Chapter 36 #2
Everything that made me feel safe in Arcadia is gone. Or maybe it was never real in the first place.
I exhale slowly. There’s nothing left to do but accept my fate.
I open the cup, filling it is easily, not exactly my first time.
I screw the lid back on.
Then I look at the label, and my heart drops for the third time today.
McKenna, Thomas James.
His name. His registration number.
On my cup.
No.
No, no, no.
This can’t be happening.
Tears well up fast.
Tom created the chaos to switch our cups so my sample would be clean, and his…
I stare at the label. The letters blur. I don’t remember him taking the cup. I never felt it.
Why, Sapphire?
Why would you do this?
A hard knock rattles the door.
I scrub at my face and pull myself together. A second later, I step out.
I can’t stop looking at the cup. When I hand it over, I watch them drop it into a bin with the others. No checking. No second identification process.
I swallow hard.
And just like that, I’m escorted back outside.
Sunlight blinds my eyes, and by the time I can actually see again, the place is a war zone.
Guests are panicking, staff are getting arrested while protesting. People try to escape Arcadia, but guards stop them.
In the middle of it all, I spot a pair of eyes locked on me.
Terrence is coming my way, and by the looks of it, he’s not here for a friendly talk.
He shoves me hard in the shoulder, knocking me back.
I stumble. “What the hell, Terrence?”
“Aoki, you goddamn snake! Why did you do this, huh? Was it worth the chaos?”
He jabs his finger in front of my face.
“I told you I wouldn’t rat you out, and this is how you repay me? Dragging Arcadia down in the process? You and Erin, what a team. Enjoy your promotion while it lasts, because I’m taking the both of you—and McKenna—down with me.”
My eyes dart sideways, then I remember.
Yesterday, under the palm tree. Him and the girl he was with, both of them high as fuck.
He’s panicking because he knows he won’t pass the drug test. And he actually thinks I set this whole thing up? That’s some twisted reality. None of it fits. Whatever his reason was for drugging me, this isn’t part of it.
Maybe he wanted me to look unstable in front of the board.
If that was the plan, it’s backfiring. And that might be the only win I get today.
I fold my arms.
“Well, Terrence, that’s karma. I don’t know what you thought you were doing when you drugged me yesterday, but I’m glad it’s turning on you. And let’s be clear, I had nothing to do with this. You really think I’d show up if I knew this was coming?”
He opens his mouth. I don’t let him talk.
“And as for Tom,” I step closer, lowering my voice, “you have no proof.”
A security guard comes over, sizing us up. “The two of you work here?”
Terrence snaps back, “Who’s asking?”
“We’re searching the grounds,” the guard says. “Everyone’s expected to return to their work areas.”
That’s my cue.
I step away before this turns uglier and head for my studio. Let that bastard sweat.
I pass the meditation garden. Erin approaches with a police officer at her side.
Wasn’t she supposed to have today off?
Her eyes meet mine. She wants to talk. And I need to talk to her. She might know where Tom is.
I close the door behind the officers and the K-9.
Thank God my studio is clear. Terrence didn’t plant anything here to frame me.
Yes, it had crossed my mind. Paranoid? Maybe. But at this point, I can’t tell what’s real anymore.
It’s just me and the quiet now. The silence, as Tom would call it. And the silence is brutal.
With the doorknob still in my hand, I forget how to move. My breathing doesn’t even sound like mine anymore.
How did everything go sideways? Just a couple of days ago, things made sense. It was only Tom and me, and the world felt small and safe. I let myself think maybe I could have this. Something that feels good and lasts.
Now I’m here, and I don’t know what the hell this is. A bad dream? A punishment?
I look around the room. My desk, my books, the collection of crystals I used to believe in. Even my plants and herbs.
None of it matters.
It’s just empty stuff sitting in a room that doesn’t feel like mine.
Everything blurs, like I’m not really here. I float out of my body and watch myself from somewhere near the ceiling.
The drugs are wearing off, dragging a dark cloud inside my head. It’s maddening, because I recognize the dissociation. Naming it doesn’t make it stop.
My father was right.
I’m nothing, always have been. It doesn’t matter how far I get. Sooner or later, I end up back on the ground.
It’s not fair. For the last four years, I’ve worked so hard to get my life together.
It’s not fucking fair!
A flare of rage shoots through me. I sweep my laptop off the desk.
God, the sound of it crashing to the floor feels so good.
It isn’t enough.
I grab the amethyst from the shelf. The heavy crystal I always use during meditation. I raise it high and hurl it straight through the glass table. The shattering hits my ears first, followed by the shards flying at me.
I close my eyes. The shards hit. Glass at first, then metal. Shrapnel.
I’m not here anymore. I’m back in Afghanistan.
The landscape is empty and deserted, nothing but a terracotta-colored dirt road and olive brown mountains rising in the distance.
My gaze fixes on a lone rock formation at the side of the road. It looks unnatural in the landscape. My arm lifts, pointing it out.
And then… sharp, piercing pain. The smell of blowing dust. The copper taste of blood.
Black.
I sink to my knees on top of the broken glass. Everything flickers—images from now, images from then. Glass… metal… glass… pills… pain. So much pain.
More pills.
Tom. Where is Tom?
But then, Paul. I’m staring straight into his gray eyes.
