Chapter Nine Douglas
S he’s part of the sunset, the radiance of its rays, the warmth of a fire, the heat of a beating heart.
Everyone is struck by the beauty of the bride—but I only have eyes for Georgia Fenclan.
I want to leave this wedding so much that it has become a physical ache, a throbbing, dull pain in my chest as I stare at something I can’t have, hating myself.
If my father were still alive, he’d tell me to stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself. It’s my own choice, my own punishment, however you view it.
Anyway, in moments, I’ll perform another penance, or maybe a form of public flagellation. I, for some unknown reason (maybe God was having a laugh), have been chosen to read The Duties of Marriage by Ultarn the Prolific.
Duties I must’ve failed in, or Nicola would be here with me.
No. Georgia would be mine. I would be free and safe to ask her, to woo her, and win her.
The bagpipes end, and the vicar (I suppose he’s a preacher or a pastor over here) begins, taking his place in the midst of the smooth verdant lawn bedecked in spring flowers, arbors, and bridal bowers.
Such a beautiful place looks like paradise to most, but prison to me.
Ian reads the Fenclan Code and Creed and sobs through the ending like a wee bairn. Farrah comes up and blesses the couple with something that’s part maternal advice and part spellcraft.
And then, I have to do my duty. I make my way to the lectern and recite the words from memory, grateful that they can be said with a grave and somber tone—because that’s all I can muster.
“I, Douglas Wickstaff, ally of the Fenclan Clan, and brother in honorable combat and in peace, am charged with reading The Duties of Marriage.”
Is it my imagination, or does Georgia make a little whimper of want, almost lost in the breeze and the shuffling of bodies as they wait?
Don’t flatter yourself.
“To all those who would wed or who have entered into that honorable union, mark these words. Husbands, you are to provide for and protect always. No harm shall ever come to your bride while breath ye draw. Your strength is now hers, your speed, your skill, and all worldly goods with her shall ye share. Whatever she lacks, ‘tis your duty to help her gain, until this world is no more, and then ye shall renew these vows in the hereafter.”
My heart is beating so hard that I can’t feel my fingers. Nicola. As long as I draw breath, she should be safe. I’m breathing and she’s not. Cold, dark water was in her lungs, closing them off.
The world is telescoping into a black tunnel with a ring of bright light.
Is this dying?
Or just fainting?
For fuck’s sake, I can’t faint. I’m not the groom. He’s allowed to faint, not me! What if my kilt flies up?
“Save it for after the ceremony.”
A husky whisper lands in my ear, and I turn as I swallow and lick my dry lips. It’s the curvaceous bridesmaid with the roguish smile. She’s whispering to Georgia, but Orc ears don’t miss much.
Georgia is staring at me with parted lips and starry eyes. She’s giving off a sweet, heavenly scent that anchors me.
Guilty men shouldn’t get a second chance... but I do.
“Wives.” I turn my head enough to stare at the blushing bride, beaming with love at her groom. My gaze skirts past Claire, lingering on the blonde Half-Orc beauty behind her. “Wives, you are to be all your husband’s glory and honor, his greatest treasure and blessing, his strength, hope, and comfort. Raise up sons and daughters with him. Turn his loneliness to mirth, and his dwelling into a haven where he is ever content to be at your side. He will never need want for another, for your love will always sustain him, as long as breath ye draw. Your strength is now his, your speed, your skill, and all worldly goods with him shall ye share. Whatever he lacks, ‘tis your duty to help him gain, until this world is no more, and then ye shall renew these vows in the hereafter. These are the chief duties of marriage, but God grant ye provision that you live long enough to discover millions more and the joy behind each one.”
Ears ringing and head light, I manage to nod, smile, and bow my way back to my seat, feeling numb.
The rest of the ceremony is a beautiful blur.
Every few seconds, I swear Georgia catches my eye.
It’s all that keeps me from leaving to go sit in my car and scream into the steering wheel.
They recited those same words at my wedding.
Today’s pain is compounding (like interest). I didn’t keep Nicola safe. She didn’t let me in. Turn my loneliness to mirth? Fine, these words are old and generic. We know people need more than one other being in their lives to make them truly happy.
Don’t they?
But the words running through my brain feel wrong.
We didn’t make one another happy. There were so many parts of herself she kept hidden. Isolated. I thought that was how a modern marriage should be, but now I’m wondering... Did those secrets make our marriage dull? Lifeless?
Maybe I’m not the only one to blame for its spectacular failure?
Little bits of doubt poke holes in the mantle of grief I always wear. Little pinholes where light touches me. The thought is tempting.
What if it wasn’t all my fault?
What if I’m not wrong for love? What if I was wrong for Nicola—and she was wrong for me ?
No. No. I’m the one living, and she’s not. Clearly, I failed her far worse than she failed me.
Cheers erupt so suddenly that I shout and flail—but it’s mistaken for joyful cheering as the bride and groom sweep down the aisle, blissfully arm-in-arm, each looking like they’ve just conquered the world and won a billion pounds.
If I had Georgia on my arm... I wonder if I’d feel the same.
But what do I really know about her? She’s intelligent, successful, beautiful, wonderful to her family and friends—
I stop thinking about her as I stumble along. One glimmer of hope—one I probably don’t deserve—and I’m thinking of rosy futures that I probably can’t deliver.
It’s only because she’s here. Near me. So tempting. Clouding my judgment and making me forget. I’ll be glad to get back to Scotland.
But there’s still tonight.
No. A girl like that doesn’t deserve only one night. She deserves a lifetime with someone worthy of spending it with her. That much I do know.
