Chapter 44
Mary did not accompany Charlotte to the door to see Lady Catherine depart. She crumbled the remains of a piece of cake between her fingers, growing increasingly uneasy as she waited for Charlotte to return.
“I thought that went very well,” declared Charlotte, as she bustled back into the room. “Lady Catherine seemed very taken with you. I really do believe she will exert herself to find a suitable situation for you.”
For the first time since she had been at Longbourn, Mary raised her voice.
“But she is offering me something I do not want, which I am sure would make me unhappy! Charlotte, you cannot imagine I want to become a governess? Why ever did you put the thought into her mind?”
Charlotte felt the side of the teapot and decided it was just warm enough to risk another cup. She offered one to Mary, who shook her head.
“If I did, it was quite unintended. But once it was mentioned, I cannot deny I saw its advantages. You have always been proud of your accomplishments and worked hard to perfect them. Why should they not serve to recommend you now?”
“Because they are being used to usher me into a life I would hate! I do not wish to live in some other person’s house, dependent on their goodwill and with not a moment to call my own.”
Charlotte sipped her tea.
“No, I see it is not without its difficulties. But—and I feel I must be blunt, Mary—your situation at present is in many ways not so different. You have no settled home. Neither of the possibilities offered by Jane or Lizzy in Derbyshire is to your liking. I understand your reluctance, but it leaves you few other choices. Kitty has no room, and Lydia—well, that is plainly out of the question. So where will you go? Of course, you are welcome to stay with us as our guest—but I think we both understand that cannot be a lasting solution.”
She wiped her hands on her napkin and began to fold it neatly on the plate.
“In such circumstances, I think you must ask yourself whether it would not be desirable to have some occupation, at least until you decide on some other course of action. I must warn you that once Lady Catherine has an idea in her head, it is very difficult to resist her. So if you have some other notion in mind, I would urge you to act upon it as soon as you can.”
Mary’s face was hot with humiliation. She put her head in her hands to hide her misery. To her surprise, Charlotte pulled her chair towards her, and laid her arm gently on her shoulder.
“I know it looks as though I am determined to cause you pain, but I assure you that is not the case. I tried once before to make you see the world as it is. I know it took you a while to accept my advice; and I know you felt I had betrayed you by seizing an opportunity you had just begun to appreciate, that I had opened your eyes to a possibility only to snatch it away for myself. I tried my best to explain. I told you then that despite all the sympathy I felt for you, I had no choice but to put my own interests first, that sometimes women like us are obliged to be selfish. And now I find I am obliged to be selfish again. I see only too plainly that you are in a difficult place, and I am sorry for it; but I cannot allow you to disrupt our life here.”
She removed her arm, sat back and sighed.
“In some respects, I will admit this—interlude, shall we call it?—has actually been of service to me. It made me look again at my own behaviour. I knew that when I married I was not in love. I told you that I was never romantic. But I see now that I might have been more kind. You have shown me that I have it in my power to make our lives together more pleasant than they have been, which I think will benefit me quite as much as Mr. Collins. He would like to be better friends with me if I would permit it; and I think we shall both go on more happily if I do. For this, Mary, I must thank you. It was not a consequence you intended to bring about, but I am grateful to you nonetheless.”
Charlotte picked up her teacup and sipped her tea delicately.
“But I’m afraid there is far more chance of our achieving that contentment if you are not here.
There, I have done you the honour of being candid.
I have always thought the best help I could do for you was to tell the truth as I saw it.
So here is the last piece of advice I will ever offer you.
Make a decision and make it a bold one. Perhaps it may be to start a new life as a governess; perhaps not.
But I urge you to find some way of beginning again, to put yourself amongst fresh scenes and different people.
Imagine a new future for yourself. Only then, I think, will you have any chance of escaping your past.”
Mary wiped her eyes. Charlotte’s frankness had been refreshing in its way. It forced her to think rationally, to gain control of her emotions.
“Thank you, Charlotte. I will go away and consider what you’ve said.”
“I have probably said far too much. But I assure you it was meant kindly.”