5. Emory
EMORY
I can't believe Lex is almost two and a half years old. His chubby little fingers wrap around mine as Irina bounces him on one knee.
Steam from my coffee curls upward in the cold January air, but it's too nice to be inside.
With normal temps well below freezing, this morning is almost a blessing in disguise. It's forty degrees and sunny.
"Gosh, I'm so thankful you take care of him. You know I don’t trust just anyone." I sip my coffee as Lex coos and giggles at me. Irina grins and shrugs a shoulder.
"Well it's sort of my fault," she snickers. "I forced you to go flirt with that guy." Irina has been my strength to get through all of this as a single mom since the day I found out I was pregnant.
Batya would've killed me had he known my secret, so I kept it. But I didn't have to do it alone.
"I never thank you enough, you know." I set my coffee down and push some hair out of my face. "You and Remmy are amazing."
"Eh," she says, sighing. "I have baby fever so bad and well..." Her voice fades out and I swear I see a tear in her eye. But she smiles and says, "Lex lets me indulge in my maternal instincts."
Watching my best friend struggle with fertility issues when she's been married for three years now is so hard.
I feel so much guilt when I think about how I went up to that horrible man's little love cave to sleep with him and walked away pregnant.
Yet she's in a loving, committed relationship with an amazing man, and they can't seem to get pregnant.
It doesn’t seem right. If I had known how they'd struggle, maybe I'd have given up Lex.
But he's my stability and my source of encouragement and joy. I don't know what I'd do without him now.
He makes me a better person every day.
I want to be a better mom and work hard to have a better life.
All because this little boy's eyes light up when he sees me.
"Well, I think you're incredible. And one day this will happen for you.
" I squeeze her hand and glance at my watch.
Class will start soon, and if I'm not on time, the professor will lock the door and I won't be able to get in.
I can't afford to pay for these classes and then not show up.
"I have to go," I tell her, and she frowns.
"So soon?"
"Yeah, this is just a fifteen minute break. Tomorrow I'll have an hour break." I stand, tousling the fine downy hair on Lex's head before I stoop to kiss him. He fusses a little but I can't stay to comfort him. "I'll be at your place before four."
"Oh I was going to see if you'd want to do a snow day this weekend. We're supposed to get fresh powder." Irina stands, shifting Lex to her hip, and I shake my head grinning.
"He's not even two, Irina. He's too little." I chuckle at her zeal for life. She really would be an excellent mom.
"Okay, then dinner. We can do a family night, play games. You can bring your father."
The thought of that makes me tense.
Batya has been sullen and agitated lately.
He's scared of something, and hiding from everything.
I don't like it because I know who he works for.
When he gets like this, there's trouble, and this time I'm afraid it's bad.
"Yeah," I mutter, "Maybe. We can talk later."
I turn and walk away before she can suggest anything else that'll stress me out more.
Just being reminded of how Batya has changed is heavy.
I worry about him the way I worry about Lex sometimes and I shouldn’t have to.
He's the father.
He is supposed to be the one worried about me, and lately I feel like no one is taking care of him.
Because he's certainly not taking care of himself.
My head hangs as I stalk across campus to the buildings.
Smoke pours from chimneys overhead into the bright blue sky, reminding me it's still winter, but now instead of enjoying the brief respite from winter, my heart feels stormy and angry.
I round the corner toward the classroom door, and ram into someone so hard I stumble backward.
"Oh God," I mutter as I catch myself and lean on the brick exterior. When my eyes sweep up, they're staring into the most dazzling brown eyes. My throat constricts, and my eyes drop to the cleft in his chin, then my stomach flips. "Rashid," I breathe, as he hands me a single white rose.
I haven't seen him in three years.
We live in the same city, and it isn't like I tried to hide from him on purpose, but I never went near that club or that side of town again after that night.
I glance over my shoulder, feeling panic instantly hit my gut.
Did he see me with Irina?
Does he know about Lex?
"Emory," he croons, offering a soft smile.
What the hell is this man doing at my college? And why after all this time has he come looking for me?
I freak out, grabbing his wrist instead of the flower, and pull him around the corner of the building where hopefully no one can see us.
We stand behind a large barren bush, and my heart races so fast I think it might run away with me.
"Rashid, what are you doing here?" I'm breathless, terrified someone might recognize who he is and think I'm doing something illegal.
"Aren't you happy to see me?" He oozes charm, again offering me the flower. "It took me years to find you. You left without a note or even a hint. I had to learn your last name from facial recognition on social media. God, you're still every bit as beautiful as you used to be."
I think I may vomit.
I can't take that flower.
To do so would only encourage him to continue pursuing me.
He cannot pursue me.
Oh my God, I have a baby with his face and if he finds out...
"Rashid, you can't come here to my college. People know—" He doesn't know that I know. But I do know. And I don't want anyone else to know.
"Are you ashamed of me, milaya ?" He steps closer and I smell him. God it's heavenly, but it's deadly in the same breath. "Have dinner with me. Let's catch up. I know I'm so much older, but..."
"No," I say firmly, and I push the flower back gently. "I can't have dinner with you, Rashid. What happened was..." If I call it a mistake will this criminal—probably a murderer—get angry? And what will he do then? "It was a one-time thing. Okay? And I have classes. I have to go."
My hands are shaking as I try to squeeze past him, fearing he won't let me. He's twice my size and easily able to pin me to this wall, or hurt me.
I can't believe I just slept with him and didn't even stop to think about what might happen in the future.
How stupid could I be?
"Of course,” he says, stepping aside. "But I want to catch up."
"I can't... I have to go," I repeat, finally free from the shock. But my body trembles, every step of the way to my desk, long after the bell has rung and the professor has started class.
I can't take my coat off—I'm shivering and too cold to even unbutton it.
And I can't focus.
Not even when I pull my portfolio out and spread my paintings on my desk.
I watch through the window as Rashid slinks across the campus lawn toward the parking lot, and a sick feeling of dread knots in my belly.
If he saw me with Lex, he's going to kill me.
Or worse.
He'll let me live, but he'll take my son and make me live the rest of my life knowing I can never see him again.