Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
SADIE
Monday school drop off goes without a hitch. I’m aware my mood rubs off on the kids, but it’s amazing how my high spirits from a perfect weekend turned them into sweet little angels this morning.
I meet Abby in her Seattle office, and she seems relaxed around me, obviously noticing my good vibes, too.
Next stop is the store, where I do my weekly grocery shopping.
There’s a pep in my step as I stroll through the aisles.
Not even the fact that they’re out of stock of my favorite mozzarella can ruin this.
Nope, I’m flying high, fueled by countless orgasms, and the care Logan showed me.
I buy ingredients to make him some fajitas, practically skipping home.
The grocery bags seem lighter than they are as I bring them into the house and start to unpack them.
The drapes are pulled down, which is unusual, but maybe I forgot to do it in the morning.
Logan is here. I saw his van and I’m dying to see him, but it’s best I do what I need to first, rather than distract myself right away.
I make quick work of putting the groceries away, humming a song that was on the radio.
“Ah!” I shriek when someone behind me clears his throat .
My hand lands on my sternum, willing my frantic heartbeat to calm down. It’s Logan, of course. And though the fear is gone in a second, my heart has no plan on settling down.
He sports a smirk on his face. My arms itch to wrap themselves around him, but I hold them back, not wanting to overstep. Still, when he steps forward, placing a thumb on my chin and brushing his lips over mine, I pull him closer, opening my mouth to let him in.
He smells like wood and sweat, and my nipples are standing on business in a second. The kiss doesn’t last nearly long enough before he slightly pulls away, whispering, “I have a surprise for you.”
I suck in a breath as my chest expands, dying to see his surprise. His eyes stare back at me, clear and honest, with a hint of something else creeping in the background. Vulnerability?
He takes my hand, and I blindly follow, relishing the feel of my hand in his. He takes me outside, stopping right outside my patio doors.
“Wh…?” I say, before realizing the surprise.
It’s finished. The deck. It’s finished.
“H-how?” I stutter.
“I had some help.” He shrugs, but I’m stunned speechless.
This morning, the place was a mess of tools and half-finished deck parts.
The benches missed their backrests; the floorboards were sticking out in places.
The little covered terrace had only a roof and half the floor and now it has gorgeous benches, cozy cushions and a fire pit.
It’s just like the pictures he showed, but somehow even better.
It blends in seamlessly with the surrounding landscape, leading to the pool. The house is perfect now.
And as I turn around to tell Logan that, it clicks. His hands are in his jeans, his head lowered, showing his discomfort.
“You finished it,” I state, a lump forming in my throat.
“I did.”
“It’s gorgeous.” Tears pool at the corners of my eyes .
“It is.”
“So, you’re done.” I huff a laugh, pretending not to be falling apart.
“I don’t have to be.” He stares at me from underneath his thick lashes, his eyes full of hope.
“Well, I have nothing else for you to build.” Once again, my fake laugh is met with silence.
“Sadie…” he sighs.
“No. I’m really grateful for what you did. For everything you did.” I clear my throat. “But we knew this thing had an end date. You promised it will be done by summer. And you delivered.” The smile I force onto my face probably looks psychotic, but I can’t let him see the way I really feel.
He opens his mouth to say something but stops himself.
“I get it, Sades. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I understand.
I’ll give you time to figure it out, but don’t for a second think that this was a fling for me.
” His hands are now out of his pockets, and he places them on my shoulders, as if to drive his point home.
The moisture in my eyes overflows and the first tear falls down my cheek, followed by the second immediately. His hand raises to my cheek, wiping the tears off.
“I know you think that now. But you have time, you have options…”
“I don’t want options. I want you.” His low voice leaves no room to argue.
I shake my head, trying to shake the tears away. “I-I can’t…”
He lets out a deep sigh, but his touch is still featherlight. “I know, Sadie.” Each time he says my name, another part of my broken heart rebuilds.
Finally, I find the courage to look at him. His eyes are glossy, and it only pushes more liquid into mine. Don’t cry over me, Logan. Please don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it.
His lips pull up in the world’s saddest smile before he presses a gentle kiss to my forehead. The warmth of his soft lips travels my body, like a current running through me .
“I will get out of your hair,” he says, softly squeezing my arms before he turns around. And, grabbing the last of his tools, leaves.
I drop to my magazine-worthy deck, christening it with my tears. Somehow, the end of this short, trivial fling hurts worse than the end of my marriage. I can’t imagine my life without him in or around my house. He’s a part of it, a part of me.
