Chapter 40
ELIZA
Isaw Jesse—the real one—the second I walked into the restaurant. He was sitting at a table near the window, and I knew it was him rather than Will because this man looked like he’d rather be somewhere else. Anywhere else.
As I slowly made my way closer, I took the time to really look at him, studying the slight differences between him and his brother. After what had happened, it seemed important that I learn what distinguished them.
Most people probably wouldn’t notice these things, but they were suddenly so obvious to me that I couldn’t not see them.
Something in the way he held himself was looser and slightly more restless.
He took a sip of water, put the glass down, checked his watch, turned his wrist back, looked out the window, then back down at the menu.
Will was much calmer than Jesse appeared to be. I paused for half a second, not at all ready for how emotionally catastrophic this dinner was sure to be. It was a form of cruel and unusual punishment, having to eat with a man who looked so very much like the one I loved but wasn’t him.
Jesse looked up as I approached, and for one confusing moment, my brain tried to reconcile the face in front of me with the fact that this wasn’t him. I internally groaned. Gosh, this is really going to suck.
“Hi,” I said as I pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. “Thank you for agreeing to meet me, Jesse.”
“Hey.” My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice, also so familiar and yet also so different. “Yeah, of course. I’m glad you suggested it, actually.”
Same voice. Same face. Completely different person.
We stared at each other for a beat, both of us clearly waiting for the other to say something that would magically make this less awkward, but that didn’t happen. Finally, he leaned back in his chair and let out a pained-sounding sigh. “So, this is something, huh?”
I almost smiled, but I couldn’t quite get there. “If you mean something extremely odd and awkward, then yes.”
The smile he managed to offer didn’t quite reach his eyes either. That was the first real difference I noticed between their faces, the way Will’s smiles had always lingered, softening his gaze and making me feel like I was in on something with him.
Jesse’s felt more like a reflex. Not fake at all. Just like something that came easier but disappeared faster because it hadn’t really been earned.
“Odd and awkward,” he repeated. “Yeah. You’re not wrong.”
As soon as he fell silent again, there was another lull between us. What had happened sat like a giant, neon elephant between us, but there was no version of this conversation where we got to joke about it.
There was no light way to bridge the fact that I had unknowingly built something real with his brother while thinking it was him. Comedy had officially left the building, so I folded my hands together on the table and just let myself study him some more.
They really did look so identical that it was unsettling. They shared the same eyes, the same jawline, and the same features, and yet, it stopped there. Jesse was more brash, I realized. There was a bluntness to him, an edge Will didn’t have.
Where Will observed, Jesse reacted. Will measured his words, but Jesse seemed to say them as they came to mind.
“I’m guessing this isn’t how you imagined this going,” he said as if he’d heard the thought and intended on proving me correct.
“No,” I admitted. “I don’t think this is how either of us imagined it.”
He let out a quiet laugh. “Yeah. That’s fair.”
A server appeared and we both seized the opportunity to order just to have a moment to not talk. Once he left, however, the silence came rushing back in for another few uncomfortably long moments.
Eventually, I decided to simply confront things head on. “Alright, well, the wedding. We should talk about that.”
“Right,” he said, but he didn’t look thrilled about it. If anything, he looked exactly how I felt—terrified, uncomfortable, and desperately uncertain that it was the right thing to do. “The wedding. Okay. It’s going to be in England, right?”
“Well, yes. I assume we’re still going through with it?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
Although the of course might’ve made it seem like there would be, there was zero enthusiasm in his voice. It seemed more like this was something he was simply resigned to do. Something he’d accepted as his burden to carry.
“I’ll do what needs to be done,” he said. “If that means flying to England for a wedding at the estate, then that’s cool.”
Something in my chest sank. This was it, my future. A long life married to a man who would do what needed to be done.
Romance wasn’t dead. It had simply never been invited to this relationship.
I nodded, though. “Alright. Well, if we’re on the same page that we’re proceeding as agreed, then you should also know that Will accepted an amendment to the contract to the effect that I can return to England whenever I want, for however long I might want to stay.
He insisted on the addition of that last part. ”
His eyebrows lifted, surprise flickering across his face. “He did?”
I nodded. “At the last minute before signing. As such, I’d prefer to spend most of my time there. If that’s acceptable to you.”
“Yeah,” he said immediately. “Sure.”
He said it so quickly and easily that it felt like the idea of me being on another continent most of the time was not a problem for him at all. Isn’t that just exactly what every girl dreams of when she wonders what her marriage will be like one day?
We fell quiet again, but this time, I broke the silence more readily. “There’s also the matter of an heir.”
Right. I’m abandoning all subtlety tonight. Wonderful, but we do need to get this done.
“I’m not sure if it’s been communicated to you,” I said, pushing forward even though Jesse was just staring at me, the color draining from his cheeks at an alarming rate.
“My father cannot pass his title and therefore, the estate, to female offspring. You’ll find the patriarchy is alive and well in this instance. ”
“Uh, okay?” he said slowly.
I felt heat creep up my neck. Having this conversation once had been bad enough. Twice was just cruel, and now I had to do it with a broken heart. “Both of our families are expecting that we produce an heir sooner rather than later, which means, we’ll have to, eventually—”
“Yeah,” he cut in quickly, then cleared his throat. “Got it. Yep. We will have to, uh, do what needs to be done to, uh, produce a boy. Cool.”
