Chapter Twenty-One
It didn’t take long for rumors of the big dustup to spread around the ranch. When Daughtry passed through in the morning with
swollen, busted-up knuckles, there was talk. And well, Bix didn’t have it in her to let rumors run rampant.
Not when she could easily clear them up.
“He was defending me,” she said.
“That’s so romantic,” said Rue, softening for a second and looking down at her engagement ring.
“That must put him in an awful temper,” said Denver. “You know, he thinks he’s better than the rest of us.”
“He doesn’t,” said Bix, feeling irritated that Denver made that assumption. “Have you ever met your own brother? He doesn’t
think he’s as good as anyone. He thinks he sucks. He’s wrong.”
Denver and Justice exchanged a look.
“It’s true,” she said. “I don’t think you understand just how much he... how much he works at being what he thinks is the
best that he can be. Not because he thinks he’s superior. Because he thinks he isn’t.”
She ended up sulking for a good part of the day, because she was so damned irritated at how his family had responded.
She knew that they loved him. It was nothing like her family. But still. She understood him. With her whole heart, she understood him. And she was going to have to... She was going to have to be brave and tell him. Tell him what she wanted, what she needed. She hadn’t been intending on doing it this early. Because there were other things to discuss. But she could sense him pulling away. Freaking out. Last night had been a whole thing. A whole big emotional deal. She could feel him pulling away. She could feel him trying to rebuild the defenses inside of him. She herself was left utterly defenseless against him, so she did not want him getting any barriers up. It wasn’t fair.
But then, none of this was about fair.
It was a strange thing. Loving somebody. Loving people. Loving a place. She did. His whole family. Rue. The Sullivan sisters.
But Daughtry most of all.
It was like a light had been turned on inside of her. It was the most expansive, altering thing she had ever experienced.
She wanted to be vulnerable for him. She didn’t want to get angry. She didn’t want to protect herself.
She was ready. Ready to tear strips off of herself. Ready to expose herself.
That had to be worth something. It had to be worth a lot of somethings.
When Daughtry got home from work that evening, her heart lifted.
She ran out of her house and to the truck, and saw that his expression was grim.
“What’s going on, Sheriff?”
“Nothing,” he said.
“Well,” she said. “That’s a lie. And I think you know that.”
“Don’t worry about it, Bix.”
“I’m worried. Hey, do you want to go over and make sure they cleared off?”
He looked at her. “Why would I take you if I did that?”
“Because, somebody should be there to stop you from committing a murder if they’re there.”
“I’m not murderous today.”
“That’s good. But still. Why don’t we go over together? Then maybe we can have some dinner and... whatever. Let’s just
go and make sure that it’s handled.”
He sighed heavily and got back in his truck. She got into the passenger seat. She didn’t think her father and brother were
still there. But she wanted him back there. She wanted to be by the cabin when she told him this. She was absolutely jingling
with nerves. It was the most intense, extreme experience of her life, that five-minute car ride back over to the cabin.
He parked the truck, and they got out. She stepped slowly into the woods. She looked up, and around.
She was struck by the fact that this place looked the same. But she wasn’t the same in it. She had changed. Everything inside
of her had changed.
She was different. And she loved Daughtry King. It was maybe the most significant change of all.
Everybody wanted to be loved. Of course they did. Who wouldn’t want that? She wanted Daughtry to love her so very much.
But she couldn’t ignore the gift of loving him.
When she had soothed his wounds last night—before it had turned sexual—it had just felt wonderful. To have somebody to care
for.
It was real. The substance of living.
Surviving was food. Water. Shelter where you wouldn’t freeze to death or get eaten by a predator. Living was love.
She knew that now without a doubt.
And there were any number of paths she could go down. Any number of lives that she could live. She had been given the gift
of hope. And hope let her see so many options.
But she knew that she really wanted the one thing. More than anything. More than everything.
They walked beneath the trees, until they came to the old outbuilding. She stood there, staring at it. She remembered hiding
under the floor when he had first come by. She knew an immense amount of sympathy for poor, scared Bix. She was poor scared
Bix now, but she was scared in a different way.
And brave in a different way too. She didn’t feel impervious like she had. No. She felt soft. Susceptible to pain. Susceptible
to being wounded. But she was almost proud of that. Very nearly.
“Nobody seems to be here,” he said. “Of course, they left all their junk.”
“We’ll clean it.”
