Chapter 39 #2
“I love you.” It rises from somewhere deeper than thought.
He doesn’t say it back, but that’s okay. Maybe he needs time. There’s no rush. I told him how I feel, and Mister Flight Response is still here. That counts as a win, so I’m leaving it alone.
I ease out, and we collapse together, our chests rising and falling in the same broken rhythm. Nothing has ever felt like that.
Yosh stays facedown for a second, catching his breath, then rolls toward me. His eyes are glassy, sweat beading along his temple
“You okay?” he whispers. “Heart still intact?”
I punch his shoulder. “Don’t worry. I was on easy mode.”
“Easy mode?” he scoffs, dropping back onto the mattress.
He fumbles with the clasp of his necklace, the one with the dark stone he always wears.
“You want help?”
I reach for it, but Yosh catches my hand and places it back on his hip.
“I need to take it off myself.”
“Is it hurting you?”
“Yes,” he says softly. “It is.”
The chain slips free from his neck. He sets it on the nightstand, glancing at it before crawling back into my arms. He guides my face to his chest. His breath settles in my curls, warm as fog after tropical rain. Soft hands find my neck, kneading away some sore spots.
I remember that morning in the bloody police cell and how badly I’d wanted these hands on me. Wanted them to touch, to comfort, to take care of me. Now they do, and it feels like everything.
“Breathe in with me,” he murmurs, sternum rising under my cheek. “Hold it a moment… now let it fall out of your chest. Slow, easy. Together.”
We do it again, and again. One more time.
His fingers slide into my hair, a sigh turning into a groan as his fingers massage my scalp. Please let me live here.
Cigarette between my lips, lighter in hand, I step outside.
I drop into a porch chair and light up. Two long drags. In. Out.
My shoulders loosen as I slide lower in the seat.
Doesn’t this feel fucking perfect? I swear, it’s like an angel pissing a ray of bliss straight onto my tongue.
My gaze follows Yosh as he heads for the outdoor shower. One of the perks of living in the middle of nowhere. You can walk naked through your garden at night because the nearest neighbours are ten minutes away by car.
No chance of cops banging on your door because everyone and their dog just saw you shagging in front of the window. Which, for the record, only happened once. I was tripping balls.
Besides, Amsterdam. Not exactly the wildest thing to happen in the city centre.
Smoke trails from my lips as I admire the view in this tropical Garden of Eden.
The way Yosh runs his hands over that perfect body, hair spilling down his back like a waterfall, water dripping from his parted lips as he touches himself.
Another long inhale. The cigarette glows.
This should be illegal.
And knowing he’s mine? God, it’s everything. I’m going to marry that guy one day.
I join him in the outdoor shower. He wastes no time shoving toothbrush and toothpaste into my hand.
Message received, the cigarette was a mistake.
Ten minutes later, we’re back inside and ready for bed. I walk in with a glass of water just as Yosh ties off his braid. He looks a little distant, I hope he’s not pissed off with me.
We slide under the sheets and I take his hand. “Look, I only need a cigarette after sex or when someone’s really pissing me off.”
He gives me a wry smile and pulls himself closer, burying his face in my neck, hand resting on my ink as he settles.
“It’s not that.” His fingers move to the moles on my chest. He connects them with his fingertips, tracing constellations across my skin next to my wolf.
“Are you okay? Talk to me, love.”
I lift his chin to meet his eyes.
“I don’t know how to explain it. I feel everything too intensely, and when it all starts piling up, all I want is a way out. Meditation used to help. Running too. But after SeaBreeze… Sapphire, I can feel myself craving those pills again.”
Rage surges through me, hot and immediate. My nails press into my palms.
I swear to God, I’m going to kill Terrence.
“Don’t do that. I can feel your energy shifting.”
Shit. He’s right. Rage won’t help him. I drag it back in, force myself to calm down. For his sake.
“Love, you’re safe with me. I’m not letting you go through this alone. Tell me what you need. I’ll do it.”
I pull him in by his waist, kissing his damp hair for a long time.
Fuck. He already feels like home.
He looks up from my chest, “I want you close, Sapphire. Maybe you can distract me?”
“Alright, I can come up with enough bullshit to keep you entertained for hours. Tell me a random European city and I’ll give you a crazy story that happened there.”
It works. He laughs, tucking his face into my collarbone.
“How about you tell me about your daughter? Only if you want to.”
My smile’s gone. Trust Yosh to go straight for the one thing I never talk about, not even with myself.
What escapes me isn’t a laugh, it’s layered with misery and nerves.
“Did you really have to shoot a bullet straight through my heart?”
“Effy is a part of you. I’d like to know about her.”
My vision blurs. I try to brush the tear away before he sees it.
Too late.
I think holding my breath to bite it back gave me away.
He moves my hand aside, pressing soft kisses along the wet trail down my cheek, kissing every tear away with the warmth of his lips. I've never felt this exposed, never this cared for by anyone in my life.
Being the youngest in a fucked-up family meant I was surrounded by people who did a pretty bad job of taking care of me.
Parents absent, Nan sick, Jay and Cherry were children themselves, playing mum and dad with me. Yes, the version children usually play with their dolls, except I was breathing. None of them understood what I wanted, what I actually needed.
Maybe that’s why I turned into the walking cliché: lonely, even in a room full of people.
And then, a solid fifteen years later, I abandoned my own child, like the generational fuck-up I am.
I fold my arms, deciding the crystals on the shelves are safer to look at.
“Don’t hide your pain from me.”
I swallow. “No one ever asks me about her.”
“No one?”
I shake my head. “Why would they? Jay adopted her, she’s his daughter.
