Chapter 34 – Greyson
“Since I was little, I was obsessed with having my own family one day. My mom taught me to cook; she taught me how to style her hair in case I ever had daughters. I’m talking ponytails, pigtails, buns, and braids. I can straighten hair, curl it, the whole nine. I know now that she just wanted to spend time with me, but I appreciate it because one day, I hope to be able to use what she taught me.”
I don’t miss the tears that have built up in her eyes; the smile on her face is blinding. I knew long ago that the woman I’d end up with would appreciate this set of acquired skills. Looks like I was right. “It was something I never really talked about with women I dated because they saw status or where I could take them before they saw me. Kara, I thought was different.”
The knife of betrayal starts its slow descent into my heart, and I can’t meet her eyes anymore. “What started off great turned into years of...” Looking out at the ocean, I notice the chaos of the waves mirror my heart at the moment. Wave after wave of shame, swallowing hard, I continue. “It was awful. I don’t know why I haven’t had the guts to give you the full story because if there’s anyone who would understand, it’d be you.”
“She started shopping for me, throwing out all the clothes she didn’t pick. I could only leave the house once I looked “good enough” to be seen with her. When I tried to end things with her, she pulled out the big guns. She faked a pregnancy to get me to stay. When I found out it was all a ruse, I was devastated. I was lost, so lost. I didn’t know who I was. I lost myself along the way. The anger that came out of that... ”
“I hated myself. I wanted the self-hatred to stop. I wanted the shame to stop. I wanted the me I was before her back, but I didn’t even know where to start.” My voice shakes as I recall the way I felt at the end. “I know it seems dumb, but I was so isolated from everyone by that point that I truly felt alone. I had burned bridges, pushed my own family away, and was left with what? An even more dysfunctional brain. But what made it infinitely worse was she didn’t talk about anything. At the first sign of conflict, she’d walk away, leaving me reeling. Always wondering if I had done enough. If I was enough or if there was some truth to her words. When I tried to tell her how I felt, she told me to grow up.”
She gives my arm a small squeeze, letting me know she’s still with me and that it’s okay to have these big feelings. “She was so used to the lifestyle she had with me that she would do just about anything to keep it. That’s when she started telling the local news we were getting married, and I wasn’t taking the trade deal in Tampa.”
I can’t keep my own frustrated tears in anymore; how I was so blind, I will never know. “I gave her everything, everything she asked for. Yet, she was sleeping with my teammate, my best friend, while we were still together. Why she didn’t just jump ship to be with him, I...” I blow out a breath, trying to shake the anger from me before it comes out in a violent eruption; I know she doesn’t do well with explosiveness. I’m working on it for her.
“The baby in Washington was his. He has everything I wanted.” Her sharp inhale shoots panic through me and I register what I just said. “Wait, don’t misunderstand me. I am beyond happy I didn’t have that with her. The betrayal of the two of them is just salt to the wound.” I mean, how? How does your best friend, your confidante, the person I went to, to talk about the abuse Kara was putting me through, end up with your abuser?
She has tears running down her face, too, but there isn’t an ounce of pity in her eyes. Just sympathy and compassion. She’s hurting for me, and heck, if that doesn’t soothe part of my soul. A strangled sound leaves my throat and she’s up and sitting across my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck, running one hand back and forth across my shoulder blades in seconds. She doesn’t tell me it'll be okay. She just lets me process and pull myself together to continue.
Clearing my throat, I spread my legs and positioned her between them with her back to my chest. Our hands link together and rest on her hips, and as both of us face the water, I continue. “When I tried to get you to talk about your dad and you locked up on me, I compared the two of you. That’s why I started to leave.”
Bile settles in my throat, and I work hard to keep it down; how I ever could have compared is beyond me. “I promise you I had no idea she was here, and I really don’t know why she showed up at the carnival. I do want to talk about her hitting you, though.” Her head whips to look at me over her shoulder, her eyes are narrowed, her lips pulled down at the corner, and boy, oh boy, am I glad that rage isn’t aimed at me.
She looks down at her hands, as she starts picking at the skin by her nails. I lift her chin with my hand so our eyes are once again locked on each other, my thumb brushing against the side of her jaw. “We can talk through that later,” I saw softly, “but right now, I need you to know how I feel about you.”
Her breath hitches, I take a deep breath of my own before continuing. “You are the light to my dark, the peace to my storm. You just sitting here fills me with the courage to face the most broken parts of me. You make me want to be better, not only for you but for me, too. Your brokenness calls to mine, and when we put our two broken halves together, we’re whole. And I’ll be damned if I ever let you feel like you’re not enough because, baby, you’re everything.”
The words hang between us, I watch her, waiting as my heart pounds violently in my chest. Slowly, her hand brushes against my chest before sliding to rest behind my neck. She pulls me closer, lips meeting mine in a soft tentative kiss. A kiss filled with the promise of everything we’ve both been afraid to believe in.
Her touch steadies me, her fingers weaving into my hair as I deepen the kiss. My hands find her waist, holding her against me as if she might disappear if I don’t. The world fades away, it’s only us, tangled in this moment. Our lips move from sweet and slow, to urgent and searching. Like we’re finally realizing just how long we’ve waited for this.
