Chapter 54
Chapter fifty-four
Tom
The chaos in my head won’t quit, thoughts smashing into each other like I’m slappings black and shades of gray paint across a white canvas.
Jay’s smug face. His twisted charade. The way he’d said what he said like it was all a fucking game to him. I hate that he always knows fucking everything.
And now, so do I.
Joshua Fennbrae, son of Alistair Fennbrae. It’s just a name. But knowing it’s Yosh’s name? That lands like a punch to the gut.
And the others…oh god, the others.
They acted like it was another piece of drama to gossip about. Their fucking ignorant faces replay in my mind, again and again.
Except Finn.
Finn, of all people. The one person I’d been fighting with yesterday was the only one who actually got it and stood up to Jay.
What eats at me just as much is that, once again, I’ve disappeared on Effy. She probably thinks I’m a predictable disappointment.
Damn it. I should’ve stood up for Yosh.
And I should’ve fought for her too.
Instead, I’d screwed up. Being the coward I swore I wasn’t anymore.
My grip tightens on the wheel, knuckles throbbing. The road ahead is dark, headlights stretching endlessly into the night. I press harder on the gas.
“Where are we going?” Yosh’s tone is careful. He's probably afraid of me.
I don’t answer. I just can’t. Every time I try to speak, my voice sticks in my throat. So I keep my focus on the road, turn up the volume, and let The Smiths fill the silence in the car.
“Tom…” His voice breaks this time. He’s been crying ever since we got in the car. “Please. Say something. Anything.”
“I’m not mad at you,” I mutter. I mean it. I’m not mad at him, I’m mad at myself. I’m the one who ignored my common sense and brought him to Heatherfell.
And for what?
All I wanted was something fucking normal for once. I wanted to introduce my boyfriend to the people who matter to me without everything turning into a circus.
But a normal life? That’s not in the cards for us. Drama’s been chasing me since the day I was born. It’s not something I can outrun. I should’ve known better.
I can sense him watching me, searching my face for some kind of reassurance. I still don’t know how to give that to him.
My eyes stay fixed on the road. I just want to keep fucking driving.
His hand settles on my shoulder. “Can we talk about it?”
I shrug it off. “I don’t want to.”
An hour passes. The road blurs into gray.
Yosh tries again. “Where are we going?”
“I just want to fucking drive.”
He flinches, turning toward the window.
Guilt twists in my chest, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. The clouds above us are getting darker, just like the storm inside me.
The border sign flashes past; we’re in Belgium. I glance to my right. Yosh is resting on his elbow, fingertips touching the windshield where powder snow falls against the other side of the glass.
Hurt and fragile aren’t the right words to capture what I see, but they’re the first that come to mind, and all I want is to get him somewhere safe and far away from Heatherfell.
I reach for him, my palm hovering above his back. I pull away, placing my hand back on the steering wheel. I just can’t.
We drive for hours, only stopping once at a gas station to fill up the tank. I take a piss in a disgusting bathroom with a couple of used needles and a leaking can of beer on the floor.
I told Yosh not to go in there, to take a leak behind a couple of trees, and that I’d grab us some food and drinks. He said he wasn’t hungry, but I don’t really care about that answer because we need to fucking eat.
We’ve been back on the road for a while and the dark clouds have started to look more and more threatening with each passing second.
Snow is falling in thick flakes now, gradually creating a white carpet on the highway.
I look ahead and all I see is a thick layer of grey, the backlights of the car in front of us disappearing like a ghost in the night. I can't see shit anymore.
“Tom, we should stop and wait this out.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Tom stop, it's too dangerous to keep going!”
I roll my eyes, waving him off with a flick of my hand. Yeah, not gonna happen.
He hits my hand away with a hard slap. “I want you to stop right now!”
That has me fucking raging. I exhale a slow breath through my nose, feeling myself boiling over despite my best efforts to keep it together.
I slam my fist against the dashboard. “OR WHAT?! YOU’RE GOING TO PULL THE DAMN STEERING WHEEL AGAIN, HUH!? FINE. LET’S DO EXACTLY THAT AND SEE IF WE SURVIVE OR ONE OF US DIES!”
His hand flies to his mouth as he turns away, shoulders tightening while one tear slips after another.
Shit.
“Sorry,” I mumble. Even apologizing, I sound like a dick.
He's right. This is way too dangerous. I can’t even tell where the highway is anymore. I turn the wheel and ease off the gas completely. It’s almost impossible to feel the difference between asphalt and the uneven grass hidden beneath the thick snow.