“Wonderful.” Great. Love that for us. “I just thought it was worth acknowledging. At least things were already awkward, right?”
“It’s not like they could get much more awkward,” he agreed. “Anything else I need to know about heirs or the patriarchy?”
“No, I’m sure you’ll learn all about the requirements for the passing of the title and whatnot when the time comes. For now, the only thing I wanted to discuss is that I’m going to return to England at the end of the week. I’ll stay there until the wedding.”
I’d made the decision after Will had left that night. I was done with Chicago for now. I’d give it a few more nights to tie up whatever loose ends needed to be tied, but then I was going home for the time being. To lick my wounds in private, between the safe walls of the castle.
Jesse nodded again. “That’s probably wise.”
I blinked a few times, not expecting him to agree so readily, without any pushback or even an attempt to change my mind. He was simply agreeing, and that made it very clear that he was just as uninterested in forcing this connection as I was.
We sat there for a moment longer, the reality of it settling between us as our food arrived. This wasn’t a love story. It was an arrangement, a practical, necessary, completely unromantic future for us both.
We ate in relative silence, declined dessert, and he paid without any fanfare. After walking me out of the restaurant, he pointed toward a black town car. “That’s your ride. You know Arnold, right? He’ll get you back to the hotel safely.”
“Of course. Thank you. That was very kind.” I finally managed to force a smile, then gave him a stiff wave goodbye. After watching him stride to the parking lot across the street, I decided to forgo the hired driver.
I popped my head into the car to tell Arnold I’d be walking, but didn’t wait for a response before I wrapped my cardigan tighter around my shoulders and took off down the sidewalk.
Over the last few days, I’d done my fair share of walking around the hotel I’d gotten a room in after leaving Nate and Kate’s condo.
I knew the neighborhood well enough by now to be able to get myself back.
As I strolled down a block that was slowly becoming familiar to me, I thought about that dinner we’d just had. It turned out Will had been right about his brother after all. There was nothing wrong with Jesse. He really wasn’t a bad guy.
My heels clicked softly against the concrete as I walked, like they were trying to keep time with all the thoughts I couldn’t outrun. Because the thing was, there was absolutely nothing wrong with him except the fact that he wasn’t Will.
Jesse was polite, honest, and straightforward in a way that probably worked very well for him in every other area of his life. Obviously, he was precisely as gorgeous as his brother, the only difference being that Jesse’s style—in hair style and clothing—was slightly more roguish and carefree.
The fact of it was that even though he was perfectly fine, he and I together were just… wrong. Painfully, obviously, and undeniably wrong.
I pulled my cardigan tighter around me as rain started to fall. It was light enough at first, almost tentative. Almost like the sky isn’t fully committed yet. If you ask me, it’s lucky it has that option.
Within seconds, however, it seemed to change its mind, suddenly going for it with all its might. I broke into a jog, rushing toward an awning just ahead and ducking under it before I could get completely drenched.
After tucking myself against the wall, I glanced out at the quiet street, watching the rain pour down in relentless, angry sheets. There were no other pedestrians out anymore, obviously all having had the sense to shelter inside as soon as the first drops had begun.
Around me, open crates of vegetables and a newspaper stand were my only company under the awning, an open door along the wall allowing the sounds of a television to spill out from inside.
I considered going in, possibly purchasing something in return for the use of their shelter, but instead of moving right away, I just stood there.
Until now, the loudest emotions I’d been feeling were stupidity and betrayal.
They were the ones that made the most sense, after all, but as I watched the rain splash down on a foreign street instead of the country roads around the castle, something else started to break through.
Something a lot more honest, but a lot more painful too.
The truth was that I didn’t want to marry Jesse. Not because there was anything wrong with him, but because there wasn’t anything right either.
That would’ve been bad enough, given my situation.
Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there. If it had, I could’ve gone back to my original plan and scoured the internet until I found a more appropriate match.
But if I was truly honest with myself, I didn’t want to marry anyone at all. No one except… Will.
I was still mad at him. Furious, even. He’d lied to me every day for weeks. I still didn’t even know if anything that had happened between us was real. He’d said it was, but I couldn’t trust that. And yet…
A flash of light from the window beside me snapped me from my thoughts. At first, I thought it had been lightning reflected in the glass, but I turned toward it instinctively and realized I’d been wrong.
The TV inside the bodega had changed to the news and an anchor was now speaking, her voice muted through the glass, but the headline scrolling across the bottom was impossible to miss. As was the picture of Jesse suddenly filling the screen.
The American news was talking about the Westwoods upcoming royal wedding.
I stared at it, unable to fathom for a moment that this was truly happening but that was my life they were talking about. My future had been reduced to a headline and a smiling photo of a man I barely knew.
Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. One thought tumbled through my head on repeat as the picture on the screen changed to something else, something far less relevant that I wished they’d been reporting on all along.
But they hadn’t and seeing their previous story had made me more certain than I’d ever been of anything in my life.
I can’t do this. No matter the consequences. I just absolutely cannot go through with it.