Chapter 37
WILL
The car disappeared into the traffic, taking the woman of my dreams with it.
It was the strangest thing, watching that car disappear and not knowing if I’d ever see her again.
I stayed where I was anyway, not because I thought she’d suddenly change her mind and tell the driver to bring her back, but because again, I couldn’t seem to move.
“She’s gone, man,” Nate said.
“I can see that.” I didn’t look at him, instead just staring at the street with my hands clenched so tight, my knuckles ached. “That’s the fucking problem. She’s gone and she’s not coming back, is she?”
“She just needs some space,” he said. “That was a lot. I’m assuming she didn’t find out from you what’s been going on?”
I shook my head. “Alex, Jesse, and I were talking. She overheard us.”
“Ouch.” He groaned. “That sucks.”
I let out a short, humorless laugh. “You think?”
Nate stepped closer. “I’m sorry, bro. I know what you’re going through right now.”
“No, you don’t.” I finally slid my hands into my pockets. “It’s not the same, Nate.”
He looked back at me for another beat, searching for something I wasn’t sure he’d find before he nodded. “She’s in love with someone she doesn’t think exists right now. It might not be the same, but it’s not that different either.”
“She says she doesn’t know who the hell I am, and you’re telling me you really get that?”
He shrugged. “I get loving someone and not knowing how to fix it. I get watching them walk away and not being able to stop it. I get that desperate feeling you get when you’re losing the only person who really matters to you.”
I blinked slowly. “Yeah, maybe you do get it then. Any ideas on what to do now?”
He let out a bark of dry laughter. “Fuck if I know. I went after Kate immediately, but you can’t do that.”
I rocked my head from side to side, my insides feeling like they were being torn apart by a rogue werewolf. “Yeah. Lucky for you, Kate wasn’t slated to marry your brother.”
He winced. “Fair enough.”
I swallowed hard, the pain in my chest somehow doubling. Until a few seconds ago, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible for it to get worse, but as the weight of reality sank in, the hurt somehow kept growing.
“I knew I was only standing in for him. I didn’t plan to…”
“Fall in love with her,” he finished for me when I trailed off. “You didn’t mean to fall in love with her. That is where you were going with that, right?”
I huffed out a sound that might’ve been a laugh if it didn’t feel like my chest was caving in. “Yeah. That.”
He reached out and squeezed my shoulder. “Just give her some time, man. Overhearing what she did must’ve been a massive shock to her system. Just give her some time to process and we’ll take it from there.”
“Didn’t you just say that you chased after Kate the second she found out who you were?”
He sighed, but inclined his chin in a nod. “Yeah, I did, but to be fair, I’d only just found out who she was too. Neither of us had been lying to the other.”
I groaned, my eyes sliding shut. Guilt slammed into me all over again. God, the look on Eliza’s face before she got into that car…
“Fuck it. I need to fix this. I’m going after her even if she is marrying our brother,” I said, opening my eyes again and straightening up a little as urgency shot through me.
“Where do you think Kate took her? I can’t just let her go, man.
I know I lied to her, but everything I told her, who I was when I was with her, that was all true.
I was real. I was me. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t be Jesse. She needs to know that.”
“You will tell her,” he said. “You might even fix it eventually, but not like this.”
I scoffed and shoved both hands through my hair, turning in a slow circle right there on the sidewalk. “Then how?”
“By giving her time to breathe. By not chasing her down when she can’t even think straight.”
I didn’t like that answer. Not at all, actually, but I also knew he was right.
Meanwhile, it was starting to feel like the gray sky itself was starting to fall, like the buildings were closing in on me.
“I love her, Nate. Right now, she thinks it was all a lie. That it was all pretend, but it wasn’t. I fucking swear.”
“I know, but look, I’ll find out where Kate took her,” he said. “I’ll keep you in the loop. I promise. You just need to get it together. There’s nothing you can do right now.”
I held his gaze, but Nate didn’t make promises he couldn’t keep.
He also didn’t give advice he didn’t truly believe in enough that he’d take it himself.
Sheer, unbridled agony tore through me at the thought of not doing anything at all to fix this right the fuck now, but everything about her and me so far had been on terms neither of us could control.
At least I’d known that. The same wasn’t true for Eliza. I had to do this, at least, on her terms.
“Fine,” I muttered. “I’m not waiting long, though.”
“You won’t have to.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder again, sort of ending it in a light shove toward the parking garage this time. “Now go home.”
I snorted. “What? No.”
“You’re no good to anyone standing out here spiraling,” he said. “Go home. Get your head straight. I’ll let Alex and Jesse know what happened.”
Everything in me wanted to either argue or ignore him entirely, but the truth was that I felt so drained right now, I had nothing left to fight with. I felt completely empty, like my whole world had been ripped away right along with my soul.
“I’ll take care of it, Will,” he said quietly. “Trust me. Just go home, okay?”
I nodded lamely, finally forcing my feet to move. I didn’t even bother going back to my office to grab my stuff. My phone was in my pocket, and that was all I needed.
Just in case either Nate or Eliza had to get hold of me. The rest of it, I didn’t give a shit about right now.
When I stumbled into the townhouse, the lights were off and the kitchen was quiet.
No scent of homemade food lingered in the air.
No sounds greeted me from the living room.
It felt so wrong that I almost turned around and left again, but if either of them needed me, this was where they’d come looking.
Even though the sky had darkened so much outside that it looked about six hours later than it really was, I didn’t bother with lights or taking off my shoes.
I just walked straight down the hall and pushed open the bedroom door, walking into the space that had somehow become ours instead of just mine.
