Chapter 20 #2
Fleetingly, this feels normal. Mason by my side, a newish soldier on one of her first missions, leading as I was taught to do. But normalcy only comes to me in brief interludes, like gusts of wind. The other times I remember how the sun is dimmed and the world is without Lucy’s light.
A train barrels into the waiting area and shrieks to a halt.
It’s a steel monstrosity, wrapped in olive-green paint with the Order symbol stamped on the side.
The conductor scans our IDs and we take up residence in an empty passenger car.
Mason piles our duffel bags next to him and settles against the long, rectangular window, while Cassie sits cross-legged at my side.
Minutes later, the train disembarks and chugs to life, forcing us back into our seats.
No other passengers sit in our car and I relax in the quiet.
In the past, I craved silence. Silence was a necessary part of my planning, my brooding, my introspection that kept me level in times of crisis.
However, after many months of solitude, I find it almost unbearable.
My mind fills the silence with flashes of violence.
The ebullient young private beside me also appears to not enjoy silence. “Can’t believe I’m finally going on a deployment with you. It’s like a dream.”
“I am not so sure Theia will agree. I imagine she will be less than pleased when she sees you put yourself on this assignment and I approved it.”
“What does she care? She already hates me, and she sent you two on a wild goose chase into a war zone.” Cassie twirls one of her shoelaces and stares down at the ground as she speaks. “Besides, I’m not loyal to the Order because of Theia. I’m loyal to you.”
“Me? Why?”
“Because you’re the best soldier the Order ever had.”
Failing to protect Lucy, failing to protect Faith, failing to protect Mason. At best, I’m a repository of broken promises. “That’s debatable.”
Cassie heaves a sigh and goes quiet. When she levels her gaze at me, she looks resolute.
“You led soldiers, not Theia. You trained our recruits at HQ, not Theia. You were fair and firm and provided guidance to anyone who asked, not Theia. You were in the trenches, you were the one losing friends and bearing witness to the deaths of our soldiers and citizens, not Theia. You granted mercy when everyone else would’ve jumped to execution.
If saving the life of an innocent person is a betrayal of the Order, then it’s the Order that’s wrong.
As far as I’m concerned, Theia betrayed the Order, not you. ”
Maybe it’s because of the saturation in my emotions over the past few months, but an unfamiliar burble of emotion forms inside my chest. Seeking a deflection, I look out the window at the passing scenery.
Wide seas of green with tall reeds growing out of the marshes, and in the distance, factories pop out and spew gray smoke toward an otherwise unblemished blue sky. “I shouldn’t be your hero, Cassie.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me,” she replies hotly.
It’s instantly reminiscent of Lucy, and my breath catches.
“Everyone thinks I’m na?ve because I’m young, but I’m not.
Theia thought making me listen to you grieve, cry, and get whipped would stop me from believing in you, but she was wrong.
All it did was make me realize the deep, deep cruelty she is capable of, and admire you that much more. ”
Her voice breaks and she roughly palms the tears from her eyes. Offering comfort has never been my strong suit, but I try. “I’m sorry.”
“And for what, you know? Because you had the audacity to love something more than you loved the Order? Fuck that. That’s not justice, it’s revenge.”
“There is a fine line between the two, isn’t there?
” I ask aloud, but not directly to her. “I was convinced I was always doing the right thing. Anything done in the pursuit of freedom was permissible. Now I—” I rest my head against the window.
“I realize there is a spectrum of morality and I have been all over it.”
Cassie studies my face, sympathy plain and open in her features. Idolization has quickly turned to pity. “Do you regret it?”
A popular question recently. But I think I can tell Cassie what I could never tell Theia. “My only regret is that I didn’t run away with her when I had the chance.”
Cassie’s eyes grow large and I’m not sure why.
The inherent treason in that statement? The disloyalty?
The foolish romanticism of it? Regardless, if I’d understood how much Theia hated me, I would have flown the helicopter right from the masquerade out of the regions.
Or in Montana, taken the car and driven until we reached the coast. Gone, just the two of us, and we would be together and she would be alive.
“Tell me about her,” Cassie says.
“About Lucy?”
“No, tell me about the other heiress you were in love with.” She rolls her eyes. “Tell me about what you did together. Tell me about the missions.”
So, I do. I tell her about when I first saw Lucy, when I followed her and filed her life in the holo, when I met her and danced a waltz for the first time in my life. Our training together, the Lightbringer in New York, the missions, everything. Everything except the kiss, because that is mine.
I talk until my voice is hoarse. Building her out of memories, she is almost here. I am broken, she is gone, but while I speak, we are together and we are whole.