She looked around the space. “I can’t believe it’s been just over two months since I was the one squatting here. I... It’s like a different life, but it’s mine. I know it is. Because I’ll never forget it. You saw them. My father, my brother. That’s what I come from. That’s what built me. It’s inescapable. But you... This place... It changed me. It broke me open. I was protecting myself, all this time. Hiding. Putting up wall after wall of defense to keep myself from being hurt. I had to do that. Because you know how hard it was. You know how cruel my childhood was. If I didn’t look out for me nobody would. But when that happens you become small and you become mean. I told you, what I wanted was to be healthy enough, wealthy enough, to be able to help other people. I think I just now realized it was more than that.” She let out a long breath. “Love always felt too expensive to me. I never loved anyone or anything. Never even a pet. I never could. I was afraid of it even. But that’s the part that keeps you hard. If you can’t love anything... not even a sunrise, not even where you are... then you’re just shrunken and cold.”
She paced in a circle in front of the cabin. “I caught a fish that day that you saw me. But I couldn’t chance cooking it,
because you might see the fire smoke. I cried over that fish. Very nearly. That was the kind of thing that got to me. It was
all I could allow myself to feel. But never for very long. Because I had to keep going. And here, with you, I’ve been able
to stop and rest. I’ve been able to find things that I care about. Things that I love.”
And right then she turned to him. Then she could see it. The moment his face went flat, cold. The moment the walls started
successfully being rebuilt.
“Don’t, Sheriff. Please.”
“Bix...”
“No. I have to tell you this. I have to. Because you need to know. As much as I need to love someone, Daughtry, you need somebody
to love you. And I do.”
“No,” he said. “You don’t.”
“I do. Don’t insult me. Don’t insult either of us by pretending you’re the kind of man that thinks he can tell a woman what
she feels, and I’m the kind of woman that needs to be told. Don’t do it.”
“I don’t want you to,” he said. “I made that very clear from the beginning.”
“You would’ve had to make it clear two months ago. I saw you, and I was lost. I just didn’t know it. Or maybe... maybe
I was found. Maybe that’s the truth of it. The absolute truth of it. I was found the moment that I first saw you. You reached
a hand down to me, and I took it, and it changed everything. And I just want to be able to change even one thing for you.
Whether that’s cleaning off your bloody knuckles or loving you, just the way that you are, I want to do it.”
“You don’t get it. That person that you saw yesterday, that’s me. Unguarded. Unchanged. Before you, I never had any problems
with that guy resurfacing. And I don’t want anything to do with somebody that makes me feel that way again. I know that I
was justified in trying to help you. But that isn’t the point. The point is, I can be that way about anything. I don’t trust
myself. And you sure as hell shouldn’t trust me. Look what I did to your brother. That was overkill.”
“It was,” she said. “And it was awesome. I liked it. Because nobody’s ever cared about me that much.”
“I don’t have to care about somebody that much to do that,” he said. “The truth is, they were on my land. He was about to
touch my woman, and that sent me. That’s not about finer caring. That’s possessiveness. That’s the kind of thing my dad felt.
If it was his, he was going to claim it, and he could justify anything in the name of that. If he had made a deal with somebody,
and they went back on it, then he thought that he got to do anything to them. That lives in me. That is the foundation that
built me. And the difference between you and me, Bix, is that I liked it. I liked the power. And I still do. I knew that I
could win against your dad and your brother, and I liked it. I like knowing that I’m the one that can end a fight. I have
to shut all that down. All of it. All the time. And I cannot be with somebody who... who makes me feel these things. I
just can’t do it.”
“It’s love, Sheriff. And it makes us all crazy. You just need to deal with it. You just need to accept it.”
“It’s not love. It’s toxic. And it’s bad. And I don’t want it. I don’t want you.”
She just stood there, staring, her heart shriveling. He didn’t want her. He didn’t love her. But what else was new? Nobody
did. Nobody had ever loved her; why would Daughtry be different?
He had gotten a look at her family, and he hadn’t wanted her. Why would he? Of course he didn’t. It was obvious that he wouldn’t.
Who would? Who would when they had seen all of that?
She felt so ashamed, and so small. It made her want to turn and run and...
And that was why he had said it.
It was so easy for her to spiral. For her to believe that he didn’t love her. Because of course he would say that.
Of course he would... That coward.
