two decades.
Standing, I turn away from her for a beat while I adjust my fully awakened self in my jeans.
“C’mon, we don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea,” I say, turning back to her.
She blushes under the streetlight, looking away, embarrassed.
She’s taken my comment the wrong way and that just won’t do.
“You’re here to do a job. I don’t want anyone to think you have something nefarious going on with your assignment.
But trust me, Ry. If I had my way, you’d be mine and the entire world would know. ”
“What?” she gasps. Her head whips back to mine.
“You heard me. But I know I’m a mess and you have a job to do. We’re friends and I’m here for you. And maybe someday...”