The apple of his eye. He taught her to ride a bike.
Drove her to her first day of school. Picked her up on her last. When she broke her arm, he took her to the hospital.
He chased away the ghosts under her bed, made her feel safe.
I watched from the sidelines, until I couldn’t anymore.
So I disappeared. Told myself it was better that way. ”
This is hard. And for someone who’s cracked more in the past month than in the last decade, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. Newsflash, I’m not. Not even close.
“Does she know you’re her real father?”
“Yeah, she does, and she remembers me being her dad.”
I smile. “We used to dance every night before bed to Groovejet. Because—obviously—Sophie is the queen.”
Yosh grins. I know exactly what he’s thinking, but he’s smart enough not to say it.
“Sophie is the queen,” he repeats.
I smirk, giving him a light shove, then fold my arms.
“When we lost Chris, all I wanted was to protect Effy. It became an obsession. I’d sit up all night beside her crib, only slept when I handed her to Jay. Then the fire happened. After that… I stopped trusting myself around her. Now she won’t talk to me. And fair enough, I’m a fucking coward”
Yosh’s smile fades.
“Sapphire, don’t punish yourself like this. You were so young. You went through hell and didn’t get the support you needed, of course you were scared. You did what you believed would protect her.”
“It’s been fucking hard. All these years have gone by, and I’m nowhere near the father she deserves.
I couldn’t bring myself to face her while I was still drinking and using.
I didn’t want her to see me like that. She’s so sweet, so pure.
I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. Effy’s perfect.”
I scroll through my phone gallery where I’ve secretly collected hundreds of photos over the years.
“Look, this is me with Chris and Effy the day they were born.”
Yosh gasps, taking my phone with trembling hands. He starts swiping, one photo after another.
Effy in a field of daffodils.
Effy blowing out eight candles.
Effy reading a poem at the school talent show.
Effy volunteering at the animal shelter.
Effy running art workshops for the elderly.
Effy graduating.
Effy in Ibiza with Joan, Finn, Alex, and Luca.
Effy at her first art exhibition.
“God, Tom, she’s beautiful. She has your eyes.”
“Mini Sapphire,” I joke. “Not so mini anymore…”
I’m debating whether I should spit out the next words. Can’t say I’m thrilled about it, but adding more of my drama to the mix will give him something to think about. He needed a distraction? Fine. I’ll give him one that’ll rattle his brain for at least a week.
“My baby is having a baby.”
Silence. The phone drops with a thud on the soft percale sheets.
Yosh stares at me, jaw dropped. He blinks, scrambling to grab the phone before it slides off the bed.
“Wait. Effy’s pregnant?”
I can’t tell if he’s about to smile or pass out.
I did when Joan told me. Woke up to the whole room spinning like The Starry Night. It can’t get worse than that.
“Tom, are you… I mean… how do you feel about that?” He presses the phone back into my hand.
“Great question. Still figuring it out. Next topic, please.”
He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it when he reads my face and realizes I absolutely don’t want to talk about it.
He slumps against my chest. His fingers glide through mine before curling them against my palm.
“I get it now. Effy’s about to become a parent, and you want to give her the support you never had when you became her dad. That’s why you agreed to Arcadia, isn’t it? To make it right?”
I throw an elbow over my eyes to shield myself from the sudden migraine he’s triggering. Why the hell is he placing needles right there where it hurts?
I let out a long exhale. He’s not wrong.
“I guess making things right is my new mantra. Not just with Effy, with everything in life. That means I’m going back to Palm Oasis tomorrow to take responsibility for what happened at Arcadia. The longer I stay hidden, the messier things get with Jay.”
Yosh nods, but I can see the worry in his eyes.
“Do you have a plan?”
“I’ll figure something out about the positive drug test. Don’t worry, love, I won’t mention it was you. I need to do this. It’s the only way to stop Jay from dragging my arse back to Europe.”
“You know that taking someone against their will is kidnapping, right?”
A cynical scoff rolls from my vocal cords.
“Jay made me sign an agreement giving him the right to act on my behalf if I violated any terms, like testing positive or getting arrested. My brother knows me too well.”
“Sapphire, a contract like that wouldn’t stand a chance in court.”
“It’s not about legal consequences. It’s about family, loyalty and what happens if you don’t follow the rules. I don’t expect you to understand, it’s complicated.”
Yosh catches my arm, looking straight into my eyes.
“Hey, we’re together now. If you’re walking into fire, I’m walking in with you. I’m always in your corner, and I’m not letting your family take you away from me.”
My mind goes blank. Nothing clever turns up to save me. This is what I’ve wanted all along. Someone who has my back, who’s with me when I’m surrounded by strong personalities trying to run me over and decide my course.
Nothing but a soundless “Thank you” leaves my lips.
We stay quiet for a while.
My gaze drifts to the crystals on the shelf. Moonlight hits the stones, casting purple and pink reflections across the room. It gives the bedroom a whimsical glow.
I close my eyes, imagining this is where you end up when you dive deep into the mermaid pool. The place you reach when you break through the surface on the other side. A hidden room in a house that’s a little broken, a little surreal, yet completely sealed off from the outside world.
I repeat the words in my head.
It’s not the house. It’s us. The way we’ve built something safe beyond the broken parts of ourselves.
I grab my phone to type that line into my lyrics notes.
The sound of soft snores takes me out of my thoughts. Yosh looks so peaceful, so at ease beside me. Maybe there’s something I can actually do well in life.
I settle my weight against his back like I always do. He likes that, needs to be held when the nightmares come.
And look at him, sleeping like a baby. Apparently my misery doubles as comfort.