Chapter 28
Nothing is Given Unless You Take It
‘I ’m nowhere near powerful enough.’
‘Sophia,’ he says, reaching for my hand. ‘You’ve got through every Ordeal so far. I’ve seen your magic. You can wield, you—’
‘Not well, and not for long. The drain it has on me, the cost …’ I shift away from him, standing abruptly. ‘It all makes sense now. I’m not like you and Knox. I don’t have that kind of power to call on, at least not yet. How can I have been such a fool, such a headstrong fool —’
‘Sophia, you can see magic. That’s rare. Listen—’
‘No!’ I say, clenching my hands into fists.
‘I am right. I’m right for the first time in months, possibly years.
Remember the Crucible? Remember how I bled?
My nose? I’ve been painstakingly training my magic, willing myself to master illusion enough to become a full scholar.
But the final Ordeal separates the weak from the strong, Alden.
It’s all in here, all in Ezra Darley’s damn journal.
And I’m not strong. I’m weak. My magic, what I can wield, is weak.
I know I can see magic, but how far will that get me?
You were right weeks ago. I got lucky. And luck … luck runs out.’
Alden bows his head and for a moment, he’s silent. ‘Then back out now. Don’t go through with it. Better that you’re alive than go in knowing your magic will fail you. Don’t do the final Ordeal.’
I stare at him, taken aback. ‘You can’t be serious …
’ I begin pacing, shaking my head. ‘Come all this way and-and what? Quit? Just leave Killmarth?’ The thought of it sends fresh tremors roaming over my body.
I cross my arms, hugging them tight against my chest like I can hold myself together, keep myself tethered to the only place I’ve ever felt safe. That I’ve ever truly thrived.
‘Better that you’re alive in this world, than lost to it,’ he says quietly, eyes meeting mine. ‘How can I protect you if you’re already dead?’
I blink quickly, feeling his words like a punch. ‘Is that all you think about still when you look at me? That I need protecting ?’
‘You’ve just said yourself that you’re too weak, that you won’t survive—’
‘My magic, Alden.’ I breathe. ‘My magic is too weak. Not I am too weak.’
‘Sophia, please, sit down. We need to talk this through,’ Alden says evenly. ‘This journal, it’s just one hopeful’s account. Just one opinion. I can lead you through the Ordeal if you’re set on doing it. I can stop anything bad from happening—’
‘No, Alden!’ I explode. ‘My gods, you don’t get this, do you? I don’t need your protection!’
‘Just wait. Why can’t you let me—’
‘You cannot protect everyone,’ I say, ‘I know you weren’t there when your father … when … I know the pain of that, but—’
‘That’s exactly why, though, Sophia,’ he snaps. ‘That was unavoidable. This – this is surmountable.’
‘Alden, I— That’s not why I’m telling you this,’ I choke out, pointing at him. ‘I need an equal. I need someone to stand beside me, not-not in front of me.’
‘Sophia, please …’
I raise my hand. ‘I’ll figure this out. And when I do, you’ll see me for who I am. Not for who you want me to be. I am not the person you can save this time to atone for not being able to before.’
He sighs, rubbing a hand over his eyes. ‘You’ve got this all wrong. All of it. I’m not trying to fucking atone. I nearly lost you when that cold one—’
‘Tell me honestly, have you just been trying to protect me since the moment we first met?’ I say.
‘When you chose me as your partner, again and again, why was that really? We both know you could have picked anyone. We both know your magic is lethal, at least I do now after you saved Frances. Tell me why, or you can leave.’
‘I’ve already told you. I knew you were the true competition. I picked you because you were the wild card, because I didn’t know—’
‘Such a risk,’ I say, throwing up my hands. ‘You could have lost everything, picking the wrong person. You could have died—’
‘The moment I met you in that bar, there was something about you. And when you were there at the Crucible, just … there , I knew it meant something. And it turns out, it did.’ He gets up, walks to me and grips my face in his hands.
‘I cannot watch someone else who I care about get taken from me. There. That’s it, Sophia.
That’s the truth of it. That is my weakness.
You are my weakness. When I look at you, all I see is someone so fucking precious, someone I can’t bear to be without in this world.
Since the moment I met you, I’ve been fighting to be near you. I will not lose you.’
‘Alden—’
His mouth collides with mine and he kisses me, hard.
I gasp, the rush of heat and blood coursing through me, and all I want is to stay in his arms, to kiss him forever, to feel his body pressed into mine …
I wrap my arms around him, allowing myself to give in, to truly feel the heat between us, this thing that’s caught fire, that I burn for—
We are teeth and tongues and desire, a whirlwind of sensation as I pull his shirt from his body, feeling his skin, the ripple of his muscles across his chest—
‘Sophia …’ he growls against my mouth and his tone, dark with desire, with need, sends me over the edge.
I want him. I want him now. We don’t even make it to the bed as he pulls off my top, running his hands down my sides, palming my breasts as I gasp.
I rip open his trousers as he pulls down my own, and I can’t get enough of him, can’t think past this need to be filled with him, the desperation like a fever.
He kneels before me, easing my underwear down over my legs, and I shiver with anticipation as he raises his eyebrows in silent question.
I nod, breathless, as he flicks a smile at me before drawing his tongue over the bundle of nerves between my thighs.
I gasp, shuddering with pleasure, the want building for him like a towering wave.
He caresses with his tongue in deft circles, flickering over and over, and I place my hands on his shoulders, arching my back, giving in to the moment, the delicious heat building inside me.
I try not to think of anything, not the Ordeals, not the journal or the warnings that I won’t make it.
That I won’t get through the final Ordeal.
I run my fingers through his hair as I cry his name, shuddering as I’m consumed by pure flame. All I want is this. Him.
