Chapter 56
Chapter fifty-six
Tom
The digital display on the kettle ticks up to seventy-five degrees.
The perfect temperature, according to Jay. It gives you five minutes to let the tea diffuse, and five minutes to stare at the cup. By then, it will have reached fifty degrees. The ideal drinking temperature.
I prepare three cups. Earl Grey for Jay, bold and strong for our Earl.
Genmaicha for Yosh; he needs his green tea and loves the creamy roasted flavor of the popped rice.
Rooibos for me, caffeine-free, because I’m already hyper enough as it is.
You know that saying about how owners start to be like their dogs? Same goes for tea.
With the tray in my hands, I turn around.
Jay has parked himself in my antique Queen Anne chair.
His legs are crossed, hands resting on the armrests, looking like a literal Earl Grey surveying his domain.
Yosh’s posture is visibly tense. Neither of them is saying a word.
They hadn’t even bothered to greet each other.
This is going to be fun.
I carry the tray over and set it on the coffee table. The tension eases a little with my arrival.
Yosh gets his cup first, because fuck the rules of this game.
Jay takes his own cup, then pours mine as well.
Never knew tea service would be a perfect snapshot of our dynamics.
Five minutes to stare at the cup. Nope. Not happening.
“So,” I say, picking up my tea. “What brings you here, Jay?”
Jay raises his own cup, taking a slow inhale of the steam. Then he looks at me.
“We need to talk.”
“About?”
He closes his eyes and when they open, they’re pointed at Yosh, then back to me.
“Family. Loyalty. The way things have been handled.”
“If you’re not here to apologize, brother, there’s the door.”
Jay smirks.
“I want to apologize for what happened the other day. It wasn’t my intention to cause such a stir. But I’m also here to emphasize the importance of honesty. It’s my job to protect my family and I don’t like being played.”
We both look at Yosh. Shit. I didn’t mean to.
Jay, on the other hand, fixes him with an accusing stare. Yosh tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, his eyes sliding away.
“You weren’t being played, Jay. Yosh and I just didn’t think it was relevant.”
I say it like I’ve always known about Yosh’s past, like it’s no big deal. Jay doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing I only found out the other day when he called it out.
Jay narrows his eyes. “I also don’t like…”
He clips his fingers between his brows, then sighs.
“Look Tom, I didn’t expect you to be treated by someone who’s an addict himself. Someone who also doesn’t understand the importance of professional boundaries. Those are just a couple of red flags in what’s clearly a whole collection. You can’t tell me I’m wrong about that.”
Yosh crosses his arms tighter around his tensed body. I wish I could read him right now, figure out if he’s angry, hurt, or insecure. Probably all three.
Yosh starts to speak. “Okay. Call it unethical. You’re right.
I also know those ethics you speak of aren’t exactly your concern.
You prefer your own rules, your own values.
So let’s be real with each other. I could have been anyone with any story, and you still wouldn’t want me for Tom. You don’t want anyone for Tom.”
The scoff is small, but it lands so incredibly wrong with Yosh who always tries to use calmness and diplomacy to solve things.
He shoots up from the sofa, the cups rattle on the table.
“It was you!” Yosh shouts, pointing straight at Jay. “He had to drown himself in drugs and alcohol because of you! You’re the reason he nearly died that day!”
Jay jumps up with the same energy. “How dare you! You have no fucking clue about me or my family!”
Meanwhile, like in a bad movie, my antique clock starts its hourly orchestra.
I dive between them, pressing a palm against each chest. “Stop! Both of you, stop!”
Both of them are quiet except for their ragged breaths.
I wait until five o’clock passes before I speak.
“Let’s not go there, okay? Me OD’ing that night was on me. My responsibility.”
I meet Yosh’s eyes, then turn to my brother. “And Jay, stop this. I’m feeling better now. I’m getting there.”
I reach for Jay’s hand, and as my fingers close around his wrist, something inside me crumbles. It brings me to the edge of tears.
“I’m in love with Yosh. Can’t you just accept us, please?”
I’m almost begging now. They don’t have to like each other; they just need to coexist for fuck’s sake.
Our eyes meet, and I hope, no, I pray Jay can feel everything I’m trying to send his way.
The years we spent surviving our childhood, the fame, the kids, Emily, the mess of us. Me losing myself and being so fucking unhappy for most of my life. I want it gone. It needs to be over and Jay needs to let me go.
And Jay sees it, I can tell. But he gives me nothing.
He throws his hands up, stepping back.
“Fine,” he says, offering a hand to Yosh.
Yosh looks at it, then at me. He hesitates for a second, and in that second there’s a sigh and he drops his shoulders.
He reaches out and shakes Jay’s hand. “Fine.”
I wait for both of them to sit back in their seats before I allow myself to do the same.
I pick up my cup and take a sip of tea.
Shit. It’s dropped below the perfect temperature. Jay downs it in one go.
“We need to finish packing. Our flight leaves in a couple of hours,” Yosh says. He stands and walks behind the sofa. His hand lands on my shoulder. I don’t need words to know what that means. Time to throw Jay out.
“Yes, of course,” Jay says. “But I need to talk to Tom for a minute. It’s about Effy.”
Yosh sighs and walks toward the bedroom, the thud of the antique door closing behind him leaving the two of us alone.
I turn to Jay. “What about Effy? I’m meeting her at the gallery to say goodbye.”
“That won’t be happening. She’s on bed rest at home in Heatherfell.”
“What!? What happened? Is she okay?”
Jay shrugs, staring into the empty cup in his hand.
“Christmas was stressful for her and the baby. She’s been in the hospital for a couple of days because her blood pressure shot up. They’re both fine, but the doctors told her to slow down.”
“Fuck,” I drag my hands down my face. “This is all my fault.”
“Let’s not talk about blame,” Jay says. “I’m at fault too, for letting things escalate like that. What matters now is being there for her and giving her the support she needs.”
I throw my hands in the air. “What do you want me to do? Just tell me the plan, I’m in.”
“I’m happy you say that because I want you to stay and be there for her until the baby’s born. Our daughter needs you.”
Our daughter.
He says it like she’s still mine too, and he hasn’t said it that way since the adoption. After that, she was his little girl.
But hearing it now… It’s like I’m waking up from a long, dull sleep, and suddenly the feral burn inside my chest is back and its fire is stronger than ever. She’s my daughter. Mine.
I fold my arms and tilt my head. “She needs me? She said that to you?”
“More or less. She got emotional when we talked about you leaving and said it felt like you were doing it again.”
A harsh truth that takes my breath away.
“Please, Tom,” he says, and there’s something in his voice I don’t think I’ve ever heard before; a plea.
“You can’t do this to her again. Not when she needs you the most.”
I shake my head, my heart doing somersaults in my chest. God, this is so fucking hard. But Jay’s right.
I wasn’t there for her first day of school. Birthdays. Graduations. Her first art show. Or when she’d opened her gallery and all those strangers congratulating her while I was nowhere to be found. I missed all the milestones.
But then there’s Yosh. I’m about to move to the island and start this new chapter of my life with him. This changes everything.
Fuck. I’ve failed my daughter before. I can’t do it again, even if it means we postpone our plans for a while. My blood comes first.
Yosh will understand that. I know he will.
Will he?