Chapter 27
Chapter twenty-seven
Tom
The first thing I see when I open my eyes is a blinding flash of lime green. This is certainly not my bed.
A sharp, shooting pain kicks in, radiating from my shoulders to the back of my neck. I rub the tight muscles, groaning softly.
Fucking couch.
Yesterday’s memories slowly seep back in.
After that insanely good kiss, Yosh started talking about the chaos in the ER and what had happened in the OR where he assisted.
He’d explained that even though he’s not a trauma surgeon anymore, he still has privileges at Saint Luna Medical Center for situations like these—a code black.
I listened to the fragments of memories he’d struggled to get in the right order. The breaks between sentences became longer and longer until he fell asleep.
Holding him in my arms had felt good. Like maybe, for once, I could actually be someone’s safe place.
And that was new. Ever since losing Chris, I had convinced myself I was anything but safe.
But lying there on the couch with him, feeling the slow rise and fall of his chest against my body, had made me question that belief.
His warmth was comforting, enough to let sleep take me too. It was almost hypnotic.
My eyes scan the room. I find him bent over his desk, studying and sorting through files. Every now and then he pauses to type something into his laptop, completely unaware that I’m watching.
When I push myself up, I notice the blanket wrapped tightly around me. He bundled me up like a burrito.
My eyes sting a little. Cheryl used to tuck me in like this. Some nights she’d make sure I was strapped in so tight I wouldn’t sneak downstairs later. Not that it ever really worked, but I knew the drill.
I still hear my parents yell at each other, doors slamming. Jay yelled too, trying to get at least one of them out of the house—Dad to the pub, Mum disappearing for days.
A soft click from the kitchen tells me the kettle’s done.
Yosh gets up from the desk. He catches me watching as he walks to his little kitchen.
“Morning, McKenna,” he says warmly, flashing me a soft smile. “Tea?”
I open my mouth to reply, but he’s already pouring two cups, the curling steam reminding me of home.
“I actually don’t know anyone in my life who enjoys drinking tea,” he says, reaching for a spoon. “They’re all coffee people.”
I stretch out the last bit of sleep from my spine and run a hand through my messy hair.
“Drinking tea is basically a religion in my family. Four o’clock sharp, everyone drops what they’re doing for a cuppa.”
He chuckles, placing one of the earth toned ceramic mugs in front of me.
“That actually sounds kind of lovely.”
I wrap my hands around the mug, trying to recognize the aroma.
It’s green tea, obviously. But it smells softer, a little sweet. I’ll let the connoisseur in me out once it hits the perfect drinking temperature.
“Thanks,” I say, meeting his eyes. “And for the record, you do know someone who drinks tea in the morning. I can drink it all day.”
Yosh drops down beside me, takes a little sip from his cup, letting his face do the talking. No words needed, he looks content about it.
We sit in silence, sipping. It feels like we’ve hit that edge where too many words could tip it into awkwardness.
Not that I’m overly worried. I like him, no mather what this turns into.
Still… There’s something addictive about this slow circling. Testing, sniffing each other out like two dogs meeting on the sidewalk, seeing who gives first. I love the ferality of it.
Anyway, he looks a lot better than he did last night.
That pile of papers on his desk might serve as a welcome distraction.
“How do you feel?” I ask, voice still rough with sleep.
Yosh closes his eyes and takes my hand.
“Listen,” he says softly. “What do you hear?”
I shut mine too, not really sure where this is going, but I’m willing to follow.
I let the sounds filter in, and automatically start to layer them.
“Birds,” I murmur. “Waves, rolling out on the beach. A rooster?” I huff, then smile. I’m not sure if I’m imagining things, so I push myself to listen deeper. “The wind through the palms. The tap of the sprinklers in the courtyard. Voices outside these four walls.”
I open my eyes again, he’s smiling at me. Something in his gaze visits weak spots in my walls.
He cups his hands around my ear, and while I wait for what’s coming, my eyes go to the crystals on the shelves, spreading vivid colors across the room like tiny stars. Then I feel his breath brushing my ear.
“It’s the sound of a new day.”
He squeezes my hands, inviting me to stay in his world a little longer.
It guts me. I want to throw up right on the spot thinking about the shit I dragged him through yesterday.
