10th July 2006
Had a bit of a revelation this morning. Instead of pretending Paddy is a hundred per cent the one I want, as I’ve been doing so far, what if I decide instead to start believing that’s the actual truth?
Less than ten seconds after putting this hypothetical proposition to myself, I had a massive ‘eureka’ moment.
Two important things occurred to me, one after the other.
The first was to do with driving and speed cameras, and the second was going to the doctor.
Someone once told me (I’ve no idea if it’s true) that there’s a machine you can buy and put in your car that tells you when speed cameras are coming up.
This enables you to slow down to whatever the speed limit is before you get snapped going too fast by the camera.
The fact that such machines exist tells us something: that there are lots of people out there who want to avoid getting fines and points for speeding, but who haven’t considered the obvious, brilliant solution of …
just not speeding! The customers of the company that makes those machines are asking themselves, ‘How can I carry on speeding but not get in trouble for it?’ And maybe this clever machine can make that work pretty well for you most of the time, but would anything work quite as well as deciding never to drive above the speed limit again, and then sticking to that decision? I doubt it.
It’s the same as going to the doctor for a health check-up.
How often have you heard people say, ‘I’m not eating chocolate/cakes/smoking cigarettes at the moment – I’ve got a doctor’s appointment next week for a health check-up and I want my weight/blood sugar/blood pressure/cholesterol to be down, not up, so that I get praised instead of ticked off by the doctor’?
And what do those who say that, or think that, secretly plan to do, immediately after the doctor praises them for their efforts and great results?
They’re obviously going to be straight back on the burgers, booze and fags, aren’t they?
Feeling all smug about the pat on the back they’ve just earned, they trot off to carry on with their usual hedonistic, health-disregarding habits until they’re summoned for their next health check-up – but they’ll worry about that then.
Instead, they could give up fried, fatty foods and alcohol for ever.
They could change their habits permanently, and know that from that point forward, they could get their check-up summons on any day and not worry about it.
There would be no need for panicked, last-minute crash diets.
They could live longer and feel the glow of true, meaningful achievement rather than a sense of ‘Phew! I got away with it, and the doctor will never know I’m planning to clog up my arteries again as soon as I get out of her office. ’
I’ve just read back what I’ve written, and I sound like a pompous prig.
I promise you, I’m not speaking from a position of superiority – I’m describing my own tendency to come up with brilliant plans that don’t actually solve the problem.
That’s what I do – it’s what we all do – when there’s a massive advantage to be gained by letting the problem linger in our lives.
(Eating sugary carbs is fun! Driving fast is fun!
Resenting Paddy isn’t fun, but continuing, secretly, to prefer Ollie definitely is, and I can’t pretend I don’t enjoy, on some level, having a big secret in my life.
It makes everything so much more interesting.)
But what if both are possible? What if I can prefer Ollie and at the same time genuinely believe Paddy wasn’t the wrong choice? What if Paddy is still, despite my preference against him, the perfect boyfriend?
This was the question I asked myself, and immediately afterwards I had this rush of ‘Oh my God, it’s true. It’s really true.’ I didn’t even have to convince myself. Of course Paddy is perfect – because Ollie would have been TOO GOOD.
I need to think about this more and make sure I understand the implications, but I know I’m on to something. I can feel it.
Here’s what I’ve realised: you can have everything you want in life, as long as you’re willing, when necessary, to want the thing that’s been forced on you and is beyond your control. If you can make that work, no one will ever be able to win against you.
This is everything. This is going to be my salvation.