6. Rachel
RACHEL
H e had my head so turned around I almost forgot why we were there. I missed the whole thing between him and the staff, and then I was led into the room that looked like a hodgepodge of madness. The walls were cement gray, and there were dishes, vases, and all manner of breakable stuff laid out strategically around the room.
I was given a hard hat and one of those things mechanics wear over their clothes that was covered in paint for some odd reason. Then, there were the hammers that were lined up against the wall. About four or five different sizes.
I was encouraged to heft each one and choose the one I was most comfortable with. I still didn’t know what was going on until they told me that I was free to break anything in the room. Then I remembered that Jacob had called it the rage room, and it clicked.
Rage? I’m not sure I ever felt that. Numb, scared, alone, disillusioned, and totally betrayed. But I’m not sure I ever felt rage on this level, nothing that would warrant this in any case.
I walked around the room, looking at the dishes and reading the bottom while carrying the hammer. By the time I’d made my way around the room, that word kept playing through my head, and I started swinging for no reason at all.
I didn’t make a sound. Not the first few minutes, in any case. But then I started grunting, then yelling, then screaming, all the while swinging. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I do know that I went back over broken stuff a time or two when there was nothing else to destroy.
I didn’t stop exactly; it was more like my arms gave out on me and burned like hell. And then I realized that I’d been crying the whole time. I started to drop to the floor, but there were arms there to hold me before I reached bottom.
I smelled his cologne before I felt his chest under my cheek. He took us both down to the floor and sat with me on his lap, just bawling my heart out. He didn’t speak, didn’t try to shush me. He just held me and rocked me the way I do the kids when they’re upset.
I cried myself out, and by the time he helped me up, a few hours had gone by. “How long was I in there?” I asked as soon as he helped me into the car and walked around.
“A couple of hours. Don’t worry, I told Helen we’d be late getting back.”
I think I passed out on the ride home, but when I woke up, I felt somehow better. The kids had been up for a while, and I apologized to Helen, who brushed me off and gave me a nod after a good once-over.
“How’d she do, Jacob?”
“She’s a champ. She did two sessions back-to-back without realizing it.”
“Wait, Helen, you knew?”
“Yes, Jacob asked me if I thought it was a good idea.”
This was all so confusing but not surprising. Everyone had rallied around me and the kids in a way I never expected. One of the things Wendy had said in one of her texts was that I needed to back off because I was no longer Doug’s wife and it was no longer my place to engage with his family and friends.
It was one of my biggest fears, having everyone ripped away from not only my kids but me as well. It’s been great not having to face that nightmare. “Alright, you two, the kids had their early dinner, and I’m going home to see about my husband.”
She kissed both our cheeks and headed out the door after saying bye to the kids, who were busy eating the dinner she’d made them. “I don’t know how to thank you. I feel…”
“You don’t have to thank me, and you don’t have to say anything. I know you’re uncomfortable, so I’m going to head out. Your gym equipment should be here sometime tomorrow, so I’ll come by sometime in the afternoon to set it up and then get out of your hair.”
“Jacob, stop. I don’t want things to be uncomfortable between us. Don’t change anything about the way you’ve been acting so far.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. But if you get uncomfortable at any point, let me know. It’s enough that you know where I stand, and it’s okay if you never get there. I’ll always be here.”
He was halfway to the door when a thought struck me. “Jacob, Doug used to tell me how much you traveled before he and I met. Right after we got married, you stopped traveling as much, and now that I think about it, you’ve only dated one person seriously in that time, and it wasn’t for very long.”
“What are you asking?”
“Was that…”
“Because of you? Yes! I didn’t trust him with you, and had I known then what I know now, he would never have gotten the chance to approach you. I didn’t have relationships because it wasn’t fair to them. But I was more than happy to live the bachelor lifestyle for the rest of my life as long as you were happy.”
He just left after saying all that, and I stood there unmoving until Sarah started babbling away at me and I had to turn it off and pay attention to my kids.
After their baths and bedtime stories, it was my turn to shower and take care of myself. It was only as I was climbing into bed feeling more tired than a body ought to be that I remembered I had turned my phone off.
There were tons of messages waiting for me as soon as I turned it on, all from Doug. Since my kids were both here and fine, I didn’t see the need to read or answer any of them until the next day. I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow and woke up the next morning feeling like a new person.
Before I could think better of it, I sent a text off to Jacob, letting him know that I wanted a standing appointment at that place at the same time once a week. His quick reply gave me butterflies. It was almost like he’d been waiting by the phone, and I felt seventeen again.
BASTARD
I left the office before Wendy and drove back out to Rachel’s place. She wasn’t back yet, but then I realized that her car was in the garage this whole time, which meant she’d driven somewhere with Jacob. When I drove back around, mom’s car was gone, and Jacob’s SUV was there instead.
My gut burned like fire, and I was tempted to go ring the doorbell. What the hell was he doing in there? I drove away quickly when I saw the door opening and had reached the end of the street by the time he got into his car and started driving in my direction.
I was quick enough to get out of there before he saw me and went around again to follow him to his place. Once I got there, I realized I didn’t know what to say to him. How do I broach that conversation with him?
We used to be able to talk about anything, and now I was afraid to face him because I was afraid of the answers he might give. In the end I changed my mind and headed towards home.
I stopped at the hardware store and picked up a new showerhead because it’s something I’d heard Wendy complain about, and I needed an excuse for why I’d left early and was now getting home.
It was a good thing I did because she was waiting for me when I got there, and she was breathing fire. “Where the hell have you been? Did you go to that bitch’s house?”
“No, look, the showerhead you said you wanted.”
I held up the bag and placed it on the table before walking past her. Her face changed immediately, and she went from scowling to smiling almost immediately. I kept going until I was in the walk-in closet in our home, took off my suit, and headed for the en suite bathroom to take a shower.
She came into the bathroom and started talking to me outside the shower door. “Thank you so much. I didn’t even remember complaining about this.”
“Is that the one you wanted?”
“Yes, it’s perfect.” She sounded very pleased, so I guess I’d dodged a bullet.
I did spend my time in the shower when she was gone, running my head under cold water to clear it and questioning myself about what exactly was going on between my wife and my best friend.
HOMEWRECKING SKANK
I have got to stop stressing and worrying about every little thing. This man had already proven that he had chosen me, and yet I kept having these bouts of paranoia where I expected things to go south any minute. He’d been acting so off lately, ever since the party in fact, that I was beginning to suspect he was getting cold feet.
Obviously, he’d got out this afternoon on his lunch break to find the showerhead and hadn’t found one nearby the office and had gone further this evening after work to get me exactly what I wanted.
I don’t know why I’m so worried. He’s always come through. I’ve just been worrying for nothing. I just wish I could get pregnant soon so we could have an ‘ours’ baby, and his kids with her would no longer hold such prominence in our lives.
I don’t care if that’s harsh or selfish. Having his kids around means having her in our lives, and I’m sick of it. I’d already stopped taking my birth control months ago, but so far, nothing doing. I’ll just have to try harder then I guess.