‘We’re not done yet.’ I pant with a small smile and his eyes darken with desire as he looks up at me, his gaze sweeping slowly, appreciatively over my body.
‘No, we are not,’ he says.
We tumble to the floor and I kiss him, still burning with a desperate need for him. I straddle him and he groans before guiding himself inside me. ‘You’re beautiful, you’re so beautiful.’
I rock against him, feeling him fill me, consume me as his hands find my hips and I arch into him.
When he thrusts up I see stars, see golden light.
We could die tomorrow, this could be the last time we’re together, and I haven’t had enough of him, not nearly enough.
I move against him, heat building, uncoiling—
Leaning down, I kiss him hard, nipping at his bottom lip, running my fingers through his hair as I move my hips.
All that ache, that need becomes a cresting wave that we ride and ride before we both tumble over it, crying out.
I arch my back, climaxing and, as that wave recedes, leaving me limp and boneless, I collapse into his arms. ‘Oh gods …’ I breathe, closing my eyes.
My heartbeat gradually slows as we lie there, tangled together on the ground. I press a kiss to his throat before sliding off him and he catches my fingers, brushing a kiss against my knuckles. ‘I won’t lose you, Sophia. Whatever happens tomorrow.’
I nod as he rises then kisses me gently, softly. My heart, my wretched heart, feels so big and so full, and all I can do is wind my arms around him.
‘And I won’t lose you,’ I murmur, kissing him again as he runs his hands over my skin, crushing me to him.
He pulls me onto the bed, draping the sheets over us both and, this time, we take it slow. And after the second time, when he closes his eyes, breath settled and even as sleep coaxes him away, I finally find the courage to do the right thing.
To say goodbye.
I can’t give in and accept his protection.
I can’t. Especially in the final Ordeal.
When I say I won’t lose him, I mean it. Nor can I walk away from all this, Killmarth, my purpose, this place I have fought and bled for.
It’ll be my undoing. So I shimmy out from under the covers, out from the cage of his arms and quickly dress before brushing a kiss to his forehead.
Then I leave him a note, telling him I will not be his weakness.
I know that if I stay with him tonight, he’ll protect me tomorrow. And it could lead to his death.
When I enter the final Ordeal, it will be on my terms, as it’s always been.
I’ve come too far by myself now, and I will not be tempted into giving it all up.
Nor can I allow Alden to lose focus. The only way any of us will get through this final Ordeal and survive is by being the best versions of ourselves.
No distractions. I’m afraid to admit it, even to myself, but I care too much about him to allow him to be my crutch.
I gather up my switchblade, wooden stake, the journal and, throwing one last glance over my shoulder at him, quietly leave the room.
It’s just hours before dawn. Even the moon has concealed her face, drawing a cloak of clouds around herself.
It’s just me here as I walk up the cut granite steps, maybe for the last time.
Alone with my thoughts, I decide to wait out my final hours in the common room in Gantry.
I wouldn’t be able to sleep even if I tried. Not now.
My magic is not strong and the true extent of it, I may never be able to wield.
My thoughts keep flitting to my parents, to who they really were.
I read again through Ezra Darley’s journal, Eddy, the Collector, the man I believed was my uncle, who lied to me …
who protected me. My head pounds as I try to soak it all in, all these revelations, all these tangled threads weaving us all together.
But I know I must stay focused if I am to survive. That’s what they all wanted.
I learn there are three movements in the final Ordeal from Ezra’s journal. Three steps of Initiation, designed to test every hopeful to the point of breaking.
And yet …
I hug my knees to my chest, reminding myself who I am.
What I am. In this, the longest hours of night I have ever endured, I have had to face up to what lies within me, what I have to draw on in this final Ordeal.
A powerful magic … no. I will not have this to draw on.
But my strength, my inner self … that was not always within me. That was made.
That was forged .
Nothing is given unless you take it, my girl.
Dolly. Before every assignment, Dolly taught me strength.
She taught me to love myself, she taught me how to conquer my fears, to gaze into the heart of them and face them anyway.
And the Collector … Ezra Darley. He taught me cunning, taught me focus, ensured I was stronger than steel.
He was brutal, the vault, the threats, the endless training …
but I survived. More than survived, I grew stronger.
I am not without hope. This final Ordeal, this final test …
it’s an assignment. And the rules are still the same.
Get in, get out.
Don’t get caught.
My magic may not be my strength. But my will …
my will is strong. I want to be here. I want to fight for my place here at Killmarth, to learn, to grow and, in time, to nurture my magic.
If I don’t have the raw power of Alden and Knox, then I will forge a new path for myself, a new way to conquer this final Ordeal.
I get up off the floor and take a breath.
Crossing to the mirror above the fireplace, I remind myself of who I am.
What I have achieved. How I have faced down literal monsters, how I have succeeded at every single thing this world has thrown at me and in the face of fear, of failure, I’ve said, fuck, no.
I focus on my reflection. The lines of my face, the iron in my eyes. And I smile. ‘Sophia DeWinter, you have survived more than this. You will go through the final Ordeal tomorrow, and you will succeed.’
For Dolly, for my parents, for myself … I will do this. I will not quit now, at the final hurdle. It may be impassable. It may seem impossible. Everything may be stacked against me … but when has it not been?
I take a deep, steadying breath and press a finger against the mirror, picturing her face, imagining her standing behind me, hands on my shoulders, smiling back at our reflections. She would not want me to give up now. Dolly Love did not raise a failure.
And besides, if I get through this final Ordeal, I have a score to settle with Ezra Darley. He owes me answers about my parents, about the Darley family business … everything.
‘See you on the other side, Dolly,’ I whisper. ‘Whatever that side may be.’