12. Cagan
12
CAGAN
I duck my head to avoid the worst of the raindrops as they pour from the sky. The air has a bracing chill to it.
“I really hate the rainy season,” I mutter, wringing water from my long dreads.
I sigh in relief as I enter my room, shedding my wet cloak at the door. There’s already a fire warming the room, the flickering flames casting shadows over my bed. I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking of my newest friend.
Is Hayden out there by herself? She’s always alone, and she hasn’t mentioned family at all. Thinking about it, I realize she hardly ever shares things about herself. Is it because she’s still wary of me, or does she have secrets she keeps close?
I stoke the fire and watch the sparks flitting from the logs. Does she even have some kind of shelter out there? She said she’d be fine, but I feel a twinge of anxiety thinking of her.
With a heavy sigh, I walk over to the window. The sky churns angrily, with bouts of lightning streaking across the dark clouds.
The storm rages on, matching the turmoil in my mind. I can't stop thinking about Hayden out there all alone. I find myself pacing back and forth, muttering under my breath.
"She said she would be fine... but what if she's not? What if something happened to her?"
I run my hands through my hair in frustration. Our talks by the stream have become the highlight of my days. I find it so comforting when she just listens to me rant on and on about my life. She's the only one I can really open up to.
Restless, I throw a few more logs on the fire, watching the flames consume the dry wood. If only this anxious energy could be burned away so easily.
I sink down in front of the fireplace, elbows braced on my knees. "Oh Hayden, I hope you found some kind of shelter from this storm." My voice echoes slightly in the empty room.
Visions of her shivering and soaked torment me. What if she gets sick or injured? She always brushes it off, but living out there alone can't be easy. I wish I could do more to help her. I wish...
I swallow hard. I wish she was here with me, safe and warm. The thought makes my heart twist in my chest. When did I start having these deeper feelings for her? With a groan, I let my head fall into my hands. I'm acting like a lovestruck whelp, pining away.
But I can't deny it. I care about her, more than just a friend. And that scares me. Scares me that she's becoming someone I can't imagine life without.
The wind howls outside, rain pelting the glass. I stare out into the dark storm, feeling as tumultuous inside as the weather. I know sleep will evade me tonight. My mind is too consumed with thoughts of Hayden - is she safe, is she warm, is she thinking of me too?
Early the next morning, I gather up blankets and extra clothes, grabbing a basket of food just in case. The storm has passed, but the air still holds a biting chill. I need to check on Hayden and make sure she's okay.
I head out while the sky is still a muted gray, trails of mist rising from the ground. Everything drips from the heavy rainfall, branches and leaves bowed under the weight of the water. My boots squelch in the mud as I make my way toward the stream.
"Hayden?" I call out, my voice echoing through the quiet woods. "Hayden, are you out here?"
Only the chirping of birds answers me. I'm not even sure where to start looking. She never told me exactly where she lives, always keeping her distance.
I walk along the bank of the stream, peeking into brush and calling her name. My anxiety builds with each passing minute. What if she's hurt, or worse?
"Hayden, please, if you can hear me, say something!" I shout, panic creeping into my voice. I strain my ears for any hint of a reply.
Just faint gurgling from the stream tumbling over rocks reaches me. My shoulders slump. She has to be somewhere close by, right? She wouldn't wander far from the water source.
I continue searching, checking caves and scanning the trees for any sign of recent habitation. As the morning wears on, dread fills my heart. Where could she be?
"Hayden, please..." I whisper, the words nearly lost in the light breeze. I rub my hand over my chest, trying to ease the ache building there. I should have insisted she stay with me last night. I never should have let her out of my sight.
What if I can't find her? What if something happened and she's lying out there hurt...or worse? No, I can't think like that. I have to keep looking, I have to find her. She has to be okay.
For an hour, I search but find no trace of her. The rain has washed away any tracks. I keep calling her name, growing more frantic when only silence answers. Then I come upon a cave and hear a faint moan from within. My heart leaps - could it be her?
My eyes widen in alarm as I rush into the cave. There, curled up on the hard ground, is Hayden. Her body trembles uncontrollably and her breathing is shallow.
"Hayden!" I cry out, immediately dropping to my knees beside her. I gather her into my arms, cradling her against my chest. Her skin is like ice. "Hayden, can you hear me?" I whisper, cupping her cheek in my hand. Her eyelids flutter weakly. I brush back her damp hair, calling her name again desperately.
Seeing her like this, so frail and vulnerable, makes my heart constrict. Without thinking, I quickly shed the furs on my shoulder and press her close to share my warmth. I can feel each shiver that wracks her slender frame.
"Please, please be okay," I murmur into her hair. I clutch her tightly, as if I can will my own vitality into her.
Gradually her trembling eases. But she remains limp in my embrace, barely clinging to consciousness. Dark shadows ring her eyes, and her cheeks are gaunt. How long has she been suffering alone out here?
Rage wars with anguish inside me. If I ever discover who hurt her, left her so broken... Why is she out here, living by herself with no shelter to speak of?
I tamp down those turbulent emotions. Right now my only focus has to be on Hayden, getting her warm and cared for.
I grab one of the blankets I brought and swaddle her in it, still keeping her tucked close to my bare chest. Her faint breaths whisper against my skin. I whisper reassurances in return.
"It's alright, I'm here now. I won't let anything happen to you." My voice catches. "Please Hayden, stay with me. I... I need you."
It's the truth. At this moment I know - I cannot lose her.
I gently lay Hayden down near the wall of the cave and rush to gather up bits of dry firewood scattered around the edges. My hands shake as I quickly stack the kindling and spark a flame with my flint.
Soon a small fire is crackling. I gently lift Hayden closer to the flames, hoping the warmth will revive her. But she remains unmoving, locked in her fevered state.
As I smooth back her hair, worry courses through me. "Just rest here by the fire," I murmur, though my words cannot reach her.
Glancing around the bleak cave, I feel a pang in my chest. This tiny cavern is hardly fit for an animal, let alone a human. The chill stone floor, the lack of any bedding or shelter from the elements. How could she survive out here alone?
My throat tightens as I think of her enduring this harsh existence day after day. She must have been struggling to survive, yet she still fights to live each morning. Her strength astounds me.
I find myself desperate to know her better, get more of that glimpse of the real Hayden underneath the survivor's armor.
I pick her up and settle her into my lap. She leans into my touch even as she remains unconscious.
"I'll keep you safe," I whisper like a solemn oath into the quiet cave. "I swear it, Hayden."
She does not wake, but I mean every word. I will protect her with everything I have. She is too precious to lose.
When her shivering stops completely, I place her down and start pacing the small cave as much as it allows, muttering to myself. I’m angry that she’s been living like this. Eventually, I grow tired and settle down against the cave wall, studying her face as she sleeps. I can see the color slowly returning to her face.
I've been keeping a silent vigil over Hayden for what feels like hours. The fire has dwindled to glowing embers, casting a dim light around the cave.
Just as I'm about to get up to add more wood, a faint moan escapes Hayden's lips. I freeze, then rush to her side as her eyes slowly blink open.
"Hayden?" I ask urgently, taking her hand in mine. "Hayden, can you hear me?"
She swallows thickly, eyes roving the cave until they land on my face. I give her a reassuring smile.
"There you are. You had me so worried," I say softly, stroking back her tangled hair. "How are you feeling now?"