But there’s no other way. I can’t go through the same thing I did with David. I’m not sure I would survive it.
Sandy arrives as I get back from school drop off the next day. To keep her from worrying, I offer her a small smile.
I’ve shared nothing that happened yesterday. I haven’t written a single word of my novel, either. But I deep-cleaned the entire house, afraid my thoughts will catch up to me if I stop for even a second.
Her mother-in-law is at her house, so Sandy’s Stella-free, and she makes her way straight to the patio.
“Wow,” she says, stepping outside. “This is gorgeous.”
I haven’t been out here since yesterday. I barely held it together while Asher and Olivia marveled at our perfect new deck. It hits me once again, and I’m unable to stop my tears.
Sandy looks around, wide-eyed, before finally turning to me. Her brows furrow for a second before she parts her lips with clarity.
“Oh, honey.” She wraps her arm around my shoulders and I’m two feet tall as my sobs wrack through me. Bringing me to the newly built bench seats, she sits us both down and I press my face to her chest. “He’s gone?”
“He’s gone,” I respond between sobs.
“And there wasn’t a way to continue this thing between you two?”
“It would be pointless, you know that. This was just a fling. ”
“Why would it be pointless?” She lifts my head so that she sees my eyes.
“You know he’s not my forever guy.” Her mouth purses in disagreement, so I continue, “He didn’t even fit any of the romance tropes.” It’s a sad attempt at a joke and she sees right through it, rolling her eyes.
“Fuck the tropes. They were a joke, anyway. A funny idea to get our minds off other things.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Remember how we started with the tropes?” Her eyebrows lift as she stares at me.
I shake my head.
“You told me you wanted to find love. I didn’t fully believe you because the divorce was still raw, but you told me you were ready for it. I should have known better. Because, Sades, this isn’t about him. It’s about you.”
I shake my head again, with less conviction this time. “I thought everything would be good once I find the perfect guy.”
She gives me a soft chuckle. “That’s the romance author inside you speaking. Unfortunately, real life healing takes longer, and it’s not up to your MMC to heal you. You need to do it yourself.”
I scoff in response, even though I know she’s right. “Why did I have to meet him now? When I’m fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up. You’re hurt. I know you like to pretend like the divorce wasn’t too bad, or that what led to it wasn’t too bad. But you are deeply hurt. And you deserve to be free of it.”
“He said he’ll wait for me,” I whisper, staring into the distance.
“Of course he did.”
“What do you mean?” My eyes snap back to hers.
“You know how much I teased you about him? About how hot he is?” I nod so she continues, “It wasn’t because I was horny so soon after giving birth to Stella.
It was because I saw how he looked at you.
The glances he stole a million times a day, or how he’d smile when he heard you laughing.
That boy has been down for you for a while now. ”
I wince at her use of the word ‘boy’. “I had … no idea.”
“I know you didn’t. You were convinced you’re unlovable.”
I set my head back against her chest, my head spiraling with thoughts. I get what she’s saying. She’s probably right. But it doesn’t make the fear less real. “I don’t know what to do.”
“That’s ok. Take your time.”
I dip my head. There’s nothing else to do right now. I’m an emotional wreck, which is no state to make any life-altering decisions.
My tears dry out, and my breathing settles while I’m still hugging Sandy. “You’re my rock, Dee.”
“You’re my rock, too. How about we take a dip in your pool?”
I let out a giggle, surprised by her suggestion. But as I dive underneath the surface of the water, I know why she suggested it. The coolness of the water helps me clear my head. The weightlessness I feel makes all my problems seem less important.
She’s a genius. And I don’t know what I’d do without her.
“How did the kids take it?”
“As hard as you’d expect.” I sigh. “Liv closed herself in her room and she’s been even more moody than usual.
And Ash … Ash’s been checking on what else needs to be done around the house.
I even caught him trying to break off a piece of deck’s railing yesterday, hoping that Logan will come to fix it. Somehow, I managed to hurt them again.”
“It wasn’t your fault. He would have been around, even if you two weren’t hooking up.”
“Yeah, but I brought him here. They got attached. And now he’s gone.”
“Technically, I brought him here, so blame me. Or Liam.” She shrugs, making me huff a laugh.
“I already feel better,” I joke.
“See? I’m magic.” She is. “Is Liv ready for her recital on Friday?”
“Think so. She stopped complaining about the costumes, so there’s that.”
“Hmm. That’s weird.”
“I agree. But at least she seems kind of excited about it now. And I’m taking her for a haircut tomorrow. The shorter one she chose.”
Hopefully, it will lift her spirits a bit.