I sigh as the car rolls to a stop. I release the gas, then the steering wheel. The rage inside me begins to ebb away.
Yosh is staring at me with wide, bloodshot eyes that are full of panic. So much panic.
This is all my fault. He must be so exhausted. I fucking hate myself.
“I’m sorry for putting you through this. You don’t deserve any of my anger and chaos.”
He lets out a short, bitter laugh, and then the tears come again. He buries his face in his hands, trying to smother sobs that are too deep now, too raw to hide.
Never in my life has anything hit me in the gut this hard.
For fuck’s sake, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to make it worse, but sitting here like a useless bag of bones isn’t helping either.
A few seconds pass before he looks up and meets my eyes.
“I… I was going to say the same thing. I’m the mess you don't deserve and didn't ask for..”
No. I don’t want to hear that. He’s the only quiet I know, and I want it back.
The long nights we had, in his garden, on the beach towels, kissing and pointing at the stars.
And not just the moments that felt too perfect to be real.
Whatever his story is, I’ll take it. I’m not afraid of the past. I’m afraid of him not being with me.
I don’t even realize I’ve moved until my palm is on his cheek, my thumb brushing his tears away.
“No, my love. No. You’re my everything.”
His lashes flutter open as he lifts his chin from my hand. Eyes are pearling with pain and a shimmer of relief. The moment his hand finds my waist, I want it to stay there forever.
We drift closer until our noses brush, his breath warm against my parted lips. We hover there, just short of contact.
I hesitate, pulling back a fraction, then closing the distance again. My hand slides to his jaw, steadying him as his lips part. The first touch is soft, tinged with tears. I catch them as I deepen the kiss, tasting the salt on his skin.
Heat builds where our mouths meet, devouring faster, hungrier, until it’s one of those desperate, messy kisses where every second feels charged with the need to give and reassure. He’s my world, and I need him to know that.
He drags me against him and it's like our souls are trying to merge through the thinnest membrane between us.
“Baby…” he breathes into my mouth, “I wanted to tell you everything about me, I just—”
“Shhh. I don’t care, love. I’ve told you before, I don’t care. I know you, and that’s all that matters. You’re enough. I want you.”
I let my hand glide down his chest, my fingers following the hard sculpted lines of his stomach before unbuttoning his pants and slipping my hand inside.
“Oh god, Tom…” The way he gasps my name as I wrap my hand around his erection makes my own cock twitch, straining to get free.
“Remember that first time I did this? You didn’t know what was coming for you, huh?”
He gives me a careful nod, panting deeply and irregularly as I start to stroke him in a loose fist.
“Neither did I, but I wanted you so badly to be mine. To love you, to make you feel so good that morning in your bed.”
He kisses me again, a small smile brushing my lips. “I was already yours, baby. You had me the moment you walked through my door. God, you were so angry, so arrogant, so hurt. You were fucking beautiful.”
My hand stills.
“Yeah, that’s right, Sapphire.” His cheeks flush a soft pink. “You were leaving me weak the entire time I was near you.”
This is a small twist in the plot. I never considered…
I mean, I was so caught up in my own feelings that I thought I had to make him fall for me, like it was something I needed to work for.
But I was wrong. He’s been in love with me far longer than I realized.
Long before I even understood my own feelings.
Shit, I’m losing all my senses. This is turning me into a primal idiot. It makes me say stupid shit because my mouth runs faster than my mind.
My brain has taken a pilgrimage below my waist, and before I know it, I blurt the words out.
“Dry your tears, sweetheart, because I want you to fuck me until my brain feels like it's been tossed into a blender.”
It doesn’t even take him five seconds to climb into the back seat. Don’t ask me how—I’m guessing all that yoga is paying off. Then he grabs my jumper and hauls me into the back with him.
Wild and desperate, I crash down on top of his chest.
The cramped space is making it impossible to find any balance. My elbow smacks into the door, his knee catches me in the side. Neither of us is paying attention to that.
The air between us is hot and frenzied, our mouths wild and hands everywhere at once, tugging, pulling, grabbing, taking off clothes. Our mouths devour even wilder.
It’s messy, it’s frantic, it’s all I crave. I can feel every inch of him thick against all the right places.
I can’t stop myself, I don’t want to stop myself. Everything around us disappears. The snow outside, the chaos of our limbs, the pain of the last few days, it all vanishes inside this car that feels impossibly small.