He’s so damn pure. So honest. So completely himself.
And I don’t know what to do with someone like that without ruining it.
It makes me realize that maybe, you know, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to create some space between us.
He could surely use the time off to get some rest, and I… I need to get my mind straight, because I think I’m close to freaking out.
The past few weeks I’ve shown him how bad I wanted him. The hunt, that’s the part I know. The part I’m good at.
But like always, my mouth and my actions run faster than my brain can keep up, and now?
I have no fucking clue what the hell I’m supposed to do next.
I don’t know how to do…this.
Feelings. Connection. Relationships?
Shit.
I’ve never had one. Not with a woman, not with a man.
Who’s talking relationships?
Fuck, McKenna, how on earth did you get yourself into this?
I’d written that shit off a long time ago. Falling in love. I even hate how those words sound in my head.
Plus, there’s the other thing.
I don’t have any sexual experience that counts for something with men.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I remember that crazy drunk ex praising Yosh like he was a sex god.
Christ. Turns out I’m the fucking rookie.
Maybe Erin was right. Damn, I need to figure out what I want.
No. What I need is music. That’s it. Music.
Music always clears my head, even when nothing else makes sense.
I’ve got raw shit scribbled on papers and napkins. I need to work on that before I lose my mind completely.
“Sapphire, are you alright?”
He called me what?
I feel like yanking my head backward and spitting fire into the air like a Targaryen dragon on the loose.
“Yeah…” I swallow. “I’m fine. I just remembered Calvin called yesterday. Said he needs my help with something he’s recording in the studio.”
“Oh?”
He tilts his head, all curious and innocent. I can tell he’s not buying the bullshit I’m selling.
Calvin didn’t call. I don’t even know if the guy’s back from that festival in Miami.
I don’t care.
I just want the recording studio to myself. A few days to rot in the control room, eat pizza out of the box, microwave the leftovers until they turn to rubber. Life as I know it.
“So… I wanted to ask if I’m allowed to leave Arcadia for two days or so.”
He’s still staring at me like I’m speaking a foreign language.
“I do need to ask your permission for that, right?”
I throw in a double-edged tone, flash him a grin that’s way more vicious than it needs to be.
Damn. I’m doing it again.
He blushes and nods. I can tell there’s a whole circus going on behind those eyes.
“Uhm, yes, Tom. No problem.”
Oh, so now I’m Tom again? What a fucking mindfuck this is.
He shifts his leg nervously over the other and picks a spot on the wall.
“I want… I want to make sure we’re alright. If you feel like… like things got out of hand. I mean, I’d appreciate it if we could have a conversation about that.”
My mouth falls open and I can’t stop the sharp scoff that rips out of me.
Seriously?
“Shit, Yosh. Is that what’s on your mind?”
That plants even more doubt in my head. Didn’t he feel what I felt yesterday?
That kiss had been everything. Had it not meant a thing to him? Or maybe he feels all of it and he’s afraid I’m backing out? That’s not the case at all.
I grab his hands. His shoulders ease under my touch.
“This has nothing to do with you, Yosh.”
And just like that, I roll headfirst into the infamous it’s not you, it’s me death trap. The one that usually means it has everything to do with you.
He shakes his head, a little ironic half-smile tugging at his mouth before he pulls his hands out of mine.
Fuck.
I rake a hand through my hair.
“There’s so much I need to figure out. You. Me. My family. This whole crazy place…”
I wave my hand vaguely at the wall, at the madness that is Arcadia.
“I need to work on some music. Get my head straight. The fact that I need that doesn’t mean I feel any different about you. No situations. Like I promised the other day.”
I rest my hand on his knee. “I like you, Yosh. I want to keep it that way. No bad vibes.” A pause. “If I’m craving bad vibes, I’ll just call Jay.”
Finally, the smile I was waiting for.
“I’ll come back when I’m done recording. I swear.”
And with that, I offer him my pinky.
He looks at my finger, then lifts his too, curling it tight around mine.
He’s accepting my promise, but it’s more than that.
When he looks up at me, there’s a strong pull on my finger. As if he’s saying, If you don’t come back, I’ll find you and drag your sorry ass back here.
Maybe that’s just me being dramatic. Secretly, I kind of hope he throws me over his shoulder.