Eliza’s things were still sitting on the dresser and the vanity in the ensuite, her shoes still standing neatly beside mine in the closet. I stumbled through the space feeling like I’d entered some kind of twilight zone, dropping onto the mattress face-first.
For a second, I just lay there, staring into the bedding, but when I finally turned my head, the first thing I saw was her pillow.
Reaching for it immediately, I dragged it against my chest and held it close.
It still smelled like her, the faint scent of her shampoo and perfume clinging to the fabric.
“Jesus,” I muttered, pressing my face into it.
This is so fucking pathetic.
But I didn’t care. I just stayed there, hugging her pillow and mentally replaying every moment we’d spent together since that day at my dad’s house. I hadn’t even been supposed to be there until I’d been summoned at the last minute.
I remembered every laugh, every touch, and every time her eyes had lit up in wonder.
I thought about seeing her emerge from those trees back in England, Holly and Maeve happily trotting beside her.
Fiercely wishing we could just go back to that time, I closed my eyes and wondered how I was ever supposed to just put this behind me and move on.
Fuck, how am I supposed to go to the wedding and watch my brother marry her?
Eventually, that was the thought that made me force myself up. I need a drink.
I couldn’t do anything for Eliza right now. I couldn’t even call Kate to make sure my girl was okay, because she wasn’t my girl. I couldn’t do anything for myself. I couldn’t do shit except for wallow in my own misery and try to live with the mess I’d made.
The pillow came with me when I left the room, heading straight for the bar. I poured myself a stiff drink, leaned against the counter, and hugged her pillow to my chest. It was almost completely dark at this point, both inside and out, but I still didn’t reach for the lights.
I didn’t move much as I sipped my drink, trying to come up with a way to make this up to her. Not to convince her to forgive me or anything. I just owed her.
Understatement of the year, buddy.
Eliza deserved so much better than me. So much better than my brother. So much better even than her own godforsaken family.
I sighed, no closer to an answer than I had been when I’d gotten home. The front door eventually clicked open, but as much as hope tried to worm its way in, I didn’t even turn around. It wasn’t her.
“She’s safe,” Nate said as he walked in. “Kate took her to our place. For tonight at least, she’s with us.”
Fuck, I hate that she’s not here. But at the same time, I was relieved. At least she’s with Kate. Kate will make sure she’s okay.
I took another slow sip of my drink and nodded. “Okay. Thanks.”
The sound of his footsteps told me he was coming closer, but I still wasn’t looking at him. I was also still holding her pillow. I heard him sigh when he reached the bar. “That’s not going to help, you know.”
I shrugged. “Neither is anything else.”
Finally looking up at him once I’d heard him pour himself a drink as well, my heart instantly plummeted when I saw the look on his face. Remorse. Worry. “There’s more, isn’t there?”
He grimaced. “She’s going through with the marriage. She told Kate that she’s not backing out, but she asked to speak to Jesse first. One on one. The real Jesse, obviously.”
Everything in me went completely still. Like my body had just… shut down. All I could do was stare at him, not breathing, or blinking, or anything else. Then I sucked my teeth and finally looked away.
My grip tightened around the glass so much, it felt like it might crack. Of course she wants to talk to him. Why wouldn’t she? He’s the one she’s marrying. The guy she thought she was falling for.
Jealousy hit hard, fast, and ugly. Once again, I was the one who’d put in the work and he would get to spend the rest of his life with her. As always, I’d stepped up when our family had needed me to, but Jesse was walking away clean while I was broken. For good this time. I was pretty sure of it.
Everything else followed soon after that. I was suddenly livid, hurt, and there was something else there too, something much deeper and more corrosive. It settled right behind my ribs and refused to move, a red-hot, bone-deep sense of resentment.
“That’s…” I exhaled through my nose and shook my head. “Yeah. Great. Fantastic.”
Nate didn’t respond. Probably because there wasn’t anything to say. Instead, he moved past me until he was behind the bar, standing right across from me. He picked up the bottle, topping off my glass and then reaching for his own.
“This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt,” I said, my voice ragged as I finally sank down on one of the stools, still hugging her fucking pillow. “I don’t… I can’t…”
Nate did me the courtesy of averting his gaze when I swallowed hard, feeling a deep furrow form between my eyebrows. “Yeah. I remember that feeling. Eliza is probably feeling that way right now, too.”
“Thanks.”
“No. No more sulking. She needs to hear from you,” he said after a brief pause. “Before she walks down the aisle.”
I shook my head immediately. “What happened to giving her space?”
“That was before I knew she still planned on marrying him.”
“I think I’ve done enough damage, don’t you? The last thing she needs is me showing up again and making it worse.”
“So don’t make it worse.” Nate pushed off the counter. “You’ll never know if you don’t try. You wanted to go after her a few hours ago. Has that really changed?”
“No, I still do, but this isn’t about what I want. She asked to speak to Jesse,” I reminded him. “Not me. I need to respect that, Nate. She’s had enough taken away from her.”
“Sure, but she asked to speak to the man she’s marrying,” he countered. “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to hear from the one who was actually there.”
I frowned. “Do you really believe that?”
“I do.”
I stared at the floor and imagined trying to fix something that felt fundamentally broken. It sounded impossible, but if the alternative was doing nothing, then that was even worse.
“Fine,” I muttered eventually. “If you can set something up, I’ll try.”
He nodded. “I’ll talk to Kate.”
I exhaled slowly, not entirely sure if I’d just made the best decision of my life or the worst. But either way, I had to at least try. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t.