He’s on top of me. Blood is gushing from his neck, spilling through my fingers no matter how hard I press. I yell for help that doesn’t come.
“I love you.”
“No,” I whisper, panicking. “Paul, look at me. Stay with me.”
He smiles, the corners of his mouth twitching. There are shards in his hair and dust all over his face.
He tugs me close. “Yosh, it’s okay. It’s all okay.”
“No. No, Paul. Don’t you dare.” I press harder against his wound. “You’re not leaving me here.”
His eyes soften as the dust settles around us.
“Last…months were the best of my life. I’m sorry, baby… sorry our plans aren’t…”
“Shut up!” Tears stream down my face, mixing with blood. “We’re going home, remember? You promised me, baby. You promised you’d come home with me.”
Paul’s gaze holds mine, even as the light in his eyes fades.
“Promise you’ll keep going.”
I shake my head violently, sobbing. “Paul, please. Please, baby. Don’t do this. Please—”
He kisses me with his last strength, his lips still warm and soft. I hold onto it, trying to burn every touch, every feeling into my soul.
“I’ll be with you,” he breathes against my lips. “Always. Forever.”
His body grows heavy, sinking against mine. His eyes close, one last breath brushing my cheek.
“No!” I hold him tighter, rocking back and forth.
“Please, Onyx. Please. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.”
He’s gone. I scream into the desert until my throat tears and the world ends with him.
Suddenly, everything changes. His weight. His scent. The angle of his shoulders. The shape of the face I’m holding.
The image in my mind rearranges itself.
It’s not Paul.
It’s Tom.
He’s on top of me now, blue eyes locked on mine as the guards rip him away.
That impossible grin before they’d cuffed him. The smirk, even through the pain. That last wink.
I blink hard. I’m not in the desert anymore. I’m here, in Arcadia. And the man who protected me, who distracted the guards, who gave himself up so I wouldn’t be caught, is Tom.
I press my palms into the floor, glass biting into my skin, and for a moment I can’t tell whose blood is on me. Paul’s? Tom’s? Mine?
“Tom.” I whisper his name into the void, the wound in my heart ripping open.
Where is he?
Please, not again.
Please, don’t take him away from me.
There’s a knock on the door.
“Yosh, can you please open? I know you’re here…”
Erin’s voice feels far away, pushing through fog.
I stay quiet. The words are stuck somewhere between my chest and my throat.
It’s only when I feel her hand on my shoulder that the fog lifts. The images in my head fade, the room coming back into focus.
I see the mess around me. What have I done?
“Yosh…” Erin’s voice sounds full of shock. “What happened?”
She scans the room, still holding my shoulder, she helps me up off the floor and guides me to my bedroom.
I sit on the edge of the bed, her beside me. Her eyes never leave me. I can feel her studying the cuts on my arms, my shoulder, the blood dripping from my neck.
Her face drains of color.
“What did you do…?”
I can’t answer. I can’t even look at her. I bury my head in my hands, shake it slowly.
“You were lucky,” Erin says. “One shard in your carotid artery and you would’ve bled out.”
I sob. I know that.
Shame creeps in. I don’t know what to say. God, I feel so terrible.
“Tell me what happened. Are you taking your meds as you should?”
I don’t want to answer. Except Erin’s not just my friend, she’s also my psychiatrist. I know I have to, so I try.
“Yesterday, at SeaBreeze, someone spiked my drink. I’m positive it was Terrence. I got sick. Tom had to drive me back to Arcadia. We drove my car into a ditch, spent the night on the beach.”
Erin stays quiet, letting me talk.
“Tom…he got into a fight with the guards. He did it to swap our cups so I wouldn’t test positive.”
I tell her everything. Everything except that Tom and I spent the weekend together. That part I keep to myself.
“And just now, I started seeing things again. From before. It’s wrong, Erin. Every nerve in my body is screaming for painkillers. I think I’m slipping.”
The words stumble out, broken and messy.
“Please help me.” Tears stream uncontrollably down my face. “I don’t know what to do.”
Erin throws her arms around me. I let myself fall into her embrace.
“It’s going to be okay, sweetie.” Her fingers stroke my hair. “You did good by telling me right away. We’ll handle this outside Arcadia, okay?”
That confuses me. “What do you mean?”
“You’re coming to stay with Laurent and me for a couple of days. It’s going to be hard, but we need to tackle this intensively. It’s the only way.”
I nod. I don’t want Tom to see me like this. That fear alone grips me harder than the pain itself.
What if this is all too much for him?
What if I’m too much?
I need to pull myself together or I won’t be able to be with him.
I wipe the last of my tears from my face.
Meanwhile, Erin pulls the first-aid kit from my cupboard.
“Where’s Tom?” I ask.
Erin dips a cotton ball in water, cleaning the wounds on my neck. I keep my eyes on her, refusing to look away until she answers. Eventually, she realizes I’m not letting this go.
“I don’t know.”
She sets the bloody cotton aside on a dish, hand resting on my arm.
“ I promise I’ll find out as soon as I can. Right now, you need to focus on you. We’ll handle this together. I won’t let you fall.”
She helps me pack my things. My body feels drained from everything that’s happened, but having Erin here makes a difference. I don’t know what I’d do without her.