He was trying to make her feel awful so that she would leave so that he didn’t have to deal with her. So that he didn’t have
to deal with his feelings. Didn’t have to deal with his emotions. Well. Fuck that and fuck him.
“Are you trying to White Fang me?”
“What?” he asked.
“You know. Like the book White Fang . You’re trying to White Fang me. To tell me that you don’t want me and send me out into the wild.”
“No. I’m not trying to do that, I am telling you that I don’t want you.”
“I would at least admit it,” she spit. “You fucking dick. You might as well kick a rock at me.”
“Bix, I’m not trying to do anything to you. I am just telling you the way that it is.”
He was so stubborn. And she was just so angry. She had come here all ready to be vulnerable, and now he was just lying. He
wasn’t giving her anything in return; he was trying to make her feel bad.
Rage blinded her. She bent down and she picked up a rock, and she threw it at him. It hit him square in the back. He barely
flinched, because his muscles were that hard. “Why don’t you go on and get,” she said. “You’re the one that can barely stand it here. You’re the one that can barely stand to be around your own family and your own family legacy because you’ve decided that you’re uniquely tainted. Uniquely hurt. Uniquely wounded by everybody and everything. No wonder Denver thinks you’re such an ass. You are. I told him earlier today that you don’t think you’re better than everybody. But maybe you do. And it’s so much better to sit up there and be self-righteous than have to get down here in the dirt with the rest of us who feel things.”
“That’s not it,” he growled. “I don’t think I’m better than you. I don’t deserve you.”
“How comforting. A convenient excuse for everything. Must be nice, Daughtry. Walk around with a literal bulletproof vest on,
because you’re hiding. Protecting yourself, and you tell yourself that you’re protecting other people. You just don’t want
to care. Because the last time you cared that person led you astray. Because the last time you cared, that person didn’t actually
care about you, did he? You were nothing but muscle to him. And when he couldn’t use you the way that he wanted to, he abandoned
you. And that’s your real problem.”
She was furious. And she was... Well, she was going to leave without him.
She reached over and grabbed his keys, and then she started to step back toward the truck.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving,” she said. “It’s what you wanted.” She spread her arms wide, the keys jingling. “That’s me. White Fang. A lone wolf. So I’m just going to go off and do lone-wolf things. Thanks for the sex and all the money. Sucker. At least I got something out of this. What did you get?” Tears were flowing down her cheeks now. “You didn’t get anything. Because I didn’t do anything for you. I couldn’t give you any work. I couldn’t even give you enough love. None of it was enough. None of it was good enough. So I guess this was just one long con after all. Hooray for me.”
She got into the truck, and a sob shook her body. She started the engine, and punched the gas. And she left him there, standing
behind her. Getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. And she just wanted... She just wanted for this to stop.
It hurt so bad. And she had said all these things and she didn’t even think she meant them. But her chest was this big indistinct
radiating ball of pain, so how was she even supposed to know what was true and what wasn’t?
The only thing that felt real was all that hurt.
She clutched the steering wheel, trying to find a happy medium between anger and sadness. Instead, she just let it all come.
She didn’t stop it.
She didn’t try to protect herself. And somewhere, in the midst of all of it, she knew that she would be all right. Not in
that mean, small way she had survived before.
Even with all this, she was different. She wasn’t going to just double down and close off.
This was heartbreak.
It was what happened when you cared enough to get yourself broken.
It was horrible.
Just horrible.
And she knew she couldn’t go back to Daughtry’s house. So she did the only thing she could think to do.
She drove to Arizona’s house.
Because they were friends now. Sort of.
And she needed somebody. She didn’t need to be alone. She needed help.
She got out of the truck, and stumbled to the front door. She was just about to knock when Arizona opened it. “Bix? What’s
wrong?”
“Daughtry...”
And then Arizona had her arms around Bix, and Bix could tell that Arizona wasn’t much of a hugger. Come to that, neither was
Bix. But here they were, trying. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
She didn’t say she had told her so, even though she had.
“I just really do love him.”
“I know,” said Arizona. “And he really doesn’t deserve it.”
Bix hiccupped. “He really doesn’t.”
“All right, Bix. Let’s get you some tea. You can stay here. Until everything gets sorted out.”
“I have money,” she said. “I can get myself an apartment and I can...”
“Let’s just give it a minute.”
But while Bix wasn’t entirely hopeless, she did have one big black spot where hope had been once. And that was the place where
her love for Daughtry had once been.