“HEY. I JUST WANTED to say thank you for speaking today. I don’t know why my parents asked you to do that.”
I look up from the whiskey I’m nursing. Georgia takes a seat on the chair beside me as couples dance in the dimly lit ballroom or finish the heavenly cake Claire made.
“Because it is traditional to have the groom’s father or clan chieftain read his clan’s code and creed, and a senior member of the bride’s clan should read the Duties of Marriage. I suppose your dad thought some of the older Orcs would be offended if a human read the sacred words of Ultarn the Prolific. No offense.”
“None taken. Still.” Georgia turns her shapely legs toward me, warm concern on her face. “I was thinking of you today. About how hard it must be to attend a wedding, especially one where you have to participate when your heart isn’t healed.” A soft hand pats mine. “Thank you for doing that for my brother. It meant a lot to him. It shows the Wickstaff bravery and honor.” She gives me a broad smile.
My heart kicks over like the engine on a motorbike. “They wanted my brother, Finlay, to do it, you know. He’s older. Married happily. A houseful of children. He also has a few major injuries from falling off his roof and his own son’s wedding to plan. I’m happy to stand in for him.” I drain my glass and hope the whiskey will burn out the lie. “I had to come to New York City, anyway.”
“How’d your big meeting go?”
“Och, well enough. Some wee man in the New York office needed me to do extra work, and I did it. Now he owes me a favor, so the trip was worth it.”
I know I made it sound like I just stopped off at this momentous family event because it was “on the way,” and now those warm eyes have shards of ice in them.
I would do anything to bring the fire back.
Must be why my mouth keeps moving. “I’ve avoided every wedding I could since Nicola passed,” I whisper.
Georgia nods, lips pressed together. “I’m so sorry.”
“I blame myself, you know? She was a woman in a million. She deserved far better than me. If she’d had someone else, someone who made her happier, she would have stayed by his side. Not... Well. She might be alive.”
“Hey! Don’t say that!” Georgia leans forward, her voice a passionate hiss, fire crackling in her eyes.
“Hm?” I’m startled—and a little more relaxed than I should be. This is my fourth whiskey and my second champagne. Don’t even get me started on the marriage mead.
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened to your wife, Douglas. Bad things happen in life. Did you do your best to be a good husband?”
Ooh. The words hit like a kick in the balls. “I thought I did. I know now, after years of seeing what marriage should be like, what real couples in love look like, that I did a piss poor job. It was surface. I couldn’t... I couldn’t get under that top layer, past the outer shell. To others, she was always so happy. With me she was growing more distant. Wanting more time alone. I gave her space. I thought that was what I should do.”
“Is that what she asked for?”
“Aye.”
“Then you did what your wife asked. If she didn’t tell you something was wrong, then why would you think—”
My hands slam into my chest, a hard fist over my heart. “Feel it. I feel it here. I could have done better by her. I could have found out how to make her happier, safer. I know it.”
Georgia is silent for a moment. When she speaks, her voice is low and sober. “She could have helped you understand, too. It shouldn’t all fall on one partner or the other. If I ever find someone, I’ll tell him what’s in my head. Life is too short to play guessing games.”
“Shorter for me than for you, lass.”
Another silence, this one shorter and more amused. “Then you’d better get a move on, Douglas. Some pretty Orc might be waiting for you to catch up to her. Or maybe she’s running, trying to get to you.”
Why is the room suddenly so bloody hot? Why is she so close? My nose twitches. My mouth moves, but no words come out. I want to move it—right onto her neck, and suck on the hot spot where her blood pounds, pressing my body to hers until I can feel her spasming around me, sweet little body opening under me—
My glass falls and hits the floor with a glassy thud. Thank God it didn’t shatter—even though the mood does.
“I have to go. Early flight,” I whisper, standing up.
Georgia hangs back, chin on her chest. “I understand. Thank you again for coming, Douglas. And remember, life is short.”
“Too short.” Too short for her to waste her time on someone like me. What the hell does she see in me anyway? I scan the room for that handsy young Orc who was flirting with her last night. He’s as handsome as can be and an athlete that’s younger than her if I remember rightly. She’d have a grand life with him.
If he was the type to make her happy.
“What would you look for in a husband, Georgia?”
The words escape before I can catch them.
I’ll never drink champagne again. (It’s probably the whiskey, but I refuse to give that up.)
Her eyes widen. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I’d like to know what you like.” Oh, fine. No whiskey, either.
“Oh. Well. I don’t know. Someone who... Someone who wants me for me. Is that silly? I don’t have anything else I really need. Someone who loves me the way I am. Understands how hard I work and how close I am to my family. An Orc. If I’m honest, I want an Orc. Who understands my culture. Heritage. Anatomy.” Her cheeks flame and match her dress. “Wh-what about you?”
I’m still back on anatomy. I can only think of one thing that Georgia might have that the casual observer can’t see, and it’s so inappropriate that I can’t think of it until I’m back at the hotel.
But then I’ll think of it while I’m alone in the shower.
“I’ve had my chance. I don’t want anything else,” I say firmly, mostly to myself.
Georgia steps back, looking startled.
“I don’t think I want to marry again.” It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s a matter of whether I should.
“I see. I know that’s how it is with some people. Well, I need to go check on some other guests. Don’t forget to see my parents before you leave.” She smiles and gives me a stiff little wave.
When she leaves, her image stays, burned in my mind, like her scent lingers all around me.
Ian is suddenly beside me, wrapping me in a tipsy hug. “Ah! Dougie, my boy! Have you had a grand time?”
I hug him back, eyes still following Georgia as she disappears into the crowd. “It’s been unforgettable.”