Chapter Seventeen
El
After my third cup of coffee today, it was starting to feel like the caffeine wasn’t working.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. I’d drank so much coffee over the last two weeks that my body was probably adapted to it.
I sat at the kitchen table, typing away at my computer like a madwoman.
It was a Friday evening, and even though I didn’t have any classes today, I’d been up since the crack of dawn, getting schoolwork done.
I’d read and annotated fifty pages from my textbooks, drafted a contract, did numerous pages of legal analysis, and prepared for a Socratic Seminar that was happening on Monday.
In other words, I was losing my damn mind.
With my phone on Do Not Disturb, I hadn’t checked it in so long. The rose scented candle that I’d lit hours ago was down to its final moments, as was I.
With no sunlight or human interaction all day, I was about to detonate like a timed grenade. Of course, I needed a break, but relaxation didn’t exist in my universe.
It was go, go, go every second, and I couldn’t remember the last time I took a full day to myself to genuinely unwind and do nothing.
There had been a few times where I told myself I would, and I’d plan a day where I knew I could afford to halt all my responsibilities for twenty-four hours, but every time the day came around, I caught myself itching for something to do.
It made no sense to me— wanting to slow down only to find myself hating the feeling of slowing down.
The only times I’d stepped away from my schoolwork today was to use the bathroom or eat. I hadn’t even showered.
Not only were my classes really picking up, but so was dance.
The annual Winter Gala was in December, just two months away. I only had one performance this semester, and it was a solo.
I had thought about signing up for a group dance, but since it was my first semester at Cedar, and of law school specifically, I didn’t want to add even more to my plate.
My solo had been coming along smoothly though. I had studio space twice a week to practice, and honestly, it may have been one of my favorite dances I’d ever done.
Sitting back in my seat, I found a good place in my work to pause and finally allowed myself to check my phone.
Ten messages and three missed calls.
One call from Matt. One from Jade. And one from my father.
Having spent my whole day sucked into the world of corporate law, it was like a shock to my nervous system to go back to my own personal world. Quite frankly, I’d been forgetting over the past two weeks that my own personal world still existed.
Afflicted with the wonder of where to begin, I decided to start at my messages. Just seven alone were in my group chat with Kota and Bridget, which didn’t surprise me in the slightest.
Kota: Hello, Eleanor
Guess what
Helloooo??? Are you gonna guess???
Bridget: Maybe she’s busy
Kota: Well, I’m impatient
Bridget: We know that
Me: Sorry. Was doing homework. What is it?
As if she’d been staring at her phone this whole time, waiting for a response, Kota replied instantly.
Kota: We’re coming to visit for family weekend (:
After a long and academically draining day, this brought a smile to my face.
I missed my friends. And although I had Matt, Jade, and all the other hockey players I’d become good friends with, I was missing having my girlfriends close.
That was another thing I’d been struggling with— making friends. Quite frankly, it wasn’t my lack of social skills; it was my lack of time.
There were a few girls in my dance club that I’d grown to like a lot, but my time with them was limited. I really only got to see them briefly when I was coming to or from the studio.
Me: Really?! I’m so excited to see you guys! It’s been too long.
But my smile turned faint before ultimately fading to nothing when I saw my group chat with Hadley and Dina.
Hadley: Hey, El. Looks like we won’t be able to make it for fam weekend. Turns out it’s the weekend right before midterms ?
Dina: We’re really sorry, El ? We’ll have to try to plan another weekend!
Shoulders dropping through a sigh, I stared off for a moment. This was the longest I’d gone without seeing Hadley and Dina, ever.
Although I wouldn’t admit it to them, it was tearing at me. Back at UIUC, they’d been my safe place, my home away from home. I knew they were only a phone call away, but it wasn’t the same.
Me: It’s okay, guys. I understand. Ace your midterms!!
It pained me to hit send, but it wasn’t their fault they couldn’t be here, and I didn’t want them to feel like it was.
Eyes clenched and a few deep breaths later, I regained my composure.
Onto the last message. Hopefully it’ll be something to bring a little bit of light back into my night.
Jade: Hey, are you coming to Matt’s game?
My eyes widened in horror. Chest tightening, I reached for it, feeling the ache begin to take over.
Any ounce of lingering glee that Kota and Bridget had brought dissipated all the way down to nothing now.
I forgot about Matt’s game.
The guilt bled into my brain, hijacking it. Suddenly, nothing else from today mattered.
The clock read eight-fifteen, which meant the game was halfway through. Even if I changed in record time and teleported there, I still wouldn’t make it fast enough.
Leaping out of my seat like it was on fire, I charged over to my TV and threw the game on.
Me: Sorry, I’ve been doing homework all day and didn’t check my phone. I have the game on now at home.
I felt like the world’s worst best friend.
I hadn’t seen Matt in two weeks. It was the longest I’d gone without seeing him since I moved to Cedar, and I told him earlier this week that I’d come to his game to make up for my recent absence.
Apparently, that promise slipped right through my own fingers. I had even written it down in my planner too.
I hadn’t seen him since we went to Pitcher Perfect, and our night had ended with him stating he wanted to tell me something but then never getting the opportunity to. It hadn’t gotten brought up since, so I had assumed it wasn’t anything that important.
I ignored my phone, my homework, everything. All I allowed myself to do for the next hour was watch the game and cheer Matt on from my couch.
When the game ended with another Stallions win, I texted Matt with a proud smile.
Me: I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your game, but I watched the second half at home! Congrats on the win, Mattie!
I knew it would be a while before I got a response, so I figured now would be the best time to call my dad back.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he answered FaceTime.
“Hi!”
“Mom’s here too.” The camera panned to my mother, her smile undoubtedly gorgeous but unsettling, nonetheless. A twinge of anger sparked within me before it quickly dissipated.
It wasn’t a secret that I’d always been a Daddy’s Girl since I was little, but even if I never had been, I think the resentment for my mother still would’ve lingered.
She put our family through a lot.
And after all of it, my parents miraculously worked things out. Their marriage now was far better than it was when I was younger, and internally, I praised my father for having the courage to forgive her the way I didn’t.
There came a day where no one had spoken of the affair ever again, and since then, I’d been internalizing it.
Every heartbreaking conversation and argument I’d covertly listened to. Every day I’d fled to Matt’s house for refuge. Every thought and worry I’d had of what would happen to our family.
And in the end, all that became of it was an unspoken part of our family’s history. It was a block of time in my life that was a blur, yet somehow crystal clear all the same.
“Hi, Mama,” I said.
“Hi, honey! How are things going?”
I chatted with them about school and what Matt and I had been up to. When they asked how Jade was doing, I made sure to leave out the troubling parts.
My stomach swirled when the conversation made a sharp turn to family weekend. Don’t get me wrong— I loved having everyone altogether, but there was always something so awkward about sitting in a room where every single person knew about the affair, but no one had talked about it once. Ever.
Every time I’d thought I’d gotten used to that feeling, I’d get hit with a wave, reminding me that I truly wasn’t used to it at all.
I put on my happiest face though for my parents, expressing my excitement to see them next weekend before wishing them a good night and getting ready for bed.
The heartbreak of the past two hours had exhausted me, plucking away the last remnants of energy that I had. I didn’t want to be awake anymore, but still, my mind wouldn’t shut off, stuck on a loop between Dina and Hadley, my parents, and Matt.
My eyes had finally drifted to a close just as my phone pinged.
Matt: It’s okay, El. Thanks for watching! Sleep tight *heart emoji*
Somehow, that helped me sleep better.