She pulls away first, pressing her forehead to mine. Our breathing is heavy as we breathe each other in. She looks up at me, and I have to fight the urge to pull her back down. Her bottom lip trembles and I start to panic. Did I overstep? Did I hurt her?
Oh my gosh, did she decide that kiss was goodbye, and she really doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? The very same breathing I was trying to steady is now rough and choppy. She senses my inner turmoil like only she can; and places her hand on my chest, right over my heart.
“Grey,” she whispers, “I know you’re kicking yourself for everything that happened with what sounds like a truly awful woman. But you’re right; I’ve spent most of my life being at the mercy of a manipulative person. If anyone understands, it is me.” She balls my shirt in her hand, eyes searing into mine.
“I know, in hindsight, it’s easy to pick apart all the signs you missed or overlooked, but it’s never that easy in the throes of it. None of this was your fault. I just wish we would have both better-communicated things. I can’t be what you need if you don’t tell me when I do something that sets off a chain reaction like that.”
Like always, she surprises the heck out of me. Her words act like waves, washing over me and pulling the building panic back out to sea. I lean back, roll us both to our sides and prop myself up on my good shoulder, I put my hand under my head so I could look at her. She’s beautiful, absolutely divine. Her auburn hair is spread out across the pillows like a real-life mermaid; her eyes reflect the setting sun in the most beautiful way. The brown in them really comes through in this light.
I don’t think. There’s not a moment of hesitation as I lean forward and kiss her again. Pouring every ounce of love, relief and promise into it. When we break apart, my hands cradle her face, a smile growing on my face as I see her eyes still closed, a peaceful smile on her own. “You don’t hate me?”
Her eyebrows crease in the middle, that lightning bolt flashing between them as she studies my face, “No, I don’t hate you. I’m used to being alone; I’m used to dealing with things by myself. It’s going to take some time before I can just spit it out the second I feel some type of way. I’m going to need some time to gather my thoughts.” She sighs and rolls to her back, placing her hands behind her head as she stares out at the ocean and the sun setting behind it.
“When you were ignoring me, I felt like maybe I really wasn’t enough. But I told myself you just needed time and space to process. So, I just brushed it off the best I could.” Her heavy sigh hurts, but I know she needs to get that she needs to say out, too.
“When I walked into your parent’s house and heard you write me off like that, I wish I could tell you it just rolled off my back. But that would make me a liar. It landed like a fatal blow. I don’t remember much of anything after that. I don’t even remember driving home. It’s like I completely blacked out. Everything he had said all those years ago was brought to fruition when those words left your mouth.”
Her voice breaks, and the tears streaming down her face have me wanting to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness that I don’t deserve. “Hannah, I’m so sorry.” I croak, “as soon as I woke up in the hospital, all I wanted was to wrap myself up in you, but I was so full of guilt and shame I thought you'd be better off without me around, at least until I got myself together. I missed you so much; when my mom mentioned you, all the feelings I had tried to suppress bubbled to the surface, and I snapped. I said what I thought would get her to stop bringing you up because it drove the knife deeper each time she did.”
She rolls into me and buries her face in my chest; my hand runs up and down her spine. “You don’t know how much I regret it.” I whisper into her hair. “I’d take a career-ending injury over ever hurting you like that again. I meant it when I said I’d always come for you; I’ll always fight for you. You are mine, Hannah. And I’m yours. I have been from the moment I ran into you. Every single day, I’ll fight to prove that.”
“The second you looked up at me from the f loor, fire burning in your eyes, clearly only concerned about saving your coffee, I started dreaming again.” I smile as I recall all the small details I let myself indulge in over the past few months. “I let myself imagine the life I’ve always wanted, one that starred you and me. I pictured all the ways I could bring out that challenging eyebrow you aimed in my direction. How I could get you to look at me the way you did in our interview.” She takes a breath that shakes her whole body; I know she’s crying. I pull her in tighter, moving my hand from her back to her hair.
“Then I got to know you and realized you’re everything I've ever prayed for. You're so kind, generous, and driven. I want to be the one to step in and take care of you. I want to be the one who you call when you need someone; I want to be the one to stand by you when you question yourself, the one who reminds you just how freaking special you are.” Stopping to take a breath, I run my fingertips across her scalp a few times.
“You are my end game, Hannah Lowery. And I won’t stop trying to prove that to you until your name is Hannah Wilder. And then I’ll spend the rest of my life reminding you of how much I love you.” Her gasp isn’t audible from where she’s buried her face in my shirt, but I feel it.
Slowly, she pulled her face away and looked up at me, her face drenched. But I already knew that from the Hannah-sized wet spot on my chest. “You mean it?” It’s a shaky whisper, but it’s filled with hope.
“Every word. You’re it for me. And I pray to God, you’ll give me a chance to prove it.” She’s silent as she searches for my face, no doubt trying to pick up on any hesitation. But she won’t find any; I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. A watery smile crosses her face, and she nods. I feel like I just won the lottery of life. “Then, without further ado, Hannah Lowery, will you be mine?”
Her lips pull into the purest smile I’ve seen from her, and then she says the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. “Only yours, Grey.” Only mine.